Writer: Frank Doyle*
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo Jr.*
Inks: Jim DeCarlo*
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Archie, No. 325
Cover Date: September, 1983
Length: 5 pages
*I don’t have the original issue and am reviewing this story from the digital version of Archie’s Love Showdown Special, No. 1 (1994), which is, confusingly, called “Love Showdown, Chapter 5”. I don’t know if anything was censored or otherwise altered for this reprint. The story might originally be uncredited. The credits come from Grand Comics Database (citing Archie 75th Anniversary Digest, No. 9) and may or may not be accurate.
Cheryl is driving along when she comes across Archie and Betty, the latter of which is picking flowers from a bush on someone’s lawn. So I guess this is Betty’s house (or, at least, I hope it is). What’s weird is Cheryl is standing in her convertible. Is she driving like that, or could she just not wait to get out of her car before standing up straight? Anyway, Cheryl makes fun of “Little Mary Sunshine” and offers herself to Archie as the “spice” alternative to Betty’s “sugar”. Betty asks Cheryl why she has such as mean mouth (note: Betty’s flowers disappear for the rest of the story after this panel with no explanation). Cheryl says “Why, bless my soul, honey chil’!” That…sounds really weird. One thing that I absolutely do not imagine Cheryl being is Southern. Oh, and it seems Cheryl started the trend of wearing yoga pants, judging by the prominence of her very shapely ass.
Anyway, Cheryl keeps piling on the “insults” of Betty being sweet, pissing her off. Y’know, Cheryl’s going on about it wrong, but she does have a point: Betty is a bit too unrealistically sweet and caring at times. Anyway, Archie suggests he and Betty leave, but Betty refuses, because she wants to insult Cheryl, which pisses her off. Oh, we learn the full name of Cheryl’s school is the Pembrooke Academy for Young Ladies and Gentlemen. After hearing some of Betty’s insults, Archie thinks she (or both she and Cheryl) is nuts.
Archie yells at them to shut the fuck up. Cheryl tells Archie to shut the fuck up and makes an awesome E.R.A. joke. After Cheryl yells at Archie some more, Betty yells at Cheryl. Cheryl insults her. Archie screams at both of them that they’re being childish. He asks them if they’ve ever considered being friends. Cheryl is open to it.
Betty is surprised at that. Cheryl re-affirms it to “sweetums”, but she’s open to it only because she doesn’t consider Betty to be competition. Betty’s stunned at that. Archie “tries” to “stick up” for Betty by admitting Betty doesn’t turn him on all of the time. Betty flips her shit and suggests Archie not try to help. Archie is, of course, clueless as to why she’s angry. Cheryl continues on about Betty’s qualities, adding she’s dull.
Cheryl and Betty get into a pissing contest over who can be more “entertaining” at a movie. Hmmm, why don’t the two of you go out on a date together and put it to the test? Cheryl gets in a funny insult: “You’re about as entertaining as a shot of novocaine!” Archie’s like “Fuck this shit” and goes to Pop’s to complain to Jughead about women.
This story was reprinted as a flashback within the “Love & War” story in Archie’s Love Showdown Special, No. 1, in 1994.