Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 32 – I Was a Teenage Vampire

Writer: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Thursday, February 10, 2000
Length: 22:16

I’m sorry that this is so late. My job responsibilities – and thus my schedule – recently changed, and my browser has been acting up recently.

The episode opens with a bat and red mist arriving at an old, abandoned mansion.

By the way, as the mist is making its way through the mansion, the picture goes black for 8 frames (though the audio remains). Not sure if that’s a problem in the original episode or a DVD error of some kind.

The red mist goes down to the basement.

Yeah, Scarlet’s still alive. I told you that her “defeat” at the end of the last episode was different and suspicious. She announces to the other vampire that arrived at the mansion that she’s back. Okaaay. How long’s it been since she was here?

The other vampire chastises her for being late and asks if she’d heard the Master’s call. Angry, she snatches a shovel from him and says she did.

She orders him to get digging, because it’s time to free the Master.

Fade out. Fade in.

The next day, at school, Reggie reads the headline of Archie’s column: “Veronica Lodge Saves the World from Vampires”.

Hehe, Archie even got Veronica to pose for a photo, holding the cross. Reggie is in disbelief.

Veronica makes a joke about Reggie not being the center of attention. Betty washes down her pot brownie with a drink. The two girls laugh.

Reggie reads from the article and asks where he was when all of this happened.

“Like, you snooze, you lose, man. Smoke a joint.”

The girls laugh again. Seriously, I think everyone’s stoned in this scene, but it affects them differently. Anyone wanna look in Betty’s paper bag?

The girls simultaneously greet Archie. He greets them. He asks Veronica why she’s not wearing her Sun Stone.

“Like, total fashion don’t, totally.” Really? But a babushka scarf is a fashion do?

Also, she’s trying to put the vampire stuff behind her.

LOL!

Reggie asks where Veronica’s “magic necklace” is. She says “Safely tucked away.” Archie and Betty make guesses as to where. Veronica says it’s in a shoe box. Reggie asks what’s so safe about that. Betty explains through metaphor, but it basically boils down to “Veronica has a shitload of shoe boxes in her giant-ass closet.”

Veronica tells “Archiekins” that she picked up “the cutest pair of pumps” to wear on their date tonight. Betty shakes her head…for…some reason.

Veronica says Archie’s taking her to La-Cha-Ching for dinner and dancing, which is news to him, but she says he owes her for saving his ass and giving him the story for his latest column. Reggie advises him: “Speak now or forever hold your wallet.” For saving the world from “the unholy hordes of darkness”, Archie agrees to the date.

She tells him to wear his best suit, and she wants his word that he won’t be late. He promises to be there at 8:00 PM sharp. Veronica means it, because Smithers is on vacation, and her parents are going to some charity banquet. Girl, you’ve got a huge mansion to yourself. Invite Archie over for a fuck session! “I did save the world. Don’t you think my pussy deserves to be licked thoroughly, and my asshole deserves to be ripped and reamed by your massive cock?”

Anyway, Veronica claims to be scared of being alone at night. Archie again promises and then gives Veronica his “super-sacred word”. He says she’ll be “as safe as a necklace in a shoe box”.

It’s now twilight, and Scarlet and the other vampire have just now gotten the Master’s coffin out of the ground, which means it took the two of them nearly an entire day to dig that hole. I’m a lazy-ass motherfucker, but even I could have dug that hole in a few hours at most.

The Master, Medlock, wakes up.

Scarlet and Medlock greet each other.

Then Medlock cracks his knuckles and his neck, which makes it really hard to take him seriously as the “Dark Master”.

Medlock seems to be aware that he’s been asleep for centuries. How the fuck does he know?

Anyway, he gives the typical vampire villain speech.

Scarlet and the other vampire also talk about how the sun will set tomorrow, on Halloween, and never rise again. But then Medlock learns Scarlet hasn’t “had the chance to convert” the Ender. The other vampire, who seems to be called Nilnuze (that’s a stupid name), asks Medlock to give him a shot, which angers Scarlet, and Medlock grants it.

Fade out. Fade in.

Again, why is one garage door left open at the Andrews house at night? It’s not safe!

Archie is getting dressed for his date with Veronica.

He then steals some of his mother’s flowers to give to Veronica. Ass.

Archie rushes to the front door and encounters his mom.

Mary wants to take a picture of her “handsome” son. She doesn’t notice her flowers in his hand.

Archie declines, citing his “super-sacred word”. Mary understands, excusing him from the “glamor shots”. But then Archie checks himself out in the mirror and agrees to the pictures, thinking Veronica won’t mind if he’s “just a few minutes late”.

The clock chimes in Lodge Manor, and Veronica is getting bored. She’s also upset at Archie for breaking his word.

More time-wasting at the Andrews house. Even Fred’s gotten in on the action.

Mary finally puts an end to the photos and sends Archie on his way.

Jughead arrives at that moment. Looks like someone finally closed that damn garage door.

Archie rushes out the door and…

…gets sauced.

Archie’s worried about his suit. Jughead’s worried about his dinner. Why the fuck was Jughead just randomly coming over to Archie’s house, anyway?

Archie sniffs the mess and, disgusted, asks what it is.

Jughead says it’s Pop Tate’s newest “culinary delight”, the Roasted, Spicy Garlic Burger.

Archie asks what the fuck he’s doing here. Jughead apologizes and says he thought he’d see if Archie wanted to catch a movie. Who the fuck does that? Don’t people make plans to go to the movies? Even if it’s a last-minute thing, shouldn’t Jughead call Archie instead of walking over to his house?

Anyway, when Archie reveals his dinner plans, Jughead seems to blame him for the way that he looks. Ass. Archie doesn’t know what to do, since this is he only suit.

Archie calls Veronica from Jughead’s house. Rather than explain the situation, he says it’s a “long story” and promises to make it up to her. She says he’s always making promises that he doesn’t keep. She mentions he gave her his super-sacred word and seems to indicate she’s scared to be “all alone” in “this creepy house” at night. Archie tells her to relax, saying nothing’s going to happen to her. She tells him to get here soon.

Archie and Jughead briefly discuss Archie’s appearance.

Veronica’s waiting at the bottom of the staircase again. There’s a knock at the door.

She says come in. Seriously? You’re the one that’s scared, but you’re leaving the front doors unlocked and just inviting anyone in?

The show ruins the suspense by immediately showing no one outside.

Veronica finally opens the doors, sees no one, and closes them. She hears a loud bang and then complains about Archie breaking his promise and her being creeped out and hearing things. Meanwhile, Nilnuze mists into the mansion through a (conveniently) open window.

She doesn’t seem him until it’s too late.

Archie arrives and rings the doorbell. Veronica answers the door. Archie apologizes and offers her the stolen flowers.

It actually takes him a moment to react to this:

How the fuck does he not immediately notice his girlfriend’s a vampire? And why does she still call him “Archiekins”?

Anyway, she criticizes him for being late and for the suit. He again says it’s a “long story”.

She moves in for a bite of his “delicious” body.

He tries to get away but runs into her “new friend”, Nilnuze.

She wants to feast on Archie, but Nilnuze shakes his head. She’s surprised. In typical short-sighted fashion, he says there will be plenty of time for that later. Even as a vampire, Veronica is her usual impatient self. Then she wants to bite Betty and Reggie – but not Jughead. Archie suggests she listen to her new friend.

Nilnuze and Veronica fly away. Archie begs her not to go.

Archie laments what’s happening, believing it’s his fault (due to being late), although Veronica might have been turned after their date. Anyway, he gets in his car and tears off.

A single bat flies overhead.

Fade out. Fade in.

Back at the mansion, Scarlet and Medlock make small talk, because…I guess there isn’t anything to do until the Ender is turned. We learn Medlock is around 900 years old. That means he would have been born around the turn of the 12th century. Also, apparently, vampires age, but they won’t once the Eternal Night falls.

Scarlet pledges to spend eternity by Medlock’s side – even if he grows old and toothless. Medlock says there will never be another one like her.

And then he promptly ditches her for Veronica. Ha.

Veronica kept Nilnuze (in mist form) in her mouth. She breathes him into her clenched fist and then reveals him (in bat form) in the palm of her hand. Just…why? Was Veronica just so eager to make a flashy entrance but didn’t wanna be stuck in Nilnuze’s mouth?

Medlock praises Nilnuze and welcomes his “child” to the fold. Um, he didn’t turn her. Veronica flatters him.

Then Scarlet bitch-slaps Veronica. Veronica is surprised that Scarlet still exists.

It looks like the two of them are about to fight, but Medlock tells Scarlet to lay off their “beautiful new friend”. Medlock and Veronica walk off, complimenting each other and leaving Scarlet pissed off. She won’t put up with this shit. Even Nilnuze laughs at her. Medlock asks Veronica for the Sun Stone.

Nilnuze turns into a bat and flies after them for whatever reason.

Jughead, Betty, and Reggie leave Pop’s, pretending to have an actual conversation. Seriously, it’s weird; they’re not actually talking. Come to think of it, what do these diverse people talk about in normal conversation?

Archie drives right up to them and gets out of the car. Reggie ribs him about the suit.

We learn Jughead has an Uncle Ahern. What’s up with Betty? Do these teens constantly scarf down food at Pop’s, because they’re constantly high?

Anyway, Betty asks Archie about his date with Veronica.

Archie catches his breath and explains what happened. Reggie doubts the story.

Scarlet comes by to confirm it.

Betty, Archie, and Jughead are surprised that Scarlet still exists. Reggie faints.

Then we get this creepy/cool panning shot of Scarlet’s face.

Betty, while taking a step back, brings up Scarlet’s supposed defeat.

Through the use of a flashback, during which there’s a new voiceover of Veronica reciting the incantation (but incorrectly saying “shall” instead of “will”) while aiming the cross at Scarlet (even though she hadn’t done so in the previous episode), Scarlet explains she transformed into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

Seen here: Scarlet not transforming into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

Also, the animation was redone for the flashback (although the differences are almost imperceptible), which seems like a huge waste of time and effort. It also led to this completely avoidable error:

Anyway, Archie assumes she’s back for revenge, but Scarlet wants to help them save their “annoying friend”. Basically, kill Nilnuze, and Veronica turns back to normal.

As she explains this, she throws Archie to the pavement, which is hilarious.

Oh, yeah, they have only one hour before the “vampire spell” becomes permanent. Vampire spell? The fuck?

After expositing stuff that we already know, Betty questions Scarlet’s motive. Scarlet doesn’t wanna spend eternity with “an eternal pain in the neck”. Betty doesn’t trust her. Archie doesn’t either, but he has to try to save Veronica to right his wrong. Scarlet will bring Nilnuze to the high school in a half-hour; she claims they “know what to do”. She turns into mist and takes off.

Fade out. Fade in.

Jughead doesn’t know what to do. Betty is repulsed by Jughead’s garlic burger. Archie tells Jughead to take a breath mint and adds “Those garlic burgers are lethal.”

C’mon, you dumbass, put it together. The answer is literally right in front of you.

Reggie regains consciousness…

…and promptly passes out again from the scent of the garlic burger.

It’s only at this point that Archie gets an idea.

Betty volunteers to help. Archie sends her to find the Sun Stone in Veronica’s closet.

Archie and Jughead toss Reggie in the back seat of Archie’s car. Then they go into Pop’s to “prepare for battle”.

Later, at Riverdale High School, the guys hide behind the Thinker statue and chow down garlic burgers. Reggie’s confused about Archie’s plan.

Archie’s like “Read my column, you dumbass! It’s the garlic!” Does Archie just carry his column around to show off to people? Was he gonna show it off to the patrons and staff of La-Cha-Ching? Veronica would have kicked his ass.

Also, hasn’t Reggie ever seen a vampire movie?

Scarlet brings Nilnuze to the school, reveals his “dinner”, turns into mist, and leaves.

Betty has a difficult task before her.

Nilnuze swats Archie and Jughead aside and goes directly for Reggie…for some reason.

Reggie knows what to do.

Unfortunately, Nilnuze is smart enough to tear off a piece of Reggie’s shirt and stuff it into his mouth.

Veronica chastises Betty for digging through her shit.

Reggie and Nilnuze struggle. Then…

“I can wield this cross like a nunchuk, bitch!”

Veronica tries to take the cross. She also suddenly lapses into broken English for some reason.

Betty and Veronica struggle over the cross.

Veronica is victorious.

The guys are kicking Nilnuze’s ass with their garlic breath.

Scarlet comes by to laugh at his misfortune.

Odd establishing shot, considering Veronica’s bedroom is on an upper floor.

Anyway, with Nilnuze’s defeat, Veronica returns to normal.

She’s momentarily disoriented.

Betty helps her out.

The guys celebrate Nilnuze’s defeat.

Looks like Archie had a little somethin’ else with the burgers. Maybe some of that “Jingle Jangle” that Reggie’s been selling on “Riverdale”.

Scarlet takes off, worried about “Master”.

Archie wonders about Veronica and Betty, but he says it in such a way that he’s realizing something. Not sure what, though. I mean, if Veronica got to Betty and bit her, both of them should have reverted upon Nilnuze’s defeat.

Only now does Veronica say the incantation. What’s taking her so damn long?

“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand shall end the night.”

Despite Veronica misspeaking, the cross fires…

…and turns Medlock old. Okaaay…

The Sun Stone shatters.

The girls don’t know what to make of this.

Scarlet arrives, shocked to see Medlock.

The guys arrive. Archie goes straight to Veronica. Betty doesn’t seem to mind…much.

Scarlet walks off with Medlock.

Jughead wants to burger their asses, but Archie lets them go, reasoning the Master won’t be causing any more trouble. Um, both he and Scarlet are still vampires, dude.

That night / The next morning (by which point, the full moon had waned to half), Archie declares in his column that the vampires are “no longer a threat”. Scarlet loves Medlock just the same and keeps her word to take care of him.

Archie will never forgot how he almost lost Veronica due to breaking one little promise.

He vows to always keep his word – and his super-sacred word…

…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was another cool episode. Veronica took a back seat but managed to come back at the end (because of Archie, Jughead, and Reggie) to defeat Medlock (with help from Betty). It really was a team effort this time.

Tune in next Wednesday!