Writer: Francis Bonnet
Pencils: Bill Galvan
Inks: Ben Galvan
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Archie Comics Double Digest, No. 306
On-Sale Date: January 22, 2020
At Riverdale High School, Archie and Veronica discuss their date for tonight. Ronnie decides to hurry home to find something to wear. Dilton comes by, observing this, and tells Archie that he doesn’t know how he’s “constantly going out on dates with so many different girls”, while Dilton has trouble even talking to them. He asks how Archie became so “knowledgeable” in the field of dating. Archie, full of himself, claims to be a “dating expert”, citing “many years of practice”. Dilton asks permission to come along with Archie on some of his dates and observe him in the hope of learning from him.
Archie agrees and actually gets in a funny line: “Follow my example and pretty soon you’ll be as broke from dating as I am!” Happy, Dilton promises he won’t get in the way.
Date #1: Veronica Lodge
Later, after Archie has (presumably) gone home and changed clothes, he’s driving to Ronnie’s, and Dilton’s riding in the back seat. Archie explains Ronnie loves fish, so he’s taking her to a seafood restaurant tonight. He tells Dilton that it’s always important to be observant and know what your date likes to eat.
When they arrive, Ronnie happily greets Archie but is surprised at Dilton’s presence. Rather than explain it, Archie explains to Dilton the importance of being a gentleman and holding the car door open for your date. He then slams the door on Ronnie’s ass, knocking her into the car, because he’s an unobservant dumbass. He gets in the car, fastens his seatbelt, and apologizes. She’s upset when she learns of their destination, because she fucking hates seafood (and always has) and points out that Archie knows it. He’s dumbfounded. Dilton’s taking notes on his laptop, trying to rationalize this within the confines of “Archie is a dating genius”.
Date #2: Betty Cooper
The next night, Archie picks up Betty and tells Dilton that the shit that went down last night with Ronnie was just a fluke. Dilton seems to buy this. Betty comes outside, greets Archie, and is surprised at Dilton’s presence. As Archie holds the car door open for Betty, he explains. He manages to not slam the door on Betty’s ass (as Dilton points out to Betty) – and instead slams it on his own thumb…somehow.
At the restaurant, Archie brings up something that he forgot to mention yesterday: holding the chair out for your date. To demonstrate, he holds Betty’s chair out too far, and Betty falls to the floor, landing on her ass and crying out in pain. Archie apologizes to Betty and offers to help her up, much to her delight(?!).
Somehow, though, Archie manages to knock over the chair and do…something to the table that causes the tablecloth, (empty) plates, utensils, and (filled) glasses to fall to the floor, despite the fact that they’d just been seated, so the table should be empty. Dilton asks Archie if he should still be taking notes.
Date #3: Cheryl Blossom
The next night, as they’re driving, Cheryl is upset about Dilton’s presence. After some banter (Cheryl really doesn’t wanna hear Dilton), Archie gets out of the car, opens an umbrella (it’s raining), and opens the door for Cheryl. Archie tells Dilton of the importance of keeping your date from getting wet. He then splashes through a puddle and gets her left leg wet. Cheryl is upset.
Archie apologizes to her and tries to dry her leg with a handkerchief, but he hits her in the head with the umbrella, and then a car drives by and gets them both wet. Archie’s still holding out hope, but Cheryl destroys it and declares the date is over. She heads to his car. Art goof: the roof of Archie’s car changes color on this date from blue to white to red. Oh, yeah, Dilton concludes he knows more about dating that Archie, so he must dedicate many more years of research to dating. Yeah, it makes no sense. Whatever. The end.
This was an okay story, but, if these are examples of a typical date with Archie, how does he manage to get any dates anymore? Word would spread around school that his dates are disastrous!