Writer: Dan Parent*
Pencils: Dan Parent*
Inking: Jon D’Agostino*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 13
Cover Date: June, 1998
Length: 5 pages
*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.
Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.
Cheryl is walking along outside, overhears Betty call Archie a star, and takes issue with that. Veronica calls Cheryl “Scarlet Witch” and says they just had a star named after Archie. Cheryl asks how they did that. Betty shows Cheryl a star map “certificate” and explains her uncle named a star after her for her birthday.
Betty then got Ronnie a star for her birthday. Betty says they both then “just had to” register a star under Archie’s name. Cheryl asks why. Betty shows Cheryl another map showing their three stars, which “make the perfect triangle”. *groan* Cheryl calls it “nauseatingly cute” and considers purchasing a nearby star, so they’d be a “love ‘square'”. Ronnie says she can’t, because they made sure all of the stars in this section are registered, so Cheryl couldn’t interfere.
Keep in mind that organizations like the one that they use don’t have any authority to name stars, which resides solely with the International Astronomical Union, which immediately makes this story completely fucking pointless.
Cheryl says she’s above this shit, says goodbye to the “children”, and walks away. Sounds good.
Of course, this is an Archie Comics story, so things are about to take a turn for the stupid.
Later, Cheryl calls the bullshit organization and wants to buy star “A-642” (which, as far as I can tell, is not a real designation), but it’s “currently under license” to Marty Simpson of Boise, Idaho.
So Cheryl goes to Boise to convince this boy to sell it to her. *rolls eyes*
Cheryl bribes Marty by taking him to “every toy store within 50 miles” and spending many hours and dollars buying him a “truckload of toys”. Cheryl wants her star. Marty is satisfied but makes Cheryl pay for a bunch of shit for his parents.
Later, back in Riverdale, at Riverdale High, Cheryl surprises Betty and Ronnie by announcing her star. She invites them to go look tonight in Dilton’s telescope.
That night, at Dilton’s house, Cheryl looks at her “beautiful star”, which is much brighter than the others. Immediately after she stops looking, Dilton looks and tells her to look at something. Her star burns out. Dilton calls it “one hot mass of gas”. Ronnie and Betty have a laugh, and Cheryl warns them against saying anything.
This story was so stupid. Beyond the complete unofficialness of it all (which I’ve already gone into), a lot of the stars whose light we see in the night sky have already burned out long ago; it’s just that their light is just now reaching us. That means Cheryl’s star already burned out long ago. It’s one hell of a coincidence that they were able to witness the precise (delayed) moment through a telescope. Of course, the writer probably thought we see stars’ light in real time.