Sabrina’s Secret Life, Episode 07 – Rather, Rinse, Repent

“Aren’t you skipping a series?” you ask?

Well, yes, I am, but there’s a reason for that. Multiple reasons, actually. Here’s some history:

Due to the success of the live-action series, “Sabrina the Teenage Witch“, Hartbreak Films partnered with – who else? – DiC to make an animated Sabrina series. The appropriately, albeit uninspiringly, named “Sabrina: The Animated Series” premiered on Monday, September 6, 1999, and ran for one season of 65 episodes, ending on Sunday, February 27, 2000 (as always, be wary of “original air dates” on the Internet for older episodes). It re-imagined Sabrina as a 12-year-old witch attending middle school and living in Greendale (her home in the comics), so it was in no way canon to the live-action series. In a nice bit of casting, Melissa Joan Hart voiced Aunts Hilda and Zelda, and her younger sister, Emily Hart, voiced Sabrina. Nick Backay (of the live-action series) continued to voice Salem. Harvey was voiced by Bill Switzer. Characters created specifically for this series include Uncle Quigley (Jay Brazeau), Sabrina’s maternal great-uncle and the household’s adult guardian; Chloe Flan (Cree Summer), Sabrina’s mortal best friend that knows her secret; Gemini “Gem” Stone (Chantal Strand), the rich mean girl that competes with Sabrina for Harvey; Perry “Pi” McDonald (Chantal Strand), Harvey’s best friend and basically a Chinese version of Jughead; Horace a.k.a. Slugloafe (Jason Michas), the school bully; Bernard (Chantal Strand), basically a bald Dilton Doiley; Tim the Witch Smeller (Bob Bergen), a recurring witch hunter; Enchantra (unknown voice actor), the queen of all witches and head of the Witches’ Council; and (at least according to IMDb) Lalania Lindbjerg, reprising her role of Katy Lemore from the live-action movie. There are a lot of actors for this series listed at IMDb. A suspiciously high number, actually. How big of a budget did this series have?

Anyway, Sabrina deals with typical problems and has access to a Spookie Jar (David Sobolov), a genie or demon that lives in a purple cookie jar in the kitchen and speaks entirely in rhymes. He provides Sabrina with spells that don’t go as expected.

From what I’ve seen, it’s an okay series, featuring a memorable theme song by Irish pop group B*Witched. Some videos games were made based on it.

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Archie Comics ended its regular Sabrina series after 32 issues in December of 1999 (cover date) and launched a new Animated tie-in series, “Sabrina”, in January of 2000 (cover date). It ran for 37 issues, ending that incarnation in December of 2002 (cover date), greatly outlasting the cartoon series. The plot, in a convoluted move by Archie Comics, involved Repulsa the Goblin Queen sending Sabrina back in time to relive her childhood, so she’d be out of the way while Repulsa attempted to conquer Enchantra’s realm. So does that mean the Animated Series isn’t how Sabrina’s childhood originally went down? Or is it, and the comic book is the do-over? So confusing.

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Regardless, the title changed to “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” with #38, and the Repulsa plot was resolved. The following issue started chronicling Sabrina’s life as a teenager again. Issue #57 in July of 2004 (cover date) was the last one to feature an insert of Melissa Joan Hart on the cover. By this time, even though the live-action series had already ended, Sabrina had taken on an appearance similar to Hart’s.

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From issues #58-100, running from August of 2004 to April of 2009 (cover dates), Sabrina made the world look like manga, because of course she did.

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After that, the final four issues of the series were hijacked by Salem for a prequel miniseries about his warlock days, so the whole thing technically ended in September of 2009 (cover date).

So, yeah, Melissa Joan Hart and her mother, Paula Hart, had a huge hand in reviving the Sabrina character and bringing it to the masses. So why am I skipping such a big series? Patience.

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The first 32 episodes of the series were released on DVD on Tuesday, February 15, 2011, by Mill Creek Entertainment, but the rest of the series failed to get a DVD release.

Well, except one episode. “La Femme Sabrina” was included as a bonus episode on disc 1 of “Archie’s Weird Mysteries“. Why they decided to showcase the 64th episode, I don’t know, but it’s the only episode that I have on DVD. I’m not reviewing it, because it omits a lot of characters.

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On Sunday, October 6, 2002, “Sabrina: Friends Forever” premiered as the first movie of Nickelodeon Sunday Movie Toons (of which there were 13 total). This 74-minute movie was a continuation of “Sabrina: The Animated Series” – but without the Harts’ involvement (despite the live-action series still being in production). The character designs were basically the same. Sabrina turns 13 years old and receives her first magic wand from Enchantra. She then goes off to Witch Academy. There, she meets a new friend (Nicole) and a snobby, rich mean girl (Portia). Sabrina was now voiced by Britt McKillip. Portia was voiced by her older sister, Carly McKillip. Nicole Candler was voiced by Alexandra Carter. Aunt Hilda was voiced by Moneca Stori. Aunt Zelda was voiced by Bettina Bush. Salem was voiced by Louis Chirillo, and his take on the character really didn’t impress me. Enchantra was voiced by Jane Mortifee. Jay Brazeau (Uncle Quigley from the Animated Series) had a cameo as the different Uncle Eustace.

I bought the movie years ago out of the cheap bin at Kmart but only recently watched the thing. It’s…okay. Just okay. Major characters and concepts from the Animated Series were dropped without explanation, and new characters were introduced.

And then guess what.

They did it again.

A new animated series, “Sabrina’s Secret Life“, premiered on Monday, November 10, 2003, and ran for 26 episodes, concluding on Tuesday, February 3, 2004, bringing an end to the once-mighty Sabrina juggernaut.

In this new series, Sabrina (Britt McKillip) is 14 years old and starting to attend Greendale High School. The Witch Academy and the new characters from “Sabrina: Friends Forever” (including, amusingly, Nicole, the girl with which Sabrina was to be “friends forever”) were dropped without explanation (Witch Academy is understandable, since Sabrina graduated at the end of the movie). Wikipedia says Chloe has moved away, and Gem attends a private school far from Greendale, but I recently watched all 26 episodes for the first time on Netflix, and I swear none of the Animated Series characters were ever mentioned.

Sabrina now has a new best friend, Maritza (Vanessa Tomasino), who looks just like Chloe. She’s black or Hispanic and has…some kind of accent.

Bill Switzer returns as Harvey from The Animated Series. Salem is now voiced by Maurice LaMarche, and it’s a huge improvement over his “Friends Forever” voice. Hilda and Zelda’s voice actors return from “Friends Forever”.

Sabrina attends witch class, accessed through a door in the basement of Greendale High School. Two of her regular school teachers (Ms. Magrooney and the pointy-eared Mr. Snipe) also teach her witch class. Her sole classmate is fellow witch and enemy, Cassandra (Tifanie Christun, credited as Tifanie Chaney), the niece of Enchantra (Jane Mortifee, returning from “Friends Forever”). Cassandra looks like Portia from “Friends Forever” and is rich like her, but she has a new voice actor, and her hair is a darker shade of brown. She’s basically a magical replacement for Gem Stone. Wikipedia says Cassandra used to be Sabrina’s best friend, but I don’t recall hearing that in the series. They do become best friends in the final episode, though.

The series never received a DVD release, but it’s available on Netflix and Amazon Video, so I suggest you check it out. It’s my favorite animated incarnation of Sabrina and possibly my favorite incarnation overall. Despite shitty continuity between incarnations, “Sabrina’s Secret Life” is meant to be one phase of the 1999-2004 Sabrina animated continuity, and it’s certainly the best part. That’s why I’m reviewing an episode of this series.

One episode, “Lather, Rinse, Repent”, was included as a bonus episode on disc 2 of “Archie’s Weird Mysteries”. It’s not my favorite episode (that would be the series finale), but every episode is good. Obviously, it’s the one that I’ll be reviewing.

Writer: Hans Lukas
Director: Pascal Gaugry
Original Air Date: Monday, December 1, 2003
Length: 21:13

The theme song is pretty catchy. It runs 45 seconds. I wish I knew who sang it (as well as the “lalala” music throughout the series). It’s very pleasant to listen to, kind of like the music on “Gilmore Girls”. The music for the series was written by Jean-Michel Guirao, who cowrote the music for “Archie’s Weird Mysteries”. Speaking of that, Mike Piccirillo, who wrote the theme song for that series, has an “English Lyrics Music Consultant” credit for this series, whatever that means (IMDb says he flat-out wrote the music). The sequence is comprised of shots from various episodes.

SSL-07-01-series-titleSSL-07-02-titleSSL-07-03-MaritzaThe episode opens with Maritza telling Sabrina to hurry the fuck up in the restroom, because they’ll be late for math. Sabrina says her hair is a “disaster”. Maritza calls her vain and asks how bad it could be.

SSL-07-04-Sabrina-hairMaritza yucks it up. Sabrina yells at her and goes back into the restroom. Maritza apologizes and goes into the restroom, claiming she can fix it.

SSL-07-05-Sabrina-howWhy is there a row of lockers in the girls’ restroom? I get it’s in a hallway outside the gym, but that doesn’t make it a locker room.

Maritza begins the painful (for Sabrina) work of fixing Sabrina’s hair.

SSL-07-06-door-transitionThe series has fun with “magical” scene transitions, which were also done in “Friends Forever”.

SSL-07-07-Sabrina-hairHahahahahaha.

Sabrina takes care to avoid detection. To what end? She has to go to math class anyway.

SSL-07-08-Sabrina-hair-downSabrina’s hair is so strong that it slams Harvey’s locker door on him, and the door is so strong that it causes both of Sabrina’s pigtails to…drop. Huh?

SSL-07-09-Harvey-bookSSL-07-10-Sabrina-HarveySabrina steals Harvey’s book to cover the top of her head (never mind her pigtails). Fortunately for her, Harvey is a dumbass and thinks she’s reading in a weird way.

SSL-07-11-Sabrina-madSabrina claims her hair looks awful, and she doesn’t want Harvey to see it.

SSL-07-12-Sabrina-HarveySeen here: hair.

Anyway, Harvey wants to see the hair that he apparently can’t see right now.

SSL-07-13-Sabrina-hair-upAfter encouragement from Maritza, Sabrina takes off the book, and her pigtails shoot straight up. Why?

Harvey says Sabrina looks great and lectures her about obsessing about her looks. He guesses vanity is a sin “or something”. Sabrina asks him if she really looks okay.

SSL-07-14-Harvey-tearHarvey says she looks just like his old Cocker Spaniel. He wipes away a tear as he declares he loved her.

SSL-07-15-Sabrina-mad“Asshole, I don’t give a shit about your dead fucking dog.”

SSL-07-16-Sabrina-drops-bookThat’s what happens, man.

Harvey angrily asks if he said something wrong, and Maritza angrily walks past him without explaining.

SSL-07-17-Sabrina-boyA boy walks past Sabrina, whistling. As he does so, Sabrina steals his cap from his pocket.

SSL-07-18-dragon-transition-1SSL-07-19-dragon-transition-2My favorite scene transition is when the little dragon walks into the shot and fills the screen with fire.

SSL-07-20-Sabrina-Maritza-sneakSabrina and Maritza sneak into math class.

SSL-07-21-Maritza-Sabrina-winkDespite the fact that Mr. Snipe turns around before they sit down, they think they’ve gotten away with it.

SSL-07-22-SnipeMr. Snipe brings up only the fact that Sabrina is violating the dress code by wearing a hat in class.

SSL-07-23-Sabrina-booksSabrina completely ignores him with a smile and opens a book. Damn, girl.

SSL-07-24-Sabrina-hairSSL-07-25-Snipe-capMr. Snipe presses her on the issue. Before Sabrina can remove the cap on her own, her super-afro does it for her.

SSL-07-26-class-laughsThe (incredibly small) class laughs at her. Seriously, what kind of high school math class has only six people in it?

SSL-07-27-hat-transition-1SSL-07-28-hat-transition-2SSL-07-29-full-moonSSL-07-30-GreendaleSSL-07-31-Spellman-houseSSL-07-32-Zelda-washes-SabrinaSSL-07-33-Zelda-SabrinaThat evening, during the full moon, Zelda washes Sabrina’s hair.

SSL-07-34-Hilda-ZeldaHilda brings by another formula to try, despite the fact that the one that Zelda just tried hasn’t been proven ineffective yet.

SSL-07-35-Hilda-1The three of them bicker for a while. Hilda tosses her mixing spoon away and hits Salem (off-screen).

SSL-07-36-Hilda-2SSL-07-37-Hilda-3SSL-07-38-Hilda-4SSL-07-39-Hilda-5She totally doesn’t apologize and even gets some enjoyment out of it.

SSL-07-40-Sabrina-green-hairYeah, Hilda’s latest shampoo doesn’t work either.

SSL-07-41-Sabrina-reflection-madSSL-07-42-Sabrina-reflection-surprisedFor some reason, Sabrina’s angry before she looks in the mirror but not after.

SSL-07-43-Salem-transitionSSL-07-44-TVSSL-07-45-TV-SalemSSL-07-46-Salem-bedLater, Salem is watching something on Sabrina’s computer. I’m guessing it’s either a DVD or downloaded video, because YouTube and streaming series didn’t exist yet.

SSL-07-47-Sabrina-walks-inSSL-07-48-Sabrina-wants-answersSSL-07-49-Sabrina-pissedSabrina comes in, demanding some fucking answers about “Madame Medusa’s Tress Tamer”. Amusingly, the way that she pronounces it, it sounds like Sabrina is saying “Ma-damn Medusa”.

They argue for a bit, and Salem finally tells her to look on page 743 of her spell book.

Okay, let’s stop for a moment. Was an entire reference removed from the previous scene that would shed some light on whatever the fuck Sabrina’s talking about?

SSL-07-50-Sabrina-evilA brief look of evil intentions

Sabrina is surprised to learn it’s magic. What? The spell book? She doesn’t know? How could she not know? Or is she referring to the Tress Tamer?

Oh, and Salem is holding a remote control for some reason, despite clearly watching a computer monitor – unless Sabrina is using a television set as a computer monitor.

SSL-07-51-spell-bookSalem reminds Sabrina of a “minor rule”: no using magic at mortal school for personal gain. Gah, fuck you, personal gain rule. I’ve had enough of you from “Charmed”.

Sabrina reads a spell.

SSL-07-52-salesmanIt makes her computer/TV tune into a witchy shopping network.

SSL-07-53-Sabrina-bottleSabrina is given a bottle of Madame Medusa’s Tress Tamer and warned to avoid water (on any part of her body) at all cost, because it’ll make it stop working forever.

SSL-07-54-pink-transitionSSL-07-55-Greendale-High-SchoolSSL-07-56-Sabrina-usesThe next day, at school, Sabrina checks to make sure that no one else is in the girls’ locker room and then uses the Tress Tamer, despite the fact that her hair had been straightened out naturally last night. Her hair absorbs it.

SSL-07-57-Medusa-hairSabrina smells something burning.

SSL-07-58-smokeShe realizes it’s her.

SSL-07-59-sunSSL-07-60-boys-aweSSL-07-61-girls-aweSSL-07-62-Maritza-complimentsAfter the commercial break, boys and girls alike are in awe of…

SSL-07-63-Sabrina…Sabrina’s completely normal hair.

SSL-07-64-Cassandra-upsetHijinks ensue. Cassandra is upset that her besties are complimenting Sabrina’s hair.

SSL-07-65-Sabrina-hairThere’s a harp sound effect and everything.

SSL-07-66-Cassandra-pissedCassandra doesn’t take it well.

SSL-07-67-mice-transitionSSL-07-68-Sabrina-boysLater, Sabrina is a hit with the boys.

SSL-07-69-boy-trashWell, most of them.

Sabrina sits at a table and lets her hair flow (complete with harp sound effect), making the boys in awe of her again.

SSL-07-70-Sabrina-meHarvey wants to take a picture of Sabrina, and she’s all full of herself over it but “acting” humble.

SSL-07-71-groupMaritza explains the yearbook staff voted Sabrina best hair of the year and best hair ever. Holy shit, the yearbook staff?! Are you serious?! That makes it, like, official!

SSL-07-72-Cassandra-bestiesAnyway, Cassandra and her besties don’t like it.

SSL-07-73-Cassandra-growlsCassandra even growls. Growls, I tell you!

Anyway, time for a photo montage!

SSL-07-74-picture-1SSL-07-75-picture-2SSL-07-76-picture-3SSL-07-77-picture-4What the fuck?! Did Sabrina just reveal her powers in front of everyone?! (Yes, this does indeed go completely unaddressed.)

SSL-07-78-picture-5SSL-07-79-Cassandra-throwsCassandra is so pissed that she steals a guy’s meal and throws it at Sabrina. Harvey tries to warn her, but…

SSL-07-80-Sabrina-splatThis earns her a round of gasps from her adoring fans. Cassandra initially doesn’t even fucking care and just walks away, but then she gets curious and runs back toward the crowd. Sabrina is grossed out by the mess but then shakes it off, and her hair magically returns to being gorgeous, which earns her a round of applause from her adoring fans.

SSL-07-81-Cassandra-pissedCassandra takes it about as well as you’d expect.

SSL-07-82-Sabrina-basksSabrina basks in adoration.

SSL-07-83-girls-aweSSL-07-84-servantsSabrina’s reign of awesomeness continues.

SSL-07-85-Harvey-clothesHowever, it’s definitely gone to her head. She won’t even acknowledge Harvey when he greets her. By the way, Harvey calls her “Brina”, which is a bit weird. I guess I’m used to “Bri” being short for Sabrina (on “Charlie’s Angels”).

SSL-07-86-birdSSL-07-87-girls-trackSome time later, Sabrina and three other girls are running track.

SSL-07-88-Sabrina-waterA sprinkler turns on. Despite Sabrina clearly coming into contact with water, we’re supposed to pretend she doesn’t.

SSL-07-89-Sabrina-shovesShe turns and runs away, shoving the other girls to the pavement, because she’s a bitch.

SSL-07-90-girls-wetSSL-07-91-Sabrina-hairSSL-07-92-Sabrina-cutsAt the movie theater, Sabrina uses the power of awesome hair to cut to the front of the line.

SSL-07-93-Sabrina-wavesShe waves goodbye to Maritza, like “The fuck with you”, and just goes inside, because she’s a bitch.

SSL-07-94-Cassandra-spiesBack at school (the next day, I guess), Cassandra spies and sees Sabrina using the magic ‘poo (as I like to call it).

SSL-07-95-Sabrina-HarveyAt lunch (on…some day), Harvey is grossed out by a dirty (and probably stinky) Sabrina.

SSL-07-96-broom-transitionSSL-07-97-Aunts-masksEven her aunts can’t stand the stench (and can’t eat either). Why don’t they ask Sabrina what’s up?

SSL-07-98-Cassandra-spiesBack at school, Cassandra continues spying on Sabrina.

Maritza calls Sabrina, and Sabrina nervously tosses the bottle to her bag before Maritza enters, but the bottle bounces off and falls on the floor.

Maritza wants Sabrina to be her “buddy” for a make-up swim test. Sabrina declines, citing her reasons, and Maritza gets upset at her and leaves. Sabrina goes after her, offering to help with a “stalker test” or bowling. What in the actual fuck?

SSL-07-99-Cassandra-bottleAfter they leave, Cassandra comes out of hiding and finds the bottle. She hears a door slam and hides again.

SSL-07-100-Sabrina-hairSabrina returns, lovingly strokes her hair (what else could she be doing?), and picks up her bag. Cassandra comes out of hiding with no indication that Sabrina had left (the shot was either never animated or cut).

SSL-07-101-Salem-breathesThat night, Salem opens the window, because he can’t breathe.

SSL-07-102-Sabrina-fliesWhy are the aunts putting up with this bullshit? Also, why are flies attracted to Sabrina? I’ve gone a few days without showering while I’m sick, and I’ve never had flies attracted to me. Then again, I’ve never really done anything to get very dirty, and I at least washed my hands after using the restroom. Great. Now, I’m imagining Sabrina taking a shit, wiping her ass, getting some on her fingers, and then eating a sandwich.

Salem and Sabrina argue. Sabrina searches her bag for the bottle and only now realizes she doesn’t have it. I find it hard to believe Sabrina went the rest of the school day without trying to use it.

SSL-07-103-witch-hatsSalem is sarcastic about the situation but gets out of there (leaving behind a bunch of…little witch hats) when Sabrina puts on her angry face and stands up.

SSL-07-104-bat-transition-1SSL-07-105-bat-transition-2SSL-07-106-Sabrina-hitLater that night, Sabrina is out looking for her magic ‘poo, nowhere near school, and gets hit in the head by the bottle.

SSL-07-107-limoSabrina recognizes Cassandra’s limo.

SSL-07-108-Sabrina-Cassandra-limoWhen the limo stops at a red light, Sabrina barges in and confronts Cassandra. How big of an idiot do you have to be to keep your limo door unlocked on a public street?

SSL-07-109-Cassandra-ew“You reek, bitch. Get the fuck out.”

Anyway, Cassandra insults Sabrina. She didn’t use the magic ‘poo herself but won’t say what she did with it. Sabrina nervously guesses she gave it to mortals. Cassandra basically admits it but doesn’t see the big deal.

SSL-07-110-bestie-1SSL-07-111-bestie-2Yeah, Cassandra gave the magic ‘poo to her two besties…in a vial…for whatever reason. Maybe the bottle gave away that it was magic? Anyway, Cassandra’s besties are named Tiffany and Margo, though I don’t know which is which, and Wikipedia and IMDb aren’t any help. They’re basically just minor characters that hang around the resident popular girl, such as What’s Her Name and Um Yeah in the live-action series. At least Fran and Freddie were somewhat developed by comparison. Anyway, Asian!Bestie has a Valley Girl accent and uses “like” as a verbal pause. Of course.

Oh, and “crunchy” and “chewy” are apparently mid-2000s slang for “awesome”. I guess.

SSL-07-112-werewolf-1SSL-07-113-werewolf-2The magic ‘poo transforms them into werewolves. Of course. It also provides them with larger versions of their clothes, so they won’t be naked as werewolves.

SSL-07-114-house-full-moonSSL-07-115-Cassandra-Sabrina-houseAfter the commercial break, the limo drops Cassandra and Sabrina off at…whoever’s house. Sabrina is in a hurry, but Cassandra still doesn’t see the big deal. Sabrina points out the fine print on the bottle: it has the “opposite” effect on mortals. Cassandra doesn’t understand what that means.

SSL-07-116-werewolvesIt’s that, apparently. Wouldn’t the “opposite” mean it just messes up your hair?

SSL-07-117-werewolves-full-moonWait, so does the full moon have something to do with it or not?

SSL-07-118-Sabrina-Cassandra-groundThis somehow causes Sabrina and Cassandra to fall flat on their asses. Also, Sabrina drops the bottle for whatever reason.

SSL-07-119-Cassandra-amusedAfter the werewolves leave, Cassandra amusingly points out the logical flaw in this absurd situation. Sabrina tells her to tell Madame Medusa. So why was Sabrina convinced something bad was going to happen?

SSL-07-120-girls-garbageLater, the girls come across an overturned garbage can. Sabrina complains about the “nasty” smell of the garbage, but Cassandra says it smells better than her, which upsets Sabrina. They hear howls.

SSL-07-121-mallSSL-07-122-Cassandra-explainsLater, Cassandra takes Sabrina to the mall, explaining the werewolves are Tiffany and Margo.

SSL-07-123-werewolvesSure enough, the werewolves have shoplifted from the mall.

SSL-07-124-CassandraCassandra has an “Aaawww” moment when she says Tiff’s been wanting those jeans forever (it’s still unclear who’s who). That’s pretty cute.

The werewolves fight over a piece of clothing and tear it in two.

SSL-07-125-baitSSL-07-126-girls-bushesLater (after the use of a normal fade), Cassandra is sorrowfully using “such a cute top” as werewolf bait. The girls duck as a werewolf approaches, and little witch hats can be seen above their heads briefly. Is this a visual gag that the series uses whenever someone gets out of view quickly?

A werewolf comes by and sniffs the top, and Cassandra can’t tell who it is. She really hopes it’s Tiffany, because she’s got “much better taste” than Margo.

SSL-07-127-girls-werewolfMargo has overheard, though, and Cassandra apologizes. Okay, Margo’s the Asian one with the glasses, which means Tiffany is the black one. Anyway, Cassandra casually insults Margo’s outfit from yesterday. Wow, she’s being awfully calm in this situation. Even Sabrina’s not reacting much.

SSL-07-128-werewolf-caughtSSL-07-129-Sabrina-pullsAnyway, Tiffany steps into the rope like a dumbass and grabs the top. Sabrina traps her foot in the rope and pulls. That was incredibly fortunate. But what, exactly, is the plan? Tiffany pulls Sabrina away, and then Cassandra runs away from Margo. A big chase ensues. Sabrina yells to Cassandra for help, but Cassandra is wary of endangering her own life. Sabrina yells at Cassandra to go right.

SSL-07-130-Cassandra-jumps-ropeCassandra does so by jumping over the rope. As Margo approaches, Sabrina lets go of the rope, which wraps around Margo’s feet. The weight pulls Tiffany and Margo toward each other (because a rope is totally that strong and wouldn’t break or anything).

SSL-07-131-Sabrina-werewolvesSabrina gets up, shakes her hair head, and casually observes the tangled-up werewolves.

SSL-07-132-Cassandra-upsetCassandra is upset that Sabrina’s hair still looks great. Sabrina’s starting to wonder if it’s worth it.

Cassandra again insults Margo’s outfit from yesterday, and Margo tries to bite her. The werewolves howl, and Sabrina thinks she hears more werewolves but nervously laughs off the possibility.

SSL-07-133-Sabrina-fistThat’s when Cassandra admits she did a very bad thing in the name of being “funny”. I love how Sabrina’s clenched fist shakes in anger/nervousness during Cassandra’s confession.

SSL-07-134-Cassandra-sighs“Fuuuuuuck, you’re really not gonna like this, but I gave the magic ‘poo to more people. You’re gonna have to wait until after the commercial break to find out exactly how many, though.”

SSL-07-135-girls-werewolvesAfter the commercial break, more werewolves show up. Sabrina wishes for her broom.

SSL-07-136-Salem-broom-moonSalem shows up, having followed her smell.

SSL-07-137-girls-Salem-werewolvesThis initially doesn’t seem to do any good (or maybe the characters are just slow-witted dumbasses), but then Sabrina grabs hold of the broom and tells Cassandra to get on. Cassandra refuses, because Salem isn’t her kind of pussy. Salem reminds her of one simple fact:

SSL-07-138-Cassandra-werewolves“Om-nom-nom-nom!”

This convinces Cassandra to go along with them, but first she has to tell them to wait, because they were already in the process of leaving her to a grisly fate.

Cassandra’s happy that they made it, but Sabrina says they can’t leave their friends as werewolves.

SSL-07-139-broom-rideSabrina brings her broom to a screeching halt and decides they’re gonna swoop down and get the werewolves to chase them. Cassandra thinks Sabrina’s fucking insane.

SSL-07-140-Cassandra-werewolves“Fresh meat! Come and get it!”

SSL-07-141-Sabrina-fliesThe plan works. Sabrina declares they’re going to the high school and tells someone (Salem and Cassandra? the broom?) to not lose the werewolves.

SSL-07-142-Sabrina-wavesSabrina, not wanting to lose the werewolves, logically flies over the school and lands on the football field. She then sends Salem home, because escape plans are for pussies.

SSL-07-143-Cassandra-Sabrina-fieldCassandra doesn’t think highly of Sabrina’s plan.

SSL-07-144-Sabrina-smilesSabrina hears the howls and is pleased, though.

The werewolves come out of the school (why’d they bother going through the school in the first place) and onto the field. Cassandra is worried as to whether Sabrina actually has a plan or not, but Sabrina says she does.

SSL-07-145-girls-sprinklersCan you guess what it is?

SSL-07-146-Sabrina-checks-timeSSL-07-147-sprinklersSSL-07-148-water-transitionA water transition splash on the screen saves the animators from having to animate a de-transformation sequence.

Okay, so let’s talk about this plan. It’s bullshit. Just because Sabrina saw the sprinklers turn on during the day doesn’t mean she’ll know when they turn on at night, and it also doesn’t mean the sprinklers were working on a timer. In short, Sabrina got damn lucky. Since she’d sent Salem off with her broom, she and Cassandra would be fucking dead by now if those sprinklers didn’t come on.

SSL-07-149-confused-kidsSSL-07-150-Cassandra-moonAnyway, as you can imagine, the kids are hella confused, so Sabrina explain they were “all sleepwalking”, which is such bullshit, but Cassandra backs her up, blaming it on the full moon and calling it “weird”.

So did the moon have anything to do with the ridiculous werewolf transformations or not?

SSL-07-151-Sabrina-wetMaritza feels bad for Sabrina’s ruined hair, but it’s no big deal to Sabrina. Harvey likes her hair this way, because it reminds him of his Cocker Spaniel. Sabrina suddenly seems genuinely pleased at the comparison and thanks him. That’s not what I would have done. My reaction would have been more like…

SSL-07-152-Cassandra-upsetYeah, that.

SSL-07-153-Maritza-CassandraSabrina asks Maritza how her swim test went. Maritza says she’s doing it tomorrow; she couldn’t find a buddy. Sabrina offers to be Maritza’s buddy if she wants. Maritza gladly accepts and even invites Sabrina over, so they can finish their homework together. Sabrina declines, feeling an intense need to go home and take a shower. I guess she’ll be walking home, soaking wet. Why the fuck did she send Salem and her broom away?

SSL-07-154-circle.jpgThe end credits use footage from various episodes and an instrumental version of the opening theme.

SSL-07-155-creditsSSL-07-156-LSTSSL-07-157-DiCSo that’s an episode of “Sabrina’s Secret Life”. Numerous what-the-fuck moments aside, it really is a good series, and it’s enjoyable regardless of these script problems. This particular episode is pretty good, though I need to point out that this is the one time when Cassandra’s frequent nickname for Sabrina, Smellman, would have fit perfectly, yet she didn’t use it. What the fuck?

Let’s talk Sabrina/Cassandra. I ship them. Besides that, though, it’s clear to me that Sabrina and Cassandra are meant to become best friends. Cassandra is featured more often than Maritza in the credits (particularly the end credits) and has much more screen time throughout the series than Maritza does. Cassandra is essentially the second main character. At least, she’s the strongest supporting character. She’s also not entirely bad. Yeah, she did something stupid in this episode, but she didn’t intend any malice. Over the course of the series, Sabrina seems to be responsible for the trouble as much as – or more than – Cassandra. Cassandra also has little nice moments, such as in this episode when she stuck around and waited to see how Sabrina and Maritza’s friendship was going to turn out. It’s the combination of rivalry and cooperation that makes the Sabrina/Cassandra relationship so interesting. When they finally become best friends in the final episode, you really believe it.

I’m sorry that there was no review last week and for the lateness of this week’s review. My work schedule is horrible. I often have to go to bed early, and I usually try to watch something before that. On top of that, I’m addicted to YouTube videos (particularly fan reactions to episodes of “Supergirl” and “Riverdale”), and I also read other episode-review blogs. Oh, and my computer was acting weird on Tuesday to the point that I thought I’d have to take it in to the shop (I fixed the problem on my own), so I lost a day’s worth of work there. Please bear with me. I have one more Sabrina series to look at as well as the Josie movie, but I think I’ll be sticking to “The New Archies” and “Archie’s Weird Mysteries” for the foreseeable future, depending on my work schedule.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

One thought on “Sabrina’s Secret Life, Episode 07 – Rather, Rinse, Repent”

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