The New Archies, Segment 08 – Jughead Predicts

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

Writer: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 3, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:20

The guys are playing soccer.

Well, except Jughead, naturally. How does he not get in trouble for this?

Betty is into horoscopes and asks Jughead for his sign. I could go into detail about how newspaper horoscopes are bogus, and true astrology goes much deeper than a short piece of advice based on your “sign” (meaning your sun sign), but let’s just move along.

Anyway, Jughead makes a joke and takes another burger out of his gym shorts (at least, it’s wrapped) and starts eating it.

Betty laughs (not necessarily at Jughead’s joke) and entertains herself with the newspaper’s horoscope. She assumes Jughead isn’t a Capricorn; Capricorns are “supposed to watch for flying objects today”.

Who didn’t see that coming?

Archie asks “Juggie” if he’s okay and uses the scent of the burger to bring Jughead back to normal. (Kudos for the slightly weird/mystical music playing.)

The rest of the team belatedly shows up, showing “concern” for Jughead.

Jughead says he saw “this kind of picture” of Mr. Weatherbee when he closed his eyes.

Ethel belatedly comes by, showing “concern” for Jughead.

Jughead explains Mr. Weatherbee was “sort of floating on a big, soft thing”.

Ethel picks Jughead up and carries him, ostensibly out of concern, but we really know it’s just so she’ll have an excuse to palm his ass.

Archie asks what Jughead means, and Jughead points at the basement window.

In the basement, Mr. Weatherbee declares to the audience himself that it’s time for the annual sprinkler system check (something that the school principal would totally do, I’m sure).

He hears water running and guesses the custodian (Mr. Svenson?) accidentally left it running when he went to lunch. He opens a door, and…

Yeah, no.

The kids find this cool. Then they realize Jughead’s vision came true. Ethel, Betty, and Moose take turns touching Jughead’s head and let him know he’s a psychic (or, as Moose puts it, a psycho).

Jughead finishes his burgers and complains he’s still hungry.

A crowd of kids gathers, and they all ask Jughead to predict stuff for them.

For fuck’s sake…

In Miss Grundy’s whatever class, she’s somehow trying to make a case for long division being a useful tool for solving word problems. Yeah, I don’t fucking know. Even the class lets out a collective groan. By the way, the answer to the bottom problem is 1892973.

Reggie questions Jughead about his report card (because he thinks Miss Grundy is gonna flunk him), but Jughead’s asleep.

Miss Grundy comes over and tells “Reginald” to stop bothering Jughead while he’s “studying”. How does she not see he’s asleep?!

As if in a trance, Jughead stands and declares “Tomorrow, Veronica will be…the sweetest girl in class. So I have spoken! So it will be.”

Naturally, Veronica is happy to hear this.

Then Jughead sits down, admits he added that last part himself, and asks Veronica if she liked it. Students laugh, so Veronica swears to Miss Grundy that she had nothing to do with this. She then blows a kiss to Jughead and thanks him, adding she’ll wear her best dress tomorrow.

The next day, the class takes a field trip to Riverdale Candy Company.

Veronica, for whatever reason, is eager for a closer look at the bon bon dipping machine and pushes her way past everyone, annoying Archie, who takes issue with Jughead’s prediction. Jughead’s like “Whatevs.”

The tour guide cautions Veronica, but…

Reggie needlessly exposits about how Jughead’s prediction came true, because kids are dumbasses, amirite?

Later, Veronica boards the school bus, having not been cleaned off in the slightest. C’mon! They could have let her use the factory’s restroom!

Jughead explains to Archie about how he had a vision of Veronica looking like that. So why didn’t he fucking say that earlier?

Anyway, the others are amazed.

Veronica threatens Jughead. Amazing how her sunglasses got really clean. Are they the one thing that she insisted on cleaning?

Reggie begs Jughead for a prediction about his report card.

He even buys Jughead lunch. Why aren’t they at school?

Unfortunately, the others find Jughead at Pop’s and pester him. Veronica’s pissed. Archie’s surprised. Reggie’s like “Fuck off, assholes.” Jughead’s like “I ain’t doin’ this shit no more.”

Veronica gives Jughead the cleaning bill for her dress.

Jughead suddenly goes into a trance mid-sentence, and everyone hopes Jughead will predict something about them. Reggie even tries to force Jughead to point at him.

Then Jughead points out the door and says “Beware the bad-news beast that will interrupt the feast.” Afterwards, he admits he added the rhyme and asks if it was a nice touch. Sheesh, Jughead sounds like Trump. Only smarter.

Everyone wonders what Jughead’s prediction means. Jughead says he doesn’t explain that (although that doesn’t mean he can’t).

Oh, it’s just the paperboy throwing the (midday?) newspaper into the diner (for whatever fucking reason). It lands on the table and opens over Jughead’s lunch.

What the motherfuck? No. Just…no.

Also, who took these pictures?

Veronica leaves, upset. I don’t blame her.

Jughead’s upset over his ruined lunch (a newspaper can’t cause that much damage!). Meanwhile, Ethel invades Jughead’s personal space.

Reggie wants Jughead to predict his report card next, but Jughead just gets up and leaves with his lunch.

Archie chases after Jughead. Jughead can’t take it and wants to get rid of his “miraculous supernatural power”.

They suddenly simultaneously come up with an idea.

They go to the school’s soccer field, and Archie starts kicking balls at Jughead. I could make a joke here, but I’m above that.

For some reason, it’s very difficult for these two dumbasses to accomplish “Archie hits Jughead with a soccer ball”.

Reggie arrives, and…is it foggy or misty or something?

Anyway, Reggie tries to bribe Jughead with a bunch of free shit in exchange for a prediction, but Jughead ain’t having it.

Reggie then bounces a soccer ball on the ground, turns around, and bikes away. The soccer ball bounces off a tree and…

Jughead goes into a trance again and starts listing stuff that he sees, including Miss Grundy (who’s watering the flowers on school grounds – as teachers are known to do), someone dancing the tango inside the school, and a frog.

Somehow, this gives Reggie an idea to save his grades. He dumps all of the shit that he’d gotten for Jughead on the ground and tears off.

Archie asks Jughead if he’s okay. Jughead says he’s back to his “own spaced-out self again”. They yuck it up. I guess it really doesn’t take much to make these characters laugh.

Due to shitty animation, Jughead’s expression abruptly changes from this:

to this:

He and Archie run over and pick up the free shit.

The next day (I guess), in the auditorium, Miss Grundy is teaching tweens how to brush their teeth. Seriously. She even has a rhyme: “Up and down, all around. That’s the way we defray decay.” This feels more like an elementary school than a junior high school.

The students start to repeat the rhyme, but they burst out laughing when they see:

After being forced to tango for a while, Miss Grundy exposes “Reginald”, who immediately blames Jughead.

Miss Grundy reveals Reggie was in no danger of failing but adds he’ll pay for this.

We then immediately get this static shot of the auditorium, empty. Huh? It lasts for about five seconds before moving on to the next scene. If they wanted to waste time, they could have at least put all of the characters in there.

Later, Reggie is clapping erasers outside school and vows to get Jughead. The screen fills up with chalk dust. Ha.

Archie and Jughead ride by with the free shit. Archie says they have to drop the ball off (why’d they take it?) and asks something that I can’t understand. Jughead makes some dumb “prediction” about Veronica getting bitten on the foot by giant jaws. The two of them yuck it up. Archie tosses the soccer ball. It bounces off a tree and goes into the auditorium.

Veronica and Betty are goofing off in the auditorium after school for whatever reason. Why’d Miss Grundy leave her props here? Veronica has a laugh over Reggie in his frog outfit. Betty asks Veronica if she’s a Scorpio. Veronica says yes. Betty reads out her horoscope: “Beware being bitten on the foot today.” Veronica laughs and says that’s as dumb as Jughead’s predictions.


This segment was okay, I guess. Not bad but not particularly good either.

Tune in next Wednesday!

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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