Comics – Rock Candi

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica Friends Forever, No. 19 (Rock and Roll #1)
On-Sale Date: March 8, 2023
Length: 5 pages

This is the first new Archie story written by Holly G! in around two decades. It’s a rather simple story, as they all are these days, but it’s an important one, one that has been a long time coming. Before we get into the story, though, I’m going to provide context, because the story itself doesn’t.

Archie, Reggie, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead were put in a band called The Archies when The Archie Show premiered on CBS on Saturday, September 14, 1968. The band had been introduced into the comic books in 1967 in a prototype form (minus Betty and Veronica) in the story “Once Upon a Tune” in Life With Archie #60 (cover-dated April). The fake band (featuring Ron Dante on lead vocals as Archie and various backing vocalists and session musicians) had a real-life hit with “Sugar, Sugar”, which went to #1 in 1969, and “Jingle Jangle”, which went to #10. In 1970, “Who’s Your Baby” went to #40, and “Sunshine” went to #57. All of their music was standard bubblegum pop. Betty was stuck playing the tambourine. With one exception from the recorded output, Archie always sang the lead vocals. This remained the status quo in the comic books.

When NBC aired Archie: To Riverdale and Back Again on Sunday, May 6, 1990, as a movie of the week, it was a hyped event. It was the centerpiece of Archie Comics’ upcoming fiftieth anniversary celebration. It featured the gang reuniting to attend their fifteen-year high school reunion. The band got back together and performed “Jingle Jangle”. Again, Archie (Christopher Rich) sang the lead vocals, and Betty (Lauren Holly) was stuck playing the tambourine.

On Tuesday, September 7, 1999, I posted a fanfic that I had written called Betty Cooper: This is Who I Am. One part of the story involved The Archies breaking up due to Archie’s sexist behavior, and Betty, Veronica, Cheryl, and Reggie formed a band called The Sugar Cherries. This was my way of dealing with my frustration of the status quo in the comics.

On Tuesday, June 4, 2002, Avril Lavigne released her smash-hit debut album, Let Go. Lavinge plays both electric and acoustic guitar. Her music career began around three years before the Betty Cooper of today was born.

Nearly five months later, on Sunday, November 3, 2002, a made-for-TV movie titled The Archies in Jugman aired on Nickelodeon. It functioned as a sort of sequel to the TV series Archie’s Weird Mysteries. As you can tell from the title, the characters are in the band. It’s not introduced in the movie; it’s just suddenly tacked on in the dance scene at the end of the film. There was a new lead vocalist providing Archie’s voice, but it was still Archie’s band, named after Archie, the new song (“It’s About Time”, composed by Matt McGuire) was old-fashioned bubblegum pop that the Riverdale High kids laughably rocked out to, and Betty was still stuck playing the damn tambourine.

In 2005, a sixteen-year-old girl named Caleigh Peters (the goddaughter of Barbra Streisand) recorded a few songs, some of which ended up in Disney films and/or on soundtrack albums that year, starting with the song “Reach” for the movie Ice Princess. While its actual release as a physical single is in question (despite various sites on the Internet calling it a single), and Caleigh’s musical career never took off (her self-titled debut album, set to come out that summer, was never released), a music video was filmed and featured on Disney Channel, showing millions of young girls that a girl just like them could rock out on guitar. This video came out in the year that the current version of Betty Cooper was born.

On Wednesday, January 18, 2006 (at least, for the direct market), in the story “Band Together” in Betty and Veronica Spectacular #73 (cover-dated March of 2006), Betty won a chance to take the stage and rock out with a Kiss knockoff band. She was a superfan, teaching herself how to play every song on electric guitar. She got painted up in the makeup and totally shredded on stage, leading Archie to declare “Oh, my goodness! Our little Betty is a rock and roll animal!”

In 2008 (the exact release date varies by source, but I found an old press release from November 14, although the album already seemed to be out by then), a new album called The Archies Christmas Album Featuring Betty & Veronica was released. It featured the return of original Archie vocalist Ron Dante as well as new vocalists for Betty and Veronica. And Betty was still on the fucking tambourine.

In 2011, a new prose novel series, xoxo, Betty and Veronica, began as part of Archie Comics’ seventieth anniversary celebration. It didn’t last anywhere near as long as the old Riverdale High novel series did. Of the three novels, We’re with the Band (supposedly released on May 12, although that was a Thursday), written by Adrianne Ambrose, featured Betty and Veronica leaving The Archies and teaming up with Nancy and a new character named Tina Starling to form an all-girl pop band, The Candy Hearts. Of course, status quo is god, so the band broke up at the end of the story, Betty and Veronica rejoined The Archies, and Betty took up her tambourine again, shaking that stupid thing while the band performed “Sugar, Sugar” and “Jingle Jangle”.

On Saturday, July 9, 2011, I posted a sequel fanfic to Betty Cooper: This is Who I Am titled Betty Cooper: Woman for All Seasons. It continued the musical career (such as it was) of The Sugar Cherries.

On Wednesday, February 15, 2012 (at least, for the direct market), in the story “Gaga for Baba” in Betty and Veronica #258, Betty, a huge Lady Gaga fan, began playing local venues in flamboyant costumes, going only by the name “B”. She became enough of a local sensation that she was booked to open for The Archies at a local concert. I haven’t read this story yet, but I’m willing to bet hilarity ensued.

After that, the experimentation basically ended, and Betty was back on tambourine in The Archies – even in the New Riverdale Archie and The Archies series. Those have ended, of course, and Betty hasn’t been off the tambourine for the past eleven years.

Until now.

The story starts with the band Rock Candi rehearsing…somewhere. The name Rock Candi is somewhat reminiscent of The Candy Hearts. The band consists of Veronica and Betty on guitars and a new girl (Jola Kitt; thanks, cover blurb) with blue hair and a heart-and-drumsticks tattoo (on the cover, anyway; it’s not visible in the story itself) on drums. Betty jumps off their amplifier. Trev praises their sound and says they’re “so ready for tonight’s show”. Betty sits down on the stage to relax, and Trev offers her some “hydration” (an orange drink). Jola calls Trev thoughtful and says, whenever she was taking lessons from his sister, Val, he was always there, helping out. Yeah, Trev is Valerie’s brother and an occasional love interest for Betty.

Betty suddenly feels down. Trev asks her what’s the matter. Betty still feels guilty for walking out on Archie and the guys. Ronnie angrily shakes her guitar (after already setting it down after practice) and tells Betty to “drop that guilt”. From her wording, we learn they play bass and lead guitar but not which one of them plays which. Thanks to the front cover, though, we know Ronnie plays bass, since her guitar has only four strings, and Betty plays lead, since her guitar has six strings. Oh, and then Jola just flat-out says Betty “totally shred[s] on lead”. She says the boys were crazy to just have her shake a tambourine “all these years”. Trev tells Betty that he agrees with “them” (I assume he means the girls).

They leave…wherever they were. As Trev parts from them, he tells the girls that he’ll see them at “the club”. Betty took her guitar with her, and Ronnie’s carrying something as well, but they left the drums and amp in the building. Ronnie has a “pre-gig sushi dinner” waiting for them at her place.

Shortly, at Lodge Manor, the girls are sitting down to dinner, Japanese-style. Betty says it’s gonna be so weird playing without the boys. Jola says she was there when Betty and Ronnie were “totally dissed”.

Flashback time! Last week, The Archies are rehearsing…somewhere. Betty, who has her own guitar already, says she wrote a song this weekend, and she’d really love to play it for the guys. Reggie declines, saying they don’t need a “sugar sweet love song”. Oh, you mean like “Sugar, Sugar”? Betty is upset. A pissed Ronnie screams at Reggie for not even giving Betty a chance. She heard Betty’s song, and it rocks. Reggie doesn’t believe it and tells the girls to leave the music up to the guys. He says the girls are doing just fine where they are. Ronnie says Reggie and Archie have never let Betty and her show their full potential. Archie tells her to keep him out of this. Ronnie says that’s the problem: Archie doesn’t get involved, so why should they? She heads out and tells Betty to come with her. Betty agrees and follows her. Jola, who has been hanging around silently this whole time, comes after them with an idea.

Back in the present, Jola tells Betty and Ronnie that band members need to respect one another, regardless of sex. Betty and Ronnie agree and give some pep talks for the band.

That night, on stage, Rock Candi rocks. Holly put the wrong number of strings on the girls’ guitars, though, and we don’t get any song lyrics.

When their set is over, Trev comes on the stage and gets the audience to cheer and applaud for Rock Candi. We learn Jola’s name (first name only) for the first time in the actual story. Reggie admits to Archie that he was wrong; the girls can really rock, and they’re good. Archie seems worried, admitting the girls are better than them.

This story was pretty good. As I said, it’s important, but it also feels rushed. It was crammed into only five pages. It should have been at least ten or eleven pages. There was a lot of awkward exposition and unanswered questions. Who is Jola Kitt? How does the gang know her? Why was she hanging out at The Archies’ rehearsal? Whatever happened to Ronnie’s keyboard? Still, I’m glad that this story finally – finally! – happened, and it’s so fitting that it was released on International Women’s Day.

Comics – Yacht’s Wrong With You?!

Writer: Ian Flynn
Pencils: Steven Butler*
Inks: Lily Butler*
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: World of Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest, No. 23
On-Sale Date: March 1, 2023
Length: 5 pages

*The credits are confusing for this story. Between the two boxes naming the penciler and inker, there’s an “and” symbol. I don’t know if this means both people did both jobs or if they just wanted to call attention to the fact that some relatives worked on this story together.

Another Archie story in 2023, another obscure character reintroduced. This one is so obscure that, again, I had to look elsewhere for info. Captain Commando was a patriotic superhero that debuted in 1942 and lasted only until late 1945 or early 1946. He was written by S.M. Iger and drawn by Alex Blum. The company then purged their superheroes to focus on humorous stories. According to the opening blurb of this new story: “Naval commander John Grayson is a champion of the seven seas! A peak physical specimen, his amphibious super-heroics make him the bane of evil on land or on the high seas!”

The story starts with Cheryl looking through binoculars at Veronica’s yacht, Sea Lodge, from her own yacht and being pissed that Ronnie dares to have a nicer yacht than her. She “simply won’t stand for it”. She actually growls in anger. She has hired Captain Scalliwag and his crew of pirates to commandeer Ronnie’s yacht and bring it to her. Captain Scalliwag laughs with an “Arr har harr!!” Are you seriously doing this, Archie Comics? Old-timey pirates in 2023? You didn’t even spell Scallywag right.

The pirates are paid actors, desperate for this high-paying gig. Captain Scalliwag breaks character and asks Cheryl what to do with Ronnie. Cheryl doesn’t know and doesn’t care. Captain Scalliwag assures his crew that “nobody will get hurt”. They get into character and launch their attack. Captain Swalliwag exclaims “Shiver their timbers!” Cheryl is startled by this.

The pirates get in their motorboat, go to Ronnie’s yacht, and board it. “Cap’n Scalliwag” introduces himself and claims Ronnie’s “boat” for “Lady Blossom”. Ronnie’s amused, figuring Cheryl would try something like this. She had commissioned a captain of her own. Captain Commando swings in on a rope from somewhere, exclaiming “Have at you, brigands!”

Captain Commando beats the shit out of the pirates until Captain Scalliwag begs him to stop and admits they’re just actors. Ronnie admits she did think they looked a bit “vintage”. So did Captain Commando.

Captain Scalliwag begs Ronnie for mercy and explains the whole thing. Ronnie says Cheryl has a way of bringing out the worst in good people. The male hero tells the attacked female that it’s her call. Well, isn’t that nice of him?

Later, Cheryl’s wondering what the fuck is taking so long and looks through her binoculars. Ronnie has hired the pirates to wait on her. She calls Captain Scalliwag “Captain Scalli-waiter”. Cheryl screams in anger and throws down her binoculars with such brute force that she shatters them to pieces. Ronnie makes a lame pun. The end.

This story was what you’d expect when dealing with pirates and a World War II superhero: completely fucking stupid. It makes Cheryl look extremely childish and petty. Notice there’s no mention of her life coach, who certainly wouldn’t approve of this behavior.

Comics – The Ultimate Test

Writer: Ian Flynn
Pencils: James Fry
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: World of Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest, No. 22
On-Sale Date: January 25, 2023
Length: 5 pages

For those of you that might be wondering what’s going on at Archie Comics these days, there’s:

*the occasional horror-themed one-shot, usually starting with the title “Chilling Adventures Presents…”, which is basically Archie Comics’ way of saying “Hey, guys! Archie Horror is still a thing! Remember Chilling Adventures of Sabrina?!”

*the much-less-frequent one-shot devoted to Riverdale or New Riverdale (and I say it’s New Riverdale solely due to the more modern artwork)

*new 5-page stories leading the digests and the otherwise-all-reprint floppies (sometimes you get two or even three new stories in a digest)

*a weekly meta webcomic titled Bite Sized Archie (which is pretty funny but shouldn’t be taken at all seriously as far as canon goes)

*another weekly webcomic exploring a possible future titled Big Ethel Energy (currently on hiatus between “seasons” as of this writing)

And that’s about it as far as comics go. As far as Classic Archieverse continuity, not much is actually happening, since five pages really isn’t enough space to do much of anything.

Archie Comics occasionally tries to make headlines by introducing new characters whose sole purpose is to fill some kind of niche. These characters usually have some combination of traits (usually already represented individually in older characters) and make a big splash in their first appearance, only to be reduced to tag-along, hey-I’m-still-here status in their subsequent appearances.

The other thing that they’ve been doing is reaching deep into their history and publishing new stories starring rather obscure detective and superhero characters. These characters haven’t been seen in new stories in probably decades and, as far as I know, had never interacted with the Riverdale gang before. But they’ve been appearing in new stories, interacting with the company’s far-more-famous characters, for a few years now. The general fan consensus seems to be it’s being done to retain the rights to the characters. I find it annoying, though. Sometimes, the superhero characters interact with the superhero personas of the Riverdale characters (yeah, there’s a microcontinuity where that’s a thing). Other times, the superheroes are hired by or enlist the Riverdale characters for one reason or another. As a rule, I don’t consider the Riverdale-teens-as-superheroes stories canon for the Archieverse at large, but the other stories, where the superheroes show up and interact with the regular, non-superpowered versions of the Riverdale gang, are more of a gray area.

Such is the case with this story. It stars Mr. Justice. An opening blurb fills us in on who the fuck this guy is, because Goddess knows most people would be hopelessly confused otherwise. “An ancient spirit who molded his persona on the superheroes of today so that he might dole out justice. He is timeless. He is powerful. He is–Mr. Justice” If you want more info, here it is, courtesy of Wikipedia: “Mr. Justice, also known as “The Royal Wraith,” was the superhero moniker of Prince James of England, who was murdered by rebels in the 18th century. His spirit remained trapped in the castle where the murder took place until 1940. The dismantled castle was to be shipped to the United States until a Nazi submarine sunk the ship on which it was carried, thereby releasing the spirit of Prince James. He assumed corporeal form as “Mr. Justice,” and his main nemesis was Satan himself. He first appeared in Blue Ribbon Comics #9 (Feb. 1941), and was created by writer Joe Blair and artist Sam Cooper.” So, yeah, talk about reaching way back. Anyway, let’s get into the story:

It starts with four random students walking outside Pembrooke Academy and gossiping about Cheryl. Oh, fuck you. It was established a little over four months earlier that Cheryl attends Riverdale High. I’d chalk this up to the writers not coordinating with each other, but both stories were written by the same fucking writer! That writer is Ian Flynn, the company’s go-to person for writing new stories featuring all of these obscure characters (and who also writes the Sonic comics, first at Archie and now elsewhere). This fuck-up is yet another reason to not take this story too seriously.

Anyway, apparently, Cheryl “has turned over a new leaf”, all thanks to her “new life coach”, a superhero. Yeah, these schoolmates of hers just know this somehow. Oh, Pembrooke Academy is using uniforms again. I mention this, because, while there were uniforms in the 1980s stories and the 2010-2011 “Queen B” storyline (this is a correction to my previous misdating of the story), Pembrooke Academy did not have uniforms in the Cheryl Blossom solo series (1995-2000). By the way, Cheryl has green eyes in this story.

Anyway, the four students meet up with Cheryl. One of them, Bethany, compliments her appearance. Cheryl says she knows and asks about Bethany’s shoes. Bethany says they’re “the latest style from Milan” and asks Cheryl if she likes them. Cheryl gets enraged, says she loves them, and is pissed that Bethany seized upon a trend before she did. She says she could tear Bethany down to the bottom rung of the social ladder with a word. When Mr. Justice appears behind her, Cheryl suddenly gets happy for Bethany and thanks her for clueing her into the style. She walks away with a “Toodles!”, leaving the students scared (for some reason) and Mr. Justice with a headache.

Cheryl spots a new, handsome blond student and considers getting “the rumor mill churning”, so she can “have him isolated and friendless by lunch”, then she’ll “appear before him” as his “loving salvation”. Mr. Justice takes issue with this, so Cheryl decides to talk to the guy and see if they have any common interests instead, because that “seems to work for the townies”.

Soon, in class, a male student sitting with Cheryl expresses worry about the “hard” test on Friday. Cheryl can afford to “barter for answers” and suggests he make her an offer for enough for a passing grade. Mr. Justice appears with his disapproving look, and Cheryl is upset that he expects her to study and succeed on her own merits. That she reconsiders and decides it’s a “novel idea”, and her schedule is much lighter without the plotting and scheming. The guy sitting next to her is scared. Wait. Does he see Mr. Justice? Did the other four students see him outside earlier? If so, then why is no one else reacting?

That night, at home, a tired Cheryl is on her way to bed after a “fulfilling and productive day”. She feels like a new her. Taking Mr. Justice’s hand (somehow), Cheryl admits she was dubious when he appeared (no further backstory given), but she cheerfully says he’s been a “good sport”. Cheryl says step 1 of the program is complete, and there are “just” 278 to go. She says she’ll see him in the morning. Mr. Justice flops down in a chair in the hallway (somehow), exhausted (somehow). The end.

This story was really weird. It’d be a perfectly serviceable Cheryl story in 1983, but it feels so wildly out of place in 2023, because it undoes so much of Cheryl’s history and character development. If you want to consider this story canon at all, it’d be best to place it in 1980s continuity, during Cheryl’s first time in Riverdale.

Comics – A Winter’s Tail

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 37
Cover Date: March, 2001
Length: 6 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

So here we are at long last: the final story in the final issue of Cheryl Blossom. Well, let’s get into it:

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) and Sugar are at Pop’s, sitting at the counter (Sugar is in Cheryl’s lap) Cheryl orders hot chocolate for herself and a chicken soup for her “little Sugar”. Cheryl had set her blue purse on the stool to her right (around the corner). It has a drawing of Cheryl on it, and her eyes are green there. Jughead, sitting to Cheryl’s left, takes issue with the double standard regarding Sugar, since Hot Dog has to wait outside for a doggy bag.

Pop explains how, last time, Hot Dog got into the storage room and ate hot dogs – which were kept in a cardboard box. Ew. Cheryl says her “little Sugar” is a very well-behaved pedigree dog. Jughead calls Sugar a “dust bunny”, which both Cheryl and Sugar are shocked by. Cheryl says Sugar is the purest of Pomeranians, and Poms are known as “the little sled dogs with big hearts”. Jughead says that “puff ball” couldn’t pull a rollerskate.

Cheryl stands up and says her Sugar can beat his “walking carpet” any day, sled racing. Jughead agrees to it and sets a sled competition for next Sunday.

At some point, Cheryl, Sugar, and Dilton meet outside. Dilton had designed and built a sled called Sugar Express. Cheryl questions Dilton about the sled design, because she wants Sugar to win this fair and square. Cheryl calls Dilton a genius and kisses him on the forehead, then she tells Sugar that they’ll start training. Sugar gives Cheryl an affirmative “Yip!”

Cheryl and Sugar run, jump rope, and do stretching exercises together to get in tip-top shape. Jughead watches TV and consumes junk food while Hot Dog sleeps. Cheryl and Sugar eat good balanced meals of fruits, veggies, and protein. Jughead and Hot Dog pig out on junk food.

On Saturday night, while they’re getting massages, Cheryl tells Sugar that they’re in the best shape ever and decides they’ll get to bed early.

At Jughead’s, confident of their “easy win” tomorrow, Jughead decides he and Hot Dog will “celebrate early” by watching four videos (including a knockoff of The Matrix) and eating hot dogs with the works.

On the morning of the race, a large crowd (their loyalties roughly evenly divided) has gathered to watch the sled competition. Archie wishes Cheryl good luck. Cheryl thanks him and criticizes Jughead for being late. Veronica tells Jughead to kick Cheryl’s ass. Jughead and Cheryl get on their respective sleds and talk shit to each other. Hot Dog yawns. Sugar gives him an angry “Yip!” Oh, Cheryl and Sugar are wearing matching white helmets with a blossom on them, which is cute. The race starts. Cheryl has Sugar go. Jughead stays put, much to Ronnie’s distress, because it’s “too easy”. He’ll “let Cheryl feel like she has a chance”, so “she does not lose so badly”.

Jughead finally has Hot Dog go, but he struggles. Jughead regrets eating “4 dozen frankfurters” last night. Cheryl excitedly spots the finish line and tells her “sweetie” to go, because they’re winning. Jughead, somehow close behind, spots a “wiener stand” (operated by Pop) and says he’ll buy Hot Dog ten, if they win. By the way, Grand Comics Database doesn’t indicate Betty is in this story, but she can clearly be seen next to the hot dog stand, which is next to the finish line. Anyway, Hot Dog excitedly heads for the stand too early. Cheryl and Sugar cross the finish line and are announced as the winners. Cheryl is ecstatic. She gets a trophy (which Sugar also touches) and tells “Juggie” to look on the bright side: if it was a wiener-eating contest, Hot Dog would be “top dog”. Jughead, sitting on the ground, is upset. A pissed Pop screams at Jughead, because Hot Dog is eating his hot dogs.

This story was very nice on its own, but I’m going to provide some context that will make it even better. I don’t know about overall sales from all sources, but, at least in the direct market (meaning North American comic book shops), Cheryl Blossom routinely outsold Jughead (the sole exception being Jughead #100 in October of 1997), all of the way to the end. Jughead’s only other wins over Cheryl were Jughead’s Double Digest #67 in February of 2000 and #70 in July of 2000. So it’s supremely satisfying to see Cheryl kick Jughead’s ass one more time in this story, ending her series on a massive high note.

And so concludes Cheryl Blossom, but it’s not the end of Cheryl Blossom herself, of course. There are plenty more stories to review. Also, I intend to do a series recap, so look forward to that.

Comics – Artistic Differences

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 37
Cover Date: March, 2001
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) and her mother are at an art gallery. Cheryl is excited. She can’t believe her mom’s gotten “the famous groovy artist” Ms. H. to paint Cheryl’s portrait. Penelope says it wasn’t easy. Ms. H. is very busy. Penelope had to pull a lot of strings but says it’ll be worth it. Ms. H. only paints rock musicians and movie stars. To Cheryl, no other artist, except Ms. H., could capture Cheryl’s “uniqueness”. Among Ms. H.’s portrait subjects is Chrissy A.. Cheryl’s camo-outfit is by Angela Gong of Canada.

Ms. H. (a young woman with brown hair in pigtails, except for light blonde bangs) arrives to find “Ms. B” and “her oh so groovy daughter, C.B.”. Again with the “groovy”. Cheryl says it’s such a great honor to have her paint her portrait (take that as you will). Ms. H. is wowed by Cheryl’s look and compliments her “excellent” hair. She says this is gonna be fun. Penelope asks if there’s anything that Cheryl needs to do to prepare for the painting session. Ms. H. (who has brown eyes) tells Cheryl to pick out her outfit and do her hair and make-up and show up at her studio at 10 A.M., so they can start.

That evening, in her bedroom, Cheryl puts on an outfit (groovy outfit by Jill Fogel of Bronx, New York) and looks at herself in the mirror. Sugar, sitting on Cheryl’s bed, looks on in confusion.

She tries on various outfits, then talks to Sugar about her difficult decision. Sugar is confused. Cheryl sits on her bed. It’s 11:00 PM. We get a nice view of the outdoors in the window behind Cheryl: hills and trees – plus a waning crescent moon in the night sky. Realizing it’s getting late, Cheryl decides she better pick something.

The next morning, Cheryl and Sugar arrive at Ms. H.’s studio. Cheryl is wearing a stylish all-white safari outfit, and Sugar is wearing a matching white safari hat. That’s cute. Ms. H., for whatever reason, thinks Cheryl’s outfit looks like it’s from the ’70s – but then compares it to the Madonna knockoff. What? Cheryl says it was tough making up her mind, but this is her hottest new outfit.

Ms. H. says this is going to be fabulous and praises Sugar’s look.

The next day, though, Cheryl shows up in a completely different outfit (Sugar is wearing a red bowtie). Ms. H. asks about the “Western glam outfit”. Oh, is that what it was supposed to be? This is Cheryl’s “youthful charm” outfit. Ms. H. tells the “school gal” that she looks “super” and wipes away her work.

Unfortunately, as the days go by, Cheryl has changed five times, pissing Ms. H. off. Cheryl says the portrait “will probably hang in the Louvre“, so Ms. H. agrees to give it another go.

Ms. H. delivers Cheryl’s portrait to the mansion (Cheryl is wearing yet another outfit in it). Penelope thanks her. An exhausted Ms. H. says she stayed up all night, but it’s finished at last. Cheryl asks about going back to the Western glam look. Ms. H. flips her shit and makes Cheryl wear the portrait, destroying it. An angry Cheryl says artists can be so temperamental. Ms. H. runs away, screaming.

This story was pretty funny. Not much else to say.

Extras

After the story are 2 pages of Cheryl fan art with 7 named contributions and 6 honorable mentions – as well as an apology for not having the room to print everybody’s work. There’s no address given to send further submissions, so it looks like they used two pages in this final issue to print as much of the already received fan art as they could.

Comics – Rock ‘n’ Roll Film!

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inking: Jim Amash
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 37
Cover Date: March, 2001
Length: 11 pages

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

So here we are at the final issue of Cheryl Blossom. One thing that I’ve been curious about is just when, precisely, certain people knew it was the end. When did Holly know? When did Victor Gorelick know? I don’t know about Holly, but various internal clues point to Archie Comics axing the title either before or while this issue was laid out, prior to going to print. You’ll see why as we go through these final stories. I’ll start with some evidence from the sales charts, though. Apparently, this issue was originally solicited for October of 2000 (the month after issue #36 came out) before being resolicited for December of 2000. This is the only instance that I’ve found in the sales charts of an issue of this series being resolicited, and I’m not sure what, precisely, was the reason for it.

Anyway, let’s get into the story:

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) is bored in Media class – until the next assignment (make a documentary video) is given. That perks her up. The teacher tells them to pick a person that they admire or someone that has inspired them in some way. Cheryl wonders who to pick. Cheryl’s snow-girl outfit is by Amy Jennings of Massachusetts.

Cheryl wants to do a documentary about herself (even though she already has), but the teacher (Ms. Q) shoots that down. Jason (who has brown eyes in this story) makes fun of Cheryl, and Cheryl threatens him. The class laughs. Sitting to Cheryl’s left is a girl that could be either Heather or Bunny/Priscilla, but it’s unclear. Ms. Q says they have two months to film and edit their videos, and then they will present them to the class.

Later, at home, Cheryl is lying on her bed (with Sugar) and reading a teenzine while thinking about her documentary. She considers Archie but decides there’s no great angle in that. Cheryl finds it unfair that she can’t do the documentary about herself, because she’s the most fascinating person that she knows. She reads in the teenzine about the Sugar Girls reuniting, and that inspires her. She even thinks they may want her back in the band (with Ginger absent, of course).

Cheryl goes to Jason, who’s playing video games, and talks him into operating the camera in case she’s asked to join the band. He’s convinced (and gets a boner) once he’s told it’s about the Sugar Girls.

However, Jason backtracks and is hesitant to do Cheryl’s “dirty work”. They agree to help each other with their respective videos.

The next day, Cheryl informs Jason that the Sugar Girls have just arrived in town for a concert. They’re expecting Cheryl and Jason; they love the idea of a documentary and may even get it aired on TV.

They go outside to the white limo. Cheryl asks Jason if he has enough film and batteries (despite the camera looking tape-based), and Jason says yes.

On the ride over, Jason is excited to meet the Sugar Girls, and Cheryl is excited to see them again.

They arrive…somewhere. Cheryl has Jason start “rolling the film”. They go into the room, and Cheryl and the Sugar Girls greet each other.

Sugar Baby says it’s “groovy” to see Cheryl again. Who still said “groovy” in 2000? Cheryl introduces Jason and tells the girls to ignore him. By the way, Sugar Baby has blue eyes. She also has freckles…sometimes, but the amount is inconsistent. Anyway, Baby introduces Cheryl to Ginger Sugar (who has green eyes), making a point that they never met. Cheryl makes a joke, but Ginger doesn’t appreciate it.

After a bit of awkwardness, Cheryl angrily asks them about being let back in the band, which they reject. Posh says she nearly got them in big trouble last time (she doesn’t elaborate). Scary shows Cheryl a note that they had to sign, promising her parents that they’d never let her in the band, ever. I’m sure that’s totally legally binding. Um, didn’t they recently establish Cheryl is now 18, or is that no longer true? Anyway, Cheryl is angry. Baby says the documentary is going to be fun, but Cheryl has already lost interest.

Over the course of however many days, Cheryl has Jason secretly record the girls in embarrassing moments, such as Baby sucking her thumb while sleeping, Ginger sleeping at a table while drinking coffee (still wearing a face mask and night cap), a zit on Posh’s nose, Sporty stuffing her face with junk food (chips and soda), a rip in the back of Scary’s pants during the concert, and Baby slipping and falling down the stairs.

Cheryl shows her documentary to the class. A nervous Ms. Q calls it “very interesting”.

Jason’s video is next. Cheryl says she played the background music. Jason’s documentary is about Cheryl, which she was unaware of. He caught her embarrassing moments on video: snoring in her sleep and eating pickles dipped in peanut butter (while reading a book called Astro Logics). An enraged Cheryl chases Jason, who informs her that the Sugar Girls “loved” their copy of his video.

This story was pretty funny, but, in real life, the Spice Girls broke up in December of 2000 (despite publicly insisting they were not splitting) after ceasing all promotional activities for their third album, Forever, which achieved only a fraction of the success of its two best-selling predecessors, selling four-million copies, and Ginger didn’t rejoin the group until they reunited in 2007.

There’s a blurb at the bottom of the last page of the story, again promoting the “all-new” Sabrina: The Animated Series (I didn’t note it in my review, but a similar blurb appeared on the bottom of the first page of “Party Crasher“). Why were they promoting this series after it had run its course?

Extras

Between Parts 1 and 2 are a 1-page Archie story titled “Hocus Focus” and the usual Editor’s Notebook by Victor Gorelick (in which he doesn’t mention Cheryl at all).

After the story are a 2-page “Dear Cheryl” letters column by Sara Algase (but, unlike in the previous issue, no address to send future questions) and a 1-page Archie story titled “Alibi Guy”.

Comics – Party Crasher

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 36
Cover Date: January, 2001
Length: 6 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) is being trusted on her own for the weekend. Clifford, fearing for their priceless possessions, reminds Cheryl that there are to be no parties. Cheryl’s “miniskirt” outfit and hair are by April Engelberg of Toronto, Ontario. Cheryl wishes them a fun getaway.

As soon as the doors are closed, Cheryl calls Archie and has him round up the gang for a party at her house. She then tells the staff that she wants endless party munchies, soda, and loud music. She vows this will be the coolest party ever, and, if anyone breathes a word of it to her parents, she’ll make their job here “total misery”.

Cheryl gets dressed up. When the gang arrives, she invites them in.

The gang primarily consists of Archie, Betty, Veronica, Jughead, and Reggie – plus various nameless (and mostly faceless) extras. Jughead is impressed with the food. Ronnie calls Cheryl out on a lack of music. Cheryl introduces her “good friend”, a knockoff of Moby. The gang parties.

Much later, Cheryl sees her guests off and thanks them for coming. Archie says it was a great party. Betty thanks Cheryl for an excellent time and adds it was “totally rad”. Cheryl has the exhausted staff clean late into the night to hide evidence of the party.

The next morning, Cheryl and Sugar wake up. Cheryl says that was the best party ever. She puts on a robe and goes to inspect the staff’s cleaning job. She’s impressed but then bumps a pedestal, knocking her mom’s “priceless Ming vase” to the floor, where it smashes to pieces. She says her parents will be home in an hour. I thought they were leaving for the entire weekend.

Then they suddenly arrive home early. Clifford notices the vase and asks what happened. Cheryl tearfully confesses everything, grounds herself, vows to never have another party ever again, and runs off, crying. Penelope says Cheryl seems truly sorry about what she did and asks if they should tell her that the vase was a fake. Clifford gets the real vase out of a wall safe hidden behind a picture frame and says maybe in ten years or so, when Cheryl’s all partied out. They laugh.

This story was fun, but I didn’t like the ending. Cheryl had gotten away with having a party. Why didn’t she just tell her parents that she accidentally knocked over the vase?

Comics – Pup Quiz

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 36
Cover Date: January, 2001
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) is getting dressed for school in her room. She feels bad for Sugar, who’s howling in fright, due to the thunderstorm. Not helping matters are the numerous windows in Cheryl’s bedroom, which give a great view of the stormy outdoors (hills, trees, dark clouds, rain, and lightning). Cheryl’s “school girl” fashion and hair are by April Engelberg. Cheryl holds and pets a whimpering Sugar and apologizes to her “sweetie”, saying she has to go to school today, because there’s a bio quiz that she can’t miss. She sets Sugar on her (Cheryl’s) bed, explains she’ll be back in the afternoon, and tells her to be brave.

However, Sugar’s howling gets to Cheryl, who decides to sneak Sugar to school in her bag. Cheryl makes her way out to the white limo. Jamie holds the door open for her while also holding an umbrella. Cheryl tells Sugar to stay down and be quiet in class, so they don’t get in trouble. On the ride to school, Cheryl opens her Biology book and does some last-minute studying.

In Biology class, Ms. Hampton tells them that they have 30 minutes for the quiz. Heather, sitting next to Cheryl, is suspicious of whimpering coming from Cheryl’s bag. When Sugar lets out loud yowls, Cheryl pretends she’s the one doing it. Ms. Hampton asks Cheryl what her problem is.

Cheryl apologizes, saying she has a bad case of heartburn, because she had Mexican food last night. Ms. Hampton tells her to keep it down. Cheryl shushes Sugar. Cheryl gets stumped on a question. While that’s going on, Sugar climbs out of her bag and goes to chomp on a bone of the model skeleton and brings it to Cheryl. This actually gives Cheryl the answer to the question.

Cheryl thanks Sugar for the help and has her get back in the bag. Cheryl will sneak the bone back after class.

Later that week, at home, Cheryl informs her parents that she aced her bio quiz. Cheryl’s “shrug bug” outfit is also by April Engelberg. Cheryl’s parents are proud of her. Hugging Sugar, Cheryl says she can’t take all of the credit, because she had “a top dog of a study buddy”. Sugar happily licks Cheryl, whose parents are confused.

This story was pretty cute. I love the bond between Cheryl and Sugar.

Comics – Medium Well Done

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inking: Jim Amash
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 36
Cover Date: January, 2001
Length: 11 pages

As of this writing, this issue is not available digitally, although the story itself probably is, due to reprints in more recent digests. For this review, I’m looking at my original copy of this issue that I bought in 2000.

Cheryl (who has blue eyes in this story) is in Riverdale. Fall is in the air. Halloween decorations are up. She thinks to herself how autumn is the perfect time of year to go slumming on the streets of Riverdale. Wow, what a throwback. Midge comes up behind Cheryl, startling her. She informs Cheryl that Veronica had a “close encounter with the spirit world”.

Cheryl gets angry. Midge says Ronnie is at Pop’s right now, sharing her ghost story with everyone. Cheryl walks right over to Pop’s (which is right there), saying this is something that she has to hear for herself, leaving Midge confused…for some reason.

Cheryl walks into Pop’s and asks about the gossip, but Archie, Betty, and Reggie are oblivious to her, engrossed in Ronnie’s story.

Cheryl, “the most popular teenage girl in the world”, yells at them. Archie finally acknowledges her existence. Cheryl isn’t impressed by Ronnie’s “supernatural visitor” and claims to have spoken to many ghosts, surprising everyone. Cheryl says it’s a “known fact” that the Blossom women are “gifted mediums”.

Archie brings up their ghostly experience in Scotland and says it must have been Cheryl’s sixth sense that let them see those Scottish spirits. Ronnie challenges Cheryl to conjure up “a couple of ‘soda shop’ spooks”, but Pop takes issue with that. Cheryl assures Pop that she wouldn’t dream of turning his place into “the Chocklit Shop of Horrors”. Is that a reference to the similarly-titled Archie’s Weird Mysteries episode? Anyway, Cheryl invites the gang to her house on Saturday, when the full moon rises, for a “real séance”.

As Cheryl leaves, Ronnie tells the “big fake” that they’ll be there. Jamie holds the door of the (white) limo open for Cheryl. Cheryl thinks up “the perfect plan”, but she’ll need her brother’s help.

Later, at the Blossom mansion, Cheryl comes into Jason’s bedroom and butters him up, then launches into her explanation. She needs him to pretend to be a ghost. He asks what’s in it for him. Cheryl says Betty will be there and adds “Betty loves ghosts”. Jason agrees to it. Cheryl wants him to play the ghost of an Elvis knockoff. She gets out her cell phone (or picks up Jason’s) and calls a place called Costume Corner to place a special order. Before we move on, there are a few interesting notes about Jason’s room. He has a bunch of windows for an impressive outdoor view, and the scenery is hills and trees. He also has a large photo of Betty on the wall behind his bed, and it’s signed “To Jason fondly Betty”. Oh, and Jason has brown eyes in this story.

On Saturday night, Jason compliments Cheryl on her spooky decorations. He reaches for her crystal ball, but Cheryl tells him to not touch anything.

The costume arrives, but they accidentally sent a Star Trek knockoff uniform. Cheryl calls them, but they can’t deliver another, because their van broke down. Just then? Cheryl (referencing Betty’s disappointment at no ghost) convinces Jason to drive down and get the right costume. Jason says he’ll be back in 20 minutes.

Cheryl plans to stall Ronnie and the gang for about 30 minutes till Jason can get back. She vows to put on a show that none of them will ever forget.

The gang arrives at the mansion. Before even going in, Betty says it’s “so cool”, but Ronnie says it’s “so lame”. Cheryl takes them into her “paranormal parlor” and has them sit at the table, hold hands, and focus on the crystal ball. Ronnie finds it hokey.

Archie tells Ronnie to shut the fuck up. Cheryl hears noises and assumes Jason’s back already. She calls upon the ghost. The ghost appears and touches Ronnie. Everyone except Cheryl is freaked out. Ronnie gets out of “this haunted hut”.

Cheryl explains Ronnie broke the circle, and now the ghost is gone. She and Archie go outside to get Ronnie down from the tree that she climbed up.

As they leave, Betty comforts Ronnie, and Archie thanks Cheryl for a great séance. Cheryl goes and praises Jason’s performance, but he informs her that he was stuck in traffic ’til just now. The two of them get freaked out.

This story was pretty funny, but I saw the twist ending coming as soon as the ghost appeared.

Extras

Between Parts 1 and 2 is a page of Cheryl fan art with contributions from Kelly Macaulay (Age 10) of Norwood, Massachusetts; Olivia Choi of Yonkers, New York; and Diana Ortiz (Age 9) of Chander, Arizona.

After the story is a 2-page “Dear Cheryl” letters column by Sara Algase.

Comics – P.I.P.

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: Jim Amash*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 35
Cover Date: October, 2000
Length: 6 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition. This is the final issue that’s available in digital format as of this writing.

Cheryl, Betty, and Veronica are hanging out in their office. Apparently, they have formed a bodyguard agency known as P.I.P. (Protecting Important People), which is a division of Blossom Industries. They’re wearing matching sleeveless crop tops with the name and logo (a blossom). Well, this development came right the fuck out of nowhere. When and why did they decide to form this business? Is their office located in Blossom Industries headquarters? (They have a window view of skyscrapers.) Also, they definitely have to be 18 at this point, right? They can’t legally become bodyguards otherwise.

Anyway, they don’t seem to be busy at all. Cheryl is sitting in a chair, Betty is exercising on a treadmill, and Ronnie is sitting under a hairdryer. They get a call, and Cheryl answers the phone. Cheryl (who has aquamarine eyes in this story) accepts a “totally sweet gig”. Toweling off, Betty asks her what it is. They’re going to be the bodyguards for a Christina Aguilera knockoff. Betty is excited.

Cheryl knocks on the hairdryer and informs Ronnie, who’s irritated. Cheryl asks Betty to tell her again why they have Ronnie working with them. Betty reminds Cheryl that she said it was cooler to have a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Cheryl remembers and cheers up. That was some clunky exposition.

45 minutes later, Ronnie is finally ready. Cheryl and Betty had been waiting for her, and Betty had fallen asleep. The three women strike badass poses, and there’s an American flag in background. P.I.P. is America’s bodyguard agency, bitches!

They ride with Chrissy in her limo. Cheryl exposits it’s their job to protect her and her “priceless guitar”. In real life, she doesn’t play an instrument. Anyway, she finds the girls “way cool”, but she told her manager that she can take care of herself. Cheryl insists Chrissy needs them and adds they’re “trained professionals”. Really? In what sense? When and where did they get this training? Anyway, Betty agrees with Cheryl and tells Chrissy that they’ll make sure her trip to the concert hall goes off without a problem. Is that the extent of their job: taking her to the concert hall?

When they arrive, they get out of the limo, and Cheryl and Betty stand on either side of Chrissy while Ronnie keeps people away.

An asshole wants to grab Chrissy’s guitar to sell it. Cheryl (whose eyes turn to blue) gets distracted by a photographer offering to take a photo for the paper. The guy uses the distraction to rush in and grab Chrissy’s guitar. Betty yells to Cheryl. Chrissy tries to wrestle her guitar away from the guy. Cheryl and Betty stand around, helpless. Betty asks Cheryl what to do. Ronnie is useless. Cheryl has the idea to “karate” the guy, but Ronnie refuses to, because she’ll break a nail. While this is going on, Chrissy is kicking the guy, and she gets her guitar back.

The women (primarily Cheryl and Ronnie) continue arguing. Cheryl’s eyes are now green. Betty convinces Cheryl and Ronnie to stop fighting and says they’ll help Chrissy as a team. Unfortunately, by this point, three young girls have beaten the guy up, and one of them, having a cell phone, calls the police. The supposed adults are oblivious to the guy’s dazed appearance, and Cheryl knocks him to the pavement with her pointer finger. Chrissy thanks the little girls.

Two police officers arrive and take the guy away. On their way out, one of them asks “Who did this good work?” Um, police questioning is a lot more thorough than that. Anyway, the women seem nervous as Chrissy (with an evil smile) contemplates her response.

Chrissy replaces the women with the little girls as her bodyguards, and they all got “P.I.P.” T-shirts (minus the blossom logo) and sunglasses. Cheryl and Ronnie are upset, but Betty, looking on the bright side, says they have front-row seats.

This story could have been good, but there’s no actual set-up for it, and the women just stand around and do nothing during a crucial moment. When they finally decide to step in and help, it’s too late. This could have made a good double-length (or even issue-length) story. Show the women taking karate. Show them deciding to open the business. As it is, the story feels rushed and incomplete. There’s a good idea here, but it’s a half-baked story.