Writer: Herb Engelhardt
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 10, 1987 (assumed)
I’m sorry that this is a bit late.
The segment opens with Miss Grundy’s class being finished with its work.
She has a surprise for them: they’re going to put on “Cinderella” in the auditorium for the whole school. Reggie makes fun of the plot, unimpressed. Miss Grundy says they’re gonna do it as a rock opera.
This gets the gang excited.
Well, all except Jughead, who’s listening to music as usual. Archie tries to give him what I’m guessing is a copy of the script, but Veronica snatches it away, because…she can’t wait to get her own copy?
She imagines it’s like a fucking Broadway premiere. This is pretty ludicrous.
Veronica starts listing the shit that she’ll need. Betty asks what the fuck she’s talking about. Veronica offers to let Betty join her staff of six.
Betty’s like “Bitch, it’s on! Auditions are tomorrow!” Reggie claims Veronica is a lock for the lead with all of her training. Reggie casts himself as Veronica’s “handsome prince”. Betty goes all Valley Girl on him.
The next day, Moose is reading for the prince, I guess, and he totally sucks at it.
Reggie tells Veronica that Moose would be perfect as the pumpkin.
Miss Grundy is like “More emotion, dumbass.”
Moose imagines the coach getting him pumped up with a pep talk and channels that emotion into his reading; he talks about physically assaulting Cinderella. Seriously.
He then looks at Reggie for whatever reason, and Reggie laughs. Miss Grundy praises Moose’s performance.
Miss Grundy has decided on the cast. Cinderella and the prince will be played by Betty and Archie.
Reggie and Veronica are surprised. Archie and Betty are thrilled and throw their script papers everywhere…for some reason.
Jughead will play the king, Reggie will play the grand duke, and Veronica will play the wicked stepmother. What about the stepsisters?
Veronica refuses to waste her talent on that. Reggie secretly tells her that she’s gonna be the star.
Later, a rehearsal takes place in the auditorium.
Moose and Eugene are the stagehands.
Eugene’s in charge of the technical shit, of course.
He starts the “magic”, which seems to be just a thin, translucent curtain that drops down.
Moose is supposed to drop the pumpkin coach, which he does, and he almost hurts Betty. Eugene gets on his case about it. Yeah, he dropped it too fast, but it wasn’t his fault. Betty’s supposed to know where the coach is going to come down and not fucking stand there.
Mr. Weatherbee comes by and compliments Eugene on the “lightning” (actually thunder) and predicts the show is gonna be “awesomely total”. Eugene laughs and then goes over everything with Moose from the beginning. Hang on, though: when is there a thunderstorm in “Cinderella”? Also, Eugene clearly wasn’t causing the thunder.
Reggie is taking notes on which ropes control which props, which is somehow part of his plan to make Veronica the star of the play.
I like how Reggie positions his pen or pencil. It makes him look like he has an evil villain’s mustache.
In the dressing room, Veronica is disgusted by her appearance (which is no different than usual) and doesn’t wanna be seen in public.
“Evil scheme, ahoy!”
Later, Moose is trying to memorize the ropes. Archie and Betty come by. Betty invites Moose to walk home with them. Moose declines, wanting to keep practicing, so he doesn’t let Eugene down. Archie and Betty leave.
Reggie comes by and tells Moose that Eugene wants him to re-tie a couple of ropes on the catwalk.
The day of the play comes.
Despite this supposedly being a “rock opera”, Betty’s rapping – pathetically at that. She would so fucking get beaten up in Compton.
Veronica, playing the wicked stepmother, comes by with two random girls (the wicked stepsisters).
Yuck! Okay, whose fucking idea was that ugly nose? And the wig? And why is Veronica wearing her sunglasses and larger versions of her earrings as parts of her costume?
Anyway, they go over the plot with the ball, and the evil stepmother slams Cinderella with chores to get around the king’s decree that every girl in the kingdom must attend.
Reggie sneaks around backstage and talks to
the audience himself about how he can’t wait until Betty puts the dress on. I realize the monocle is part of his costume, but it’s a nice touch for his real-life role as the bad guy.
As the wicked stepmother and stepsisters leave, Eugene and Amani, playing two mice, look at Cinderella in pity.
They decide to fix up her dress for her.
The picture fades out, but I don’t think it’s a commercial break.
The next scene abruptly comes on, and it sounds like the beginning of Veronica’s line is clipped off. Weird.
Anyway, Cinderella’s not ready, so no ball for her.
After the commercial break, Cinderella discovers her dress, which looks nothing like what it did earlier. It’s obviously a different dress, which makes me wonder how Reggie’s plan (whatever it is) is supposed to work.
The mice make sure that Cinderella knows they fixed up her dress.
Cinderella quickly strips off her clothes (what’s with this series giving Betty superhuman abilities?) and puts on her dress.
Here’s something for all of you mouse-fetish lovers out there. Insert joke about mice being afraid of pussy.
Everyone runs away.
Reggie yucks it up.
Veronica decides to continue with the play like nothing happened.
The stepsisters strip Cinderella of her dress.
The steps leave for the ball. One of the stepsisters throws the dress on the floor in front of Cinderella. Um, then why did they take it off her in the first place? Did they just want to unclothe her?
Eugene works his controls and has Moose lower a prop. Reggie sneaks past them.
Betty continues rapping badly. This “rock opera” sure doesn’t have a lot of singing in it – and certainly nothing that would qualify as “rock”.
A sad Cinderella is surprised by the sudden appearance of her fairy godmother (Ethel). She tells Cinderella: “Get ready to get up and get down!” You can tell Miss Grundy wrote the script. She has no idea how tweens talk.
The fairy godmother casts her spell to turn the pumpkin into the carriage.
Eugene brings down the magic. Betty lets out a total Valley Girl “Oooh!”
Archie comes by and gives Betty her dress, so she can appear to be magically dressed in it, but this makes no sense, because the stepsister left the fucking dress with Cinderella!
Moose lowers the pumpkin carriage.
Cinderella is in awe and very happy.
Her fairy godmother reminds her that “the magic wipes out at midnight”.
Oh, no! Veronica wants to hijack Betty’s part!
Mr. Weatherbee’s loving this. Miss Grundy, apparently fucking blind, guesses Moose must’ve pulled a little too hard. What? I know Betty and Veronica are beating the shit out of each other in the carriage, but that’s long after the carriage was safely lowered to the stage.
At the royal ball, the prince (Archie) dances with one of the stepsisters.
The king (Jughead) complains about the prince seemingly not having found the right girl yet. Is this show going meta on us?
Cinderella arrives at the ball.
The prince is so turned on that he drops the stepsister on her ass. This probably marks the only time in Archie history that Archie left another girl for Betty instead of the other way around.
Cinderella and the prince meet each other. The prince asks her to dance.
The spotlights come on. Contrary to every other time in this play (and real life), the spotlights make it more difficult to see them.
They start a traditional ballroom dance.
Whoa, this play had us fooled! They suddenly bust out what Miss Grundy thinks are sick rock dance moves!
Veronica cuts in, literally elbowing and shoving her costar (and supposed best friend) out of the way.
Reggie pulls Archie away, and we get this Looney Tunes gag:
Veronica and Reggie hog the stage for a while, dancing to what sounds like chill disco recorded on a shoestring budget.
Betty and Archie come back, and they all have a tween disco dance-off!
The audience loves it. I know I’m pumped.
The castle exterior set is lowered, complete with a historically accurate digital clock indicating it’s midnight.
Miss Grundy is suspicious. Mr. Weatherbee doesn’t care, because he’s enjoying it. Miss Grundy’s like “You bet your ass I’m gettin’ to the bottom of this!”
Cinderella rushes out of the ball.
She loses a glass slipper.
Reggie adds another one. Isn’t everyone watching him do this?
Backstage, Reggie tells the “kid” (that’s rude) to stick with him, because he’s her “name in the lights”. What?
Veronica is impatient and threatens Reggie if his plan doesn’t work.
The prince picks up one of the slippers (the one that Reggie dropped).
Then he notices the other one and is confused.
The prince hands the slippers to the grand duke and orders him to search the kingdom for the girl. Reggie makes a kinda funny joke.
Eugene tells Moose to haul up the palace and then lower the house. Miss Grundy walks toward the stage.
Archie’s worried about what Miss Grundy wants. Reggie has Archie hold onto a rope while he sees what she wants.
Miss Grundy demands to know what the fuck’s going on and where Veronica is. Reggie points her to the dressing room. Miss Grundy leaves, warning Reggie to not pull any shit while she’s gone. Reggie acts innocent.
Eugene tells Moose to hurry the fuck up.
Archie calls for help.
If Betty really wanted to help Archie, she’d simply say “Let go of the fucking rope, you dumbass motherfucker.”
Even while in the middle of a dangerous situation (brought about by her own stupidity), Betty is determined to not let Veronica upstage her.
Miss Grundy returns from the dressing room with Veronica’s dress and wonders what the fuck she’s up to – while being completely unaware of what’s going on around her.
For some reason, the play’s still going on. The duke visits imposter Cinderella to have her try the slipper on. “Cinderella” readily agrees.
Miss Grundy has put on a dress made for a tween (somehow) and demands…someone…zip her up, so she can “go out there and get this act together”.
Everything seems to be going Veronica’s way…
…Cinderella arrives from the heavens and confronts the imposter!
She snatches what she believes is her slipper away from the duke (although the duke was given two slippers).
Miss Grundy inserts herself into the play as the wicked stepmother and is hella pissed.
Reggie, amused, does one of those aside stage whispers that everyone can totally hear, which is not a good idea, considering he’s insulting his teacher.
Mr. Weatherbee finally gets pissed off and storms onto the stage…
Wait, why didn’t Archie drop down at the same time as Betty?
Anyway, Archie wrecks a bunch of shit backstage…
…and finally crashes into his friends, teacher, and principal. This could have been handled better.
The set is wrecked.
Archie crawls away from the carnage and…
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. The prince finds Cinderella, even though she had clearly been part of the carnage when he had crawled away from it. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve seen shitty animation mistakes like this on “Captain N: The Game Master“, which was (will be?) also animated by DiC.
Anyway, the slipper fits, so they’re happy. It’s so amusing how they’re still continuing with the play at this point.
Veronica and Reggie know they’re in deep shit.
Oh, the fairy godmother’s standing there…for some reason.
Jughead comes by and delivers the “happily ever after” ending speech.
Ethel throws herself at “Juggiekins”. *gag* She says she’ll be “Cinderella’s fairy godmother-in-law”. No, the correct term would be “mother-in-law”.
Anyway, the others yuck it up.
Then Miss Grundy feels all romantic about it and shit.
The audience loves it.
Miss Grundy realizes the play was a huge success. So are Veronica and Reggie gonna be punished or not?
Jughead’s suddenly okay with being with Ethel.
This segment was okay. It was kind of amusing. It totally let us down regarding the “rock opera” premise, and “danger” was injected into the story by Archie and Betty suddenly getting stupid. Overall, it’s enjoyable enough.
Tune in next Wednesday!