Writer: Ian Flynn
Pencils: Steven Butler*
Inks: Lily Butler*
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: World of Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest, No. 23
On-Sale Date: March 1, 2023
Length: 5 pages
*The credits are confusing for this story. Between the two boxes naming the penciler and inker, there’s an “and” symbol. I don’t know if this means both people did both jobs or if they just wanted to call attention to the fact that some relatives worked on this story together.
Another Archie story in 2023, another obscure character reintroduced. This one is so obscure that, again, I had to look elsewhere for info. Captain Commando was a patriotic superhero that debuted in 1942 and lasted only until late 1945 or early 1946. He was written by S.M. Iger and drawn by Alex Blum. The company then purged their superheroes to focus on humorous stories. According to the opening blurb of this new story: “Naval commander John Grayson is a champion of the seven seas! A peak physical specimen, his amphibious super-heroics make him the bane of evil on land or on the high seas!”
The story starts with Cheryl looking through binoculars at Veronica’s yacht, Sea Lodge, from her own yacht and being pissed that Ronnie dares to have a nicer yacht than her. She “simply won’t stand for it”. She actually growls in anger. She has hired Captain Scalliwag and his crew of pirates to commandeer Ronnie’s yacht and bring it to her. Captain Scalliwag laughs with an “Arr har harr!!” Are you seriously doing this, Archie Comics? Old-timey pirates in 2023? You didn’t even spell Scallywag right.
The pirates are paid actors, desperate for this high-paying gig. Captain Scalliwag breaks character and asks Cheryl what to do with Ronnie. Cheryl doesn’t know and doesn’t care. Captain Scalliwag assures his crew that “nobody will get hurt”. They get into character and launch their attack. Captain Swalliwag exclaims “Shiver their timbers!” Cheryl is startled by this.
The pirates get in their motorboat, go to Ronnie’s yacht, and board it. “Cap’n Scalliwag” introduces himself and claims Ronnie’s “boat” for “Lady Blossom”. Ronnie’s amused, figuring Cheryl would try something like this. She had commissioned a captain of her own. Captain Commando swings in on a rope from somewhere, exclaiming “Have at you, brigands!”
Captain Commando beats the shit out of the pirates until Captain Scalliwag begs him to stop and admits they’re just actors. Ronnie admits she did think they looked a bit “vintage”. So did Captain Commando.
Captain Scalliwag begs Ronnie for mercy and explains the whole thing. Ronnie says Cheryl has a way of bringing out the worst in good people. The male hero tells the attacked female that it’s her call. Well, isn’t that nice of him?
Later, Cheryl’s wondering what the fuck is taking so long and looks through her binoculars. Ronnie has hired the pirates to wait on her. She calls Captain Scalliwag “Captain Scalli-waiter”. Cheryl screams in anger and throws down her binoculars with such brute force that she shatters them to pieces. Ronnie makes a lame pun. The end.
This story was what you’d expect when dealing with pirates and a World War II superhero: completely fucking stupid. It makes Cheryl look extremely childish and petty. Notice there’s no mention of her life coach, who certainly wouldn’t approve of this behavior.
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