Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 32 – I Was a Teenage Vampire

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-01-Riverdale-ReporterWriter: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Thursday, February 10, 2000
Length: 22:16

I’m sorry that this is so late. My job responsibilities – and thus my schedule – recently changed, and my browser has been acting up recently.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-02-titleAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-03-mansionThe episode opens with a bat and red mist arriving at an old, abandoned mansion.

By the way, as the mist is making its way through the mansion, the picture goes black for 8 frames (though the audio remains). Not sure if that’s a problem in the original episode or a DVD error of some kind.

The red mist goes down to the basement.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-04-ScarletYeah, Scarlet’s still alive. I told you that her “defeat” at the end of the last episode was different and suspicious. She announces to the other vampire that arrived at the mansion that she’s back. Okaaay. How long’s it been since she was here?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-05-Scarlet-vampireThe other vampire chastises her for being late and asks if she’d heard the Master’s call. Angry, she snatches a shovel from him and says she did.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-06-Scarlet-digsShe orders him to get digging, because it’s time to free the Master.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-07-RHSAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-08-Reggie-girlsThe next day, at school, Reggie reads the headline of Archie’s column: “Veronica Lodge Saves the World from Vampires”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-09-Veronica-photoHehe, Archie even got Veronica to pose for a photo, holding the cross. Reggie is in disbelief.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-10-Reggie-girls-2Veronica makes a joke about Reggie not being the center of attention. Betty washes down her pot brownie with a drink. The two girls laugh.

Reggie reads from the article and asks where he was when all of this happened.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-11-Archie-Reggie“Like, you snooze, you lose, man. Smoke a joint.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-12-girls-laughThe girls laugh again. Seriously, I think everyone’s stoned in this scene, but it affects them differently. Anyone wanna look in Betty’s paper bag?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-13-girls-ArchieThe girls simultaneously greet Archie. He greets them. He asks Veronica why she’s not wearing her Sun Stone.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-14-girls-Archie-2“Like, total fashion don’t, totally.” Really? But a babushka scarf is a fashion do?

Also, she’s trying to put the vampire stuff behind her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-15-girls-Reggie-strawsAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-16-girls-Reggie-straws-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-17-girls-Reggie-straws-3LOL!

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-18-gangReggie asks where Veronica’s “magic necklace” is. She says “Safely tucked away.” Archie and Betty make guesses as to where. Veronica says it’s in a shoe box. Reggie asks what’s so safe about that. Betty explains through metaphor, but it basically boils down to “Veronica has a shitload of shoe boxes in her giant-ass closet.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-19-Veronica-posesVeronica tells “Archiekins” that she picked up “the cutest pair of pumps” to wear on their date tonight. Betty shakes her head…for…some reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-20-Veronica-poses-2Veronica says Archie’s taking her to La-Cha-Ching for dinner and dancing, which is news to him, but she says he owes her for saving his ass and giving him the story for his latest column. Reggie advises him: “Speak now or forever hold your wallet.” For saving the world from “the unholy hordes of darkness”, Archie agrees to the date.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-21-Veronica-ArchieShe tells him to wear his best suit, and she wants his word that he won’t be late. He promises to be there at 8:00 PM sharp. Veronica means it, because Smithers is on vacation, and her parents are going to some charity banquet. Girl, you’ve got a huge mansion to yourself. Invite Archie over for a fuck session! “I did save the world. Don’t you think my pussy deserves to be licked thoroughly, and my asshole deserves to be ripped and reamed by your massive cock?”

Anyway, Veronica claims to be scared of being alone at night. Archie again promises and then gives Veronica his “super-sacred word”. He says she’ll be “as safe as a necklace in a shoe box”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-22-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-23-coffinIt’s now twilight, and Scarlet and the other vampire have just now gotten the Master’s coffin out of the ground, which means it took the two of them nearly an entire day to dig that hole. I’m a lazy-ass motherfucker, but even I could have dug that hole in a few hours at most.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-24-MasterThe Master, Medlock, wakes up.

Scarlet and Medlock greet each other.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-25-Master-cracks-knucklesThen Medlock cracks his knuckles and his neck, which makes it really hard to take him seriously as the “Dark Master”.

Medlock seems to be aware that he’s been asleep for centuries. How the fuck does he know?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-26-Medlock-ScarletAnyway, he gives the typical vampire villain speech.

Scarlet and the other vampire also talk about how the sun will set tomorrow, on Halloween, and never rise again. But then Medlock learns Scarlet hasn’t “had the chance to convert” the Ender. The other vampire, who seems to be called Nilnuze (that’s a stupid name), asks Medlock to give him a shot, which angers Scarlet, and Medlock grants it.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-27-Andrews-houseAgain, why is one garage door left open at the Andrews house at night? It’s not safe!

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-28-Archie-dressesArchie is getting dressed for his date with Veronica.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-29-Archie-flowersHe then steals some of his mother’s flowers to give to Veronica. Ass.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-30-Archie-Mary-1Archie rushes to the front door and encounters his mom.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-31-Archie-Mary-2Mary wants to take a picture of her “handsome” son. She doesn’t notice her flowers in his hand.

Archie declines, citing his “super-sacred word”. Mary understands, excusing him from the “glamor shots”. But then Archie checks himself out in the mirror and agrees to the pictures, thinking Veronica won’t mind if he’s “just a few minutes late”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-32-Veronica-waitingAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-33-Veronica-waiting-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-34-Veronica-waiting-3The clock chimes in Lodge Manor, and Veronica is getting bored. She’s also upset at Archie for breaking his word.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-35-Mary-Archie-poseAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-36-Andrews-familyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-37-FredMore time-wasting at the Andrews house. Even Fred’s gotten in on the action.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-38-Archie-flowerAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-39-Mary-kisses-ArchieMary finally puts an end to the photos and sends Archie on his way.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-40-Jughead-moonJughead arrives at that moment. Looks like someone finally closed that damn garage door.

Archie rushes out the door and…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-41-Archie-Jughead-cheese…gets sauced.

Archie’s worried about his suit. Jughead’s worried about his dinner. Why the fuck was Jughead just randomly coming over to Archie’s house, anyway?

Archie sniffs the mess and, disgusted, asks what it is.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-42-Jughead-breathes-on-ArchieJughead says it’s Pop Tate’s newest “culinary delight”, the Roasted, Spicy Garlic Burger.

Archie asks what the fuck he’s doing here. Jughead apologizes and says he thought he’d see if Archie wanted to catch a movie. Who the fuck does that? Don’t people make plans to go to the movies? Even if it’s a last-minute thing, shouldn’t Jughead call Archie instead of walking over to his house?

Anyway, when Archie reveals his dinner plans, Jughead seems to blame him for the way that he looks. Ass. Archie doesn’t know what to do, since this is he only suit.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-43-Veronica-phoneAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-44-phone-callArchie calls Veronica from Jughead’s house. Rather than explain the situation, he says it’s a “long story” and promises to make it up to her. She says he’s always making promises that he doesn’t keep. She mentions he gave her his super-sacred word and seems to indicate she’s scared to be “all alone” in “this creepy house” at night. Archie tells her to relax, saying nothing’s going to happen to her. She tells him to get here soon.

Archie and Jughead briefly discuss Archie’s appearance.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-45-Lodge-ManorAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-46-Veronica-waitsVeronica’s waiting at the bottom of the staircase again. There’s a knock at the door.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-47-Veronica-happyShe says come in. Seriously? You’re the one that’s scared, but you’re leaving the front doors unlocked and just inviting anyone in?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-48-front-doorsThe show ruins the suspense by immediately showing no one outside.

Veronica finally opens the doors, sees no one, and closes them. She hears a loud bang and then complains about Archie breaking his promise and her being creeped out and hearing things. Meanwhile, Nilnuze mists into the mansion through a (conveniently) open window.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-49-Veronica-NilnuzeAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-50-Veronica-mirrorAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-51-Veronica-Nilnuze-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-52-Veronica-scaredAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-53-Nilnuze-fangsShe doesn’t seem him until it’s too late.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-54-Archie-apologizesArchie arrives and rings the doorbell. Veronica answers the door. Archie apologizes and offers her the stolen flowers.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-55-Archie-scaredIt actually takes him a moment to react to this:

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-56-VamperonicaHow the fuck does he not immediately notice his girlfriend’s a vampire? And why does she still call him “Archiekins”?

Anyway, she criticizes him for being late and for the suit. He again says it’s a “long story”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-57-Vamperonica-ArchieShe moves in for a bite of his “delicious” body.

He tries to get away but runs into her “new friend”, Nilnuze.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-58-Vamperonica-Archie-2She wants to feast on Archie, but Nilnuze shakes his head. She’s surprised. In typical short-sighted fashion, he says there will be plenty of time for that later. Even as a vampire, Veronica is her usual impatient self. Then she wants to bite Betty and Reggie – but not Jughead. Archie suggests she listen to her new friend.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-59-Vamperonica-Nilnuze-flyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-60-Nilnuze-Vamperonica-flyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-61-bats-moonNilnuze and Veronica fly away. Archie begs her not to go.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-62-Archie-drivesArchie laments what’s happening, believing it’s his fault (due to being late), although Veronica might have been turned after their date. Anyway, he gets in his car and tears off.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-63-bat-moonA single bat flies overhead.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-64-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-65-Scarlet-MedlockBack at the mansion, Scarlet and Medlock make small talk, because…I guess there isn’t anything to do until the Ender is turned. We learn Medlock is around 900 years old. That means he would have been born around the turn of the 12th century. Also, apparently, vampires age, but they won’t once the Eternal Night falls.

Scarlet pledges to spend eternity by Medlock’s side – even if he grows old and toothless. Medlock says there will never be another one like her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-66-VamperonicaAnd then he promptly ditches her for Veronica. Ha.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-67-Vamperonica-mistAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-68-batVeronica kept Nilnuze (in mist form) in her mouth. She breathes him into her clenched fist and then reveals him (in bat form) in the palm of her hand. Just…why? Was Veronica just so eager to make a flashy entrance but didn’t wanna be stuck in Nilnuze’s mouth?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-69-vampiresMedlock praises Nilnuze and welcomes his “child” to the fold. Um, he didn’t turn her. Veronica flatters him.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-70-Scarlet-slaps-VamperonicaThen Scarlet bitch-slaps Veronica. Veronica is surprised that Scarlet still exists.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-71-Vamperonica-ScarletIt looks like the two of them are about to fight, but Medlock tells Scarlet to lay off their “beautiful new friend”. Medlock and Veronica walk off, complimenting each other and leaving Scarlet pissed off. She won’t put up with this shit. Even Nilnuze laughs at her. Medlock asks Veronica for the Sun Stone.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-72-batNilnuze turns into a bat and flies after them for whatever reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-73-Pop'sAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-74-Jughead-Betty-ReggieJughead, Betty, and Reggie leave Pop’s, pretending to have an actual conversation. Seriously, it’s weird; they’re not actually talking. Come to think of it, what do these diverse people talk about in normal conversation?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-75-gangArchie drives right up to them and gets out of the car. Reggie ribs him about the suit.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-76-Jughead-BettyWe learn Jughead has an Uncle Ahern. What’s up with Betty? Do these teens constantly scarf down food at Pop’s, because they’re constantly high?

Anyway, Betty asks Archie about his date with Veronica.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-77-gang-2Archie catches his breath and explains what happened. Reggie doubts the story.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-78-gang-3AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-79-Scarlet-moonScarlet comes by to confirm it.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-80-Reggie-faintsBetty, Archie, and Jughead are surprised that Scarlet still exists. Reggie faints.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-81-ScarletThen we get this creepy/cool panning shot of Scarlet’s face.

Betty, while taking a step back, brings up Scarlet’s supposed defeat.

Through the use of a flashback, during which there’s a new voiceover of Veronica reciting the incantation (but incorrectly saying “shall” instead of “will”) while aiming the cross at Scarlet (even though she hadn’t done so in the previous episode), Scarlet explains she transformed into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-82-Scarlet-hitSeen here: Scarlet not transforming into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

Also, the animation was redone for the flashback (although the differences are almost imperceptible), which seems like a huge waste of time and effort. It also led to this completely avoidable error:

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-83-gang-Scarlet-NightAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-84-gang-flashbackAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-85-Scarlet-ArchieAnyway, Archie assumes she’s back for revenge, but Scarlet wants to help them save their “annoying friend”. Basically, kill Nilnuze, and Veronica turns back to normal.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-86-Scarlet-throws-ArchieAs she explains this, she throws Archie to the pavement, which is hilarious.

Oh, yeah, they have only one hour before the “vampire spell” becomes permanent. Vampire spell? The fuck?

After expositing stuff that we already know, Betty questions Scarlet’s motive. Scarlet doesn’t wanna spend eternity with “an eternal pain in the neck”. Betty doesn’t trust her. Archie doesn’t either, but he has to try to save Veronica to right his wrong. Scarlet will bring Nilnuze to the high school in a half-hour; she claims they “know what to do”. She turns into mist and takes off.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-87-Archie-Jughead-BettyJughead doesn’t know what to do. Betty is repulsed by Jughead’s garlic burger. Archie tells Jughead to take a breath mint and adds “Those garlic burgers are lethal.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-88-garlic-burgerC’mon, you dumbass, put it together. The answer is literally right in front of you.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-89-Reggie-wakes-upReggie regains consciousness…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-90-Reggie-passes-out…and promptly passes out again from the scent of the garlic burger.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-91-Reggie-duhIt’s only at this point that Archie gets an idea.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-92-Archie-BettyBetty volunteers to help. Archie sends her to find the Sun Stone in Veronica’s closet.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-93-Archie-Jughead-toss-ReggieArchie and Jughead toss Reggie in the back seat of Archie’s car. Then they go into Pop’s to “prepare for battle”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-94-RHSAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-95-guys-eatLater, at Riverdale High School, the guys hide behind the Thinker statue and chow down garlic burgers. Reggie’s confused about Archie’s plan.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-96-Archie-newspaperArchie’s like “Read my column, you dumbass! It’s the garlic!” Does Archie just carry his column around to show off to people? Was he gonna show it off to the patrons and staff of La-Cha-Ching? Veronica would have kicked his ass.

Also, hasn’t Reggie ever seen a vampire movie?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-97-Nilnuze-ScarletAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-98-guys-statueScarlet brings Nilnuze to the school, reveals his “dinner”, turns into mist, and leaves.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-99-Lodge-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-100-Betty-closetBetty has a difficult task before her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-101-Nilnuze-ReggieNilnuze swats Archie and Jughead aside and goes directly for Reggie…for some reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-102-Reggie-breathesReggie knows what to do.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-103-Reggie-stuffedUnfortunately, Nilnuze is smart enough to tear off a piece of Reggie’s shirt and stuff it into his mouth.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-104-Lodge-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-105-crossAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-106-Betty-crossAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-107-Vamperonica-MedlockVeronica chastises Betty for digging through her shit.

Reggie and Nilnuze struggle. Then…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-108-Archie-Jughead-breatheAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-109-Betty-cross“I can wield this cross like a nunchuk, bitch!”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-110-Vamperonica-crossVeronica tries to take the cross. She also suddenly lapses into broken English for some reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-111-girls-fight-1AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-112-girls-fight-2Betty and Veronica struggle over the cross.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-113-Vamperonica-cross-2Veronica is victorious.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-114-guys-breatheThe guys are kicking Nilnuze’s ass with their garlic breath.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-115-Scarlet-moonScarlet comes by to laugh at his misfortune.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-116-guys-breathe-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-117-Nilnuze-crumblesAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-118-windowOdd establishing shot, considering Veronica’s bedroom is on an upper floor.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-119-Veronica-revertsAnyway, with Nilnuze’s defeat, Veronica returns to normal.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-120-Veronica-crossShe’s momentarily disoriented.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-121-Veronica-Betty-crossBetty helps her out.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-122-cross-shinesAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-123-guys-celebrateThe guys celebrate Nilnuze’s defeat.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-124-Archie-highLooks like Archie had a little somethin’ else with the burgers. Maybe some of that “Jingle Jangle” that Reggie’s been selling on “Riverdale”.

Scarlet takes off, worried about “Master”.

Archie wonders about Veronica and Betty, but he says it in such a way that he’s realizing something. Not sure what, though. I mean, if Veronica got to Betty and bit her, both of them should have reverted upon Nilnuze’s defeat.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-125-Lodge-mansionOnly now does Veronica say the incantation. What’s taking her so damn long?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-126-Veronica-Betty-cross“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand shall end the night.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-127-cross-beams-MedlockDespite Veronica misspeaking, the cross fires…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-128-Medlock-old…and turns Medlock old. Okaaay…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-129-Sun-Stone-shattersThe Sun Stone shatters.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-130-Veronica-Betty-cross-2The girls don’t know what to make of this.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-131-Scarlet-shockedScarlet arrives, shocked to see Medlock.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-132-gangThe guys arrive. Archie goes straight to Veronica. Betty doesn’t seem to mind…much.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-133-Veronica-ArchieAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-134-Medlock-ScarletScarlet walks off with Medlock.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-135-Archie-JugheadJughead wants to burger their asses, but Archie lets them go, reasoning the Master won’t be causing any more trouble. Um, both he and Scarlet are still vampires, dude.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-136-Scarlet-Medlock-moonAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-137-Andrews-houseThat night / The next morning (by which point, the full moon had waned to half), Archie declares in his column that the vampires are “no longer a threat”. Scarlet loves Medlock just the same and keeps her word to take care of him.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-138-Archie-windowArchie will never forgot how he almost lost Veronica due to breaking one little promise.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-139-Archie-window-2He vows to always keep his word – and his super-sacred word…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-140-Riverdale-1AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-141-Riverdale-2…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was another cool episode. Veronica took a back seat but managed to come back at the end (because of Archie, Jughead, and Reggie) to defeat Medlock (with help from Betty). It really was a team effort this time.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 31 – Scarlet Night

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-01-Riverdale-ReporterWriter: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Wednesday, February 9, 2000
Length: 22:11

I’m sorry that this is so late. After reviewing “I Was a 12 Year Old Werewolf” last week, I thought it’d be fun to keep the entire month Halloween-related. So I’m gonna be reviewing the vampire trilogy from “Archie’s Weird Mysteries” (I normally wouldn’t skip ahead). Yeah, it’s throwing my entire planned schedule out of whack, but I think it’ll be fun. 🙂 Speaking of schedules, see the note at the end of this review regarding a new schedule for this blog.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-02-titleThe episode opens at Riverdale High School.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-03-Veronica-lockerIt looks like Veronica decided to memorize her locker combination.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-04-Veronica-surprisedShe’s surprised to see something.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-05-Veronica-batsAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-06-Veronica-bats-2AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-07-Veronica-bats-3AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-08-Veronica-upsetAfter such a terrifying incident, Veronica’s biggest concern is her messed-up hair.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-09-vampireSuddenly, a vampire shows up.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-10-Veronica-please“Motherfucker, please.”

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-11-cross-shinesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-12-vampire-VeronicaAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-13-vampire-killedI don’t know what Veronica does to the vampire, but she manages to kill it.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-14-Scarlet-VeronicaSuddenly, a mysterious woman – impossibly hidden in the shadows – arrives and addresses Veronica.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-15-Veronica-scaredVeronica is scared of her.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-16-Scarlet-Veronica-2Um, it’s some redhead. That scares you?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-17-Veronica-bed-1AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-18-Veronica-bed-2It was all just a dream.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-19-bedroom-windowAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-20-moon-batsOr was it?

By the way, that shot of the window seems to indicate the location of Veronica’s bedroom within the Lodge mansion.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-21-bird-RHSAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-22-Veronica-BettyThe next day, at school, after Veronica recounts her dream to Betty, Betty says it’s “weird” that Veronica wasn’t frightened by the vampire.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-23-Veronica-Betty-2Veronica says she can’t be bothered with this vampire bullshit.

Betty asks about Veronica being afraid of redheads. Veronica doesn’t know and dismisses it as a “stupid dream”.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-24-gangThey meet up with Archie and Jughead. Archie guesses it’s his “lucky day” for both of them to come by to see him. Does this not happen often?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-25-gang-2He wants them to read his latest column about vampires. He then proceeds to throw out some extremely common facts about vampires as if he’s making revelations.

Wait. Why are there residential houses across the street from the high school? Aren’t there, like, zoning laws or something? Or is this actually a common real-world occurrence?

Anyway, Veronica’s sick of this vampire shit. Archie and Jughead are confused. Betty explains.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-26-Veronica-BettyVeronica yells at Betty for even bringing it up.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-27-Veronica-Betty-2I love Betty’s expression. She’s like “Yep, typical Veronica.”

Archie goes on about vampire shit, angering Veronica further. She says she might as well be afraid of the tooth fairy.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-28-Jughead-manhandles-VeronicaJughead fucking manhandles Veronica, convinced the tooth fairy is real and can hear her blasphemy. If I was Veronica, I’d bite Jughead’s hand and then beat the shit out of him.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-29-ScarletThe redhead from Veronica’s dream shows up, surprising her. She’s actually looking for Archie, though, to compliment him on his column.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-30-ArchieArchie’s already fallen for her.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-31-Scarlet-2She introduces herself as the new transfer student from Redlands, Scarlet Helsing.

Archie introduces her to his friends. Betty welcomes Scarlet to Riverdale. Veronica is sarcastic in her greeting. Jughead offers Scarlet his cheeseburger. Um, yeah, no, that’s totally out of character. Scarlet responds to Veronica and Betty and politely declines the cheeseburger.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-32-Betty-Scarlet-ArchieScarlet wants to talk to Archie more about his article, so he offers to take her to Pop’s. I guess it’s the end of the school day. So why’d it take so long for Veronica to tell Betty about her dream?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-33-gangAnyway, Veronica takes issue with Archie breaking their date to Pop’s. Archie walks off with Scarlet without a word.

Veronica calls out to “Archiekins”. Don’t degrade yourself, girl!

Jughead observes the girls have some new competition. Betty now understands Veronica’s nightmares about redheads.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-34-Archie-ScarletOn their way to Pop’s, Scarlet and Archie discuss the weirdness. Archie guesses weird mysteries happen everywhere, and people just don’t notice it, because they don’t wanna believe these things can really happen.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-35-Archie-Scarlet-2Scarlet gets really friendly with Archie and then says she thinks Riverdale’s in big trouble, which surprises Archie. Yeah, talk about a tonal whiplash.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-36-Veronica-phone-carLater, Veronica’s on her fucking cell phone while driving. What’s with the head scarf? She looks like an Eastern European grandmother. When would this ever be considered a fashion do?

Anyway, Veronica’s complaining to Betty about Scarlet.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-37-Veronica-carAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-38-Veronica-phone-car-2Here’s something that I just noticed. Veronica was driving on the left side of a two-way street and switched to the right lane only to get around a truck that was parked there. That’s the only logical conclusion that I can draw from the visuals.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-39-Betty-phoneBetty, who’s looking out the window (probably to see when Archie returns), isn’t convinced Scarlet’s bad.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-40-Babushka-VeronicaTurn this into a meme, Internet. Please.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-41-Betty-deskBetty admits they’re both “a little jealous” and asks what they can do.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-42-Betty-computerVeronica says Betty is “good at snooping” on her computer and has her see if the Redlands school database has any “dirt” on Scarlet. Okay, Veronica just told Betty to hack into a school database, and Betty just fucking does it like it’s an everyday thing.

By the way, they got the C prompt wrong. Also, the background’s supposed to be black.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-43-Betty-painVeronica nearly causes a wreck and blames the “moron” in the other vehicle.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-44-Betty-ear“Stay off your fucking cell phone while driving, you fucking idiot!”

Veronica tells her to mind Scarlet’s business instead of hers and hangs up.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-45-Veronica-car-garbageDumbass.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-46-Beaumont-scaredAfter some more driving-related hijinks, Veronica narrowly avoids killing Doctor Beaumont but manages to scare the shit out of him.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-47-bag-openVeronica insists on helping Doctor Beaumont with his things but does more harm than good.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-48-cross-shinesOh, look, it’s the cross that Veronica wore in her dream.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-49-Veronica-crossOr, as Veronica calls it, the “amulet”.

Doctor Beaumont is surprised that she recognizes it. Veronica says she saw it in a dream.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-50-Beaumont-Veronica“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand will end the night.”

Veronica recognizes him as “that weird guy from that spooky old junk shop”. He introduces himself and then announces he’s getting the fuck out of town. She asks what the rush is.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-51-Pop'sAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-52-Archie-Scarlet-boothArchie and Scarlet have seemingly been on this date for hours. Archie’s hanging on her every word.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-53-Archie-Scarlet-booth-2Scarlet mentions the Eternal Night…

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-54-Beaumont-Veronica…of the Vampires. Doctor Beaumont tells Veronica the same thing. He also gets a bit touchy-feely with her briefly for whatever reason. Ugh. Never touch someone without permission.

Doctor Beaumont says the vampires are coming to Riverdale. According to “the prophecy”, the sun shall set this “Halloween Eve” (that’s redundant) and never rise again.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-55-ScarletScarlet says thus will begin the rein of the vampires.

Archie says Halloween is this weekend (which, actually, it was) and asks if there’s anything that they can do. Scarlet says it’s unclear, but “the prophecy” spoke of a “chosen one” – the Ender. She knows only that it’s a girl, and she’ll have the Sun Stone – an amulet with a gem:

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-56-cross-drawingAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-57-Beaumont-VeronicaDoctor Beaumont gives Veronica the Sun Stone, citing her dream. He says “its destiny” belongs in her hands. Its destiny? Why not just say “it” or “It’s destined to be in your hands”?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-58-Veronica-crossVeronica talks about Archie’s “stupid columns” and how that’s not her. Bitch, did you forget about being awesome and saving the world that one time?

Anyway, she says she can’t do it. He says she better do something and then leaves.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-59-Veronica-contemplativeIt takes her a while, but she realizes he’s disappeared.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-60-Veronica-callsShe calls and asks “Pops” if Archie’s there. Yeah, she might have been addressing “Pop’s” (the business), but it still sounds weird. She asks to speak with Archie.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-61-Veronica-Archie-parking-lotLater, she and Archie meet in a parking lot. She has to explain to Archie (again) that she wants to avoid Scarlet. He brings up Scarlet’s vampire research.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-62-Veronica-vampiresVeronica gets upset and goes off about vampires, not realizing two show up right behind her. Archie freaks out, but Veronica’s oblivious for a while.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-63-Archie-VeronicaAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-64-Archie-Veronica-runArchie grabs Veronica’s hand, and they run away. The vampires give chase. Veronica tries to convince herself that this isn’t happening.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-65-vampire-Archie-VeronicaArchie pulls Veronica into an alley, but they’re soon found.

They run away. Archie asks Veronica if she has any holy water or wooden stakes on her. Veronica reacts like this:

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-66-Archie-Veronica-lalalaAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-67-Archie-garbage-cansArchie kicks a couple of garbage cans at the vampires, which does nothing, because vampires can float (or, at least, they can here).

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-68-Veronica-pointsVeronica points in the direction that she wants them to go.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-69-Archie-doorArchie finds a door and tries to open it, but it’s locked or stuck, which leads to this funny gag:

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-70-Archie-VeronicaAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-71-Veronica-Archie-doorAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-72-Archie-Veronica-2AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-73-Archie-Veronica-3AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-74-Veronica-happyAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-75-Veronica-angryAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-76-Veronica-shoves-ArchieAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-77-Veronica-kicks-doorAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-78-Veronica-shrugsAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-79-Archie-on-doorThen they give up and run away, because the vampires show up. They arrive at a fence. Veronica says it’s a dead end. Archie sees a fire escape at a nearby building, which leads to them trying to jump up high enough to grab hold of the ladder. They can’t.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-80-Archie-lifts-VeronicaThen Archie has Veronica stand on his hands, and he lifts her up. He tries to position Veronica right under the ladder. Veronica tells Archie to hurry and then bends her knees a bit to…

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-81-Archie-tongues-Veronica…have Archie eat her pussy…through her dress.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-82-Veronica-pulls-ladderVeronica manages to pull the ladder down just before the vampires arrive. I love Archie’s expression. He’s just so over this.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-83-Archie-VeronicaVeronica and Archie climb up to the roof. She grabs his hand, and they run.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-84-Archie-Veronica-moonGorgeous shot. I’ll even overlook the fact that there was a half moon on Halloween of 1999.

But the moon is still way too big. I know, I know, it looks cool.

They run to the edge of the building. The vampires rise up in front of them. Then Archie has a plan:

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-85-Archie-Veronica-grab-vampireAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-86-Archie-Veronica-vampire-landWell, it worked.

They run the fuck away.

I need to note, after they run away, and the other vampire is descending to check on the fallen one, the audio goes out for a split second. And then it happens again as Archie and Veronica are shown running. That’s some shoddy quality control.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-87-Veronica-Archie-shopFortunately, Veronica and Archie are at Doctor Beaumont’s shop.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-88-Archie-Veronica-shopVeronica thought he left town. Archie guesses Doctor Beaumont forgot to lock up.

The audio goes out again as Veronica closes the door. And again as the vampires look through the window.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-89-Archie-Veronica-floor“I can’t even.”

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-90-Veronica-covers-faceVeronica is distraught. She talks for a bit about what’s happened, and Archie asks about her amulet.

Veronica tells him to give it to the chosen one.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-91-Veronica-crossFor some reason, Archie thought the chosen one would already have the amulet. Based on that:

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-92-Veronica-no“Oh, fuck no!”

They argue for a while. Veronica wants to get the fuck out. Archie concurs and suggests searching for a back door.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-93-Veronica-bookVeronica comes across a book that she guesses is the last thing that Doctor Beaumont read before he left.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-94-bookShe says it’s the one with the “spooky prophecies”.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-95-Veronica-book-2So why does she look so happy while reading it?

Anyway, she reads “Raven and red upon their heads, destiny awakens. One girl is the Ender, while another is mistaken.”

She starts to think about that, but Archie calls her.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-96-Archie-Veronica-back-doorThe back door is just as ornate as the front door. Doctor Beaumont really went all out.

The vampires come after them. They run away for a while, and then…

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-97-Archie-trashes-vampireHehehehe!

Veronica cheers “Archiekins”. He grabs her hand, and they run off.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-98-vampire-trashedUh-oh.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-99-Veronica-Scarlet-ArchieVeronica and Archie run into Scarlet, who asks what’s going on. They’re like “Vampires, bitch! Fucking run!” She runs into the alley to confront the vampires.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-100-Veronica-Archie“Whoa, there’s some serious shit going on in there! But we’re just gonna stand out here and listen.”

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-101-Veronica-Archie-2They finally decide to check it out.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-102-Scarlet-vampire“Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

Archie asks how she did it. She guesses she was just lucky. Veronica angrily asks how she found them.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-103-Scarlet-ArchieShe hesitates for a moment and then says she followed Archie in a cab out of worry.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-104-Veronica-happyVeronica takes this surprisingly well – without a hint of jealousy.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-105-Veronica-highOf course, she’s probably high as fuck.

Oh, look, they came out where Veronica’s car is parked. Isn’t that convenient?

Anyway, Veronica wonders what she’s doing here.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-106-Veronica-car-ScarletShe guesses Scarlet is the Ender, tells “the weird-mystery couple” to figure it out, and tears off.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-107-Lodge-mansionAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-108-bedroom-windowAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-109-teddy-bearAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-110-Veronica-bedLater, at Lodge Manor, Veronica is trying to relax. We learn she has a teddy bear. Cute. 🙂

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-111-Veronica-phoneAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-112-Betty-phoneBetty calls Veronica up with some important info.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-113-Veronica-hairBut Veronica starts bitching about Scarlet and talks about her being the Ender.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-114-Veronica-bedroomAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-115-Scarlet-photoBut Betty says Veronica was right. Furthermore, there was a Scarlet Helsing in Redlands over 200 years ago.

Veronica thinks back to earlier in the day, when Archie had told her that vampires live for hundreds of years.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-116-Scarlet-VeronicaShe then recites to Betty what she’d read in Doctor Beaumont’s book.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-117-Veronica-spookedShe’s spooked by the whole thing and guesses she’s the chosen one after all.

Betty is confused. Veronica says she’ll explain later, but they’ve gotta save Archie now.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-118-Andrews-houseArchie guesses his parents are still at the movies.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-119-Archie-ScarletHe and Scarlet argue over whether she’s the chosen one.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-120-cross-ScarletHe offers her the cross.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-121-Archie-Scarlet-2She asks where he got it. He says Veronica. She realizes Veronica is the chosen one. Archie realizes Scarlet doesn’t have a reflection.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-122-Scarlet-vampireWho didn’t see that coming?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-123-Archie-ScarletArchie, that’s who.

He tries to get away.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-124-Scarlet-trips-ArchieShe trips him by literally pulling the rug out from under him, although the editing gives him enough time to have, logically, made it past the rug before she pulled it. This is a common problem in cartoons: way more time passes in critical situations, but the shows try to insist otherwise.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-125-Archie-Scarlet-2They talk for a bit. Archie believes she wasn’t a vampire when they first met. She says she was. He thought daylight destroyed vampires.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-126-Scarlet-slaps-ArchieShe dismisses that as movie shit and repeatedly slaps him, which is hilarious.

But, yeah, I’m glad that this show acknowledges the “sunlight destroys vampires” thing is movie shit. In fact, it originated in the 1922 German Expressionist silent horror film, “Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens“.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-127-MasterBut then they ruin it when Scarlet says only the Master can’t survive in the sun, which makes no fucking sense at all.

She also says the rest of them can survive the sun in their human form and “wear some serious sunblock”. Just…shut up. You’re making no sense.

Archie asks about the Master and falls onto the couch. Scarlet says, once the Master is awakened, his power will bring on the Eternal Night. Then he can go wherever whenever. Whatever. For some reason, she starts drawing out her “s” sounds like a snake woman.

Anyway, Scarlet has to find and kill the Chosen One first. Archie realizes that’s why she sought him out. As she talks, he tries to sneak out – but then turns back to confirm she’s after Veronica. Duh, you fucking moron! She’s already fucking said that! Stop talking to her and go out and warn your girlfriend!

Only after she confirms it does he make a run for it, but…

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-128-vampires.jpgOh, shit.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-129-Scarlet-bat-moonAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-130-Scarlet-flyingAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-131-vampires-ScarletScarlet explains her earlier deception, though the flashback makes it seem like she kicked the vampires’ asses immediately after flying to their location, which I suppose she could have, and then she just ran back into the alley in human form and pretended to kick their asses. Or she only warned them against feeding on Archie and Veronica first and explained she was gonna kick their asses momentarily for show. It’s a bit confusing.

Archie realizes she spared them to get information and would have let the vampires feed on them otherwise. Scarlet says yes for the chosen one but reveals they weren’t supposed to feed on him.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-132-Scarlet-ArchieHe’s “special”. He’s hers. He cries out for help.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-133-Scarlet-cheeseburgerAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-134-vampires-gangHe gets it.

Archie rips the cross off Scarlet, even though she’s wearing it on a thick chain, and Jughead and Betty pull him out the (conveniently open) window.

Scarlet spits out the cheeseburger and exposits about how they mustn’t let the chosen one get the Sun Stone. No shit.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-135-gangBetty asks now what.

Veronica takes back the cross. As the vampire goons approach, she struggles to remember the incantation.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-136-Veronica-cross“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand will end the night.”

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-137-cross-shinesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-138-cross-firesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-139-vampire-hitAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-140-vampire-diesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-141-Betty-vampireAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-142-Veronica-smilesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-143-cross-fires-2AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-144-vampire-hit-2AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-145-vampire-dies-2You go, girl!

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-146-Scarlet-fliesAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-147-Veronica-crossAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-148-cross-fires-3AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-149-Scarlet-red-smokeHmmm, that’s different. And suspicious. No one questions it, though.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-150-gangVeronica’s amazed at what she did. Betty playfully rubs her head like she’s a dog. Veronica lets out a very satisfying “Aaahhh…” Um, yeah, draw your own conclusions.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-151-Veronica-happyAWM-31-Scarlet-Night-152-gang-2Veronica celebrates her victory.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-153-gang-3Her friends join in.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-154-Andrews-houseLater that night, Archie praises Veronica in his column. Why is one of the Andrews’ garage doors open at night?

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-155-Archie-windowAnyway, he guesses, sometimes, we can do a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-156-Riverdale-1He says just ask a girl named Veronica…

AWM-31-Scarlet-Night-157-Riverdale-2…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was a pretty cool episode. Veronica got the chance to be the hero again. Even better, this is merely the beginning of a three-parter! Betty put her “skills” to good use. The only real downside to this episode is Archie being his usual idiotic self.

I’ve recently realized it’s too much work for me to do a full episode review every week. When I subtract work at my actual job and any chores around the house, my actual free time is fairly limited. It took me well over 7 hours to write this review (that includes watching the episode, writing the text, and taking screencaps), and it typically takes me a little shy of 4 hours to create the post (correcting the text and uploading and inserting the screencaps in the proper spots). A review of “The New Archies” takes a bit less time. A review of “Riverdale” takes way more time. I can’t do this every week without my other interests taking a back seat. I have plenty of DVDs to watch. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

Therefore, after Halloween, this blog will alternate between a TV review and a comic review. I can typically review a comic story in around an hour, and it takes me way less time to create the post. The TV reviews every other week will be whatever I happen to get done. The comic reviews will probably cover primarily the “Betty’s Diary” and “Cheryl Blossom” series.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 17 – I Was a 12 Year Old Werewolf

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-01-title
Writer: Dennis O’Flaherty
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 7, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-02-RJHS
The segment opens with the revelation that there’s a “karate ‘demo'” at “Riverdale School”.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-03-crowd
A lot of people are gathered to watch the karate “demo”.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-04-Reggie-bows
Oh, shit, it’s white-guy karate. This is giving me horrible flashbacks.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-05-Reggie-breaks-bricks
Okay, not bad, Reg.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-06-gang
Archie calls Reggie a fake, and Jughead says he “probably did it with mirrors”. Huh?

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-07-gang-2
Betty chastises the two of them for accusing Reggie (and looks so happy doing it). Veronica seconds this, saying Reggie was nice enough to put on a karate demonstration for them. Um, wouldn’t Reggie’s sensei have to be present for this? I remember a white-guy taekwondo demonstration at my school. There was a routine set to “Bad to the Bone”. Seriously.

Anyway, Archie calls Reggie “the biggest show-off in Riverdale”. Veronica accuses Archie of being jealous.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-08-Archie-pulls-Jughead
Archie pulls Jughead close and expresses his concern about Veronica going to the dance with Reggie now. Notice how the girls don’t give a shit.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-09-Jughead-pulls-Archie
Jughead shakes Archie and says he can’t give up without a fight. Notice how the girls still don’t give a shit.

Archie takes the “fight” part literally and is scared. Jughead says he means psychology, not brute force. Might this be foreshadowing for Jughead’s future career?

Anyway, Jughead then does that incoherent cartoon whispering in Archie’s ear. After hearing whatever Jughead suggested, Archie proposes using brute force. Whatever it is, it’s dependent on Reggie agreeing to it, which Jughead doubts he will.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-10-gang-stage
Reggie thinks Archie is volunteering.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-11-Archie-spooky
Instead, Archie proposes a little trip before tonight’s costume dance to “Frankenstein’s cave”, seemingly a local haunted area. Y’know, I should have expected this series to air its Halloween story one week late.

Anyway, Reggie is spooked, but the girls are in love with Archie and Reggie over the idea. The guys try to decide what to do.

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While rubbing her ass against Betty’s, Veronica decides to go to the dance with Archie and Reggie.

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Betty takes issue with this and steps aside, causing Veronica to fall on her ass.

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Veronica clarifies by saying Archie and Reggie have to go to the cave.

Archie and Reggie seem confused or whatever, but eventually…

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-15-gang-walking.jpg
…they go to the cave.

I’m gonna ask this only once, but why the fuck do the animators draw the moon huge? This is fucking impossible! If the moon ever got this close to the Earth, all life would end.

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There’s a long shot as the gang walks to the cave. Admittedly, the imagery is pretty cool.

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Something scares the guys. Wait. I get they brought Moose along for protection, but why’d they bring Eugene?

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Anyway, then they fight…in one of those cartoon dust balls…in mid-air.

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Anyway, Eugene and Moose realize it was an owl. That’s what caused the big panic? Still doesn’t explain why they were fighting.

Jughead, Archie, and Reggie make excuses to leave, but Eugene wants to press on. After some arguing, Eugene argues they’ll lose out on pussy if they back out.

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This is enough to convince Reggie and Archie to decide “Oh, what the hell?” Admittedly, this is a more subdued reaction than I was expecting.

They discuss the legend and how “Dr. Frankenstein is just a story”. Jughead points out that Professor Sprocket founded Riverdale College. Reggie says “they say” he had a secret laboratory “down here”. So I guess they’re on the south side of Riverdale? Anyway, Moose adds “they say” he was trying to make a creature just like Frankenstein.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-24-Eugene-scaredTNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-25-frog
Eugene gets scared by a frog. So do the others. Then they have a laugh over it once they realize what it is. Ribbiting Riveting stuff.

Archie’s like “Enough fucking around. Onward!”

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They soon arrive at the cave. Eugene says, if they find Professor Sprocket’s secret lab, they’ll be famous. Uneasy, Archie asks “Famous for what?”

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In the cave, Archie finds a secret passage.

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-29-lab-1TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-30-lab-2TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-31-lab-3
He finds the secret lab.

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He gets chased by a little robot – and is terrified of it for some reason.

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He runs into shelves and somehow manages to knock every single bottle down.

After pounding on the secret door for a while, he manages to go back through.

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The robot falls on its metallic ass.

The other guys banter for a while, and Archie finally finds them.

They react like this:

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Then they run away. Why?

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Beats me. I’d burst out laughing.

Anyway, Archie yells for the “jerk” (singular) to come back, and then he looks at his right hand and finally realizes he’s a werewolf. Shouldn’t he have seen his hands much earlier than this? Anyway, he lets out a howl and runs off.

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Meanwhile, the other guys are running away. Moose asks Reggie why he didn’t “karate that dude”. Reggie says it “wouldn’t be fair”, because he’s a black belt. Eugene hopes the thing didn’t get Archie. Jughead screeches to a halt, realizing he didn’t think about that. He decides to go back to the cave. Eugene is impressed by Jughead’s friendship for Archie. Jughead is repulsed at that idea. The real reason that he’s going back is because Archie owes him five bucks (which is odd, since it’s usually the other way around). I said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: Jughead is an asshole!

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See? Even the guys are like “What the fuck, seriously?” They shake their heads.

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Jughead returns to the cave, calling for Archie and lamenting the loss of his five dollars. Asshole.

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Archie runs out of the cave and tackles Jughead.

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Archie gets on Jughead’s case about his big ideas and threatens to “show” him “psychology”. Um…

Jughead realizes it’s him.

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Archie spots a “posse” like in “the Frankenstein movie” and assumes they’re looking for him. Jughead hopes they don’t have silver bullets. They run away. The “posse” is neither seen nor mentioned again. So, yeah, that was completely pointless. I won’t get on the writer’s case about the posse showing up so soon after Archie’s turned into a werewolf, because the same thing had happened in Universal’s “House of Frankenstein“.

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On the way back to Archie’s house, Archie hopes his mom doesn’t see him. They banter for a bit, and then Archie climbs up the rain pipe to his bedroom. He asks if Jughead’s sure that he’ll change back in the morning. Citing “the Wolf Man movie” (which they’ve both seen), Jughead says it never fails.

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The rain pipe separates from the house, and Archie lands on a police car.

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“Whafuck?”

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“WhaFUCK?!”

The cop runs away.

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Archie decides to go to the costume dance. Clouds cover the full moon, but they have their flashlights.

Jughead has Archie check his reflection in a car window, and they make it sound like Archie’s turning back to normal, but he still looks like a kid in a cheap werewolf costume to me. Archie asks what he’s gonna do for a costume now (his mom made one, but it’s back home), despite the fact that he’s still a werewolf. Jughead suggests using the outfit that he (Jughead) wore in the Thanksgiving parade. Wait, I assumed this story takes place around Halloween. Is Jughead maybe talking about Thanksgiving of last year?

Anyway, Archie objects, and then…the picture goes out for nearly two seconds (but the audio remains).

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Archie’s having second thoughts, but Jughead insists he looks great.

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“What the fuck?”

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-51-Archie-turkey
Indeed.

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Reggie and Veronica laugh at Archie’s costume.

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Archie confronts Reggie over his fake bravery, citing the werewolf incident. Reggie asks where Archie was during that, despite the fact that Archie just said he saw it. Archie’s about to tell him to shut the fuck up, but then he turns into a werewolf inside the costume. How the hell does that work? It’s not like the moonlight can get in there.

Reggie’s a bit weirded out for a moment but then says Veronica promised the last dance to him. Jughead notices the moon:

TNA-17-I-Was-a-12-Year-Old-Werewolf-54-moon
Again, how is this an issue? They’re indoors! If it’s the fact that it’s a full moon, then I got news for you: it’s full even when obscured by clouds!

Anyway, Archie howls, flaps his wings, and runs away.

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Reggie yells for the “turkey” to come back.

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Veronica and Betty are impressed by Archie’s “wereturkey” costume.

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Archie runs into the the hallway and hides. Reggie comes looking for him, telling him to take his “medicine”. Translation: he wants to kick Archie’s ass for…reasons.

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While hiding, Archie worries, if Veronica sees him like this, she’ll never dance with him. Priorities, dude.

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Reggie somehow finds the exact room that Archie’s hiding in and is like “Get the fuck out here now, asshole!”

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“Okay.”

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Despite this, Reggie fucking karate-chops the door down. Bullshit!

He runs towards Archie, yelling “Hi-yah!” The others briefly sneak a peek. Reggie then promptly runs away from Archie, again yelling “Hi-yah!” Okay, that was kinda funny. But why’s Reggie afraid, exactly? For all that he knows, Archie’s just wearing one costume under another.

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Eugene asks if Archie learned kung fu. Um, why mention a different martial art?

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Archie tries to open the window and get out.

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His werewolfism starts to wear off. Ain’t that a lucky break? What would he do otherwise?

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Veronica has seen him detransform and confronts him over it. Archie “explains” it away by saying the costume is “moldy”, and Jughead finds that hilarious. What the fuck kind of explanation is that?

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Archie takes Veronica to have the last dance.

Jughead tells Archie to ask them to play Archie’s song: “The Funky Turkey”. Jughead then promptly runs away.

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Dumbass that he is, Archie leaves Veronica to chase after Jughead.

This segment was okay. It’s decent enough to include in an Archie Halloween marathon. But the werewolf rules – yes, I realize it’s fantasy – don’t make sense. At the very least, the segment’s title establishes Archie’s age at the time. I suppose this makes Archie (and, by extension, the rest of the gang) a sixth- or seventh-grader on this series.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 16 – Wooden It Be Loverly

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-01-title.jpg
Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 31, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

Yes, that’s actually the title. It’s not a typo – at least, not on my part.

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The segment opens on the gang’s hitherto-unmentioned tree house, which is near some train tracks. They’re throwing a paper airplane around.

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Betty rides over and carelessly drops her bike on its side. It’s not like she has to worry about money or anything. Oh, wait.

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She climbs the ladder. She has exciting news for the others.

There’s a zoom-in on a window of the tree house for no apparent reason except to eat up time.

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Betty announces “they’re gonna build a warehouse”.

I can only guess these are the “before” pic and an artist’s concept drawing. If so, more than just the tree house would be torn down, because they’re planning to build a bunch of skyscrapers.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-10-Jughead-Archie-newspaper
Archie reads the article and says they’re gonna cut down their old oak tree to build a freight warehouse (which makes sense, next to the railroad tracks). Jughead and Veronica protest.

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Reggie hits them with the cold truth that they can’t do shit about it. He makes a paper airplane and throws it out the window.

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The airplane flies back into the tree house. Archie unwraps the paper and confronts Reggie over the fact that his dad owns the newspaper, and he could have told them about the tree being cut down. Reggie asks what good it’d do, since they’re cutting it down tomorrow.

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Veronica says this is the place where Betty gave her her first (I think) permanent.

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We then get a flashback of it. Why would Veronica allow Betty to touch her hair, much less style it in a tree house?

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Ha.

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Jughead has fond memories of him and Archie catching the mumps in the tree house and having to stay for a whole weekend.

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Flashback time. Even if they did have to stay here (instead of being brought home), why didn’t their parents take care of them?

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In the time that it took for that flashback to occur, Amani joined them. Or maybe she had come in earlier and stood quietly off to the side.

Anyway, Archie says this is the place where all of them held their “annual get-dizzy-on-the-swing contest”.

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Flashback time.

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Archie asks if they’re gonna take this sitting down.

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Hehe, okay, that’s pretty funny.

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Archie asks if they’re gonna do something about it. Jughead and Veronica say yeah. Actually, Veronica exclaims “To the max!”

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So the gang, excluding Reggie, gets in a huddle. Archie says they’ll get the whole gang together, and then he goes into that cartoon whisper where you can’t hear anything that he says.

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Veronica single-handedly lifts Reggie to his feet and pulls him into the huddle. Damn, she’s strong.

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That evening, the gang (sans Reggie) meets at the tree.

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Eugene’s filling twenty water balloons “to the max”. (See what they did?) This would ordinarily be a Reggie task, I’m sure, but he can’t be bothered to do anything in a plan that he has no confidence in.

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Eugene fails at basic science.

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At least, he can laugh over his own ineptitude.

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As Veronica and Betty chain Moose to the tree, he happily sings a song: “I’m chained to the tree, and I’ll stay here forever ’til they don’t cut it down, cut it down.” He then asks them how they like his protest song.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-37-Veronica-Moose-Betty
That says it all.

Betty says it’s “very nice”, no doubt to spare his feelings. She asks if the chains are too tight. He briefly struggles and says no, adding he could stay here all night.

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“That’s the whole idea, you dumbass.”

Moose starts singing his protest song again, but Betty telling him to shut the fuck up, because someone’s coming.

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It’s Amani with a beehive for Archie. Where the fuck did she get a beehive? Anyway, he slips it in the knothole in the tree.

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Eugene calls out to Reggie for help with the water balloons, but he’s a no-show, so Amani eagerly offers to help Eugene.

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Jughead complains to Archie and Ethel (who’s suddenly here) about how Reggie’s always late when there’s work to do. He then asks if it’s bedtime yet. Ha.

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Archie climbs up the ladder. As Jughead’s about to climb up, Ethel gives him a bedtime snack. Seriously, she’s got a serving tray. Is she the official caterer for the protest group?

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Later, the guys apparently decided to sleep on the ground. Okay. Jughead talks about french fries in his sleep.

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Moose sings his stupid protest song in his sleep.

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Someone cuts Moose’s chain in one or two spots, and this is apparently all that it takes to completely free him. Bullshit!

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The fall doesn’t wake Moose, who continues singing his stupid protest song.

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Someone pours honey into the beehive.

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Ethel is standing sitting guard outside the tree house and nodding off.

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The girls are asleep inside and having wet dreams. No, seriously, they’re moaning.

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An improbably shadowy figure (who could it be?!) climbs up the ladder and lets the water out of the water balloons.

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At sunrise, the guys wake up on their own (bullshit), and Archie yells for the alarm to be turned off. What?

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Betty points out the arrival of the eeeviiil lumberjacks while not noticing the lack of water balloons.

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Archie stands up and barks orders.

Moose gets up to climb the ladder. He wants everyone to sing with him but then realizes he’s no longer chained to the tree.

Archie feels water drip on his head, looks up, and sees their water balloons have been “sabotaged”.

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Eugene says someone fed honey to the bees, and they won’t be chasing anyone for a while. Jughead asks if there’s any honey left for breakfast. Asshole.

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Archie and Moose try to defend the tree. They and the others sing Moose’s stupid protest song despite not being chained to the tree.

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A red limousine arrives.

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So does a reporter from WRIV, Riverdale’s local radio station. WRIV is in the comics as well, except it’s a TV station there. In real life, WRIV is an AM radio station in Riverhead, New York.

Ms. Grundy also jogs by at that moment.

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Holy shit, it’s the fucking mayor! We know, because he says so! He’s there to “officially pronounce” the murder of the tree. He even brought an axe to hold on TV. So, just to be clear, Riverdale is a sleepy, shitty-ass town where the mayor can take the time to hold an axe to a tree, even though there’s no newspaper photographer in sight, for a piece on the shitty local morning-drive show.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-62-gang-tree
Why is Reggie suddenly with them? Did he have a change of heart? Ha! You obviously haven’t been following along to know the real reason: shitty continuity.

Anyway, the non-chained protestors sing the stupid protest song about being chained to the tree.

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Ms. Grundy tells Melvin (the mayor) that he has a little protest on his hands. He addresses her as “Ms. Grundy”. I wonder if he’s one of her former students.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-64-mayor
Anyway, then he realizes he’s the motherfucking mayor and yells at the kids to knock this shit off, or he’ll throw them in the fucking slammer, where there are bald, goatee-wearing men that do bad things to little kiddies.

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The RIV reporter asks him to repeat that for the live audience. Um, I think her microphone probably picked that up, but whatever. The mayor tries to cover his ass on the radio. Ms. Grundy asks “Melvin” what he’s gonna do about it. The mayor struggles to come up with anything. Can you believe the people voted for someone so incompetent?

I can.

Ms. Grundy suggests forming a committee. He agrees and adds they’ll postpone action for one week.

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The gang (including Reggie) cheers.

The mayor tries to hog the airwaves, but…

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-67-Grundy-reporter-mayor
…the reporter swipes the microphone from him. Hehehe. Guess who’s not voting for you in the next election, asshole.

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After the commercial break (I guess), at Riverdale Junior High School, Ms. Grundy quotes Thomas Jefferson regarding rebellion. This gets Archie jazzed up. What the fuck is Moose playing with? He tells “Ms. G” that he thinks he has a new song.

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She snatches away his thing and says there are legal, peaceful methods of protest.

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Reggie continues to talk like all hope is lost.

Ms. Grundy goes over things that they can do:

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-72-Betty-leaflets
*make leaflets

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-73-Amani-Eugene-research
*research

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*circulate a petition to gather signatures

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-75-Jughead-mayor
Although maybe not from the guy that you’re opposing.

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I’m pretty sure that this is illegal. I should note the mayor seems utterly incapable of tearing up paper.

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Luckily, the local intrepid reporter is on the scene to capture…absolutely nothing.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-78-mayor-signs-petition
Somehow, the mayor thinks he’s been caught and decides to sign the petition. Why? Just hand it back.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-79-Archie-Jughead-fiveTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-80-Jughead-mayor-fiveTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-81-Jughead-mayor-five-photo
Who took this photo?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-82-Jughead-mayor-five-newspaper
Ms. Grundy tells them to get plenty of publicity for their cause.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-83-Ethel-Weatherbee
Ethel points out to Mr. Weatherbee that even the mayor signed. He’s impressed and signs as well. Ethel thanks him for his support.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-84-Weatherbee-heart
Hmmm, it seems Mr. Weatherbee has a personal reason to save this tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-85-city-hallTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-86-mayor-gavel
At city hall, the mayor calls for a vote on murdering the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-87-gang
The gang rushes in.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-88-Eugene
Eugene cites a city bylaw that requires the opposition to be heard. Um, cutting it kinda close, aren’t you? Why wasn’t this set up well ahead of time?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-89-mayor-Archie
Anyway, the mayor cuts him off and tells Archie to just fucking speak already. Archie talks about them loving their tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-90-Betty-petition
Betty shows off the signatures that they’ve gathered – including the mayor’s.

The mayor invites questions from the audience.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-91-audience-1
A woman brings up that the town is “littered with leaflets”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-92-audience-2
“Heil Melvin!”

More people agree. The mayor happily declares the tree comes down tomorrow.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-93-mayor-gavel-seriousTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-94-mayor-gavel-happy
He then keeps banging his gavel and calling for order (alternating between serious and happy), but the crowd is rowdy.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-95-girls-leaflets
Later, Betty, Veronica, and Amani pick up the leaflets in the park. Betty says someone’s out to sabotage them.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-96-Archie-airplane
Archie finds and pockets a paper airplane. I wonder whose it is. He hopes their token black friends find something at the library; it’s their “last hope”.

At the library, stacks of books randomly fall off the table. Amani and Eugene don’t acknowledge it. It’s not meant to be a scene transition, because there was already a wipe. Beats the hell outta me what that was about.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-97-Amani-Eugene
Actual quoted dialogue:

Amani (regarding a newspaper page with pieces cut out): “That’s it!”
Eugene: “Could be! Of course, it would help if we knew what it was.”

I…have no idea what they’re talking about.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-98-Eugene-dark
As Eugene says his line, the lights seemingly flicker, but this goes unacknowledged, which leads me to believe the shot simply darkens a few times due to some kind of error.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-99-Eugene-Amani-walk
There’s an unnecessary shot of them walking to the exit. Could this be…padding?!

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-100-tree-houseTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-101-gang
That night, the gang’s in the tree house, packing up their stuff. There’s a lot of commotion.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-102-Reggie-airplane
Reggie makes a paper airplane.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-103-Jughead-burgers
Jughead is “eating to forget”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-104-Archie-pictureTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-105-picture
Taking down an old picture, Archie says they had a lot of good times here. Care to fill us in on any of them? ‘Cause you all have shared shitty memories so far.

Archie can’t understand how someone that they know and trust could do this. Reggie throws his airplane at Archie. Archie takes out the one that he’d picked up earlier in the park and places it next to Reggie’s airplane. They’re identical. He says he can’t understand. ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!

Reggie tells him to knock it off.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-106-Ethel
Ethel announces Eugene and Amani’s arrival.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-107-Ethel-Eugene-Amani
Eugene says they have a “clue” but don’t know what it is.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-108-Amani-Eugene
While Jughead talks, Amani and Eugene switch places. Amani shows off a copy of an early Riverdale Gazette. It’s an article about Horace Riverdale, the town founder. Seriously, show? Riverdale is named after someone named Horace Riverdale?

Eugene says someone tore out a piece of the article. Um, it looks like someone tore out two pieces.

Eugene says that’s the missing clue. How the fuck does he know? Is there something in the article that led him to believe the answer to their problems is in those missing pieces?

Reggie quietly sneaks out.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-109-gang-tree
The next morning, at sunrise, the gang and Ms. Grundy are sitting in front of the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-110-mayor-bullhorn
The mayor doesn’t want any “trouble”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-111-Reggie-mayor
Reggie shows up.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-112-gang-shocked
The gang is shocked.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-113-Reggie-mayor-2
Reggie found this “clipping” (looks like a full page to me) in his father’s newspaper files. The mayor reads it silently. Ms. Grundy tells “Melvin” to read it aloud.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-114-Grundy-mayor
He takes too damn long, so Ms. Grundy takes the paper away from him.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-115-newspaper
The oak tree is a historical monument, dedicated by Horace Riverdale. So…only the caption under the photo made this clear? It wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the article itself? Furthermore, isn’t there a record of this somewhere other than this newspaper article? Doesn’t Riverdale have a preservation society or something? Wouldn’t they raise a stink about the mayor trying to chop down the tree?

Also, isn’t this supposed to be an old article? Just how long has the gang had the tree house here?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-116-gang-cheers
The gang (or some of them, anyway) cheers. The crowd disperses. The WRIV reporter doesn’t bother conducting any interviews.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-117-Moose-sings
Moose sings his stupid protest song, because he’s a dumbass.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-118-Reggie-confesses
In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, Reggie confesses to sabotaging everything.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-119-Betty-Eugene-Jughead
Betty asks why.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-120-Moose-Veronica-AmaniTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-121-Amani-Archie
Reggie says his Uncle Cyrus wanted to build the warehouse here, and he promised Reggie a mountain bike if he helped, but Reggie decided friends were more important.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-122-Veronica-heart
Veronica tells “Reg” that he did the right thing, adding this is the tree where he pledged his love to her.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-123-Betty-heart
And Betty.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-124-Reggie-heart
Reggie discovers even Horace T. Riverdale pledged his love to…no one…here.

Moose leads the gang in one last encore of the stupid protest song as the camera zooms in on Horace’s heart carving. The end.

This segment was a mixed bag. It was hilarious in some spots (mostly the protest song), dull in others (walking, paper airplanes), and bullshit in most of it. Seriously, these kids don’t have any happy memories of the tree house, no one questions the mayor’s decision to destroy a historical landmark, and pertinent information seemingly exists solely in a photo in an old newspaper article. You can do better, show.

Tune in next Wednesday!

Riverdale, Season 1, Episode 02: Chapter Two: A Touch of Evil

I’m sorry that this is late. I have a confession to make: I’m horrible with time management. I don’t know how I was able to get a new “Hey Dude” review up almost every Wednesday (with few exceptions) for over a year. Of course, my other hobbies had to take a back seat during that time. I do get easily distracted, though, mostly by YouTube (and, more recently, reddit). “Ooh, [insert name] uploaded a new video!” “Ooh, the new [movie] trailer is up!” “Ooh, someone replied to my post!”

I’ve realized something, though: I don’t need to review a new episode of “Riverdale” every other week, because I won’t be able to start reviewing season 2 until it hits DVD late next year, anyway. So why rush season 1?

So here’s what’s gonna happen. “Riverdale” is gonna come out every fourth week. Between that will be “The New Archies” and “Archie’s Weird Mysteries”. That should be more manageable.

Writer: Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa
Director: Lee Toland Krieger
Original Air Date: Thursday, February 2, 2017
Length: 42:20

Episode title reference

First, there’s a 50-second “Previously on ‘Riverdale'” recap, which I’m a bit surprised was retained for the home video release. It’s unnecessary here. Remove it, and the episode is only 41:30. Remove the end credits, and we’re left with only 41:01 of actual story (including those many seconds of black space where the commercial breaks went).

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-001-Riverdale-signRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-002-Pop'sRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-003-Jughead-laptopThe episode proper starts with Jughead narrating as he types his novel at Pop’s at night.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-004-Jughead-lockerRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-005-Reggie-JasonHe imagines seeing Jason in school on Monday morning…

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-006-Cheryl-Jason-booth…and seeing him and Cheryl at Pop’s.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-007-Blossoms-1Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-008-Blossoms-2Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-009-Blossoms-3Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-010-Jason-corpseThat’s bullshit, of course.

By the way, considering how Cheryl’s reacting to Jason’s “bloated, water-logged body”, I seriously doubt she’d appreciate Jughead’s description of it in his novel. Seriously, dude, what the fuck?

Another thing: why is Jughead writing a novel about Jason’s death? He’d need permission from the family to sell it.

Finally, note how Clifford doesn’t react at all to seeing his son’s corpse.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-011-coronerLooks like the autopsy is about to begin.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-012-Andrews-houseRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-013-Archie-bedRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-014-Grundy-braRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-015-Grundy-Archie-kissRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-016-Archie-Grundy-kissRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-017-Grundy-Archie-startledAt Archie’s house, Archie’s being kept awake by the guilt of not saying anything about hearing the gunshot on July 4.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-018-Archie-phoneHe texts Betty.

Betty is awake and reading a book in bed.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-019-Betty-bedRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-020-Betty-phoneHa.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-021-Betty-bed-2“I so don’t wanna deal with your bullshit right now.”

Archie looks out the window.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-022-Archie-phone-2Dude’s persistent.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-023-Betty-windowBetty shakes her head and turns off her lamp.

There’s only one thing for Archie to do:

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-024-Archie-runs-1Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-025-Archie-runs-2Go running. Topless. In the middle of the night. Of course.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-026-Grundy-houseDude, no.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-027-GrundyRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-028-ArchieThey argue over what they heard. Archie suggests contacting the police anonymously. She shoots it down and talks about her losing her job, him being expelled, and them going to jail. Nothing would happen to him; she’s just trying to instill fear in him.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-029-Andrews-houseRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-030-Fred-VegasThe next morning, Fred feeds Vegas.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-031-Fred-ArchieArchie comes downstairs. Fred asks him where he sneaked off to last night. We learn Archie’s been sneaking off since he was eight years old, going to Jughead’s tree house.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-032-ArchieRealizing his dad has dad skills, Archie bullshits about insomnia and tiring himself out.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-033-FredFred asks if Archie has something on his mind. Archie kind of tells the truth (it has to do with Jason). Fred tells him no more midnight runs until the killer is caught. His opinion of the town has lowered.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-034-Betty-diaryRiverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-035-BettyBetty’s writing in her diary.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-036-CoopersHer parents come in to explain they’re gonna have a lot of late nights. Alice hopes to exploit Jason’s murder. Hal tries to tell Alice to have some fucking respect, but she sends him to warm up the car.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-037-Betty-AliceAlice starts talking about loving how Betty always wants to see the good in people – even “people like” Cheryl, Veronica, and Archie.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-038-Alice“But they betrayed you! They’re eeeviiil, right?!”

Betty somewhat agrees, so Alice blacklists Cheryl, Veronica, and Archie from her daughter’s life.

Riverdale-1-02-A-Touch-of-Evil-039-Archie