Comics – It Seams Sew Sad

Writer: Frank Doyle*
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo*
Inks: Jim DeCarlo*
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Archie’s T.V. Laugh-out, No. 91
Cover Date: October, 1983
Length: 6 pages

*I don’t have the original issue and am reviewing this story from the PEP Digital #45: The Best of Cheryl Blossom e-book. The story might originally be uncredited. The credits come from Grand Comics Database and may or may not be accurate. An indexer note reads: “When reprinted in Archie & Friends Double Digest (Archie, 2011 series) #29, writing is credited to George Gladir and pencils are credited to Dan DeCarlo Jr.”

Archie’s hanging out with Cheryl somewhere downtown. Veronica comes by with a newspaper and excitedly tells him that the paper just gave a positive review of The Archies in a recent cola commercial that they’d done. Cheryl makes fun of the “townies” and their “taste”. And yet she regularly hangs out with them. Anyway, Ronnie defends her and her family’s taste. Betty runs over and angrily tells Cheryl to knock it the fuck off. Oh, this is one of those stories where Cheryl has that upside-down “u” nose instead of her usual triangle nose.

Anyway, Betty tells Cheryl to run along and not upset their “keyboard virtuoso”, because she has too much on her mind. Cheryl insults Ronnie again. Archie explains Ronnie is out to win the Designers Award given by the Institute of Creative Fashions. Cheryl is surprised (and amused) that Ronnie’s going for it. Betty puts on a faux-sophisticated look and acts snooty as she explains how Ronnie “has no time for petty annoyances”. Cheryl takes issue with that: she’s a “mighty big annoyance”. Betty stands corrected. A shocked Archie interrupts Betty right before she can call Cheryl the town’s biggest pain in the ass. Archie advises Cheryl to go.

Cheryl publicly challenges Ronnie for the award. Jughead walks by in time to make a joke.

At Pembrooke Academy (we know this, because the door of whatever room that Jason’s in has a sign that says so, as unlikely as that may be), Cheryl expresses her regret to Jason. She admits she “can’t sew a stitch” and knows Ronnie will shame her in front of everybody. Jason tells “little sister” to let “big brother” handle it. Wait. Jason’s older? I could have sworn I read somewhere that Cheryl was technically born first.

Anyway, Jason walks around outside and thinks the same stuff that Cheryl had just told him. He decides The Archies are too popular or too big for their britches.

Later, Jason finds two little boys, shows them a white piece of paper, and offers them $10 if they pull off a “little gag”. He wants them to snatch Ronnie’s outfit (he asks if they know her but doesn’t wait for confirmation). One kid is unsure, but the other kid convinces him that a gag isn’t stealing. Jason claims The Archies are his best friends. The reluctant kid agrees. Jason tells them to make sure it’s finished before they grab it.

At night, Jason takes these two kids (who are tweens at best) over to Lodge Manor. The kids watch Ronnie work on her outfit. Lucky for them that she’s working on it in a ground-level room with a window. They wait until she finishes. Ronnie walks off for a “nice cold cola”, because “creating is thirsty work”.

The non-reluctant kid climbs through the window and snatches the dress. He rushes it out to Jason.

Soon, a frantic Ronnie runs outside to Archie, Betty, and Jughead (who are waiting for her) and tells them that the dress has been stolen. As Ronnie keeps crying to Betty, Archie and Jughead talk shit about her sewing skills. Jughead wonders why anyone would steal something that Ronnie sewed. Archie exposits they’re playing the fashion show tonight.

That night (as the caption tells us, even though it was already night), the band’s getting their instruments ready. Ronnie’s still pissed. Betty shakes two fucking tambourines. Cheryl comes by and insults Ronnie’s “tacky threads” while wearing the stolen dress. Ronnie is shocked.

Ronnie accuses Cheryl of theft. Cheryl calls Ronnie jealous to the crowd. The dress, having perfect comedic timing, starts ripping and completely falls apart, leaving Cheryl topless (at the very least) and frantically covering her boobs with her arms. She calls out to Jason. Amidst laughter and joking from the crowd, Jason covers Cheryl in a blanket (or something) from the United States Marine Corps (how random) and leads her away. Archie and Betty enjoy the scene, but Ronnie is still upset (possibly because she’d just publicly admitted to creating the outfit right before it spectacularly fell apart). Cheryl’s upset that Ronnie shamed her anyway – with Jason’s help. Jason tells her to shut the fuck up and walk faster.

Here’s an indexer note from GCDb regarding an alteration that was made to this story in reprints: “In the original version of this story, Cheryl is wearing nothing under the dress when it falls apart (with her arm strategically concealing this fact). In a digest reprint, the panels were re-drawn so she had a slip on.” This digital collection, somewhat surprisingly, has the original version.

This story was okay. One odd note: despite The Archies playing the fashion show, Jughead isn’t in the scene, and Reggie isn’t in the story at all.

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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