Writer: Scott Anderson
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 10, 1987 (assumed)
We get a panning shot of kids having fun. An announcer welcomes them to the annual Riverdale school picnic. That’s it, just “Riverdale school”; he doesn’t specify which school.
Despite the welcome just occurring, Betty and Reggie are already in a race. Betty declares she’s gonna win. Reggie disputes that, but Betty re-asserts it.
Archie’s just relaxing.
Suddenly, he spots a kid about to drown and swims over and rescues him.
That abruptly ends before they come ashore and is replaced by another panning shot of kids having fun.
Eugene and Amani are boogeying down to generic, stereotypical 1950s rock and roll music (known to be loved by kids in the 1980s). It looks like she finally taught him how to dance.
Mr. Weatherbee compliments Miss Grundy on her dance moves. She says rock and roll is in her soul (seriously).
We suddenly cut back to the rescue. The mom rushes over, and her first action is to offer Archie a reward, because that’s what all mothers would do after nearly losing their children. Archie hands the kid over to her and does the honorable thing by declining the reward. Someone off-screen sighs and says “My hero”, and the three of them look to see who it is.
Oh, it’s just Ethel watching Jughead pig out.
Meanwhile, Smithers gets Veronica liquored up while she gets off on herself.
The race is still going on. They’re nearing the dock.
Suddenly, Betty turns into Supergirl or some shit and rows at an inhumanly fast speed to win the race, because that’s funny, amirite?
The unnamed coach gives Betty her trophy and congratulates her. Reggie claims he lost only because he hurt his arm. The onlookers laugh at him, not buying it.
Even Betty laughs at him.
The top of the left oar disappears for two frames. One thing that “The New Archies” will not be praised for is the quality of its animation.
The announcer tells all candidates for “picnic king and queen” to report to the dance pavilion at once.
Reggie and Betty row away from the dock to park their boats elsewhere, I guess.
Later, at the dance pavilion, to thunderous cheers (by DiC’s standards), Miss Grundy announces the nominees:
Couple #1: Archie and Veronica
Couple #2: Betty and Reggie
Miss Grundy only now notices the names of the third couple have been covered by mustard.
The guilty, fat fucker promises they’ll have it figured out in time for the coronation ceremonies. Miss Grundy wishes good luck to the couples, whoever they may be.
For some reason, this is cause for celebration.
Miss Grundy reminds them that every couple that has ever been named Riverdale Picnic King and Queen have gone on to be married. Whaaaaaat? Seriously, that’s some contrived bullshit. Even the couples don’t believe it.
Miss Grundy blushes and mentions one exception. Guess who.
Oh, never mind, a handy flashback shows us.
Back in the present, Mr. Weatherbee brings up the possibility of marriage “someday”. Miss Grundy is open to the possibility. How many decades has it been? What the fuck are you waiting for?!
Later, Archie sits down and ponders (in awe) the odd fact about the Riverdale Picnic King and Queen getting married.
Time for another daydream sequence!
In Archie’s imaginative future, he owns a business and sucks at punctuation (apparently taking after whichever idiot designed the above sign that can’t spell “Riverdale” right).
The business is a combination car wash / shoe shine station (because that’s totally still a thing) / diner / barber shop. Oh, and Archie’s still the same age for some reason.
There’s really no need for me to screencap all of this shit that doesn’t count for anything. Needless to say, he’s overworked and fucks everything up.
Anyway, he’s working his ass off, because his wife Veronica loves money. Yes, I realize this makes no sense whatsoever.
Back at the mansion, Archie drags in a large bag of money to satisfy Veronica.
Oh, and Veronica’s a lazy bitch.
I find it hard to believe Veronica hasn’t yet blown through all of this money or at least deposited it in the bank. I guess Archie doesn’t know Veronica very well.
Veronica demands more money. Then Archie’s daydream ends, and he suddenly hates the idea of being married to Veronica.
In her daydream, she and Archie live in a dump of an apartment and eat nothing but turnip soup. Interesting choice. Oh, and neither of them have aged, of course.
Archie has refused to get a real job in favor of “doing good deeds” and never taking the rewards. Surely, this is grounds for divorce.
Veronica rightly yells at him, and he reacts this way:
and this way:
Veronica reveals Archie never lets her dad give them any money, and then she whines about not having money.
Archie says they don’t need money, because doing good is all the reward that they’ll ever need. This repulses Veronica so much that she pulls her hand away from Archie between shots (or maybe it’s just shitty continuity, I dunno).
Veronica breaks down and cries.
Her daydream ends, and she declares being married to Archie is “a real poor idea”. Ha.
After the commercial break, it’s Reggie’s turn.
In his daydream, he and Betty live on a farm (still the same age) and have two identical twin daughters that look exactly like Betty. She won’t let him do any work. Reggie wants to work?!
Abruptly, Betty runs off like she’s Supergirl.
Betty feels like only she’s qualified to wrap hands around those sweet, sweet udders.
Reggie tries to prove her wrong.
The cow, wanting only Betty’s loving caress, kicks Reggie away. I love how his daughters don’t react at all.
After Betty quickly milks the cow (putting only a few squirts into each bucket), she runs over her husband, causing him additional pain.
Betty superhumanly chops an entire tree into a neat pile of wood.
Oh, and, apparently, she has identical triplets.
Reggie’s having trouble getting the tractor started, so Betty quickly fixes the problem and then tears off like a fucking maniac, leaving her husband in the dirt.
Reggie tries to hang a door, but it falls on him, so Betty, without checking on her husband, hammers the door into place (which I’m pretty sure is not how it’s done, but this is Reggie’s daydream, so whatever).
Oh, and Reggie’s literally been flattened (in that cartoony way), so Betty just picks him up and carries him off.
Two of the kids inform Reggie that Betty has the flu and is too sick to run the farm. This makes Reggie happy, because he finally has something to do.
Oh, I’m sorry, slight correction: Betty and Reggie have identical septuplets!
There’s a boring montage (which goes on for way too long) of farm work in which the kids are doing all of the work, and Reggie just stands around. The only thing of note is this moment when Reggie inexplicably tries to take a basket full of eggs away from one of his daughters (I guess he’s just really desperate for something to do):
That’s what happens, man.
The montage goes on…and on…and on. NOTHING’S HAPPENING EXCEPT REGGIE’S USELESS HUR-HUR-HUR.
Reggie concludes it’s not easy being married to Betty, his daydream ends, he screams about how he can’t do it, and…
We’re nine minutes into the story, and it’s finally time for Betty’s turn. Okay, Betty, show us what kind of nightmare future that you can think up.
Reggie is glad that he got the fake wood paneling up in time for their party.
Reggie’s bald and has to wear a toupée. Sheesh, Betty, you’re the only one that imagines anyone looking any different in “the future”, and this is what you do?
Reggie asks if his toupée is fake, and Betty agrees.
Betty offers Reggie an appetizer. She made his favorite: salami and cheddar cheese substitute. Is she thinking Reggie’s starting to have digestive problems in his old age?
Anyway, if my wife looked at me like that while offering me an “appetizer”, I’d politely decline and then run the fuck away.
Oh, all of the guests are fake, because Reggie won’t allow real guests, because he’s a self-professed “fake”. Their whole life is fake: fake plants, fake furs (Betty makes a drawn-out “Ohhhh” sound like she’s just now realizing what’s going on), and…
…fake kids. That’s kinda creepy. And did Betty know those kids were fake?
No. She didn’t.
Her daydream ends, and Betty is utterly horrified.
Miss Grundy gets on the loudspeaker and says they’re ready to announce the winning couple. There’s 1:24 left in this segment, so it’s about fucking time.
Everyone arrives at the dance pavilion. Miss Grundy asks the couples to step forward.
Eugene and Amani wonder where the couples are. Ethel spots them.
Wow, those are some sad motherfuckers.
Veronica is the only person to voice her dread, declaring she can’t live without money.
Amani asks what’s wrong with them. Eugene doesn’t know but hopes their names aren’t on the list.
Miss Grundy asks Mr. Weatherbee for the envelope. She opens it and takes out the card.
Miss Grundy is shocked (and pleased) that the winning couple is Jughead and Big Ethel. If I haven’t mentioned it before, “Big Ethel” was Ethel’s nickname in the comics at the time. Because she’s tall. And tall girls are to be made fun of. And fuck whoever thought that was a good idea. “Saved by the Bell” and “Coach” did the same fucking shit.
The “losers” are happier than the winners.
Going completely against Jughead’s characterization in the comic books, he enjoys being involved with Ethel, even if it is just some stupid annual town tradition. They start to daydream about their “wonderful” eventual marriage:
Since we’ve got eleven seconds left, they give us a quick, shared daydream: Ethel feeds Jughead. Of course. Why are they the only ones to imagine themselves older than their current ages? Also, why are the cheers from the audience still going on during the daydream sequence? Oh, well, whatever, the story’s over, thank fucking Goddess.
This segment was pretty stupid. Almost nothing in it mattered. We got to see what the characters think of each other, but the daydreams were so stupid that you can’t take them seriously.
Tune in next Wednesday!