Writer: Dan Parent
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inking: Jon D’Agostino
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 7
Cover Date: November, 1997
Length: 11 pages
Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.
It’s the first day of school, and Cheryl joyfully announces this fact to her fellow students as they make their way into Pembrooke Academy. Priscilla is annoyed, pointing out the homework, studying, and rules. Cheryl counters with perks, such as willing
slaves boys to carry their books. Priscilla basically says that’s a perk for Cheryl alone.
Priscilla even gets angry and yells at guys when they ignore her in favor of carrying Cheryl’s books. An unnamed blonde girl wants to transfer schools. An orange-haired girl with glasses asks how Cheryl does it. Priscilla eliminates money, since they’re all rich, and guesses Cheryl just has a way of getting what she wants. Cheryl agrees, saying it’s something that she’s always had and calling it kind of a “Blossom trait”. Priscilla asks her to share.
Cheryl likes the idea and says she can start her own “school for losers”. This angers Priscilla and the blonde girl. Cheryl tells them to come to the inn after school, and she’ll “whip [them] into shape”. Glasses says they may regret this.
After school, Priscilla, Glasses, and the blonde girl arrive at the inn. Cheryl has already had a sign printed and hung over the entrance that reads “Cheryl’s School of Being a Winner”. This amazes the girls. They go inside.
Cheryl greets them and asks them if they’re familiar with The Rules. Glasses says yes and asks if they’re going to use it as a guide. Nope. They’ll be using Cheryl’s Rules. Glasses asks Cheryl when she wrote this. Cheryl wrote it in study hall and made copies, which amazes the blonde girl.
The lessons begin. The girl with the glasses is named Marcie. Cheryl asks her for rule #1. It is “Never betray a friendship for a boy, unless the boy is a famous celebrity or has major connections.” Cheryl praises Marcie and then asks Bunny what a girl should always bring with her on a date. Wait, Bunny? That was her name in the 1980s, but, ever since Cheryl returned, her name’s been Priscilla. The sole exception was probably done to be consistent with the 1980s reprint story that they were using as a flashback. Anyway, the answer is “A portable phone, so a friend can call you and get you out of the date if he’s a loser.” Cheryl praises Bunny. The blonde girl asks Cheryl how they can get boys to fall all over them at school. Cheryl says that’s a 3-step plan.
Step 1: Huddle with your friends, giggling and whispering, to make the boys feel insecure. Step 2: Act aloof and preoccupied. Step 3: a specially-mixed secret blend of perfume (Cheryl will supply it). Cheryl has them practice their walk, acting like the hallways are their fashion runways. Bunny’s happy that Cheryl’s showing them this. However, Cheryl is videotaping all of this (which she’ll explain later). She’s making a Cheryl’s Rules how-to video to sell. Um, yeah, good luck selling a video consisting of one static shot from the point of view of an indoor cactus. Jason sees this and thinks Cheryl is making a fool out of the girls (he actually gets a laugh out of this). He decides to stir shit up by calling someone and asking a favor.
On another day, at Pembrooke Academy, a guy named Brad asks the girls what they’re whispering about. Bunny has him carry her books in exchange for thinking about telling him. Cheryl praises Bunny. Cheryl’s cameraman “in disguise” (as in not at all) is taping all of this.
Cheryl thinks she’ll be on every talk show. Jason has brought Cheryl a visitor: Seymour Flopsy. Wait, this asshole?! They brought back him?! Cheryl says she hasn’t seen him in “months“, but the footnote tells the reader to consult an issue from 1995. Does the story address how Cheryl was able to celebrate Christmas in the “months” between last seeing Seymour and the start of the new school year? Of course not! Anyway, Cheryl gets a raging lady-boner for Seymour, shocking the blonde girl. Marcie hopes this is a joke. The blonde girl agrees, because Seymour’s “a nerd squared”.
Bunny fills the girls in on Seymour. Marcie cites Cheryl’s rule about ignoring and attraction. Bunny says it works. Sure, but I doubt Seymour is doing this to make Cheryl interested in him. The blonde girl (who steals Marcie’s glasses for a single panel) points out that Cheryl is making a fool of herself by chasing Seymour around school. She wants to get their “mentor” back in line.
Bunny yells at Cheryl to knock this shit off. She then spells everything out for Cheryl, including what Jason did and why Cheryl is attracted to Seymour. Marcie tells her “sister” that they’re here to help her. Cheryl tells Seymour to fuck off. Seymour leaves, relieved.
The girls do a group high five. Cheryl thanks them for saving her. Marcie says they have to stick together. Cheryl then accidentally reveals the existence of the tape. Marcie spots the cameraman, who she thought looked too old to be a student. The three angry girls ignore him (and the tape) in favor of chasing Cheryl. Cheryl tells the guy to turn off the camera, despite the fact that he’s clearly not taping them. Jason has been secretly taping them with his own camera…somefuckinghow.
This story was okay, but it hasn’t aged well.
Between Parts 1 and 2 is are a 1-page Cheryl illustration titled “Back To School Fashion” and another 1-page Cheryl illustration titled “Cheryl’s Back to School ‘Do’s”.