Comics – Ice Creamed

AGSM-588
Writer: Frank Doyle
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo, Jr.
Inking: Jim DeCarlo
Original Publication: Archie Giant Series Magazine, No. 588
Cover Date: October, 1988
Length: 6 pages

I’m sorry that this is late. I’d been busy with other things. See the end of the review for an explanation.

During a hot summer, the gang gathers in the park. Betty and Veronica complain about the heat. Even a nearby dog is passing out from heat stroke. Naturally, Betty is barefoot and standing on the scorching pavement, and that’s okay. Veronica claims she “glows” instead of “sweats”, but she’s not fooling anyone. Also, the writer she puts her last name in quotes. I think that’s meant to show stress, but it’s incorrect.

Anyway, Veronica has the idea to go to the mall for the air conditioning and indoor ice rink. Betty’s all for it and suggests spending the day, shopping, and beating the heat, but Archie and Jughead aren’t up for it. The girls leave in a hurry.

Jughead grudgingly admits it was a good idea. Archie says they’ll go after lunch, so they won’t have to pay for the girls’ lunches. Jughead claims that would never occur to him. Archie says Ronnie’s got some old-fashioned ideas, and he’s “short on bread”. What teen called money “bread” in 1988?

Before we move on, I need to comment on Jughead’s hat. It’s not the typical crown in this story. He’s wearing a regular grey hat with the front and back of the brim turned up. He still has the typical two pins on it (though the artist forgot about them after the second page). I noticed it and thought it was a fun variant on the typical hat.

Later, at the mall, after a “great lunch”, Betty’s eager to ice-skate. She’s still walking around barefoot, which I’m sure is a violation of the mall’s policy. Veronica calls Betty “Cooper”, which is odd.

Anyway, the girls suck at ice-skating, being no better than the last time that they’d tried it, and they land on their asses. A girl skates by and says they can flatten them by dieting, which is rude as fuck. It turns out that the girl is the rink’s skating instructor, and she continues to insult the girls.

The guys show up. Veronica figured they’d show up after lunch. Archie puts on skates, but Jughead decides to sit it out.

Archie’s a klutz. The instructor eagerly rushes over to catch him, letting go of the girls. She wasn’t seen in the previous panel with the girls, and she definitely wasn’t holding on to Veronica. Betty had her right hand on Veronica’s back. Maybe the instructor was holding on to Betty from off the right side of the panel? Really odd. Anyway, the girls fall on their asses again and are pissed.

The instructor cozies up to “cute and clumsy”, which Archie seems a bit offended by. The instructor wants “lover” to hold her really tight, and she’ll do likewise. Veronica’s pissed at the “man-eater” for dumping them for Archie (yeah, that’s how she phrases it). I should mention Betty has a couple skating jokes in this scene.

Jughead tells the girls that they’re wearing the skates on the wrong part of their anatomy, which irritates Veronica. Betty looks at him like “What the fuck?” I’m with Betty. Seriously, what’s Jughead on about?

Anyway, Jughead, wearing skates, gets in the rink to “handle” the situation. Veronica tells him to get the fuck out. Jughead skates circles around the instructor and Archie, and the instructor falls on her face. The big-shot rink owner (an older, balding man) shows up for one panel to suggest a skating lesson for “Ms. Snidley”, because Jughead made her look like a “rank amateur”. She’s nervous and/or embarrassed.

Veronica and Betty hug Jughead. Veronica kisses him on the cheek and professes her love for him. Betty tells him that he made her day.

Later, at Pop’s, Veronica serves “Juggie, baby” an ice cream soda and (blue) burgers and promises him anything that he wants – on them. Betty, rubbing her aching ass, suggests “luv” consider this to be a kind of standing ovation. She still isn’t wearing any goddamn shoes or socks, which is not only unsanitary but also unsafe.

Archie is sitting in the booth, too, ignored. At the counter, Pop and a random customer watch the scene in confusion. I’m with them.

So…what the fuck was that? A fun slice-of-life story ended with Jughead demonstrating a previously hidden talent for ice-skating (it’s funny, because he’s a lazy-ass motherfucker that constantly eats, get it?) in order to show up the boyfriend-stealing skating instructor. What’s the story behind that? Has Jughead been at this rink before and witnessed her behavior, and that’s why he decided to sit it out at first, because he knew what would happen and wanted to surprise everyone?

And why is Archie tagging along for the congratulatory feast at Pop’s? And why are Riverdale’s businesses so lax in their footwear policies?

The inside-back cover has a “Dear Betty & Veronica” advice column.

For the past four months, I’d been working on a fanfic based on Sabrina the Teenage Witch called “Perfect Trust”. It’s a continuation of the 1996-2003 TV series and basically functions as season 8. It’s a Sabrina/Roxie romance story. It’s pretty long, but, if it’s something that you might be interested in, you can read it here or here. Also, you can check out my Sabrina’s Secret Life fanfic, “Lightning in the Dark”, here or here.

That’s it for 2017. Have a Happy New Year. Tune in next Wednesday!

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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