The New Archies, Segment 15 – Telegraph, Telephone, Tell Reggie

Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 31, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:20

First of all, really awkward, cumbersome title.

The segment opens with an aerial view of Riverdale.

Archie and Jughead are being lazy-ass motherfuckers, forcing their dogs to give them rides.

Jughead has the nerve to talk about exercise and “the sweet sound of nature” while avoiding both. Admittedly, Archie calls him out on it, but even he’s avoiding exercise.

Veronica and Betty know how it’s done.

Veronica’s pissed at Reggie because of an incident yesterday.

They were out in the rain.

Reggie “drove right past in his father’s limo”. Um, Reggie wasn’t driving. Even if he was in the back seat, the limo was probably going too fast for him to see the girls clearly – if he was even looking out the window at all.

Betty seemed somewhat amused by it.

Back in the present, Archie has handed Red off to Jughead in favor of getting some exercise. This might be a bit too much speed for Jughead.

That’s what happens, man.

Why does Archie’s face look like an ape’s? He says “That’s nothing! This morning, we were supposed to play football.” What? Was one of Jughead’s lines cut?

Anyway, we get a flashback to this event.

Reggie got mad, because it wasn’t his turn to be quarterback, so he took his football and left. The others gave chase, because kids fight over the stupidest things.

Back in the present, Archie helps Jughead out of the bushes. “Archie, I didn’t know you liked me that way!”

The guys take off. The girls jog by and see:

This is Reggie’s dog, Lance.

Reggie tells the guys to wait up, because Lance has a “treat” for their “mutts”.

“Ha, ha!”

“So much sausage! I’m so jealous!”

“Us, too!”

Only in Riverdale would you see something like this.

The guys soon fall into the bushes.

Later, the gang’s sitting on a bench. Veronica and Archie try to think up punishments for Reggie.

Ms. Grundy waves as she jogs over to them.

The gang stands and greets her (rather stiffly and unenthusiastically). Force of habit, I guess.

Judging by their expressions, Ms. Grundy asks if “Reginald” is “at it” again.

The gang unloads on Ms. Grundy.

I love the following exchange:

Ms. Grundy: “Vengeance isn’t the answer, my dears.”

Veronica: “Sure, it is!”

Cute. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ms. Grundy suggests using kindness to turn Reggie around.

“Aw, fuck no, bitch!”

Later, the gang meets outside Archie’s house. They’re gonna throw Reggie a surprise party. Veronica gives Archie a “phone tree” (actually just a list of phone numbers) and then leaves to go shopping for a new outfit. Betty leaves with her. Archie will call Jughead as soon as he checks with his folks. Archie reminds…someone to not say anything to Reggie. Um, big fucking duh.

Are you sure you wanna do that, Jughead?

“The fuck you still here for?”

Told ya.

In the next shot, Jughead shows them that he has nothing in his hands, which means he ate the rest of the burger while the dogs were staring at him. Ewww!

He and Hot Dog leave.

Later, inside a spacious room, Archie starts making calls.

First, he calls Jughead.

As Jughead drops the phone into the cake, Archie tells him that they can have the party in his rec room and to bring records and the cake; he tells Jughead to pass it on.

Fucking ewww!

After Jughead hangs up, he points for Hot Dog to get away from anywhere near the cake. He wonders “what the rest of the gang’s gonna eat”. He’s such an asshole.

Due to shitty continuity, Jughead’s briefly wearing his headphones.

Reggie knocks at the front door and tells Jughead to open up.

Jughead panics, trying to find a place to stash the cake. The fridge and closet are full.

That’ll work.


Jughead tries to slam the door on him, but Reggie barges in, saying he has two tickets to the ball game tonight. Jughead says he can’t go.

Reason #1

Reggie is suspicious of Jughead’s refusal. He says they’re “great tickets”. Jughead starts to bullshit about something that he and Archie have to do, but then he notices Hot Dog running off and takes off after him, following him outside and yelling “That’s the cake for the party!” Dumbass.

Reggie wonders about that and, probably thinking the party is for someone else, starts thinking of ways to sabotage it.

TNA-15-Telegraph-Telephone-Tell-Reggie-53-Jughead-Eugene-phoneLater, Jughead has made another cake. He calls Eugene and tells him that the party is in Archie’s “back room”. Why is Jughead calling? I thought Veronica gave the phone tree to Archie.

Anyway, Eugene can hardly hear Jughead.

He accuses Jughead of eating something, and, holy shit, look at Eugene’s bedroom.

Anyway, visibly offended, Jughead says that’s Hot Dog. Hot Dog then goes for the cake, and Jughead whines about having to bake another one.

Check out Eugene’s expression. He’s like “Suuuuuure.”

Anyway, Jughead tells Eugene to bring tapes and pass it on. So this is some kind of phone-tag method of party preparation?

Anyway, Eugene nods in response but doesn’t say anything. I think the animators Eugene forgot Jughead’s not video conferencing.

Eugene gets up and goes over to a cabinet. He takes out all of “Reggie’s favorites”. Bullshit. I doubt these two have any music in common. Anyway, Eugene names a few but then abruptly stops talking, resulting in a few seconds of awkward silence. Then…

Reggie apparently has nothing better to do today than to show up unannounced at the houses of the only kids that will talk to him.

“The fuck, dude?! Get out! I mean…wassup?”

“Cool! Let’s pirate this shit!”

Eugene says he can’t, because he’s lending them to Archie.

Eugene literally pushes Reggie out the door, saying “My modem will call your modem.”

This raises Reggie’s suspicion. He sees Moose come by and hides in the bushes.

Eugene whispers instructions in Moose’s ear (only a handful of words are audible) and then sends a confused Moose off on his errand.

Moose jogs in place for a while – for no reason other than for Reggie to overhear all of the secret stuff that he repeats out loud. What a dumbass.

Reggie then reveals himself, startling Moose.

A nervous Moose then inadvertently spills everything. He then runs off.

If this is an animation error, it’s fucking sloppy. If it’s a sight gag, it’s fucking stupid.

Reggie is happy that the truth is out but is confused as to its meaning (Moose mentioned “Archie’s party”, not specifically that it’s for Reggie) and runs off.

Moose arrives at Lodge Manor.

Reggie has followed him. Moose pounds on the front door and yells for Veronica. Do the Lodges not have a doorbell?

Okay, genuine LOL moment. ๐Ÿ™‚

Veronica tells Moose to take it slow and just give her the message.

Moose says Eugene invited a baboon to Archie’s backyard and tells Veronica to bring him something to eat.

“…the fuck?”

Moose “almost forgot” something.

This gives Veronica renewed hope. She waits in eager anticipation.

“…the fuck?”

Moose says “Pass it on” and fucking leaves.

Okay, this entire scene was pretty damn funny. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reggie vows revenge on Archie for inviting a baboon but not him.

At Betty’s house, Betty and Amani listen to Betty’s answering machine and get a laugh over Veronica ordering bananas for the baboon. They’re like “What the fuck?” Veronica then suggests Betty bring something for them to eat. Amani notes it sounds like Veronica was using a blowdryer and tells Betty to play it again.

Bullshit. Tapes can get tangled in devices (we said the tape was “eaten” or the device “ate” the tape back in the day), but it wouldn’t pop out like that.

Betty fixes the tape, puts it back in the answering machine, and then…doesn’t play it. She simply guesses Veronica actually said “balloons” and “banana splits”. Amani suggests going to Pop’s and getting “lots of gooey toppings”. Why not go to the supermarket? It’d be a lot cheaper. Then again, this is a franchise where kids routinely hang out in a diner and drop money on food there instead of, y’know, having each other over for lunch or whatever.

There’s a needlessly long shot in which Betty and Amani walk toward the already-open front door. Yeah, keep your doors wide open, kids; it’s okay; nothing bad will happen. If they wanted to waste this much time, they should have had the door be closed, so Betty could spend some time opening it.

And what the fuck’s up with this ’80s porn music score? Seriously, it sounds like something out of “Debbie Does Dallas” or a Traci Lords film.

Anyway, they leave, Betty closes the door, and then we hear Betty laugh about the baboon again.

At Ethel’s house, she’s lifting weights, because girls doing “boys’ stuff” is funny. Dur-hur-hur. Fuck this show.

Anyway, she suddenly starts counting as she nears the end of her workout.

Someone (presumably meant to be a parent but sounding like Jughead to me) tells “Big Ethel” (yes, that’s what he calls her) that Betty called and told her to bring a “paper face” (I think) for Reggie. Ethel’s happy now that she realizes they know she’s a great artist.

At twilight, Reggie vows to “fix their backyard baboon party”.

He shows up at Archie’s house to set booby traps. I realize he’s approaching from the back, but who has a gate in their backyard?

Meanwhile, some of the guests have arrived at Archie’s house, and Archie is on the phone with someone, trying to determine Reggie’s location.

Yeah, Ethel, Reggie’ll love that. Archie compliments her, calling the drawing “dude-ular” or something.

Archie calls Pop’s to find out if Reggie is over there. We don’t get an answer, because…

…Archie goes positively orgasmic over Veronica’s bananas. Does he think they’ll gonna take turns plunging them into her depths or something?

Oh, and he hangs up on Pop without saying thanks or bye.

Veronica realizes Archie wasn’t expecting this and calls for Moose’s fucking head.

Betty and Amani come by with some “wild toppings” for the banana splits. Veronica takes credit (along with Moose) for the banana splits to save face.

Moose informs Jughead that Reggie isn’t at the ballpark either. I guess “lack of communication” is a secondary theme in this story (the primary theme being “miscommunication”), because why the fuck don’t they call up Reggie’s house and ask his parents where he is?

Jughead asks where they put the ribs. When was he asked to cook ribs?

Archie goes to look for the “guest of honor”. Veronica and Jughead talk about the miscommunications. Jughead says something that I can’t quite understand and then tosses some food into his mouth. Whatever.

It’s now dark, and Reggie has set up his favorite go-to prank: water balloons.

He wonders where Archie and his “honored guests” are.

Jughead opens the covers of the storm cellar. At least, that’s what it looks like. He’s really just letting cool air into the rec room.

Reggie hears Eugene and Betty talking about him and realizes the party is for him.

Archie shines a flashlight and calls out to Reggie. Reggie warns him to not come out.

Too late. Lights come on, and a siren goes off.

Everyone except Ethel goes to the window to see what the fuck’s going on.

Reggie lets go of the balloons and…

Everyone laughs at him. Then…

…he sets off the sprinklers. How much did Reggie spend on this prank? More importantly, how did he set everything up without Archie’s parents (or any of the kids) seeing him?

Anyway, this goes on for quite a while. It’s almost as if they’re padding the story!

Reggie gets caught up in the spinning laundry thing and…

…comes out a mummy. Get it? Because this aired on Halloween. Actually, it’s probably just a coincidence.

He then gets covered in laundry.

The gang (except Ethel) laughs and cheers.

Reggie tells “Arch” that he feels like a “perfect jerk”. Archie helps him up and tells him that nobody’s perfect.

He invites his “buddy” to the party, saying there’s a banana split with his name on it.

This segment was pretty good. There were some genuinely funny moments. But I think a bunch of junior high students would do a better job of coordinating a party than just saying “Here’s what to do. Pass it on.”

Tune in next Wednesday!

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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