The New Archies, Segment 04 – Thief of Hearts

Writer: Jon Cohen
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, September 19, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

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First, I should mention something that I didn’t mention in my review of the previous segment. As of episode 02 (segments 03-04), brief music plays during the title cards, whereas they’d been silently previously.

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The segment opens with the gang having just seen a movie called “Sugar Slade: Private Eye”, because children of the 1980s loved detective movies.

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Veronica and Amani want to fuck Sugar Slade, but Archie and Eugene struggle to describe her (yeah, Sugar Slade is a female character).

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Reggie settles on “okay”, which offends all three girls.

I guess I should explain who Amani is. She’s not from the comics. She was made up solely for this series – and, I’m willing to bet, solely so Eugene (the sole black character) could have a love interest without “offending” future Trump supporters birthers Southern white trash fucking assholes bigots.

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Reggie disputes Betty’s claim of Sugar Slade’s awesomeness.

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Archie is an irresponsible pet owner that brought his dog with him and left him tied to his unsecure bike for approximately two hours.

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Some slapstick “humor”.

Reggie makes a claim about being able to solve a case, so Betty suggests a bet, and Reggie accepts.

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Veronica steals the only remaining copy of the newspaper and learns a thief robbed the Riverdale jewelry store last night and made off with a million dollars in diamonds. The only clues left behind were some red fibers and footprints made by “an overweight individual” wearing tennis shoes.

Reggie claims they’ll have it solved in 24 hours. Betty says, if not, they have to do all of the girls’ homework for a week. This is 1) a bad prize and 2) something that they’d never be able to get past their parents or teachers. Anyway, Reggie says vice-versa.

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The lame game is afoot!

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The next day, after apparently having a sleepover at Veronica’s and then putting on the exact same clothes from the previous night (they rarely wear anything other than those clothes, because Goddess forbid they challenge the animators), Veronica decides their first order of business:

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Go shopping. Of course.

Hmm, I wonder if this is the same department store that Archie will later work at.

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What kind of department store employs someone to open the door for the customers?

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Veronica refers to her mother as “Mummy”. Odd.

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At the jewelry store, the girls start looking for clues.

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Their techniques include running and skipping.

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Betty finds a red fiber.

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“Whafuck?”

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At Reggie’s house, Reggie decides they need to dress like “Miami Vice” rejects. This is the second segment in a row to do this, so it’s a theme this episode.

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Ha.

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The girls meet up, having not found anything.

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It’s almost noon, and Betty is over this shit.

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Veronica says they’ve solved the case.

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Betty and Amani don’t believe Mr. Weatherbee’s the thief.

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However, Veronica mentions the tennis shoe footprints, red fibers,…

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…the fact that the thief is a fatass,…

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…and the money that Mr. Weatherbee now has (because it’s not like he could have gotten that money any other way, such as, let’s say, a well-paying job).

Veronica declares they’re gonna “tail him and nail him”.

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After the commercial break, it’s noon, and the guys haven’t turned up any clues either.

Archie thinks maybe the girls were right (smarter than them). Reggie disputes that.

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Mr. Weatherbee runs by. Amusingly, tape damage causes the video to shake at the same time, which fits in perfectly with this:

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As Reggie finishes his male-superiority rant, this happens:

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Beautiful.

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Reggie and Veronica exchange some words, and then Red takes an interest in Reggie.

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Mr. Weatherbee arrives at a men’s clothing store.

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The girls bike into the store through the revolving door, because that’s a sensible and totally safe thing to do.

Then the door “spits” the bikes back out onto the street, where they neatly line up next to each other. Funny?

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Inside, Mr. Weatherbee tries on a “very expensive” suit. The salesperson tries to talk him into buying it. I wonder what Mr. Weatherbee’s reflection thinks of the suit. No, I don’t.

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Veronica symbolically positions her head between a man’s legs (after mounting her two gal pals) and spies on her principal.

Veronica wants to be raised higher, and…

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Yeah, who didn’t see that coming?

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This causes a chain reaction, which hits the salesperson, who trips Mr. Weatherbee, who falls onto a clothing rack, which goes up an escalator, clothing the riders in the clothes. Yeah…

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The salesperson throws the girls out on their asses.

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They slam into their bikes (nothing comes of this).

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Mr. Weatherbee passes by and is like “‘Sup, bitches?”

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The girls are shocked at this and faint for no reason.

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Mr. Weatherbee stops by…a dog, I guess (nothing comes of this).

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Mr. Weatherbee also passes by the guys.

Reggie puts the pieces together just as Veronica had.

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Later, the guys witness Mr. Weatherbee buying “the most expensive bottle of perfume in the place” – with cash. They’re stumped as to how it ties into robbing a jewelry store, though.

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Mr. Weatherbee doesn’t seem to think it odd that his students are following him around town.

The guys give chase.

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At Riverdale Junior High School, Mr. Weatherbee sneaks into Miss Grundy’s classroom, and the guys come by (taking an alternate route through the school). Keep in mind that this is the weekend, a holiday, or a teacher workday, so there should be no way for the kids to get in.

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Anyway, Eugene spies through the keyhole (c’mon, no keyholes are that big) and sees Mr. Weatherbee putting a necklace in Miss Grundy’s drawer.

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Meanwhile, the girls are also spying from outside. Veronica believes this “proves” Mr. Weatherbee robbed the jewelry store.

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The girls follow Mr. Weatherbee to his house and witness him putting a loaded bag into his car, which he wasn’t seen driving around in earlier (that’s my observation; the show doesn’t call attention to that fact). Betty bets it’s the rest of the diamonds from the robbery.

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Mr. Weatherbee drives off, and it’s revealed the guys had followed him home as well. Reggie says it’s time to call the police.

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This worries Red.

There’s a long sequence in which the girls chase after Mr. Weatherbee on their bikes, which does nothing except eat up the running time, show off some of Riverdale, and prove Riverdale has absolutely no traffic problems. Have I mentioned DiC is often called “Do It Cheap”?

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Mr. Weatherbee and the girls arrive at Miss Grundy’s house.

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Veronica and Betty confront him. He’s like “What the fuck are you bitches on?” Amani says they’re making a “citizen’s arrest”.

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The cops arrive. Miss Grundy comes out and is like “What the fuck?”

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The guys appear right the fuck out of nowhere, and Reggie points out Mr. Weatherbee to the cops.

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It turns out that Mr. Weatherbee was bringing roses to Miss Grundy (which doesn’t explain the huge bag).

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The girls are ashamed.

But that doesn’t stop them from speeding off…

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…and…observing from behind some nearby bushes. What?

Mr. Weatherbee explains he was about to surprise his “favorite” on her birthday with flowers. Take notes, Eugene: this is Miss Grundy’s actual birthday.

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Miss Grundy shoves a cop out of the way in her excitement.

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She suddenly becomes embarrassed at Mr. Weatherbee seeing her like this. She runs inside, and Mr. Weatherbee follows her, saying she looks “totally awesome”.

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The guys try to sneak away, but a cop stops them.

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He takes them “downtown”. Reggie tries to blame Archie.

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The girls seemingly get off without suffering any consequences, and they decide to go to see a movie (probably “Sugar Slade” again, knowing their girl crush on her).

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After they leave, though, Mr. Weatherbee makes clear that he’s giving them detention tomorrow, which I’m pretty sure is illegal for a non-school offense, which basically amounted to mild harassment.

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This segment was a “big deal out of nothing” story (to the extreme; did you notice the amount of filler?). The kids try to solve a crime (which ends up going unsolved), something that I can’t imagine real kids taking an interest in, and follow their school principal around town, something that I can’t imagine real kids doing. It’s kind of funny, but it’s also a big cartoon trope.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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