Writer: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 24, 1987 (assumed)
The segment opens with Jughead crawling through the desert, hot and tired.
Suddenly, he spots something.
The perfect treat to beat the heat: a giant cheeseburger surrounded by four french-fry pillars.
Jughead walks toward it, but then it disappears, revealing:
Yeah, what a rip-off. Jughead turns and leaves in disgust.
Then something in the sand stabs his foot.
Jughead picks up the lamp, and then we get…this…
From what I can tell, Jughead is imagining he’s gonna be the genie of the lamp, or there’s a genie that looks just like him in the lamp. Beats the fuck out of me.
So he rubs the lamp, and out comes a genie. When Jughead says it’s a genie, the genie asks “You were expecting Lawrence of Arabia, maybe?” Ugh, that sounds very similar to Jughead’s stupid recurring “joke” on the old-time radio show.
For his first wish, Jughead wishes for a hamburger and then changes it to five hamburgers. You shouldn’t be able to do that. Anyway, the genie gives him way more hamburgers than that.
The genie provides Jughead with a gong for when he wants more hamburgers. He then goes back into the lamp.
Jughead immediately finishes the last hamburger and bangs the gong to summon the genie back. He appears with a menacing laugh and then goes back into the lamp. Jughead is left in disbelief.
As if you didn’t already know, the first 1:51 of this segment (16% of the running time) was a fucking dream. Wow, up until this point, they hadn’t started a segment with a dream. This is a new level of fuckery.
Anyway, while dreaming, Jughead had taken a bite out of his hamburger pillow and smashed his mirror with his baseball bat. He’s convinced that he’ll have seven years of bad luck and is doomed.
After an abrupt scene change, a painter is done painting a fence at Riverdale Junior High School (even though the paint color doesn’t match the color of the fence at all) and puts up a sign to warn people about it.
But the sign falls off, and Mr. Weatherbee, having somehow not seen the painter, leans against the fence for two seconds to read a newspaper and ruins the back of his jacket. Ha.
While all of this is going on, Ms. Grundy is heard talking about selecting a “Riverdale representative” from the class to welcome their “royal visitors” and present them with the key to the city. Shouldn’t that be the mayor’s job?
There’s a “joke” where Ms. Grundy can’t remember the name of the nation that the king and queen are from (Derobastopia; that’s my guess as to the spelling) and has to consult her map, prompting laughter among and the exchange of glances between students.
The “somewhat unassuming” representative “possesses a quiet self-assurance”, “modesty”, and “intelligence” and “truly represents the common man”. So why is Reggie so confident that it’s him? The “common” thing trips him up a bit. Then his eyes bug out for no real reason. But he’s still confident enough to stand up prematurely.
No, it’s Jughead. Ms. Grundy doesn’t even call him Forsythe. Reggie is shocked. Archie is happy. Veronica is shocked.
Jughead takes this as proof that he’s doomed.
After school, at Pop’s, the gang is hanging out in a booth and celebrating. Did Pop re-decorate?
Anyway, Archie had told Jughead earlier that the mirror wouldn’t bring him bad luck. He mentions it now, and it just makes Jughead flip his shit and start listing all of the stuff that he hates that’s related to this honor.
Check out Betty just casually observing this as if it’s perfectly normal.
She briefly removes his hat, which stops his freak-out…for some reason. Then she tells him to calm the fuck down. Eugene tells him to eat his “burger” (as if that’ll make him eat just one). Jughead puts too much ketchup on his burger. It squirts out onto the floor when he bites into his burger, and…
Awww, and he was just in the process of congratulating Jughead.
Jughead declares himself to be a jinx.
Reggie listens in.
Moose has a dumb moment. Archie explains the situation.
Reggie starts to develop a scheme. Then he hides when Veronica shows up at the gang’s booth. Um, Reggie is looking through (presumably) the front entrance. How did Veronica get in?
Anyway, Veronica doesn’t want Jughead to embarrass her family in front of royalty, so she made up a list of dos and don’ts. She reads a few and then gives him the list to read “later”. He gets sassy with her and opens the list to read it now, knocking over a milkshake and…
She bitches at him and then leaves. Jughead agrees with her, but Archie and Betty vow to take care of him, so nothing happens.
Reggie, still by the door (how did Veronica leave?), vows to make sure that something does happen.
There’s a fade-out, and then the next scene abruptly starts, so I don’t think it’s a commercial break.
Anyway, party preparations are being made at Lodge Manor. Reggie secretly observes for a while and then…
…stuffs more balloons into the net and…
…adds a device.
Veronica calls his name, which startles him, but he manages to regain his balance. He bullshits about “checking the decorations”.
The stupid Valley girl buys it. Shouldn’t she know better by now than to trust anything that Reggie says?
She asks him a “really big favor”: work with Jughead, so he won’t fuck shit up.
Reggie’s delighted and immediately thinking of ways for Jughead to fuck shit up.
Veronica begs “Reggiekins” to do it, her tone suggesting plenty of fucking to be had. Claiming he’s been reading up on the nation’s customs, he agrees.
Later, Smithers pauses by the door for a moment and is like “What the fuck?”
Ick, that looks too similar to that stupid “dance” that Jughead once demonstrated:
Reggie insists Jughead needs a walking stick to greet the royals.
Later, Reggie sneaks around and puts a spring under the punch bowl.
“What the fuck, dude?!”
Jughead explains Reggie taught him the “royal greeting”. Veronica believes this and wants to learn.
Later, at the reception, Reggie pulls out a device to start some shit, but Veronica scares him by calling his name. That seems to be a recurring gag in this segment.
Veronica thanks Reggie for teaching Jughead the royal greeting.
For some reason, Reggie is relieved, even though, really, Veronica would have been pissed at him as soon as Jughead did this shit in front of the royals, so Reggie’s plan really makes no sense, and his mind shouldn’t be at ease.
As soon as Veronica walks away, Reggie spots Jughead by the punch bowl. Seeing an opportunity to publicly humiliate him, Reggie pulls out his device and presses the “Fire” button. Nothing happens.
Later, Veronica announces the arrival of the “guests”. Presumably, she means the guests of honor, not all of the guests that are already here.
Betty tells “Juggie” to relax. Jughead’s convinced something’s gonna happen. Archie says he’ll be fine and pats him on the back.
Yep, he’s too worked up.
Reggie tries launching the punch bowl again. Nothing happens. The king and queen of the podunk, backwater country that no one’s ever heard of arrive, and…
Veronica, I thought you were smarter than this! Then again, she did put Reggie in charge in the first place, so I guess she really is this stupid.
“I’m fucking dead as shit!”
In a funny twist, the king and queen mistake Veronica’s bullshit as a traditional American greeting and respond in kind.
Veronica leads the crowd in a round of applause.
As Reggie tries repeatedly to launch the punch bowl (he eventually gives up), Veronica, addressing the royals in the singular (likely a scripting or speaking error), introduces Jughead.
Jughead still refuses to do it, believing he’s a jinx. He tells Archie to do it. Archie tells him to get up there. Veronica finishes the introduction, and the crowd cheers.
Jughead feels he has no choice, so he forces himself to do the stupid “greeting”.
The queen’s already sick of this shit, but they go through with it again. The queen seems to be voiced by Ms. Grundy’s voice actor.
Wow, they even end it with a touch of class.
Veronica applauds. Jughead welcomes “Your Highness” and “Your Lowness” (that’s rude) to Riverdale.
Reggie takes out the (now-strangely-unlabelled) device and presses the other button (the one previously marked “Ready”).
Ooh, shit’s gonna happen!
Jughead slaps himself, suddenly remembering to present the royals with the key to the city. The king accepts it. The queen applauds…for some reason. People certainly like applauding in this segment.
The queen admires the “handsome” walking stick. Jughead offers it to her. She presses a button.
Then Reggie seemingly presses another button on the device. Why is this so complicated?
Jughead takes back the umbrella and…tries to close it. I thought he’d seen Reggie, guessed he was up to something, and wanted to hold the umbrella up over them, but I guess not.
So how do (what I’m guessing are) a handful of water balloons produce this much “rain”? We don’t even see the balloons burst. I seriously have no idea what’s happening.
Veronica figures out who’s responsible, although it should have immediately been obvious.
Reggie tries to put his device in his jacket, but it falls on the floor. He tries to sneak away, but Veronica confronts him. As Reggie prepares to bullshit an explanation, he steps on the device, breaking it.
This, of all things, is what finally launches the punch bowl. Bullshit.
Oh, look, Amani puts in a silent cameo with around a minute to go in the story.
Betty takes down Archie.
Eugene (who wasn’t even initially involved in this mess) takes down Mr. Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy.
Ms. Grundy takes down Moose.
Moose lands against the legs of the stage. The stage collapses. Jughead grabs hold of the royals and…
Get it? Jughead isn’t a jinx anymore.
Reggie calls for a medic.
Later, after everyone’s seemingly gotten cleaned up, Veronica chews out Reggie in front of the rest of the gang. Heh, Ethel puts in a silent cameo with less than a minute remaining.
Reggie and Veronica…get in a limousine…and…ride off. Where are they going?
Jughead takes Reggie’s broken or hurt arm as proof that he really is a jinx, but Archie says Reggie did it to himself. Betty says Jughead “saved the royal couple”. No. No, he totally didn’t. Regardless, Jughead thinks his luck has changed, and he isn’t a jinx.
Jughead finds a four-leaf clover and is ecstatic.
The gang is happy that this bullshit is over.
But then Jughead realizes it has only three leaves and tosses it. But then he takes it being green as a plus. Huh?
He takes out money and declares lunch is on him.
The gang cheers, because they’re getting free food. The fucking end.
This segment was pretty stupid. While Veronica was not a villain, she was unusually stupid. Reggie’s plan made no sense. Why’d he give Jughead a walking stick that turns into an umbrella? So he’d accidentally open it indoors and give himself more bad luck? How’d the water thing work? Finally, Jughead had only two actual instances of bad luck, spanning a total of 1:19 of the story.
Tune in next Wednesday!