The New Archies, Segment 21 – Incredible Shrinking Archie

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 21, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens at Pop’s. It’s Veronica’s birthday. Betty surprises her with a present. Veronica has a funny line: “Oh, Betty! You should have!”

I guess Betty figured, if Veronica hasn’t yet realized she needs more than one shirt, she should buy it for her.

Veronica has a whole “collection” of new clothes (which she will never wear), and she apparently has Smithers follow her around with it in case of additional gifts. Now that this rack is full, he will load it onto the truck with her other gifts.

Archie randomly announces he’s broke and can’t buy Ronnie anything. Um, you sure you wanna announce that within earshot, dude?

Jughead says he got Veronica “the ultimate gift”: a deluxe burger with a bow on top.

Reggie buys Veronica a big bottle of her favorite kind of perfume: expensive. I like how Alyson Court says “expensive”. It’s the little touches like this that make the difference.

Reggie puts Archie on the spot regarding his present. Archie tries to hype up his non-present but is forced to say he’ll give it to her “later” at her yacht party.

Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Archie’s having shit luck trying to make perfume for Veronica. At least, I think that’s what he’s making; he doesn’t specify.

Jughead feels weird.

Oh, shit, it looks like Archie accidentally invented…shrinking gas. Yeah, bullshit!

Archie says they gotta made a remedy. He and Jughead climb up the broom to the table.

Jughead gets easily distracted from their objective.

Archie finds a warning label (which he somehow didn’t notice before) on the shit that he was using. Bullshit! Also, the word “permanent” is left off the label, but Archie reads it anyway.

Jughead (way too easily) removes the label and reads the list of antidote ingredients: garlic, pepperoni, onions, anchovies, olives, ice cream, pickles, cheese, seltzer, and one peanut.

According to Archie’s watch, it’s 3:00 PM. Is it a school day? If so, when does school let out, and what time were they at Pop’s? If not, why was Archie let in and allowed to use school equipment to make perfume for Veronica?

Anyway, Jughead wants them to go to his house to make the antidote, but…

…a hitherto-unmentioned-and-unseen cat suddenly attacks!

How fucking lazy is Jughead that he lets his socks get this worn out? He says he knew he should have changed them, but what good would that do? It’s his shoes that came loose.

After some more antics with the cat, the guys slide down the broom (bullshit) and…run in place for a bit (what?), allowing the cat to jump down to the floor. Then they run away. What the hell was that about?

They fall into a rat hole and land beneath the school.

Oh, shit.

The spider catches them in its webbing, but…

…they somehow manage to tie it up.

Archie realizes they’re lost, but Jughead vows to get them out of here, or his “name isn’t Jughead Jones”. Um, it isn’t. It’s Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.

They wander around for a bit.

Oh, shit!

The guys are cornered, so…

Yeah, that’ll work.

Actually, it does, because the rat runs into a wall and then just…gives up.

Archie uses the “cape” to cover just one of the rat’s eyes.

Due to shitty continuity, both eyes are covered in the next shot.

Anyway, the plan is to hop on the rat while it’s blinded, so they can get a free ride. I mean it’s not like the rat can feel them climbing onto it or anything.

The rat throws them through another rat hole, sending them outside. Well, isn’t that convenient?

Archie and Jughead do a little dance, Archie doing his best Tony Manero impression, and then they head for Jughead’s house to make the antidote. Not sure how they plan to get there in less than two hours. Wouldn’t it be better to head for any restaurant or house and ask for help?

They climb the fence and make it to the sidewalk, where they have to avoid some running kids. Then they see…

Jughead and Archie take cover in someone’s pants. Archie calls out to Veronica and Betty, but they don’t hear him.

Betty asks Reggie where Archie and Jughead are. He guesses getting into hot water.

Nope, cold water.

Fortunately, a paper cup passes by and become their “life boat”.

Jughead notes this “river” flows past Archie’s house, and they can jump off there.

Except they fall through a drain, go briefly through the sewer, and come out again who knows where. Oops.

Jughead notes they have only twenty minutes left to get big again. Wow, they must have spent a lot of time wandering around under the school.

Archie spots Veronica’s yacht (although it isn’t identified as such yet) and paddles toward it.

My copy of this segment then goes black for 7 frames. I don’t think it’s a commercial break.

Anyway, they climb on board, and Jughead calls to the gang for help.

Of course, they don’t hear him.

Archie and Jughead push open an unmarked door and end up in the kitchen. Maybe one or both of them knew where it was?

Archie tells Jughead to hand him the stuff on the list, and he’ll dump it into the blender. Jughead way-too-easily gets all of the ingredients (which are right there) except the one peanut that they need to add before the seltzer.

Suddenly, they overhear Veronica accusing Reggie of hogging the peanuts and Reggie swearing innocence. Archie and Jughead rush outside. Reggie insults Archie.

Archie decides to get back at him.

Reggie takes Veronica by the hand and suggests they take a stroll, but…

Ouch. That cake was lit.

Archie instructs Jughead to fix Reggie’s shoelaces (why?), says he’ll meet him back here, and runs off.

Veronica tells Reggie that he’s so clumsy as she offers him a handkerchief. Wow, she’s taking the destruction of her birthday cake uncharacteristically well. If this was the comics, she would have beaten the shit out of him.

Archie fulfills his fantasy of getting Reggie’s pants off. Reggie vows to sue his tailor.

Veronica and Betty have a laugh at his expense.

Archie and Jughead get in Reggie’s pocket. Reggie fixes his clothes and stands up. Veronica wants to dance.

Archie and Jughead get their hands on Reggie’s peanut – and destroy his jacket pocket at the same time. Veronica tells Reggie to get a new “sweater”. How can Veronica Lodge not know the difference between a sweater and a jacket?

Then a dog chases Archie and Jughead, and the guys have to toss Reggie’s peanut back and forth (for some reason) while running to the kitchen. Archie checks his watch and says they have two minutes.

The dog runs into Smithers (who seems to address it by name, but I can’t understand it), knocking him over.

The dog gives the guys a lift.

After they get the peanut into the bowl, Archie adds the seltzer.

Jughead, for some fucking reason, feels the need to karate-kick the Start button (which, contrary to common sense, is not the green one).

Thirty seconds after Archie says they have two minutes, it seems time’s up.

Naturally, this combination of ordinary ingredients creates a stinky green gas.

A dejected Jughead kicks the Stop button (the green one, obviously).

Jughead and Archie share a tender moment after they return to normal size (that clock was obviously fast).

Their friends come in. Veronica is surprised to see them.

There’s a bit of banter. Then Reggie points out that Archie didn’t get Veronica a present.

Archie fucks around for a bit and then gives Veronica a cup of the antidote, declaring it to be “a one-of-a-kind perfume” made just for her. What an asshole.

Veronica sniffs it and declares the “perfume” smells delicious (even though it had smelled horrible to the guys earlier), not seeing through Archie’s bullshit. She dabs some on herself.

Jughead steals it from her (asshole) and adds it to a salad. Wait, wait, wait, since when does Jughead eat salad?

Anyway, the dog licks the remnants out of the cup.

Jughead declares the “perfume” tastes great.

His friends yuck it up, because…that’s funny? Anyway, what’s up with Reggie? It looks like he doesn’t know what to make of Jughead eating “perfume”. Oh, well, the story’s over.

This segment was okay. Typical cartoon sci-fi plot. Realistically, due to all of the poor decisions that Archie and Jughead made, they never would have beaten the two-hour deadline, but this is The New Archies, where two hours pass in seven minutes, and all is well.

Tune in next Wednesday!