Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Rudy Lapick*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 23
Cover Date: June, 1999
Length: 5 pages
*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.
Before I get into the story, I want to address some material earlier in this issue, which, due to my reviewing “Friendly Fire” from homemade scans, I didn’t make note of in that review. Between Parts 1 and 2, there’s a page of “Cheryl Blossom Sunroom Swimsuits” fashions submitted by fans. Between Parts 2 and 3, there’s a page of fan art.
All of Cheryl’s outfits in this story are by Hillary Child of Lansing, Michigan.
Cheryl is lounging on a chair in her room and excitedly checking out the lip gloss making kit that she’d ordered from her Dee-La’s catalog. Meanwhile, Sugar is checking out the packing peanuts that have fallen out of the box. Cheryl has pictures of herself (actually, just the same picture repeated) on her wall as well as a large picture of Sugar (complete with her name). She has blossom wallpaper and a lamp with a funky shade. A continuity error has Cheryl at a yellow table briefly before being back in her chair. Anyway, the kit has a bunch of fruit flavors (Sugar is eager to try them out). Cheryl decides to use Archie as a “guinea pig” to test her “concoction”. She wonders what flavor would be the most irresistible.
Back at the yellow table (which is a distance from her chair), Cheryl, a bit full of herself, decides to use all of the flavors, including strawberry, watermelon, peach, and cherry. Sugar, standing up on her hind legs, is watching and basically like “What the fuck you doin’, you crazy bitch?”
A few hours later, Cheryl calls Archie and invites him to meet her down at the mall, because she wants to “try out something new” on him. He has Jughead (who’s watching TV) over and mentions this to him. Archie’s excited and in love, but Jughead smells trouble and decides to come with him, because, y’know, that’s a perfectly normal thing to do (about as normal as ditching your friend at your own house to meet a girl at the mall, which I assume was Archie’s intention). Archie’s like “Whatevs.”
Later, at the mall, Archie’s orgasming over Cheryl, even though she looks no different than usual and isn’t wearing anything particularly special. Jughead’s unimpressed. Cheryl checks her watch and notes Archie is “on time as usual”. Ahahahahahaha! One of the most undeserved compliments ever! Jughead thinks Archie’s making an ass of himself over Cheryl. Cheryl asks Archie if he notices anything “irresistible” about her. He mentions her hair and “sparkling” eyes.
She points out her lips, which he calls “luscious”. Jughead frantically gives out a “B V alert”. Veronica alerts Betty to Cheryl being “up to her old tricks again”. Oh, we’re back to that old thing where Cheryl and Archie agreeing to go out constitutes Cheryl being “up to her old tricks”? This is, in no way, a normal reaction. Speaking of abnormal reactions, Betty positively freaks out over Cheryl about to kiss Archie, even though she regularly shares Archie with Veronica. Jughead shoves Archie away and tells him to run. Veronica and Betty get him. An art mistake results in Veronica’s shirt disappearing from under her dress for one panel before reappearing. Yeah, Veronica’s wearing a red sleeveless dress (way too dressed up for the mall) over a white shirt, and Betty’s wearing a Hello Kitty crop top. Anyway, Jughead is relieved, saying “That was close!”, even though he had told Archie to run as the girls were approaching. So…why was he worried, and why is he not worried now? Anyway, Archie compliments the girls’ looks, but Betty knows he’s just trying to cover his ass.
Cheryl’s pissed. Jughead smells something good (including bananas and cherries) and realizes “that scrumptious aroma” is coming from Cheryl’s lips, which freaks her out. Meanwhile, Archie has fed Veronica and Betty a bullshit story that Cheryl and Jughead were meeting, and Archie was going along to play video games. They don’t buy it. Then they see a lustful Jughead chasing after a frightened Cheryl. Veronica tells Archie that they’ll never doubt him again, and Betty gives him some loving. Archie’s satisfied.
Much like “Brotherly Love”, this story is ruined by a bad ending, where Cheryl is made out to be the bad guy simply for dating Archie. Also, Veronica and Betty are idiots for believing Cheryl has any interest in Jughead, especially since they had just seen her about to kiss Archie and would have seen/heard Jughead shoving Archie away and telling him to run.