Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 24
Cover Date: August, 1999
Length: 5 pages
*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.
Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.
Cheryl is being interviewed on the beach by a reporter named Tanya (although this doesn’t become apparent until page 2) about her amazing, busy life. She’s a “teen on the go”, “expert in all summer sports” (she’s shown surfing, and the surfboard was designed by Angelie Meedan of Phoenix, Arizona), “creative mind” behind the popular teenzine Fresh (her outfit was designed by the same person), as well as “top teen model” in front of the camera. Two items of note: Cheryl has blue eyes in this story, and she wears reading glasses.
Tanya asks Cheryl how she handles such an exciting life. Cheryl’s wearing a bikini (designed by Jessica Lung of Colorado Springs, Colorado) and apparently some kind of transparent plastic covering over most of her body (probably for UV protection). She’s also wearing, presumably, sunglasses, but, unlike Tanya’s and Priscilla’s, they appear clear. Anyway, Cheryl says she prioritizes her life to get the most out of it. School comes first. She’s finished all of her exams, so now she can enjoy the beach without a care. Priscilla happily reminds “Cheryl dear” of the Geography final that she missed and has to make up tomorrow. Cheryl freaks out and runs off to study. Priscilla confirms Tanya was right about Cheryl being a “teen on the go”.
Cheryl trips over Dilton, apologizes, and explains her rush. Dilton lets her know of a “spectacular” way to study when “time is in question”. That’s…odd wording. Wouldn’t “time is of the essence” make more sense? Anyway, Dilton tells Cheryl to tape her notes and then play them on her headphones while she sleeps, and her brain will retain the information for her test. Yeah, no, that’s bullshit. Cheryl, however, calls Dilton a genius, kisses him on the cheek, thanks him, and runs off. Dilton lets out an orgasmic Moose-like “Duh!”
Later that night, in her bedroom, a sleepy Cheryl sits at her desk and dictates notes into her tape recorder. She’s also drinking Zip Soda, which I guess is the Archieverse equivalent of Jolt Cola. She puts on her headphones and gets ready to “hit the hay”. She admits that she’s so sleepy that she’s getting clumsy. She accidentally knocks the tape recorder and a tape off her desk. The tape recorder opens, and her tape of notes pops out. She accidentally puts a tape of makeover tips into the recorder (a knockoff of the Sony Walkman). She gets into her bed and gets down to “some serious studying”, promptly falling asleep. Cute details: Sugar on Cheryl’s bed in the background and the continuation of Cheryl’s bedroom having windows that span an entire wall.
The next morning, Cheryl triumphantly enters the classroom and announces her arrival to Ms. Hampton, declaring herself “fresh and ready to go”. Cheryl’s outfit is by Chandra Ewing of Sierra Vista, Arizona. Ms. Hampton greets Cheryl and tells her that her make-up test is on her desk. Wait, why is Ms. Hampton Cheryl’s Geography teacher? The last time that we saw her (six issues ago), she was giving out one of those take-care-of-an-egg parenting assignments. Granted, my sixth-grade math and science classes were taught by the same guy, my high school Drama class was taught by a chorus teacher, and my TV Production class was taught by an English teacher, so I guess it’s not that strange.
The next day, Cheryl is sitting at an outdoor cafe and having a drink. Sugar is with her, sitting in her own chair and drinking from a bowl. Cheryl’s outfit is by Alyssa Galella of Wilton, Connecticut. Dilton comes by and asks her how the test went. Cheryl (her eye color suddenly green before reverting to blue) says terrible. She explains her fuck-up and says, when she was taking her test, she “went on automatic” and “couldn’t control” what she was writing, so she wrote a bunch of makeup and beauty tips on her test paper. That’s such bullshit. Anyway, Cheryl says Ms. Hampton flunked her but then points her out and says she kept her test paper for her personal makeover.
This story was pretty dumb. Shit like this is just scientifically impossible. Also, does Cheryl flunking her Geography test mean she flunked the class and has to go to summer school? Somehow, I doubt this will be brought up in future issues.