The New Archies, Segment 06 – Sir Jughead Jones

Writer: Kimmer Ringwald
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, September 26, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:20

Miss Grundy’s class is on a field trip to the museum. She points out a 2,000-year-old, $1,000,000 vase (which, of course, has no security around it).

Jughead makes a dumb joke, and he and Archie yuck it up.

Reggie acts all sophisticated and shit and criticizes them.

Veronica claims they have three or four of these vases at home; her daddy uses them for trash cans.

Veronica accidentally tips the vase over, and they get out of there. A security guard notices, rushes over, and catches it.

He then decides to undust it. Guess what happens.

Close. The force of his own sneeze knocks him back…somehow. He collides with the students and knocks them back. Then he’s launched forward, hits the pedestal, and tries to catch the vase for a bit; it eventually falls on the floor and shatters.

This causes Dr. Wily to flip his shit and try to take over the world again.

Nah, this is some dude associated with the museum and/or vase (they don’t say). He declares his life is over, but Veronica tells him to quit his fucking whining and assures him that she’s all right. Hehehe, okay, that was pretty funny. Not funny if the dude ends up killing himself but, y’know, funny for now.

Later, Miss Grundy presents “the famous Gugenstein collection”.

Betty appreciates it. Veronica doesn’t. Betty wants to own just one of these multi-thousand-dollar paintings. Veronica says her daddy bought a truckful of them; they use them for wallpaper. Betty is irritated at Veronica. Jughead makes another dumb joke. Betty likes it. Veronica doesn’t and walks away. Reggie sides Veronica and criticizes the lower-class dumbasses. Jughead makes yet another dumb joke, but, at least this time, the others groan at it (in addition to laughing).

Reggie walks over to Veronica and tries to compare himself favorably to her, calling the others “all peasants”. He notices the portrait that Veronica’s looking at:

Yeah, it turns out that Jughead is descended from nobility, and his noble ancestor just happened to have his name. How has this never been discovered before?!

Veronica and Reggie immediately decide to become really close to Jughead, because he might be “heir to the Jones family fortune”. Yeah, this is the contrived plot that they’re going with this time.

Time for a daydream sequence, courtesy of Veronica:

…and Reggie (much to Veronica’s irritation). Okay, that’s kinda funny.

Anyway, Veronica and Reggie agree to team up to become Jughead’s new best friends in order to benefit from his supposed wealth that they don’t even know exists.

These characters are behaving more like elementary students than junior high students.

Veronica is gonna call her daddy, whose lawyers will find out if Jughead is related to the viscount that shares his name and looks just like him. Why not find out if he really has a fortune, dumbass?

Reggie decides to hide the portrait, so the others won’t see it and want in on the fortune. Veronica believes sharing money is a “disgusting idea”.

Reggie covers the portrait with a cover that had been over a chair for whatever reason. I guess he assumes no one will uncover the portrait before the class leaves the museum.

And apparently they don’t. Huh.

Through Veronica’s doing, Mr. Lodge buys every piece of art in the gallery and sends a moving van (apparently from his own moving company) to the museum to pick it up. Naturally, the van is parked right behind the (unmarked) school bus.

Anyway, this leads to Dr. Wily cutting the field trip short and kicking them out.

Cute. 🙂

Back at Riverdale Junior High, Veronica and Reggie suck up to “Juggie”.

Archie and Betty are going to Pop’s after school for pizza and invite Jughead to come along, but “Juggie” is coming to tea at Veronica’s mansion after school.

At the Lodge mansion, Veronica shows Jughead the portrait. Jughead exclaims “Wow! Dig this!” I distinctly remember a commercial for “The New Archies” (I believe on The Family Channel in the early 1990s) in which this line was dubbed over footage of Jughead messing with the spaceship in “The Visitor“. Just an interesting choice of editing that I thought I’d point out.

Veronica reveals her daddy’s lawyers traced Jughead’s family, confirming Jughead is related to the guy that looks exactly like him and has his name (the twists and turns that this story takes…). She says he’s the heir to “the Jones family fortune and title”. Jughead asks what he does now. Veronica summons Smithers.

Veronica gives Jughead a jacket as the first step in getting him ready for his “new circle of friends”. Jughead says he’s “already got a bunch of good friends”, but Veronica and Reggie won’t have it.

Oh, no, she didn’t!

Veronica gives Jughead a new hat.

Reggie gives him a scarf and uses the opportunity to cop a feel. Veronica calls Jughead “Juggiekins”. *vomits* She then actually bows to him and dubs him “Sir Jughead Jones”. Why not Forsythe?

Jughead’s impressed with this for whatever reason.

Veronica tries to get Jughead to act all sophisticated and shit, but he gives her “some skin”.

After some banter, Veronica allows Reggie, the “much bigger snob” (yeah, right), to teach Jughead how to be a snob.

At a baseball game, Jughead’s already acting snobby, and Archie’s getting sick of this shit.

The things that Veronica will do for (more) money…

Jughead then rejects all of her bats and takes another one. Veronica drops the bats in frustration.

Jughead gets Reggie to undust his shoe.

Betty pitches.

Jughead hits the ball and then summons Smithers to run the bases for him, which is illegal, but the show never addresses it.

Smithers, who isn’t exactly in the best of shape, dives for home, creating a dust cloud, and is tagged out by Archie. Jughead disputes it, and Archie calls him out on his latest bullshit.

Side note: during this argument, the animators went the extra mile and had Smithers gasping for breath.

“Sir Jughead Jones” leaves with Veronica and “Reginald”, leaving “Archibald” to his “uncivilized” game.

Later, Jughead is playing croquet with a rich, snobby Archie clone named Winthrop.

Jughead summons “Reginald” to carry him to his ball. Even Winthrop is surprised at this level of snobbery.

For some reason, Archie, Betty, and Eugene have come to watch this game. Eugene states the obvious.

Reggie fetches a chair, so Jughead can sit.

Jughead has Veronica bring him some lemonade, and Reggie’s just about had enough of this bullshit. Veronica agrees but reminds him that Jughead’s family fortune is arriving today, so they’ve gotta kiss his ass.

As if on cue, a limousine arrives, and Veronica somehow knows it’s carrying the Jones family fortune. The stuffy, rich dude is (get this) Horace T. Silverspoon, Esquire. He officially announces the fortune of Viscount Forsythe P. Jones now belongs to his heir, and he uses Jughead’s nickname instead of his legal name.

Jughead gets the viscount’s crown and bag of marbles.

All of the actual valuables are gone, because the viscount spent all of his fortune buying “beanie weenies” for the peasants.

Also, royalty turned their backs on the viscount for “behavior unbecoming a member of the upper crust”.

Somehow, none of this information was uncovered beforehand.

Anyway, Winthrop claims he knew Jughead was full of shit all along and leaves.

Veronica and Reggie are pissed. Veronica takes back her fancy shit (except the jacket, which Reggie takes, though presumably he’ll give it to Veronica). They leave, and the departing limo blows exhaust in Jughead’s face, sending him into a coughing fit.

Jughead is sad, but Archie and Betty come by, and Archie asks him if he’s okay. Jughead admits he was an asshole.

Betty doesn’t exactly agree, but she doesn’t exactly dispute it either.

Jughead wishes he’d realized being Jughead is just fine earlier.

Archie crowns Jughead with his old crown (I guess), which he got from Veronica (I guess).

Betty and Archie take Jughead to Pop’s for a burger. Jughead guesses, with pals like them, he’s a rich guy after all. They all have a laugh over this “joke” (which really didn’t seem like a joke, but whatever).

This segment was okay. It was mildly entertaining. However, like all of these segments, it “works” only due to a jump to conclusions and a lack of information.

Tune in next Wednesday!


Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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