Writers: Greg Murray (pages 1-12), Daniel King (pages 13-20*)
Art: Joe Eisma (pages 1-12, 18-20*), Thomas Pitilli (pages 13-17)
Colors: Andre Szymanowicz
Letters: John Workman
Original Publication: Riverdale, No. 2
Cover Date: June, 2017
On-Sale Date: May 3, 2017
Length: 19 pages*
*Think about that. Also, I’d never come across a single comic story that required two writers and two artists. What in the actual fuck?
Before the story, there’s a recap of the previous issue on the credits page.
Wow, they’re not being at all subtle, are they?
Okay, so the title basically gives away the plot, but here it is, anyway. Archie, Josie, Jughead, Veronica, and Betty report to Riverdale High School on Saturday morning at 7:15 AM for detention in the library. Okay, I’d never heard of Saturday detention outside The Breakfast Club. Is that an actual thing? Hell, I never even heard of detention when I was in high school. It was either in-school suspension or out-of-school suspension. I got in-school suspension twice in middle school. Basically, we’d sit in a room and silently work on transcribing magazines of subjects roughly corresponding to our actual classes throughout the day. So, for example, during the time that I’d have P.E., I’d have to transcribe an article from a fitness magazine or whatever. Ah, good old room 118, its very mention striking fear into the heart of whoever was summoned there over the intercom.
Anyway, the gist is there was a food fight in the cafeteria yesterday (a.k.a. “Foodgate”), and Mr. Weatherbee has “reason to believe” they all played a role. Archie insists he didn’t do anything wrong. If Weatherbee can get the person(s) responsible to fess up, he’ll send “everyone” home right now. Um, including whoever’s responsible? We learn Mr. Weatherbee has an 8:00 AM spin class with someone named Racquel.
Anyway, no one says anything. Mr. Weatherbee has them turn over their cell phones, and he lays down the rules. Veronica demands to speak to her attorney. Josie’s missing rehearsal. Weatherbee specifically seems to suspect Betty. She says she doesn’t know anything.
At 7:21 AM, Weatherbee leaves, saying they’ve got 7 hours and 39 minutes left to go. So no one’s gonna watch them? And how are they gonna get their phones back? And why’d they bring their phones in the first place?
Archie suspects Josie, claiming she’s “threatened” by him. Josie dismisses “Ginger-vitus”. Archie decides to write down exactly how everything went down.
Archie’s account: Archie has decided to get over his “crippling” fear of performing in public by playing his guitar in the cafeteria. Melody heard him practice in the music room and says he’s good. Valerie adds he’s cute. He performs a song called “Spaceman”. He doesn’t get very far before he’s hit with food, and the “food fight to end all food fights” begins.
Archie wants everyone to sign his “accurate account” and take it to Weatherbee as a “united front”. Josie tells “Norma Rae” that no one actually saw who threw the food at him. She then pairs everyone to their Breakfast Club counterparts: Betty is the brain, Archie is the athlete, Jughead is the basket case, Josie is the princess, and Veronica is the criminal. Veronica wants Archie to add the following to his account:
Veronica’s account: Veronica and Kevin are sitting at a table in the cafeteria to get sign-ups for the gay/straight alliance, but it’s really just her way of getting him a date. They’re having no luck. Reggie comes by and wants to start up a “straight/straight alliance” with Veronica. Veronica declines. Reggie offers to give Kevin a gay football player’s number in exchange for Veronica’s number. Knowing Reggie’s talking about a “sweet” overweight dude named “Billy the Fridge”, Kevin declines, referencing Of Mice and Men. Reggie loudly calls them teases and defends “the Fridge”. He then gets hit by food.
While Veronica is upset about herself and her “best gay” being called teases, she admits to nothing except participating. Veronica accuses Betty of starting the food fight. Archie disagrees, but Betty tells him to write this down:
Betty’s account: With the River Vixens, writing and editing stories for The Blue and Gold, and acting as Mr. Weatherbee’s personal assistant (for some fucking reason; I guess it’s something that her mom thought would look good on her college application), she doesn’t have much free time, so she uses her 30-minute lunch (what kind of school gives only a half-hour for lunch?) to read. She reads The Story of O behind her Chemistry book. Jughead catches her. She explains it was banned this year. Cheryl comes by and makes fun of the Bughead pairing, and I love her all the more for it.
So Cheryl’s here with her besties, Ginger and Tina. Cheryl references Ghost World. Jughead calls Cheryl the Bride of Chucky. Betty reminds Cheryl that she’s not doing her Chem homework for her. Um, both of them are supposed to be in Biology. Anyway, Cheryl’s fine with that. There’s some banter between the three of them, and Cheryl wonders why “vestal virgin” Betty is reading this book, asking if the Fifty Shades trilogy isn’t enough for her “repressed brain”. Jughead makes fun of her, but Betty decides to actually take the time to explain to Cheryl about book banning and how she’s writing an expose for The Blue and Gold about it.
Cheryl finds a note in the book, indicating it’s a gift that Jason had given to Polly. She’s surprised. She goes off about “freaky-deaky”, “sexually perverted” Polly, despite the fact that Jason was the one that gave her the book. She goes off on Betty, referencing The 120 Days of Sodom. Betty digs her fingernails into her palms but manages to restrain herself. Cheryl tosses Betty’s book to her and warns her to be careful lest she get sent away as well. That’s when Betty throws potato salad at the back of Cheryl’s head (Jughead tries to cover for her, taking the blame, but I immediately saw through it). Moose yells “Food fight!” It begins. Cheryl vows to hang Betty and Jughead “like a banner from the gym rafters!!!” Weatherbee shuts it all down before she can get to them, though.
So Jughead takes the credit, and everyone signs Archie’s written account. They present it to Weatherbee. Archie says he had zero role in the food fight, but Weatherbee points out that an impromptu concert is still against the rules. I’m not quite sure that’s worth a Saturday detention, but whatever.
After they leave Weatherbee’s office, all of them except Josie decide to go to Pop’s for burgers and shakes. Josie can still make rehearsal (just how long is it?). Archie takes this as proof that she’s threatened by him. Betty quietly asks Jughead why he covered for her. He has a soft spot for people that oppose book banning, and he insults her throwing capability. She challenges him to an arm-wrestling contest, and he takes it back.
At Pop’s, it looks like twilight or whatever, despite the fact that it’s supposed to be shortly after 3:00 PM. Anyway, they all order breakfast items (Veronica’s is extra fancy). Is this supposed to be the same day? Or did they all just decide to reunite at Pop’s again on Sunday morning? Whatever. Betty declares they really are the Breakfast Club. There’s some more banter.
Cheryl and her besties are sitting in a nearby booth. Tina asks her what she’s thinking. Ginger mentions an incident where Cheryl had made them steal pigs from Farmer Henty’s Farm. Sipping her drink, Cheryl says “I’m thinking I see happiness…I want to destroy it.”
The final caption promises: “Next: Destruction!”
This was a nice, fun story. Cheryl’s blow-up is ironic, knowing what she goes through in season 2.
After the story is a six-page Character Guide (comparing the comic and TV versions of the characters), a one-page cover gallery, an ad for the Road to Riverdale trade paperbacks, an ad for the The Archies one-shot comic, and the cover for the next issue.
Tune in next Wednesday!