Writer: Dennis O’Flaherty
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 7, 1987 (assumed)
The segment opens with the revelation that there’s a “karate ‘demo'” at “Riverdale School”.
A lot of people are gathered to watch the karate “demo”.
Oh, shit, it’s white-guy karate. This is giving me horrible flashbacks.
Okay, not bad, Reg.
Archie calls Reggie a fake, and Jughead says he “probably did it with mirrors”. Huh?
Betty chastises the two of them for accusing Reggie (and looks so happy doing it). Veronica seconds this, saying Reggie was nice enough to put on a karate demonstration for them. Um, wouldn’t Reggie’s sensei have to be present for this? I remember a white-guy taekwondo demonstration at my school. There was a routine set to “Bad to the Bone”. Seriously.
Anyway, Archie calls Reggie “the biggest show-off in Riverdale”. Veronica accuses Archie of being jealous.
Archie pulls Jughead close and expresses his concern about Veronica going to the dance with Reggie now. Notice how the girls don’t give a shit.
Jughead shakes Archie and says he can’t give up without a fight. Notice how the girls still don’t give a shit.
Archie takes the “fight” part literally and is scared. Jughead says he means psychology, not brute force. Might this be foreshadowing for Jughead’s future career?
Anyway, Jughead then does that incoherent cartoon whispering in Archie’s ear. After hearing whatever Jughead suggested, Archie proposes using brute force. Whatever it is, it’s dependent on Reggie agreeing to it, which Jughead doubts he will.
Reggie thinks Archie is volunteering.
Instead, Archie proposes a little trip before tonight’s costume dance to “Frankenstein’s cave”, seemingly a local haunted area. Y’know, I should have expected this series to air its Halloween story one week late.
Anyway, Reggie is spooked, but the girls are in love with Archie and Reggie over the idea. The guys try to decide what to do.
While rubbing her ass against Betty’s, Veronica decides to go to the dance with Archie and Reggie.
Betty takes issue with this and steps aside, causing Veronica to fall on her ass.
Veronica clarifies by saying Archie and Reggie have to go to the cave.
Archie and Reggie seem confused or whatever, but eventually…
…they go to the cave.
I’m gonna ask this only once, but why the fuck do the animators draw the moon huge? This is fucking impossible! If the moon ever got this close to the Earth, all life would end.
There’s a long shot as the gang walks to the cave. Admittedly, the imagery is pretty cool.
Something scares the guys. Wait. I get they brought Moose along for protection, but why’d they bring Eugene?
Anyway, then they fight…in one of those cartoon dust balls…in mid-air.
Anyway, Eugene and Moose realize it was an owl. That’s what caused the big panic? Still doesn’t explain why they were fighting.
Jughead, Archie, and Reggie make excuses to leave, but Eugene wants to press on. After some arguing, Eugene argues they’ll lose out on pussy if they back out.
This is enough to convince Reggie and Archie to decide “Oh, what the hell?” Admittedly, this is a more subdued reaction than I was expecting.
They discuss the legend and how “Dr. Frankenstein is just a story”. Jughead points out that Professor Sprocket founded Riverdale College. Reggie says “they say” he had a secret laboratory “down here”. So I guess they’re on the south side of Riverdale? Anyway, Moose adds “they say” he was trying to make a creature just like Frankenstein.
Eugene gets scared by a frog. So do the others. Then they have a laugh over it once they realize what it is.
Ribbiting Riveting stuff.
Archie’s like “Enough fucking around. Onward!”
They soon arrive at the cave. Eugene says, if they find Professor Sprocket’s secret lab, they’ll be famous. Uneasy, Archie asks “Famous for what?”
In the cave, Archie finds a secret passage.
He finds the secret lab.
He gets chased by a little robot – and is terrified of it for some reason.
He runs into shelves and somehow manages to knock every single bottle down.
After pounding on the secret door for a while, he manages to go back through.
The robot falls on its metallic ass.
The other guys banter for a while, and Archie finally finds them.
They react like this:
Then they run away. Why?
Beats me. I’d burst out laughing.
Anyway, Archie yells for the “jerk” (singular) to come back, and then he looks at his right hand and finally realizes he’s a werewolf. Shouldn’t he have seen his hands much earlier than this? Anyway, he lets out a howl and runs off.
Meanwhile, the other guys are running away. Moose asks Reggie why he didn’t “karate that dude”. Reggie says it “wouldn’t be fair”, because he’s a black belt. Eugene hopes the thing didn’t get Archie. Jughead screeches to a halt, realizing he didn’t think about that. He decides to go back to the cave. Eugene is impressed by Jughead’s friendship for Archie. Jughead is repulsed at that idea. The real reason that he’s going back is because Archie owes him five bucks (which is odd, since it’s usually the other way around). I said it before, and I’ll keep saying it: Jughead is an asshole!
See? Even the guys are like “What the fuck, seriously?” They shake their heads.
Jughead returns to the cave, calling for Archie and lamenting the loss of his five dollars. Asshole.
Archie runs out of the cave and tackles Jughead.
Archie gets on Jughead’s case about his big ideas and threatens to “show” him “psychology”. Um…
Jughead realizes it’s him.
Archie spots a “posse” like in “the Frankenstein movie” and assumes they’re looking for him. Jughead hopes they don’t have silver bullets. They run away. The “posse” is neither seen nor mentioned again. So, yeah, that was completely pointless. I won’t get on the writer’s case about the posse showing up so soon after Archie’s turned into a werewolf, because the same thing had happened in Universal’s “House of Frankenstein“.
On the way back to Archie’s house, Archie hopes his mom doesn’t see him. They banter for a bit, and then Archie climbs up the rain pipe to his bedroom. He asks if Jughead’s sure that he’ll change back in the morning. Citing “the Wolf Man movie” (which they’ve both seen), Jughead says it never fails.
The rain pipe separates from the house, and Archie lands on a police car.
The cop runs away.
Archie decides to go to the costume dance. Clouds cover the full moon, but they have their flashlights.
Jughead has Archie check his reflection in a car window, and they make it sound like Archie’s turning back to normal, but he still looks like a kid in a cheap werewolf costume to me. Archie asks what he’s gonna do for a costume now (his mom made one, but it’s back home), despite the fact that he’s still a werewolf. Jughead suggests using the outfit that he (Jughead) wore in the Thanksgiving parade. Wait, I assumed this story takes place around Halloween. Is Jughead maybe talking about Thanksgiving of last year?
Anyway, Archie objects, and then…the picture goes out for nearly two seconds (but the audio remains).
Archie’s having second thoughts, but Jughead insists he looks great.
“What the fuck?”
Reggie and Veronica laugh at Archie’s costume.
Archie confronts Reggie over his fake bravery, citing the werewolf incident. Reggie asks where Archie was during that, despite the fact that Archie just said he saw it. Archie’s about to tell him to shut the fuck up, but then he turns into a werewolf inside the costume. How the hell does that work? It’s not like the moonlight can get in there.
Reggie’s a bit weirded out for a moment but then says Veronica promised the last dance to him. Jughead notices the moon:
Again, how is this an issue? They’re indoors! If it’s the fact that it’s a full moon, then I got news for you: it’s full even when obscured by clouds!
Anyway, Archie howls, flaps his wings, and runs away.
Reggie yells for the “turkey” to come back.
Veronica and Betty are impressed by Archie’s “wereturkey” costume.
Archie runs into the the hallway and hides. Reggie comes looking for him, telling him to take his “medicine”. Translation: he wants to kick Archie’s ass for…reasons.
While hiding, Archie worries, if Veronica sees him like this, she’ll never dance with him. Priorities, dude.
Reggie somehow finds the exact room that Archie’s hiding in and is like “Get the fuck out here now, asshole!”
Despite this, Reggie fucking karate-chops the door down. Bullshit!
He runs towards Archie, yelling “Hi-yah!” The others briefly sneak a peek. Reggie then promptly runs away from Archie, again yelling “Hi-yah!” Okay, that was kinda funny. But why’s Reggie afraid, exactly? For all that he knows, Archie’s just wearing one costume under another.
Eugene asks if Archie learned kung fu. Um, why mention a different martial art?
Archie tries to open the window and get out.
His werewolfism starts to wear off. Ain’t that a lucky break? What would he do otherwise?
Veronica has seen him detransform and confronts him over it. Archie “explains” it away by saying the costume is “moldy”, and Jughead finds that hilarious. What the fuck kind of explanation is that?
Archie takes Veronica to have the last dance.
Jughead tells Archie to ask them to play Archie’s song: “The Funky Turkey”. Jughead then promptly runs away.
Dumbass that he is, Archie leaves Veronica to chase after Jughead.
This segment was okay. It’s decent enough to include in an Archie Halloween marathon. But the werewolf rules – yes, I realize it’s fantasy – don’t make sense. At the very least, the segment’s title establishes Archie’s age at the time. I suppose this makes Archie (and, by extension, the rest of the gang) a sixth- or seventh-grader on this series.
Tune in next Wednesday!