Comics – Fall Guys

AGSM-530.jpg
Writer: Frank Doyle*
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo*
Inks: Jimmy DeCarlo*
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Archie Giant Series Magazine, No. 530
Cover Date: September, 1983
Length: 6 pages

*I don’t have the original issue and am reviewing this story from the digital version of Cheryl Blossom Special, No. 3 (1995). I don’t know if anything was censored or otherwise altered for this reprint. The story might originally be uncredited. The credits come from Grand Comics Database and may or may not be accurate.

Betty and Archie are wrestling on a blanket on the beach, much to Veronica’s displeasure. Jason and Cheryl arrive. This is one of the few stories where Cheryl has an “n” (or upside-down “u”) nose instead of the triangle nose that Betty and Veronica have. Anyway, Jason explains: Archie and Betty challenged him and Cheryl to a wrestling match. Jason will wrestle Archie, and Cheryl will wrestle Betty. Both Jason and Cheryl are self-assured of their victories.

Betty engages in some trash talk. Cheryl wants to punch her, but Jason stops her and advises her to wait until the match, saying it’ll feel better. Cheryl agrees. Reggie comes by, wearing a speedo and a cowboy hat, destroying a little girl’s sand castle. He asks what’s going on. Veronica fills him in while simultaneously insulting all four people involved. Reggie asks Archie when this “fight of the century” is going to take place. Ronnie asks where. It seems that hasn’t been worked out, so Archie and Jason settle for anyplace and anytime.

Reggie offers himself and Ronnie to make the arrangements. Archie and Jason agree without consulting the girls. Reggie says they have to abide by their decisions. Jason and Archie give their word without consulting the girls. As Reggie and Veronica walk away, Ronnie points out that she has no interest in this bullshit match. Reggie says she will and cites “the latest twist in the wrestling game”. Ronnie immediately understands and is orgasmic over the idea. I guess this was a timely reference that just doesn’t work anymore. Oh, the little girl is rebuilding her sandcastle while her mom or big sister or whoever slathers suntan lotion on herself.

Reggie takes Ronnie to an empty lot next to his house, brings over a hose, and lets the water run for a full day. I’m sure absolutely no one that’s affected by this will raise any objections.

The next day, a mud pit has formed. Reggie will stake out the ring, and he tasks Ronnie with rounding up the wrestlers. Yeah, I’m sure they’ll drop what they’re doing and come right over.

They do, actually. Jason and Archie are upset over the mud, but Reggie reminds them of their word.

The match begins. Archie tackles Jason. Betty grabs Cheryl by the arm, lifts her over her head, and slams her into the mud. The fight soon gets out of control (with Ronnie and Reggie having too much fun to enforce any kind of rules). We don’t even know who’s beating the shit out of who. Ronnie praises Reggie’s plan as the fight continues.

Jason and Cheryl quit, Jason because the fight is “too sordid” and Cheryl because the “harsh” mud is destroying her “fine, tender hair”. Archie tries to claim he beat Jason. Betty hurls an elementary-school insult at Cheryl. Cheryl and Jason go off somewhere to hose each other down. Archie and Betty are thrilled. To show their thanks, Betty hugs Reggie, and Archie hugs Veronica, getting them muddy.

So, um, this story was about two girls that got dragged into a stupid mud-wrestling match by the men in their lives. Team Barchie “proved its superiority” over Team Chason not so much by being better fighters but rather by Team Chason realizing this was fucking stupid.

This story was reprinted as a flashback within the “It’s Their Miserable Lives!” story in Cheryl Blossom Special, No. 3, in 1995.

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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