Robot Chicken – Are You the One? Archie Edition

Writers: a bunch of people; no telling who wrote what
Director: Tom Sheppard
Original Air Date: Sunday, November 22, 2015
Length: 1:53

This week, I’m taking a look at another Archie-related segment from “Robot Chicken“. This Archie story is in the episode, “Cake Pillow“, the 5th episode of season 8 and the 144th episode overall. No legal problems this time (looks like Archie Comics learned its lesson). The segment is available on YouTube to watch for free.

Here is the (known) voice cast:

Fred Armisen – Archie Andrews
Ashley Rickards – Betty Cooper
Ryan Phillippe – Reggie Mantle
Seth Green – Ryan Devlin

As you can guess from the title of the segment, the Riverdale gang is involved in a parody of “Are You the One?” (an MTV reality series), which I’ve never seen. The basic setup of the series is twenty people live together in a tropical setting in order to find their perfect match. Please note this segment is in a different universe than “Archie’s Final Destination“. Let’s get into it.

Host Ryan Devlin makes the introduction.

While his words are censored, it’s clear that he’s calling Archie Andrews “a routine pussy smasher”. That’s true. Extremely unlikely and fantasy wish fulfillment for unremarkable boys everywhere – but true.

Archie’s week is reviewed.

Betty Cooper is a routine ass grabber.

Veronica Lodge is her usual self. No surprises here.

Archie has to get wasted on whiskey for Ethel Muggs to do it for him.

Despite all of this, Archie can’t get any of their names right.

Not even his perfect match, Sherry Bosoms Cheryl Blossom. This segment is, technically, the first appearance of Cheryl Blossom outside print, over a year before “Riverdale” (although it’s not an official Archie product).

Ryan asks Betty what she thinks of this match.

Betty claims she “couldn’t be happier” for the “cute couple”.

She keeps up the act while cutting herself during an interview.

Betty and Veronica watch as Cheryl makes out with Archie while Archie palms Cheryl’s ass.

Ethel (having a deep, masculine voice) comes by and wants to fuck Jughead right now, but he picked Betty. Ethel offers to let him eat a Hot Pocket out of her “hot pocket”. Jughead agrees, and this starts the segment’s “thing” of using euphemisms for sexual organs.

Reggie comes by, hoping a horrible pick-up line will make Betty want to fuck him: “You can be my trophy, and I’ll put you on the mantle.”

Reggie then explains the joke, which is his thing in these “Robot Chicken” segments.

Wait. Reggie’s from Texas? Since when? Oh, well, I guess I won’t hold it against him, but it does explain so much.

Veronica watches in amusement as Reggie asks Betty for a “handy in the pool”, a “Hummer in the driveway”, and a “French splitter in the wine cellar”. Betty, annoyed, walks away, and Veronica follows, presumably to show her bestie what a real lover is like (at least, that’s my fantasy). Reggie then runs after them, calling for Veronica.

Pop’s whole interview consists of him asking “What the fuck is goin’ on here?!”

Archie and Cheryl enter the Truth Booth to find out if they’re really a perfect match.

Nope.

Oh, well, Cheryl “forces” Archie to eat her pussy anyway.

As Betty, Veronica, and Cheryl fight over Archie (which will, no doubt, end in a foursome), Pop declares this game is stupid.

Pop serves Jughead a burger.

Hello.

Perfect match?

Oh, it was just a commercial for an upcoming episode. Funny how the segment didn’t make that clear at the beginning.

Archie decides to put Reggie “on the mantle”.

This use of his phrase gets Reggie all hot and bothered.

As Reggie makes out with Archie, Betty, Veronica, and Cheryl look on in delight, knowing this opens up plenty more combinations.

Betty gets a little somethin-somethin’ from an eager Veronica.

But what about poor Cheryl? She’s all left out.

Oh, never mind. Problem solved. 🙂

Cliffhanger!

The End

So this was pretty funny, too. My only complaints are Cheryl doesn’t speak, and her swimsuit isn’t skimpy enough.

Tune in next Wednesday!