Comics – Gigonometry!

Everything's-Archie-one-shotWriter: Fred Van Lente
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Everything’s Archie, No. 1 (one-shot)
On-Sale Date: June 9, 2021
Length: 4

This is a 32-page one-shot that consists mostly of reprints, but it does contain a new lead story. The entire issue retails for $3.99, which seems excessive. Oh, and there are three variant covers (retro, chibi, and New Riverdale).

Archie walks by a music store and gets a raging boner for a red guitar in the display window. His behavior startles a woman, and a boy thinks he’s nuts. Archie declares the guitar must be his. He goes into the store and asks an employee for the cost of the “Turbocaster”.

The employee reveals it’s a “honeypot”, basically the opposite of a bait-and-switch scam. The employee correctly guesses Archie can’t afford the guitar. After seeing the price tag, Archie leaves Guitar Planet in a daze while the employee makes a joke.

Archie walks by Betty, who’s sitting on a wall and reading a book. She asks him what’s wrong. He asks her if he looks poor. Betty responds with this groaner: “You’re rich in awesome, that’s all that matters to me!” Archie isn’t pleased with her response. He calls her his “best friend”, which Betty seems to take as a metaphor for “potential fuckbuddy”. Anyway, Archie mentions his money troubles, so Betty brings up the gig economy, which Archie misunderstands. She explains about the app that she downloaded on her phone, but Archie gets upset when he finds out that actual work is involved.

Betty assures him that “it’s never anything too challenging”. She jokes about how “apps are doing things your mom used to do for you”. Archie signs up and is excited that he immediately gets his first gig. He’s confident that he’ll soon own his dream guitar. Archie thanks Betty and kisses her on the cheek. Betty daydreams about her and Archie together, and the dialogue that ends the story seems to indicate Betty and Archie are not together in any romantic capacity, and it’s strictly a one-way attraction on her part, which is very weird.

This story was okay. It seems like only the beginning of a story. The first half is about Archie wanting to get a guitar; the second half is about Betty helping Archie out and desiring a relationship with him. It seems kinda half-baked.

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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