The New Archies, Segment 16 – Wooden It Be Loverly

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-01-title.jpg
Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 31, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

Yes, that’s actually the title. It’s not a typo – at least, not on my part.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-02-trainTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-03-treehouse
The segment opens on the gang’s hitherto-unmentioned tree house, which is near some train tracks. They’re throwing a paper airplane around.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-04-Betty
Betty rides over and carelessly drops her bike on its side. It’s not like she has to worry about money or anything. Oh, wait.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-05-Betty-climbsTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-06-Betty-newspaper
She climbs the ladder. She has exciting news for the others.

There’s a zoom-in on a window of the tree house for no apparent reason except to eat up time.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-07-gangTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-08-newspaper-treehouseTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-09-newspaper-warehouse
Betty announces “they’re gonna build a warehouse”.

I can only guess these are the “before” pic and an artist’s concept drawing. If so, more than just the tree house would be torn down, because they’re planning to build a bunch of skyscrapers.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-10-Jughead-Archie-newspaper
Archie reads the article and says they’re gonna cut down their old oak tree to build a freight warehouse (which makes sense, next to the railroad tracks). Jughead and Veronica protest.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-11-Reggie-airplane
Reggie hits them with the cold truth that they can’t do shit about it. He makes a paper airplane and throws it out the window.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-12-Archie-confronts-Reggie
The airplane flies back into the tree house. Archie unwraps the paper and confronts Reggie over the fact that his dad owns the newspaper, and he could have told them about the tree being cut down. Reggie asks what good it’d do, since they’re cutting it down tomorrow.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-13-Veronica-Betty
Veronica says this is the place where Betty gave her her first (I think) permanent.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-14-Betty-perms-VeronicaTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-15-Veronica-mirror
We then get a flashback of it. Why would Veronica allow Betty to touch her hair, much less style it in a tree house?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-16-Veronica-hair
Ha.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-17-Jughead-Archie
Jughead has fond memories of him and Archie catching the mumps in the tree house and having to stay for a whole weekend.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-18-treeTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-19-Eugene-maskTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-20-Archie-Jughead-foodTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-21-Jughead-Archie-foodTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-22-Jughead-burger
Flashback time. Even if they did have to stay here (instead of being brought home), why didn’t their parents take care of them?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-23-gang
In the time that it took for that flashback to occur, Amani joined them. Or maybe she had come in earlier and stood quietly off to the side.

Anyway, Archie says this is the place where all of them held their “annual get-dizzy-on-the-swing contest”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-24-Moose-swingTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-25-Jughead-Reggie-dizzy
Flashback time.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-26-gang-sits
Archie asks if they’re gonna take this sitting down.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-27-gang-stands
Hehe, okay, that’s pretty funny.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-28-Veronica-Archie
Archie asks if they’re gonna do something about it. Jughead and Veronica say yeah. Actually, Veronica exclaims “To the max!”

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-29-plan
So the gang, excluding Reggie, gets in a huddle. Archie says they’ll get the whole gang together, and then he goes into that cartoon whisper where you can’t hear anything that he says.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-30-Veronica-lifts-Reggie
Veronica single-handedly lifts Reggie to his feet and pulls him into the huddle. Damn, she’s strong.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-31-gang-treeTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-32-sleeping-bags
That evening, the gang (sans Reggie) meets at the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-33-Eugene-water-balloons
Eugene’s filling twenty water balloons “to the max”. (See what they did?) This would ordinarily be a Reggie task, I’m sure, but he can’t be bothered to do anything in a plan that he has no confidence in.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-34-Eugene-wet
Eugene fails at basic science.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-35-Eugene-laughs
At least, he can laugh over his own ineptitude.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-36-Veronica-Betty-chain-Moose
As Veronica and Betty chain Moose to the tree, he happily sings a song: “I’m chained to the tree, and I’ll stay here forever ’til they don’t cut it down, cut it down.” He then asks them how they like his protest song.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-37-Veronica-Moose-Betty
That says it all.

Betty says it’s “very nice”, no doubt to spare his feelings. She asks if the chains are too tight. He briefly struggles and says no, adding he could stay here all night.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-38-Veronica
“That’s the whole idea, you dumbass.”

Moose starts singing his protest song again, but Betty telling him to shut the fuck up, because someone’s coming.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-39-Archie-Amani
It’s Amani with a beehive for Archie. Where the fuck did she get a beehive? Anyway, he slips it in the knothole in the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-40-Eugene-Amani
Eugene calls out to Reggie for help with the water balloons, but he’s a no-show, so Amani eagerly offers to help Eugene.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-41-Archie-Jughead-Ethel
Jughead complains to Archie and Ethel (who’s suddenly here) about how Reggie’s always late when there’s work to do. He then asks if it’s bedtime yet. Ha.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-42-Ethel-Jughead
Archie climbs up the ladder. As Jughead’s about to climb up, Ethel gives him a bedtime snack. Seriously, she’s got a serving tray. Is she the official caterer for the protest group?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-43-guys-sleep
Later, the guys apparently decided to sleep on the ground. Okay. Jughead talks about french fries in his sleep.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-44-Moose-sings
Moose sings his stupid protest song in his sleep.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-45-chains-cut
Someone cuts Moose’s chain in one or two spots, and this is apparently all that it takes to completely free him. Bullshit!

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-46-Moose-ground
The fall doesn’t wake Moose, who continues singing his stupid protest song.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-47-honey
Someone pours honey into the beehive.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-48-Ethel
Ethel is standing sitting guard outside the tree house and nodding off.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-49-girls-sleep
The girls are asleep inside and having wet dreams. No, seriously, they’re moaning.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-50-shadowTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-51-water-balloons
An improbably shadowy figure (who could it be?!) climbs up the ladder and lets the water out of the water balloons.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-52-sunriseTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-53-boys
At sunrise, the guys wake up on their own (bullshit), and Archie yells for the alarm to be turned off. What?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-54-Betty-VeronicaTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-55-workers
Betty points out the arrival of the eeeviiil lumberjacks while not noticing the lack of water balloons.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-56-Archie-orders
Archie stands up and barks orders.

Moose gets up to climb the ladder. He wants everyone to sing with him but then realizes he’s no longer chained to the tree.

Archie feels water drip on his head, looks up, and sees their water balloons have been “sabotaged”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-57-Eugene-Jughead-hive
Eugene says someone fed honey to the bees, and they won’t be chasing anyone for a while. Jughead asks if there’s any honey left for breakfast. Asshole.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-58-Archie-Moose-tree
Archie and Moose try to defend the tree. They and the others sing Moose’s stupid protest song despite not being chained to the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-59-limo
A red limousine arrives.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-60-Grundy-WRIV
So does a reporter from WRIV, Riverdale’s local radio station. WRIV is in the comics as well, except it’s a TV station there. In real life, WRIV is an AM radio station in Riverhead, New York.

Ms. Grundy also jogs by at that moment.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-61-mayor
Holy shit, it’s the fucking mayor! We know, because he says so! He’s there to “officially pronounce” the murder of the tree. He even brought an axe to hold on TV. So, just to be clear, Riverdale is a sleepy, shitty-ass town where the mayor can take the time to hold an axe to a tree, even though there’s no newspaper photographer in sight, for a piece on the shitty local morning-drive show.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-62-gang-tree
Why is Reggie suddenly with them? Did he have a change of heart? Ha! You obviously haven’t been following along to know the real reason: shitty continuity.

Anyway, the non-chained protestors sing the stupid protest song about being chained to the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-63-Grundy-mayor
Ms. Grundy tells Melvin (the mayor) that he has a little protest on his hands. He addresses her as “Ms. Grundy”. I wonder if he’s one of her former students.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-64-mayor
Anyway, then he realizes he’s the motherfucking mayor and yells at the kids to knock this shit off, or he’ll throw them in the fucking slammer, where there are bald, goatee-wearing men that do bad things to little kiddies.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-65-Grundy-reporter-mayor
The RIV reporter asks him to repeat that for the live audience. Um, I think her microphone probably picked that up, but whatever. The mayor tries to cover his ass on the radio. Ms. Grundy asks “Melvin” what he’s gonna do about it. The mayor struggles to come up with anything. Can you believe the people voted for someone so incompetent?

I can.

Ms. Grundy suggests forming a committee. He agrees and adds they’ll postpone action for one week.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-66-group
The gang (including Reggie) cheers.

The mayor tries to hog the airwaves, but…

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-67-Grundy-reporter-mayor
…the reporter swipes the microphone from him. Hehehe. Guess who’s not voting for you in the next election, asshole.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-68-RJHSTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-69-Moose-Archie
After the commercial break (I guess), at Riverdale Junior High School, Ms. Grundy quotes Thomas Jefferson regarding rebellion. This gets Archie jazzed up. What the fuck is Moose playing with? He tells “Ms. G” that he thinks he has a new song.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-70-Moose-Grundy
She snatches away his thing and says there are legal, peaceful methods of protest.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-71-Reggie
Reggie continues to talk like all hope is lost.

Ms. Grundy goes over things that they can do:

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-72-Betty-leaflets
*make leaflets

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-73-Amani-Eugene-research
*research

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-74-city-hall
*circulate a petition to gather signatures

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-75-Jughead-mayor
Although maybe not from the guy that you’re opposing.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-76-mayor-petition
I’m pretty sure that this is illegal. I should note the mayor seems utterly incapable of tearing up paper.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-77-Jughead-mayor-reporter
Luckily, the local intrepid reporter is on the scene to capture…absolutely nothing.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-78-mayor-signs-petition
Somehow, the mayor thinks he’s been caught and decides to sign the petition. Why? Just hand it back.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-79-Archie-Jughead-fiveTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-80-Jughead-mayor-fiveTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-81-Jughead-mayor-five-photo
Who took this photo?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-82-Jughead-mayor-five-newspaper
Ms. Grundy tells them to get plenty of publicity for their cause.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-83-Ethel-Weatherbee
Ethel points out to Mr. Weatherbee that even the mayor signed. He’s impressed and signs as well. Ethel thanks him for his support.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-84-Weatherbee-heart
Hmmm, it seems Mr. Weatherbee has a personal reason to save this tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-85-city-hallTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-86-mayor-gavel
At city hall, the mayor calls for a vote on murdering the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-87-gang
The gang rushes in.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-88-Eugene
Eugene cites a city bylaw that requires the opposition to be heard. Um, cutting it kinda close, aren’t you? Why wasn’t this set up well ahead of time?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-89-mayor-Archie
Anyway, the mayor cuts him off and tells Archie to just fucking speak already. Archie talks about them loving their tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-90-Betty-petition
Betty shows off the signatures that they’ve gathered – including the mayor’s.

The mayor invites questions from the audience.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-91-audience-1
A woman brings up that the town is “littered with leaflets”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-92-audience-2
“Heil Melvin!”

More people agree. The mayor happily declares the tree comes down tomorrow.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-93-mayor-gavel-seriousTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-94-mayor-gavel-happy
He then keeps banging his gavel and calling for order (alternating between serious and happy), but the crowd is rowdy.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-95-girls-leaflets
Later, Betty, Veronica, and Amani pick up the leaflets in the park. Betty says someone’s out to sabotage them.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-96-Archie-airplane
Archie finds and pockets a paper airplane. I wonder whose it is. He hopes their token black friends find something at the library; it’s their “last hope”.

At the library, stacks of books randomly fall off the table. Amani and Eugene don’t acknowledge it. It’s not meant to be a scene transition, because there was already a wipe. Beats the hell outta me what that was about.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-97-Amani-Eugene
Actual quoted dialogue:

Amani (regarding a newspaper page with pieces cut out): “That’s it!”
Eugene: “Could be! Of course, it would help if we knew what it was.”

I…have no idea what they’re talking about.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-98-Eugene-dark
As Eugene says his line, the lights seemingly flicker, but this goes unacknowledged, which leads me to believe the shot simply darkens a few times due to some kind of error.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-99-Eugene-Amani-walk
There’s an unnecessary shot of them walking to the exit. Could this be…padding?!

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-100-tree-houseTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-101-gang
That night, the gang’s in the tree house, packing up their stuff. There’s a lot of commotion.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-102-Reggie-airplane
Reggie makes a paper airplane.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-103-Jughead-burgers
Jughead is “eating to forget”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-104-Archie-pictureTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-105-picture
Taking down an old picture, Archie says they had a lot of good times here. Care to fill us in on any of them? ‘Cause you all have shared shitty memories so far.

Archie can’t understand how someone that they know and trust could do this. Reggie throws his airplane at Archie. Archie takes out the one that he’d picked up earlier in the park and places it next to Reggie’s airplane. They’re identical. He says he can’t understand. ARE YOU A FUCKING IDIOT?!

Reggie tells him to knock it off.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-106-Ethel
Ethel announces Eugene and Amani’s arrival.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-107-Ethel-Eugene-Amani
Eugene says they have a “clue” but don’t know what it is.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-108-Amani-Eugene
While Jughead talks, Amani and Eugene switch places. Amani shows off a copy of an early Riverdale Gazette. It’s an article about Horace Riverdale, the town founder. Seriously, show? Riverdale is named after someone named Horace Riverdale?

Eugene says someone tore out a piece of the article. Um, it looks like someone tore out two pieces.

Eugene says that’s the missing clue. How the fuck does he know? Is there something in the article that led him to believe the answer to their problems is in those missing pieces?

Reggie quietly sneaks out.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-109-gang-tree
The next morning, at sunrise, the gang and Ms. Grundy are sitting in front of the tree.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-110-mayor-bullhorn
The mayor doesn’t want any “trouble”.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-111-Reggie-mayor
Reggie shows up.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-112-gang-shocked
The gang is shocked.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-113-Reggie-mayor-2
Reggie found this “clipping” (looks like a full page to me) in his father’s newspaper files. The mayor reads it silently. Ms. Grundy tells “Melvin” to read it aloud.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-114-Grundy-mayor
He takes too damn long, so Ms. Grundy takes the paper away from him.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-115-newspaper
The oak tree is a historical monument, dedicated by Horace Riverdale. So…only the caption under the photo made this clear? It wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the article itself? Furthermore, isn’t there a record of this somewhere other than this newspaper article? Doesn’t Riverdale have a preservation society or something? Wouldn’t they raise a stink about the mayor trying to chop down the tree?

Also, isn’t this supposed to be an old article? Just how long has the gang had the tree house here?

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-116-gang-cheers
The gang (or some of them, anyway) cheers. The crowd disperses. The WRIV reporter doesn’t bother conducting any interviews.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-117-Moose-sings
Moose sings his stupid protest song, because he’s a dumbass.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-118-Reggie-confesses
In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, Reggie confesses to sabotaging everything.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-119-Betty-Eugene-Jughead
Betty asks why.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-120-Moose-Veronica-AmaniTNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-121-Amani-Archie
Reggie says his Uncle Cyrus wanted to build the warehouse here, and he promised Reggie a mountain bike if he helped, but Reggie decided friends were more important.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-122-Veronica-heart
Veronica tells “Reg” that he did the right thing, adding this is the tree where he pledged his love to her.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-123-Betty-heart
And Betty.

TNA-16-Wooden-It-Be-Loverly-124-Reggie-heart
Reggie discovers even Horace T. Riverdale pledged his love to…no one…here.

Moose leads the gang in one last encore of the stupid protest song as the camera zooms in on Horace’s heart carving. The end.

This segment was a mixed bag. It was hilarious in some spots (mostly the protest song), dull in others (walking, paper airplanes), and bullshit in most of it. Seriously, these kids don’t have any happy memories of the tree house, no one questions the mayor’s decision to destroy a historical landmark, and pertinent information seemingly exists solely in a photo in an old newspaper article. You can do better, show.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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