Story: Victor Gorelick
Writer: Angelo Decesare
Pencils: Jeff Shultz
Inks: Rich Koslowski
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Archie Comics Double Digest, No. 302
On-Sale Date: September 4, 2019
Length: 5 pages
Why is Hot Dog, not Vegas, holding Archie’s scepter?
On May 8, 2019, Archie is sitting in the living room, eating popcorn, and watching BBC News (as all American teenagers do). He gets positively orgasmic when the new royal baby‘s name is announced. He calls his parents. Mary and Fred come into the room, and Archie tells them that the royal baby is named after him. Fred points out the logical flaw in this statement.
Archie runs out to “tell everybody about this”. Why can’t he just text them? Fred complains about Archie not doing chores.
Archie arrives at Pop’s and tells Betty, Veronica, Reggie, and Jughead. Jughead and Reggie make jokes. Archie rushes off to tell more people. He’s full of himself and refers to his car and four tires as his “coach and four footmen”.
Later, at home, Archie’s video-chatting with “Grandma Andrews”. He tells her that, someday, there might be a King Archie. Um, not unless a bunch of really tragic shit goes down. Mary comes in to tell him that it’s getting late, and he has school tomorrow. He says he’s going to sleep right now. He can’t wait to see the reactions of the students (especially the cheerleaders) to his “royal connection”. Um, Betty and Veronica are usually cheerleaders, and they didn’t have a reaction at all.
So Archie goes to bed and dreams he’s a prince. Grandma Andrews helps him pick a princess. A trumpeter heralds the arrival of a butler with Archie’s “royal breakfast” (royal cold pizza from yesterday’s royal bowling party).
Someone that looks like Smithers asks Archie if he’ll be taking the Rolls Royce or one of his polo ponies to school.
Mary wakes Archie up. He overslept. Archie gets dressed and runs to school. His mom won’t drive him?
Anyway, a bunch of students are out front, chanting “Royal Archie!” Mr. Weatherbee welcomes “Prince Archie” and ribs him about being late (he heard about Archie’s “footmen” nickname for his tires). Archie tries to explain, but Mr. Weatherbee says they will “honor” him.
He has Archie follow the red carpet to the “royal throne room” and has “Sir Jughead” crown Archie “King Archie”. Archie is pleased. Mr. Weather says Archie is the “king of the detention room” for being “a royal pain in the neck”. Um, so, just to be clear, Archie is late to school, so Mr. Weatherbee sets up all of this elaborate shit and then has Archie spend the entire school day in detention. Makes perfect sense.
This story should come as no surprise, considering how Archie took immediate advantage of the situation after the baby’s name was announced:
Still, the actual royal baby is not a prince and will, in fact, be raised as a private citizen.