Comics – Color Coded

Writer: ?
Pencils: ?
Inking: ?
Colors: ?
Letters: ?
Original Publication: Archie, No. 326
Cover Date: October, 1983
Length: 6 pages

Today, I decided to review a story that’s pretty special to me. It’s the first Cheryl story that I’d ever read (although, technically, it’s an Archie story). It was reprinted in the first digest that my mom ever bought for me. Back then, to my eleven-year-old brain, not knowing anything about reprints or the ages of any particular stories, it was all new to me, and Cheryl was one of Archie’s girls, equal in importance to Betty and Veronica (I didn’t register how Cheryl appeared in only one story).

Unfortunately, Grand Comics Database has no information on who contributed to this story. Not even guesses. Still, that’s not as odd as the fact that, despite the cover, there’s not a Halloween-themed story in the entire issue.

Jason stops by Archie’s house in his blue sports car. His snobby friend, Cedric, is with him. Jason makes fun of Archie’s “boring and ordinary” car, which is actually way outdated for the 1980s. Cedric asks what Cheryl sees in “that townie”. Jason says Cheryl loves “slumming”. Cedric suggests a new paint job for Archie’s car. Jason suggests “something gay-frivolous”. Cedric suggests polka dots. Jason calls him a genius and tears off. He goes to visit “Elmo the Spray Doctor”, a cheap car painter.

At Elmo’s shop, Elmo is confused about the plan. Jason gives him Archie’s address, but Elmo angrily says he’s supposed to bring the car to him. Jason offers up a lot of cash, and Elmo will “do almost anything for money”, so it’s a go. Cedric and Jason have a laugh on the way back to Jason’s car.

Meanwhile, Archie walks out of his house, and Cheryl comes by and greets the “handsome hunk”. He greets her. Cheryl has a lady-boner for Archie. Archie explains he has to take his car in for a brake job. She asks to ride along, and he agrees. He says the service station is downtown.

Downtown, Cheryl spots Jason’s car parked in front of the bijou and guesses he’s taking in a movie.

After they drop Archie’s car off at Sam’s Service, Archie wishes he didn’t have to take a “mighty long walk” back home. Cheryl gets an idea. She explains the movie that Jason’s at is a double feature (so…two movies). How she knows that, I’m not sure. Maybe the bijou is a one-screen theater. Anyway, Cheryl has a set of keys to Jason’s car. Figuring he’ll be in the theater for hours, she decides they’ll borrow his wheels. They go over to Jason’s car. Cheryl curls her arms around Archie and seductively talks about fucking his brains out. An old woman, walking by with a paper bag full of groceries, silently judges Cheryl. Cheryl says she’ll drive back before Jason gets out. Archie says then she’ll be stuck downtown. Cheryl says she has a dental appointment right near the theater. Archie eagerly wants to get home and fuck Cheryl.

On the way back to Archie’s, Archie says Jason’d be hella pissed if he knew Archie was using his car. Cheryl happily says what Jason doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

At Archie’s, they get out of the car. Archie thanks Cheryl and says he owes her. Cheryl wants to go inside and “discuss payment”.

While they’re inside, fucking, Elmo shows up and spray-paints Jason’s car, ridiculing the idea. Oddly, Archie’s garage door is open, just as it was at the beginning of the story. Does he not close it? Also, there are no cars in the garage, so I guess his parents are out.

Anyway, some time later, Archie and Cheryl are making out on the couch, and Cheryl reluctantly pulls herself away to get Jason’s car back.

When they get outside, though, they freak out over the polka dots. Archie guesses they have vandals in the neighborhood. Cheryl says she’s gonna put the car back where she found it and then get the fuck out, and she tells Archie to keep quiet about it. He agrees.

On her way back downtown, a passing trucker stares at the polka-dotted sports car, basically thinking “What the fuck?”

Jason and Cedric leave the theater. Jason couldn’t concentrate on the films, thinking about Archie’s car. He suggests driving by Archie’s and making fun of him over the car. Cedric predicts Archie will be the laughingstock of the town. As soon as they round the corner, though, they’ll come upon a crowd of people laughing at Jason’s car.

This story is pretty funny. It was definitely one of my favorites in that first digest of mine. Cheryl doesn’t come across as a bitch or conniving or anything like that. She’s genuinely likeable. The only “devious” thing that she does is borrow her brother’s car, which she has a set of keys to, so that must have been something that had been part of an agreement, probably set up by their parents. However, I find it awfully convenient that Cheryl had the keys on her right at that moment, when it looked like she was just walking over to see Archie. Still, the story’s good, and I love Cheryl’s ’80s-tastic outfit: dark blue headband; long, yellow, cleavage-revealing shirt; black belt with white buckle; black-and-dark-blue-striped leggings or pants; and similarly-colored shoes (okay, that last part was a bit of laziness on the colorist’s part).

I have an odd note about this story, though. It was reprinted within a longer framing story called “Faith, Hope and Cheryl” in Cheryl Blossom Special #2 in 1995. This was a four-issue miniseries that presented older 1980s Cheryl stories as flashbacks within new stories to introduce/reintroduce readers to Cheryl after her unexpected return at the very end of the “Love Showdown” storyline at the end of 1994 (she’d been gone for around a decade at that point). The odd part, though, is they removed one of Cheryl’s lines: “We’ll fool around”; I guess what was considered acceptable in 1983 and still acceptable in 1990 was considered unacceptable in 1995. How odd.

Tune in next Wednesday!


The New Archies, Segment 20 – Change of Minds

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:19

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

The segment opens with Eugene, in his basement lab, trying to convince his terrified dog, Sparky, to participate in an experiment. I guess Eugene subscribes to the Emmett Brown School of Science.

“This is fucked up, yo.”

Eugene wants to test his IQ enhancer on Sparky – with the goal of turning everyone in the world into a genius (except even Eugene admits there’s no hope for Moose).

Unfortunately, Eugene’s bird, Chewy, flies in and fucks everything up.

Eugene stops the machine – by pressing all three buttons, which leads me to believe he was just guessing.

Eugene guesses his machine’s a failure.

The doorbell rings, and Eugene bolts upstairs. What’s up with that penguin?

Anyway, after Eugene leaves, Sparky and Chewy seemingly pass out and then spaz out and spin around the room as cartoony tornadoes, because of course they fucking do.

Then they start acting like each other – with Sparky making bird calls and Chewy barking, because they can totally do that in each other’s bodies. Yeah, it seems Eugene has inadvertently invented a brain-swapping device.

No, no NO! This is impossible!

Animation error: the outline of the bone cuts across Chewy’s beak.

Anyway, Archie, Jughead, and Moose have come by. Jughead licks his ice cream and declares they don’t build these things like they used to. Eugene’s like “What the fuck?” I guess the “joke” is the fact that the ice cream used to fall over in the good old days, but it stays upright now. Whatever. Archie asks Eugene if he’s ready for the knowledge bowl. Eugene’s pumped and ready to “beat those creeps from [unintelligible] Heights”.

The pets come by. Chewy-in-Sparky steals Jughead’s ice cream. During more of these antics, Eugene figures out what happened. Trying to grab the pets to put them back in machine and reverse the procedure leads to this:


Some (much shorter) cartoony tornado nonsense occurs. Moose, in Eugene’s body, lifts the IQ enhancer, claiming he’s never felt stronger. Bullshit! Eugene warns him against dropping it.

Who didn’t see that coming? Okay, I admit I didn’t see the explosion coming. What kind of volatile materials is the machine made out of?

After a bit of antics, Archie guesses maybe they can figure out something at school. Um, what could they possibly do at school that they couldn’t do in Eugene’s lab?

In history class, “Moose” correctly answers a question, the tenth in a row. Ms. Grundy praises him.

“Awww, stop it.”

Moose, for whatever fucking reason, is balancing a fish bowl on his head. Betty’s staring at him like “What the fuck?”

He spills the water all over himself, no doubt killing the fish. Betty and the other students find his dumbassery hilarious.

Ms. Grundy’s like “What the fuck?” Oh, and Goldie the goldfish survived and is now happily swimming in a magically refilled fish bowl. Also, we learn Eugene wears a white shirt with a pocket under his sweater.

Ms. Grundy doesn’t know what’s going on. Eugene is like “You wouldn’t believe this shit. Have an apple.” Ms. Grundy is shocked for some reason and makes bizarre motions.

Then Moose…phases through Eugene, grabs the apple, and eats it.

The bell rings. Archie tells the guys that they gotta practice for “the big game”.

But Jughead’s gonna practice eating.

LAME CARTOON PHYSICS ALERT: kids lightly brushing against Ms. Grundy on their way out the door makes her spin around really fast.

At football practice, “Eugene” begs the coach to let him play, but the coach ain’t havin’ it and points him to the bench.

Apparently, Riverdale Junior High School is one game away from being “city champs”. Um, who, exactly, are they playing against? Don’t tell me that Riverdale has another junior high school, complete with another football program. Maybe a private school?

Losing will, from what the coach says, cost him his job. No pressure.

Practice doesn’t go well for “Moose”.

Eventually, “Eugene” takes the ball and throws it away in frustration.

He manages to knock over his friends with the ball, despite being in a weakling’s body.

The coach brings a football over to “Eugene” and asks him to kick. Of course, he does amazing, because this story has no concept of what being in a radically different body would do to a person.

Bullshit! Also, what the fuck is that thing in the background? A spaceship?

Back at Eugene’s house, Sparky-in-Chewy has some fun scaring Eugene’s cat.

More antics. The penguin appears to be a statue. At least, I hope it is.

This goes on way too long. Eventually, they do a quick tornado spin and seemingly switch minds again. Chewy flies back up to the perch.

In the auditorium, they’re down to the last question in the “annual Knowledge Bowl”. Riverdale is being beaten 49-0. Ms. Grundy spins the wheel for the 50-point bonus question. Well, isn’t that convenient? Be lucky enough to answer one question correctly and win the whole fucking match.

“Eugene” buzzes in prematurely, and Ms. Grundy’s like “What you on, dumbass?”

Even Archie and Amani are pissed at him. Apparently, Moose has been buzzing in and answering every question wrong.

“Eugene” gets up and storms off, and…what the fuck? Riverdale Elementary School?! Elementary?! Granted, up to this point, the show had never specified the name of the school, and it still hasn’t specified the precise grade and age of the students. I just assumed it was junior high based on the cheerleaders and sports teams and Archie’s letter jacket. I was in elementary school at that time, and we didn’t have that – not until middle school. If we played sports at all in elementary school, it was for gym class. That’s it. I guess being in elementary school does fit in with the kids having only one teacher, but it seems the writers didn’t want it to be quite as limiting as elementary school, so they threw in the other stuff.

By the way, in elementary school, we didn’t have inter-school competitions. In fourth grade, we had a spelling bee against another classroom, and that was as epic as it got. It came down to me and a girl from the other class. The word was “remainder”. I won and was treated like royalty for the rest of the day, getting high fives and free Now and Laters from my classmates. Good times.

Anyway, “Eugene” tries to spin the question wheel and breaks it. Bullshit.


Is the story over yet?

Anyway, “Eugene” somehow redirects the wheel, taking it outside and across the street.

Back inside, “Moose” sits down, citing a rule that says he can substitute for Eugene.

Veronica’s like “What the fuck?” Reggie’s amused. Jughead doesn’t give a shit.

Jughead burns Reggie good. Well, good by elementary standards, anyway.

The nerds on the opposing team are confident. Yeah, their school has a name; it ends with Heights, but I can’t understand the first word.

Ms. Grundy asks the final question: What’s the tallest mountain in the world?

“Moose” correctly answers Mount Everest (after initially making a joke).

Ms. Grundy’s excited that her dumbass team managed to answer one question correctly.

The audience is excited. The team celebrates.

Mr. Weatherbee’s about to present them with the trophy, but “Eugene” brings the wheel back to the school for some fucking reason.

The wheel flattens the trophy. Bullshit!

Mr. Weatherbee presents it to the team, anyway, and “Moose” folds it up and…puts it in his shirt. Okay. Oddly, the scene fades to black for a commercial break right then.

After the commercial break, we’re at the big game. Like all elementary school football teams, they get to play in a stadium.

The announcer sucks at his job, claiming Riverdale is trailing twenty to nothing right before we see this:

Also, why would the other team be named by mascot while Riverdale isn’t?

The coach is frustrated, because “Moose” got the ball and is running the wrong way. Jughead complains Pop forgot the ketchup on his hamburger.

So, from what I can tell, “Moose” makes a touchdown, but the announcer claims he dropped the ball after running 95 yards to his own end zone, resulting in the score…staying exactly as it was when we last saw the scoreboard, but the announcer actually says what’s on the scoreboard this time, so I think the show’s trying to make us believe a “failed” touchdown in your own end zone gets the opposing team six points. Fuck this show.

Eugene wants his body back. The coach throws his ass out of the game and substitutes “Eugene”.

Of course, “Eugene” does great, because he’s got the build of a player. Oh, wait, no, he doesn’t.

Despite Riverdale still being six points behind, the coach claims one more touchdown will make them the winners.

Unfortunately, Moose and Eugene tornado-spin at that moment, switching bodies. Well, isn’t that convenient?

The coach has been oblivious to all of this mind-swapping bullshit, so he pushes Eugene into the game.

Eugene actually intercepts the ball from Archie but then freaks out and runs the wrong way, away from the opposing team. The announcer tries to claim this is what happened last time, but, as you recall, he said Moose ran to his own end zone, not the wrong way.

Who didn’t see that coming?

Moose begs the coach to let him play with just a minute left. The coach agrees, reminding Moose that his job is on the line.

Moose gets the ball and makes a run for the end zone (the right one). The crowd goes wild.

Betty and Veronica cheer him on, as elementary school students are known to do.

The coach excitedly hugs Jughead. Jughead loves his anchovy burger, which he’s never had before.

Moose’s (unseen) touchdown earns Riverdale seven points, so they win the game 27-26 at the last second.

In their excitement, some of Moose’s teammates sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and try to lift him up.

It goes as you’d expect.

Some time later, at Eugene’s house, Archie and Jughead walk into his “totally rad” new invention. Eugene says he’s still ironing out a few bugs and forcefully tells them to not touch anything.

Of course, Jughead, dumbass that he is, butt-presses a button, gassing them and turning them into chickens.



This segment was outlandish but also pretty dull at the same time. There are a lot of antics and misunderstandings resulting from the mind-swapping. The overall message seems to be “Eugene and Moose are good at their own shit only, no matter the body.” I guess there’s some kind of message of “Everyone has their own gifts; don’t try to be someone else, just be yourself”, but this doesn’t really appear in the story, because, when they weren’t just going along with what they were told to do, Eugene and Moose were trying to be themselves. Whatever. Just remember one important thing from this story: Eugene and Moose must have held each other’s dicks while using the restroom.

Tune in next Wednesday!

Comics – Cool It

Writer: Frank Doyle or Kathleen Webb*
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo*
Inking: Rudy Lapick or Alison Flood*
Colors: ? or Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Archie’s Girls Betty and Veronica, No. 166
Cover Date: October, 1969
Length: 5 pages

*The original story is uncredited. The credits come from three separate issues at Grand Comics Database (see below for an explanation about that) and may or may not be accurate. All three entries agree on Dan DeCarlo as the artist. The digest reprint that credits Kathleen Webb as the writer is blatantly incorrect; she was 12 or 13 years old at the time. The other two entries credit Frank Doyle as the writer. They also credit Ruby Lapick as the inker, whereas the digest (probably incorrectly) credits Alison Flood. The GCDb entries for the earlier issues don’t have a colors credit, whereas the digest credits Barry Grossman. All three entries agree Bill Yoshida did the lettering.

Okay, so there’s a bit of a comedy of errors leading to this review. First, I didn’t finish my planned cartoon review, because I went to see Black Panther (it’s good, by the way) and run some errands. Second, my planned substitution of a comic review was a two-issue story, and I had only enough of a gift card balance on Amazon to buy the first issue. So you’re getting this, since I have scans of this story on my computer.

This story is kind of infamous in the Archie fandom, mostly thanks to a review by Mighty God King. I don’t recall where I got the full scans from, and I don’t know which issue that they were scanned from.

Alice comes into Betty’s bedroom and suggests she cut down on the pictures of Archie. Betty, who’s wearing a skimpy outfit, has plenty of pictures of Archie in various sizes (including on the ceiling). She’s even holding one between her toes on her left foot (which disappears in the next panel). She has Archie’s face on her pillow for fuck’s sake. Some of the photos are creepy for the awkward composition, indicating Betty took these photos clandestinely. She feigns innocence, which Alice finds humorous. Alice suggests she’s “overdoing it a bit”, but Betty insists you “can’t overdo Archie”.

Suddenly, Hal screams in anger. Betty runs into the hallway to see what’s got him pissed off. You know what’s got him pissed off? The fact that Betty taped a photo of Archie to the bathroom mirror, preventing him from shaving. She says she’ll take the picture down. Oh, and Betty also taped a life-sized photo of Archie to the wall of the shower, but she makes no promises about removing that one, because she needs something to masturbate to while showering it’s waterproof. There’s also a Josie comic or magazine on the toilet lid, and I’m willing to bet Betty masturbates to pictures of Josie as well.

Suddenly, Hal hears Archie’s voice and runs to Betty’s bedroom, believing she has him hidden. Betty starts to think of what she’d do if she did have Archie hidden in her bedroom. It turns out that it’s a tape from one of their school plays. Betty plays it and pretends Archie’s saying this mushy shit to her. Hal’s disgusted, but Alice thinks “it sounds wonderful”. I’m more concerned about how the tape started playing on its own while Betty was out of her bedroom. Hal insists Betty’s got to play hard to get. Betty insists she isn’t, saying she’d marry Archie in an instant. This startles her parents.

They go back into the hallway. Betty says she dreams of Archie swooping down on a white horse (in other words, Pegasus) and carrying her off. Hal and Alice have a good laugh over this, because Archie’s a klutz. As they go downstairs, Hal demands Betty control her emotions. He instructs her to act “friendly but cool” in front of Archie. She says she’ll try. She then promptly makes a run for the door when the doorbell rings, believing it’s Archie, because she “know[s] his ring”. Her sleeves magically disappear from her shirt. Hal holds her back with one hand and insists she be cool, distant, remote, and aloof.

It turns out to actually be Archie, and Betty is ice-cold to him (her sleeves also rematerialize). He wants her to tell Veronica that she (Betty) is not interested in him, because Veronica’s been acting very jealous lately. Betty coldly agrees. Hal is proud. On his way out, Archie hugs Betty, thanks her, and calls her “a good guy”. As soon as he leaves, Betty has multiple orgasms and does somersaults (including using the backs of her hands!). Her parents ponder what would happen if Archie had said he loved her.

This story is pretty funny and uncompromising in its depiction of Betty as being downright batshit insane. It has a weird publication history, being reprinted in Betty and Me, No. 52 (cover-dated September of 1973); it’s not often that a reprint appears in a floppy comic. Hell, the cover of that issue could be seen as a sequel to this story:

Tune in next Wednesday!

Comics – Chisel Fizzle

Writer: Craig Boldman
Pencils: Jeff Shultz
Inking: Jim Amash
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 255
Cover Date: October, 2011
On-Sale Date: August 24, 2011
Length: 6 pages

While showing Betty some sad dude in a studio, Veronica exposits: The sad dude is Marconelli, a young artist that her dad has taken under his wing. He’s “the greatest sculptor since Michelangelo”. Mr. Lodge pays for this studio, where Marconelli creates “masterpiece after masterpiece”. Betty asks why she’s never heard of him (because that’s what teens are up on these days: sculptors).

Veronica’s quiet about it as Mr. Lodge and the girls follow Marconelli (as if in a funeral procession) to another room to witness the completion of Marconelli’s latest sculpture. Veronica is amazed by…a rip-off of Myron’s Discobolus. Unfortunately, a tap to make “one final detail” to the base collapses the entire statue, which is complete bullshit. The writer would have us believe this happens every single time, due to Marconelli being nervous about “that final tap” and doing it “exactly wrong”.

Mr. Lodge says he can’t remain patient forever. Marconelli is aware. He says his “greatest masterpiece” is nearly done, but he’s been afraid to touch it. Veronica suggests stopping short of “that one last tap” (never mind that there really is no way to judge when and where a “last tap” would occur). However, Marconelli vehemently declares he would “never!” leave his work “unfinished”. Betty suggests having somebody else do “that last tap” for him. Marconelli freaks out and then flips his shit about tainting purity and sullying integrity and shit.

The girls think he’s too wound up and full of anxiety. Veronica decides they need to provide a diversion and make him loosen up. Mr. Lodge asks how. Betty sweeps Marconelli off his feet and kisses him full on the lips. Then Veronica kisses him immediately afterward.

Marconelli goes to finish his masterpiece, a statue of Poseidon/Neptune. Everyone’s amazed. Mr. Lodge doesn’t know how to thank the girls. Then Marconelli gets “carried away” and chisels Betty and Veronica’s heads and some hearts on the sea god’s chest. No one knows what to make of it.

This story is stupid. The entire premise makes no sense.

Tune in next Wednesday!

Comics – The Best of Buds

I’m sorry that this is late.

Before the story, there’s a 1-page pin-up called “Text & Relaxation”. Betty and Veronica are hanging out at the beach. Veronica talks about it being just them at the beach all day, but Betty calls her out on texting Archie behind her back.

Writer: George Gladir
Pencils: Jeff Shultz
Inking: Jim Amash
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 255
Cover Date: October, 2011
On-Sale Date: August 24, 2011
Length: 6 pages

Betty and Veronica are at Pop’s. Pop asks what it’ll be. Veronica says milkshakes to help celebrate “Memory Lane Day”. No, this isn’t an appearance of that stupid time-travel gimmick. Anyway, Veronica doesn’t specify what kind of milkshakes.

Nancy arrives. Betty invites her to sit and celebrate with them, and Veronica orders a milkshake for Nancy on her. Nancy asks what it’s about. Betty gives the backstory, which is the typical fighting over Archie getting in the way of their friendship. Veronica explains they decided to recall good moments once per month. Nancy pulls up a chair and disappears in the next panel. Despite that, Pop still brings three milkshakes (strawberry, it seems).

Veronica thanks him and recalls a cherished memory from back in grade school. There was a bully, so Betty taught her some moves that she picked up from watching Polly practice karate. So what was the bully doing? Untying Veronica’s hair bow (the fiend!). Veronica’s solution was to punch that motherfucker right in the goddamn face. Well, it worked: he stopped bothering her.

Betty recalls when her pet cat, Caramel, went missing. She cried to her mom, and Veronica had her servants scouring the neighborhood for Caramel. Veronica finally found Caramel snoozing under Betty’s bed. Okay, Betty was little; I’ll accept her not checking there first. Anyway, Betty says they’ll always be great pals.

Veronica then relates a lighter moment: she once gave a costume party for the neighborhood pets (she was probably in middle school at the time), and Hot Dog (Jughead’s dog) had the last laugh by eating the cake while they were laughing at his silly tie.

Veronica also relates how Betty helped her celebrate her ninth birthday by teaching her how to blow out all of the candles with just one breath, so her birthday wish would come true. This leads to Veronica and Betty arguing over who Archie’s #1 girlfriend is. Claiming to have foreseen this argument, Nancy tells them to cool it.

Betty realizes they don’t need a special day; they know they’re still the best of friends in their hearts. Veronica agrees an orders a tray of Pop’s best desserts. Pop asks what they’re celebrating now. Veronica and Betty say the end of Memory Lane Day. Pop is surprised, despite probably hearing the entire conversation.

This story is okay. It’s nice to get some background details on the girls’ friendship. I just wish they didn’t get into a stupid argument over Archie again (which was what they were trying to avoid in the first place).

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 19 – Loose Lips Stops Slips

Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is so late.

What the hell is up with the weird episode titles in this series?

The segment opens with Ms. Grundy announcing a statue-raising this Saturday.

Riverdale Junior High School has decided to award a smaller statue of the town’s founder. This news unrealistically gets some excitement out of some of the students. It will go to a student that proves to be an outstanding citizen.

While Ms. Grundy’s talking, Archie’s playing with a rope. Ms. Grundy has to fight for his attention.

Ms. Grundy, as always, expects someone from her class to win. She then goes back to teaching long division with remainders, something that I’d expect in an elementary school, not a junior high school.

Meanwhile, Jughead’s playing a (color) Pac-Man rip-off watch game. He then takes out some uncharacteristically healthy food (an apple and a banana) to eat. He turns around to ask Archie what he’s doing. Archie’s practicing knots for his Raccoon Ranger merit badge. He wants Jughead to cover for him, and Jughead agrees. This two aren’t exactly being quiet. It’s not like the class in general is being loud. Even Ms. Grundy isn’t talking. Why isn’t she calling them out on their shit?

The recess bell rings, and Archie just fucking gets up and leaves without permission from Ms. Grundy. Not only that, but…

Yeah, it’s as stupid as it looks. Jughead laments the loss of his (uncharacteristically healthy) snacks.

After school, Betty says she’ll talk with her folks and meet Veronica and Amani at the old-age home. Amani and Veronica basically admit they’re doing this to get the (one) statue (which goes to only one person), but, really, why would they fucking care about this? Anyway, Veronica shoves her way past some people to do some “good deeds”. Ha.

Reggie chews out a delivery person for being late.

He angrily vows to tell his father about this treatment.

Moose doesn’t know what he’s gonna do for a good deed yet. He opens the door for Reggie and offers to help him with the newspapers, but Reggie is paranoid about Moose stealing his good deed.

Moose then offers to help Eugene with his books.

Reggie is passing out free newspapers to all of the teachers – after school. I’m pretty sure that someone usually buys a newspaper and puts it in the faculty lounge at the beginning of the day to read. Anyway, Ms. Grundy cuts some coupons out of the newspaper and says kissing up doesn’t count as a good deed. Reggie’s disappointed and starts to leave, but Ms. Grundy wants Mr. Weatherbee’s shopping section. Reggie has an “Aha!” moment. Um, that doesn’t mean you’ve succeeded, dumbass.

Archie comes across the coach changing a flat tire on his truck and offers to help, but the coach declines (probably for legal reasons). The coach named his truck Ol’ Betsy, which has historically been the name of Archie’s car in the comics.

Archie insists on helping, anyway, after the coach expresses a concern about the jack holding. Helping, for Archie, means tying a slipknot around the other side of the truck and then tying the other end of the rope around a tree. Archie gives a tug, and…



“What the fuck did you do, asshole?!”

The coach chases his tire across the soccer field. The tire goes through a net, making a hole. Yeah, no, soccer nets are way more durable than that. But that’s not the main problem with this moment. Check this shit out:

The animation is so shitty that the hole doesn’t appear until a frame after the tire passes through the net.

After this debacle, the coach refuses Archie’s offer of the rope to help him out (yeah, seriously, Archie thinks the fucking rope is gonna help) and tells him to get the fuck away from him.

So Archie’s walking along, dejected, and he’s still carrying his stupid rope around.

He stops when he hears horrible “singing” coming out of the local old-folks home.

Of course, the girls would be behind this assault on peace and quiet.

We never actually see the old folks, but here’s something to consider: if time passed normally after the series ended, all of them would be dead by now.

Ethel is having fun and wants Archie to get in the spirit. She’s getting free noms in exchange for her good deeds, though, so she’s biased.

Moose lifts up the front of some dude’s car (which I guess got a little too close to the crosswalk), allowing two kids to cross the street. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the car drive past? The kids can wait. More importantly, though, why the fuck are two little kids crossing the street unsupervised?!

Anyway, Moose carelessly drops the car when he sees Archie and wishes he knew what to do for his good deed. So…that wasn’t it? Moose just randomly came across a car at the intersection, thought “It’s too close to the crosswalk”, and lifted it, so two slow-walking kids could pass by without having to go around it?

Archie basically answers this by saying “Moose is always doing good deeds.” Since when? That’s not exactly a character trait that Moose is known for.

Anyway, Archie considers moving to Bora Bora, because not being able to do a good deed to win a stupid statue means he can never show his face in Riverdale again.

Admittedly, this is a nice shot.

Anyway, the next morning (I guess), Archie decides to start his “good deed-doing” early, believing everybody will love him.

He’s too busy playing with his stupid rope that he knocks over a trash can.

This simultaneously wakes up all of the neighbors, who promptly turn on their lights and complain…

…and throw shoes at Archie, creating more noise.

As Archie picks up the trash can, he knocks the other one over, and it rolls down the street. Still, Archie says he can’t give up.

For fuck’s sake, dude, just run after it. You’re not gonna catch a rolling trash can with a lasso.


Later, Archie’s walking along, dejected, and gets into Ms. Grundy’s flower garden and begs her for to help out of desperation.

He pulls “weeds”, actually flowers, and he was kneeling on other flowers, so she removes him.

He offers to water her garden, but she wants to do it herself. He offers to untangle the hose, and…




For fuck’s sake…

Ms. Grundy is pissed and goes to change clothes before class. Archie’s all excited about how the water made his knots tighten and shrink up, but she doesn’t give a shit.

Archie decides he was right the first time: he is gonna move to Pago Pago. Um, I think the writers made an error.

Later, Archie shows up to class and tells Ms. Grundy that he put the hose away. She thanks him and says they were just reviewing the class’ good deeds.

This is Eugene’s “lovely display explaining the universe”. Yeah, no, it’s bullshit. Even Ms. Grundy sees it, because she wants Eugene to actually give an explanation and gets this in response:

Reggie’s flowers, bought with the family’s credit card, bomb as well.

Betty planted seedlings for the garden, which was last seen floating down Main Street. The class yucks it up. What happened to volunteering at the old-folks home?

Anyway, the class laughing makes Archie feel embarrassed for some reason.

Veronica points out the clean chalk board. I notice Smithers has been dyeing his hair.

Jughead again uncharacteristically takes out an apple to eat, and Ms. Grundy confiscates it, claiming it’s for her. The class yucks it up.

Ms. Grundy, ostensibly addressing the entire class, tells Archie to not lose heart.

The video that I have cuts to black for 8 frames. I don’t think a commercial break was meant to go here, and the running time isn’t any shorter than usual, so I think all that’s missing is a scene transition of some sort.

After school, some of the gang are hanging out at Pop’s. Veronica thanks Eugene for helping with her homework.

She then sarcastically thanks Jughead for finishing her lunch.

Reggie arrives and says they’re having a banana split on him.

Archie’s beat him to it, though. This earns Archie cheers from his friends, but then…

…Archie trips over his stupid rope, which he’s still carrying around with him for whatever fucking reason, and gets banana split over everyone (except, it seems, for Eugene, who disappears for the rest of the scene). Veronica freaks out about her dress despite not wearing one.

Archie guesses Reggie was right (the split is on him).

Reggie looks like he wants to kill Archie (and I don’t blame him).

Later, at Archie’s house, he’s still obsessing over his stupid rope.

Betty asks him to come over and help her, Veronica, and Amani…sweep the lawn, but he says he’d only jinx them.

Ethel, who’s washing someone’s car, gets in a burn. Archie doesn’t care.

Moose rescues a girl’s cat from a tree and is unaware he’s been doing good deeds. Ha.

Archie says he’s gonna move to Walla Walla. I guess Archie constantly changing where he’s gonna move to is the running “joke” in this segment.

Reggie is delivering newspapers (after school?) for someone named Winston, who has the chicken pox. Reggie believes the statue is his. Archie tries to lasso the newspaper out of the roses (where Reggie had thrown it), but…

Archie says Walla Walla’s too close, and he’s moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. This running “joke” isn’t funny. Did the writers just want to name a bunch of cities?

Later, Betty and Jughead show up at Archie’s to notify him of the statue-raising. Archie’s convinced he’ll jinx it.

Betty ain’t puttin’ up with that shit.

She mentions they haven’t seen him since those shopping carts got away from him on Baxter Hill. Say what? Did the segment just skip over a bunch of time?

At the school, a crowd has gathered to witness the statue-raising.

Mr. Weatherbee is testing the microphone and gets some feedback. He reacts sensibly like this:

Dude, chill.

He talks about the difficulties of raising the statue of their “beloved” founder, Horace Riverdale. Some random people in the crowd gasp when the statue is almost dropped. Mr. Weatherbee asks for the crowd’s complete silence. The guy raising the statue basically yells at them to shut the fuck up.

He then declares the rope’s gonna give and runs the fuck away.

Archie wants to hose down the rope. Mr. Weatherbee protests, but one of the workers says he’s right.

Archie manages to hose down a lot of people before getting to the statue. Ms. Grundy yells, because…this is most unorthodox?

The audience is in awe as the statue is successfully raised.

Ms. Grundy’s had a hell of a difficult time trying to decide who’s worthy of the stupid little statue.

The kids are excited to learn who it will be. Only Goddess knows why.

Guess where this is going.

Okay, a slight twist. The crowd yucks it up.

Anyway, Archibald Andrews is the winner. Yay. Jughead and Betty escort him to the stage.

Of course, it can’t go off without a hitch.

“Woe is me. *sigh*”

This segment was pretty dull. The bits with the rope were barely made relevant in the end. The statue was something that few (if any) actual kids would care about winning. Why would this suddenly be a competition, anyway, instead of being awarded to whichever student has shown to be a good citizen over, say, the current school year? Why wasn’t Mayor Melvin at the ceremony? Lastly, what the fucking fuck was up with the episode’s title? It has absolutely nothing to do with the story!

Tune in next Wednesday!

Comics – Beach Blanket Bash-Up

Writer: Paul Kupperberg
Pencils: Jeff Shultz
Inking: Jim Amash
Colors: Digikore Studios
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 255
Cover Date: October, 2011
On-Sale Date: August 24, 2011
Length: 10 pages

I’m sorry that this is late.

Before I get into the story, I want to address the cover. It’s nice (even though the scene technically doesn’t occur in the feature story), but why is the moon drawn so goddamn big? It’s not the first time that it’s been done. Just draw it normal-sized.

Betty and Veronica arrive at the beach. Betty notes they’re the last to arrive as usual. Veronica starts bullshitting about being “fashionably late” and gets on Betty’s case about wearing the same swimsuit all summer. She wants to take Betty shopping, but Betty declines. There’s a cute visual gag where a dude gets a boner for the two luscious ladies and gets hit in the head with a frisbee.

Archie and Moose come by, gathering driftwood for tonight’s bonfire. Archie’s really looking forward to it, but the girls are worried over who Archie’s gonna be snuggling with. For fuck’s sake…

Yes, this is the plot of this story. Anyway, Veronica doesn’t wanna leave “a big decision as important as this” to klutzy Archie. We see Archie trip and drop the driftwood as Cheryl wants by, but it’s unclear if it’s because of her or his own ineptitude. Veronica suggests flipping a coin. Betty says that’s “so impersonal” and suggests a contest, their own “secret Olympics” with Archie as the gold medal. Veronica asks who the silver medal is for second place. Reggie shows up and is his usual egotistical self in trying to get one of them to be with him at the bonfire. Since Veronica doesn’t plan on losing, she agrees to Reggie as the silver medal (without saying so). Betty slaps her five. Reggie’s left confused.

Later, Archie and Moose are eating hamburgers that Jughead grilled. Jughead’s also grilling hot dogs. Archie compliments the burger and asks for the secret. Jughead’s mum about it and talks about how he’s made “the pursuit of the perfect patty” his “life’s work”.

Nancy announces surf’s up, and a lot of people head into the water. Veronica and Betty slap each other five and go out to compete in round 1 of their stupid contest. Betty reminds Veronica that she’d wiped out last time. Veronica was embarrassed. She has since taken a few lessons from the world runner-up (the champ was busy). Veronica makes Betty wipe out and wins. Veronica engages in some G-rated trash talk (even though she seems to be an adult, judging by her dialogue). Betty compliments her and swims to shore.

Veronica suggests volleyball for round 2. Betty eagerly agrees. They join Archie, Midge, Reggie, and Moose’s game. It’s Betty, Archie, and Midge against Veronica, Reggie, and Moose. The game is “fast and furious” until Archie hits Veronica in the head with the ball, causing a…neck injury. Okay. Then Betty does it. Betty wins.

Veronica tries to conceal her injury and tells Betty to pick the next competition. Archie and Midge wonder what’s up with them. Betty chooses frisbee for round 3. They join Jughead and Reggie. During the game, there’s no trace of Veronica’s neck injury. Veronica explains, when her dad took them to Australia on winter break, a “nice man” showed her how to throw a boomerang. Veronica proceeds to throw the frisbee like a boomerang. It returns to her. Betty injures her ankle during this and tries to conceal it.

Veronica’s “sprained” neck is suddenly acting up again, so she suggests sand art for round 4. Betty agrees. Chuck’s working on one, and Cheryl’s just hanging out, doing nothing. Betty and Veronica get to work on their sand castles, but Veronica builds her castle too close to the water, and it’s ruined.

Round 5 is a three-legged race. Veronica/Moose beat Betty/Reggie.

Round 6 is…finding random lost shit on the beach? Betty finds more shit, so Midge declares her to be the winner.

It all comes down to round 7, a hot dog-eating contest. Archie is amused by Veronica participating. Cheryl takes a pic with her cell phone and posts it online for all to see.

Jughead declares Veronica to be the winner, mostly because Betty throws down a hot dog (or is it the other way around? it’s hard to tell). Betty hugs her, calls her awesome, and says she deserves this win. Veronica doesn’t consider it to be a win, because she’s sunburned, sick to her stomach, scraped, scratched, and sore; she can hardly move. She’s too beat to care that she won the contest. As the sun sets, she’s going home and leaves Archie to Betty. Betty finds Archie cozying up to Cheryl. As the bonfire starts, everyone else is having a great time, but Betty follows Veronica, realizing they were so busy trying to beat each other that they didn’t notice someone else was taking “the prize”.

This story is kind of mixed. It’s a stupid, degrading premise, but I love the fact that Cheryl got Archie by not doing a damn thing. Girl’s smart.

Tune in next Wednesday!