Comics – Here We Come A Caroling!

Writer: Dan Parent*
Pencils: Dan Parent*
Inking: Jon D’Agostino*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 19
Cover Date: February, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl walks by and notices a “monstrosity”, so she asks Ethel what it is. Ethel explains it’s their “Riverdale Christmas Carol Float”. All of the “districts” (school districts?) in the county are eligible to enter “it” (presumably, she means a float of their own) in the Christmas parade. Cheryl thinks it’s corny. Ethel says they’re sure to win, because Betty is “the best chorus leader around”. So…are they supposed to stand on the float and sing? And what are they going to be judged on? Best performance, best float, or a combination of the two? Anyway, Cheryl is suddenly “feeling a bit festive”.

At her mansion (I guess), Cheryl’s trying to get her Pembrooke schoolmates to enter the contest with her. I recognize Bunny, and I think that’s Cedric, but I don’t recognize the third person (looks like a pointy-nosed Dilton without glasses). Cheryl wants to outdo “those Riverdale schmos”. Bunny says that’s not good enough for them. Cheryl walks off, deciding to hire some singers of her own.

She hires “the famous Broadway singer and dancer, Tommy Tuned”, who arrives at her mansion with his dancers. Cheryl’s ready to practice, but she falls on her ass. Tommy realizes he has his work cut out for him.

Eventually, wearing a leotard, aerobics leggings, and leg warmers, Cheryl asks Tommy how she’s doing. He tells her that she’s as good as she’s going to be. Someone arrives and informs Cheryl that her float is ready. She and Tommy go to take a look. It consists of green “grass” and a bunch of presents under a tree. The tree is black and has Cheryl’s face on it. A sign proclaims “Have a Cheryl Christmas”. Tommy says it’s tacky, even in Las Vegas. Cheryl thinks it’s beautiful.

On the big day, Cheryl is optimistic of her chances of winning as she rides in the truck carrying her float. Unfortunately, a parade official informs her that she can’t enter the float, because it’s not registered. A disappointed Cheryl says nobody told her about it (that’s on her; she should have checked the requirements). He tells her to take the float out of here. Cheryl decides to go on her “own route” and tells the driver to go down Elm Street. He tries to warn her, but she screams at him, and he makes a right. Elm Street comes out on the main parade route. So, um, why was that parade official so far away from the actual parade? And is Cheryl so inept that she arrived late for a parade that’s already in progress?

Anyway, Elm Street’s very hilly. Betty and Archie are watching nearby, and Betty notes the “Vegas nightmare” is coming their way. Cheryl’s float crashes into Betty’s float (the truck somehow disappears in all of this). Betty, Archie, and Dilton are knocked over. Betty stands up and laments they’ll never win now.

Soon, after the mess is cleaned up, someone announces the winner: Riverdale Elementary School. The kids are happy. Ever the opportunist, Cheryl asks some of the “kiddies” if they need a “perky spokesperson”. This confuses the kids.

This story has way too much going on for its short length. It would have been better as a two-parter – or just cut the singing aspect entirely and have it be a simple Christmas float contest.

The story is followed by a two-page “Dear Cheryl” advice column.


Comics – ‘Ti$ the Sea$on

Writer: Bill Golliher
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inking: Jon D’Agostino
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 9
Cover Date: February, 1998
Length: 11 pages

Cheryl and Jason are checking out the presents under the Christmas tree. Clifford comes by, saying he believes Christmas is his favorite time of year. Cheryl agrees, citing the “cool gifts” that she gets. Clifford talks about the “sentiment of the season”: giving and love. Jason and Cheryl are amused. Clifford wonders where he went wrong.

A truck arrives, because Cheryl is having “some” presents delivered. As the delivery guys leave, one of them informs Cheryl that “the other truck” should be here soon. Clifford is surprised, because he can’t see the tree anymore. He asks Cheryl if all of these gifts are for other people. Cheryl admits “some” of them are for her.

Jason admits the same, so Clifford calls them spoiled and selfish. Shocked, Cheryl and Jason insist they aren’t. They then get into a pissing contest over who spends more on the other. Clifford tells them to knock it off, and Cheryl seems to imply she and Jason used to wrestle each other, but they’re “above that” now. Jason mentions they wrestled some “townies” one summer.

Jason and Cheryl want blank checks to buy each other expensive shit, but Clifford refuses and makes his credit cards off limits as well. He says, if they want to buy something for each other, they’re gonna have to do it themselves and sacrifice a little. He leaves. Jason and Cheryl are confused as to what “sacrifice” means, so she looks for a dictionary on a bookshelf. Seriously? How dumb do they have to be?

After they search for a bit, Jason finds a dictionary, looks up sacrifice, and reads about the religious kind of sacrifice. Cheryl freaks out, thinking her dad wants them to kill each other. Then Jason reads the second definition, which makes more sense, but Cheryl thinks it’s pointless. Jason suggests killing each other. Neither of them have any ideas and wish each other luck as they leave.

Cheryl invites Betty over, which makes Betty happy. Cheryl needs advice. Betty is confused over what that could possibly be. Cheryl explains. They sit down. They trade some banter. Cheryl accuses Betty of bleaching her hair. Um, sweetie, you have black eyebrows. I wouldn’t go around accusing other people of fake hair colors.

Betty suggests promising to be nice to Jason for the year. Cheryl would rather spend a fortune. Betty asks if Jason has something that’s very precious to him. Cheryl gets up and has Betty follow her.

They go to the garage. Jason got a hot red Italian sports car for his birthday. Betty’s impressed. Betty suggests getting Jason an accessory for it. Cheryl loves the idea. As they discuss this, their reflections are shown in the driver’s side rear-view mirror, even though they’re standing in front of the car. Anyway, Cheryl decides to get Jason his own separate, climate-controlled double garage with a live-in mechanic. Betty was thinking more like a car-vac. Cheryl opens the garage door, pushes Betty outside, thanks her, and invites her to come again. Betty is confused but goes along with it. I wouldn’t be sitting by the phone, waiting for her to call. Betty angrily wishes Cheryl a Merry Christmas and leaves. Cheryl doesn’t exactly wish her the same. She then wonders what to give up to afford the garage.

Later, in her bedroom, Cheryl considers selling stocks, bonds, jewelry, or cars. Bitch has a fucking wall safe in her room. Anyway, she finally comes to a decision.

Meanwhile, Jason has Cedric over, and they’re watching Sabrina on TV (yeah, ha, ha, but a simple explanation is she got on TV for whatever reason). Jason asks Cedric for ideas. Cedric asks about Cheryl’s interests. Jason says, besides making his life miserable, bossing others around. That gives Jason an idea. Cedric asks where he’ll get the cash from.

Possible typo: “And so, when Christmas arrived…” instead of “arrives”.

Jason and Cheryl thank their parents for their presents. Clifford reminds them of their gifts to each other. Cheryl points out the window, where Jason sees his new garage on a truck.

Jason gets choked up and thanks Cheryl. Clifford whispers to Penelope about his surprise that Jason’s actually showing emotion – as if he never shows any emotion at all. Jason whistles, and a complete staff for Cheryl’s mountain chalet arrives. Cheryl starts sobbing. The siblings hug each other and continue sobbing. Cliff asks why they’re “basket cases”. Guess what they each sold. Yeah. Hilarious.

Clifford compares this situation to “Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry. Cheryl amusingly thinks the author was named after the candy bar. Anyway, Penelope points out that, unlike the couple in the story, Cheryl and Jason are filthy rich. Clifford and Penelope are proud of their kids, but then Cheryl asks for another chalet for her birthday, and Jason asks for another Italian sports car. Clifford is upset, and Penelope throws up her hands and wishes him a Merry Christmas.

This story is pretty funny. I don’t have much else to say, except Part 1 is unusually short (at only four pages).

There’s a “Cheryl’s Christmas Style” fashion page after it, followed by a one-page story called “Occupied” in which Salem (yeah, Sabrina’s cat) ties up the restroom, because he doesn’t use a litter box.

The New Archies, Segment 24 – Making of Mr. Righteous

Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with…these two random girls walking as Eugene talks.

They walk past Eugene’s house.

Eugene has made a robotic duplicate of himself and is wrongly convinced no one could tell the difference. Um, I can.

He turns the robot off, not having time to test it today.

Unfortunately, at the same time as Eugene leaves out the back door, Moose arrives through the front door. Two questions: Why does Eugene run out the back door? (Answer: So he and Moose miss each other; that’s it.) And why the fuck does Moose just run into Eugene’s house unannounced? Who does that in real life?

Of course, Moose is a dumbass and thinks “Eugene” is just playing funny by standing completely still. He accidentally activates the robot. Oh, and he ran in here to get Eugene for school, because they’re running late. I know I haven’t addressed this yet, but since when do junior high students walk/run/skateboard to school? I know I never did that. I took the school bus. On the very rare days that I missed the bus, and neither of my parents were home, I just stayed home.

Anyway, Moose is delighted that the robot points out a chocolate stain on his shirt. Moose wants to get going.

The robot death-stares at Moose and tells him to tuck in his fucking shirt.

Later, Archie’s playing frisbee with Red. Wow, remember Red? We haven’t seen him in a while.

Eugene stops by to play with Red. That’s cute.

Then Eugene and Archie walk to school together. Archie tells Red to stay. Um, Archie leaves his dog outside, untied and unsupervised? That’s a recipe for roadkill. I admit my cat has free roam of the yard, but he’s a fat, lazy-ass motherfucker that likes to sleep most of the day.

Aaawww… 😦

“What the fuck?!”

Red doesn’t know what to make of this, takes his frisbee, and leaves. Moose is confused.

Archie and Eugene enter Riverdale Junior High School. Eugene teases a “big-deal project” but can’t tell Archie before testing it.

Because he, too, is a dumbass, Reggie mistakes the robot for Eugene and demands to see his homework. Apparently, Eugene is not above letting Reggie copy his homework. The robot is, though, and lets him know it.

Ms. Grundy overhears and busts “Reginald”.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee tries to sneak a snack, but Ms. Grundy reminds him that he’s starting his diet today.

The robot tries to get smart about Mr. Weatherbee’s weight, and Moose has to shut him up. After some banter, Mr. Weatherbee throws his snack in the trash can, probably figuring he’d get caught again. Why doesn’t he just eat in the privacy of his own office? Anyway, he sees this:

He blames the diet, claiming he’s “weak from hunger”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-26-Eugene-Reggie.jpgIn class, Reggie tells Eugene that he got an hour’s detention. Eugene apologizes and then offers Reggie his homework to copy quick.

At lunch, Jughead approaches the robot and Moose and asks which “lucky guy” will loan him “a measley five bucks”. The robot calls Jughead out on his bullshit, which Moose finds hilarious. Jughead wonders what’s with “Eugene”. Moose suggests trying Big Ethel, because she’s “always got money”. Okay, um, Ethel isn’t exactly rich or anything close in the comics, but whatever. Jughead dismisses it, saying he’s “not that desperate” and doesn’t wanna hang out with her.

Betty has shit luck with her locker. Haha, I remember trying to fit everything in my locker back in the day. Never ripped a sweater in the process, though.

Eugene comes by and compliments the color (of her sweater, I guess). She thanks him and offers to “grab a sandwich” with him. He politely declines and walks away.

Holy shit, that’s a big burger! Don’t let Jughead see it!

Anyway, Moose suggests the robot come to watch him at the track and field tryouts. Wow, that’s arrogant. The robot decides to try out himself and chastises Moose for talking with his mouth full.

Moose isn’t sure what to make of “Eugene” trying out but then gives him a hamburger (he has “plenty”), thinking “Eugene” “forgot” his lunch.

Betty comes by and is like “What the fuck?” The robot insults Betty’s outfit. Betty gets confused and then pissed off. What she doesn’t do is take note of the obviously mechanical parts and robotic-sounding voice of her supposed friend.

Yeah, everyone on this show is a fucking idiot.

Anyway, Betty storms off, and Ms. Grundy randomly walks over to their table with an empty tray – for absolutely no reason except so the robot can put his huge burger on her tray and insult her weight. Oh, and he also insults her hairdo and suggests “a complete makeover”. She gives him an hour of detention today – “after school”. Um, is there another kind?

Anyway, Moose guesses “Eugene” won’t be at tryouts. “Eugene” says “I’ll be there.”

After the commercial break, Mr. Weatherbee complains about the “rabbit food” that he has to eat.

Both Eugenes walk past his door, confusing him. How does Eugene not see the robot walking directly in front of him?

Later, Amani calls out to “Eugene”, and he criticizes her for yelling (it’s not “ladylike”). She’s pissed but also needs his help with her computer project, so she’ll meet him at their “usual place” after school. I guess they stuck to those computer lessons. She says “Gotta run” and leaves.

For some reason, this causes the robot to short circuit.

Later, Eugene asks his “buddy” Moose where he’s been all day. Moose finds this funny and says he’ll see Eugene at tryouts. Eugene says he isn’t coming and leaves, confusing Moose.

Later, Moose encounters the robot, which is dressed for tryouts, confusing him. The robot tells Moose to eat more fish – “brain food”.

Somehow, Moose doesn’t murder it.

Later, Ethel and “Juggie” pass them on their way to Pop’s. The robot calls Jughead “desperate”.

Ethel gets angry.

Jughead “predicts” a storm and uses it as an excuse to run away.

Ethel confronts “Eugene”. Jughead told it that he’d have to be desperate to borrow money from her.

She whacks him in the face with her purse. He runs away, and she chases him.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee leaves his office, sees only one Eugene, and decides the worst must be over.

Spoke too soon.

Mr. Weatherbee decides he needs food to avoid seeing things.

Later, Eugene makes a passing mention to Betty about the “brutal” math test that they’d had.

This pisses her off.

Eugene asks “Juggie” what happened to him. Jughead gets pissed.

Eugene wonders what the fuck’s going on.

Ms. Grundy nabs Eugene and throws his ass in detention.

Reggie vows revenge. Eugene is hopelessly lost. Ms. Grundy piles on fifteen or fifty more minutes for talking.

“I don’t understand! Someone please explain!”

At the tryouts, Moose throws a discus and does pretty good.

Moose cautions his “little buddy” to be careful while throwing the heavy discus.

Somehow, this doesn’t tip anyone off, but, then again, humans on this show regularly demonstrate superhuman capabilities.

The coach gets excited over “Eugene” (again) and violates personal boundaries.

Moose is done.

Later, at Pop’s, Amani chews Eugene out for being late. He’s confused and doesn’t answer when she asks where he was, giving her the idea that he doesn’t want to help her.

Eugene goes inside.

Jughead, Moose, and Betty are here – and want nothing to do with Eugene. He leaves.

Mr. Weatherbee is here, too. He sees the robot out the window and freaks out again.

Eugene comes home, still confused, and realizes his robot is gone.

Back at Pop’s, the gang (sans Veronica, who I guess is absent today) discusses Eugene’s odd behavior. Archie suggests checking up on him.

This warrants a group cheer.

Mr. Weatherbee wonders what to do and apparently contemplates suicide.

The robot just happens to show up…for some reason. It causes Mr. Weatherbee to fall in the water, and then it admonishes him for not reading the sign. Mr. Weatherbee says he can’t swim. As he drowns, the robot says “Hmmm. Well, then, technically, you’re not breaking the law.” Okay, that was pretty funny. 🙂

The gang shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee cries out for help. The robot is conflicted but eventually decides he has to help.

“Eugene” saves Mr. Weatherbee. The gang cheers.

Mr. Weatherbee comes to…

…and faints upon seeing “Eugene”.

“Eugene” says it serves him right for not reading.

Moose doesn’t take kindly to that.

He angsts over decapitating his “little buddy”.

Archie points out that it’s a robot, and Moose is upset that his “best friend” is a robot.

Mr. Weatherbee wakes up and sees this:

Surprisingly, he doesn’t faint. Also, why do the robot’s eyes open on their own?

Eugene suddenly shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee freaks out and…

Then the decapitated robot touches Mr. Weatherbee’s arm.

It goes as you’d expect.

Eugene laughs as he finally realizes what’s been going on.

As he reaches down to help Betty onto the dock, the robot knocks him into the water.

It’s all good, though.

This segment was kinda funny, but it relied too much on 1) everyone being too much of an idiot to see a robot for what it was, 2) no one except Mr. Weatherbee encountering two Eugenes throughout the day, and 3) everyone just randomly showing up at the dock at the end.

Comics – Skateboardin’ Blossom

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: John Lowe*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 26
Cover Date: October, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Veronica and Betty are at the beach. Veronica’s pissed that Archie and Reggie are ignoring them in favor of skateboarding. Cheryl comes by and asks them what’s the matter. Veronica is irritated, but Betty greets Cheryl. Cheryl says they look like “a couple of skateboard widows”. That’s pretty funny. 🙂

Veronica insults Cheryl, but Betty invites Cheryl to join them and even offers to share sandwiches with her. Judging from Veronica’s comment, it seems they brought the extra sandwiches for Archie and Reggie. Cheryl insults Veronica and then invites Archie and Reggie to join her for lunch. To her shock, they ignore her.

Veronica is amused and insults Cheryl. Cheryl’s pissed. Betty advises Cheryl that it’s a losing battle. Cheryl says the boys are just momentarily distracted by a fad and just need “a little shake-up”. She takes out her cell phone, calls Jamie, and requests her skateboard equipment. For some reason, Veronica and Betty are confused by this. Then Betty holds up her own skateboard (white with red hearts on the bottom and blue wheels) and helmet and tells Cheryl that she tried that idea (she was in their way).

Before we move on, I want to comment on a few outfit choices. Betty is wearing a midriff-baring sleeveless shirt with a boob window. Kinda risque for her, but whatever. Cheryl is covering her bikini bottom with a piece of torn cloth that she’d tied together at her right leg. In what universe is that a fashion do? Did she do that solely to avoid getting sunburned on her ass cheeks?

Jamie arrives. Cheryl puts on her elbow and knee pads and sneakers – and also swaps her revealing bikini bottom and stupid tied cloth for a bigger bikini bottom (though that’s likely just an art error). This is all while Betty is still speaking. I’d mentioned this before, but it really is a weird problem unique to comic books. Anyway, Cheryl thanks Jamie, puts on her helmet, takes her skateboard (white with purple blossoms and a purple star on it – and with purple wheels), and advises “poor little Betty” to watch and learn. Cheryl pulls off some sick moves, being a genuinely talented skateboarder. She earns praise from Reggie, Archie, and Betty (though the latter is more astonished). Veronica’s pissed and vows to put an end to it. She grabs their beach towel, knocking all of their shit onto the sand.

Veronica tears the beach towel, making Cheryl think she’s torn her bikini bottom. Cheryl freaks out (though I don’t know why it would concern her) and covers her ass with her hands, but she still manages to do rad stunts with no hands, earning even more praise and attention from Archie and Reggie. Cheryl checks her bikini bottom and is relieved. As Cheryl gets all of the guys’ attention, Betty sarcastically asks Veronica if her “next big idea” is to start the “Roller Blossom” Fan Club.

This story is pretty cute. Not much else to say.

Comics – Fashion Emergency

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: John Lowe*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 26
Cover Date: October, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl knocks on Jason’s bedroom door and tells him to hurry the fuck up, because they’ll be late for the Lodges’ yacht party. Jason invites her in, saying he’s ready. She goes in and is shocked at what he’s wearing: dress pants, a sleeveless white shirt, and a tie. Um, oh, no? He’s like “What the fuck?”

Cheryl corrects him that this is a yacht party, not a wedding. She says she got all of the “cool fashion DNA”. He asks what’s wrong with his clothes. She says they’re too conservative. He says Mom likes them. Cheryl pisses him off about getting his cheeks pinched and offers herself as his guide to get into “fine and funky fashion”.

At the party, Jason checks out Betty and goes over to say hi to her and Veronica, confident that Betty will like his clothes. Mistaking him for the waiter, Veronica orders another cola. Then she apologizes, embarrassed. Betty asks Jason if he’s hot in that outfit.

That remark turns Veronica’s (and Betty’s) attention over to Archie (who’s talking with Cheryl), and they forget all about Jason. Veronica makes a guess as to the brand that Archie’s wearing, and Betty decides they should ask him about it. Do teens really care about inane shit like that, even rich teens? Anyway, Jason starts talking about his tie, but they don’t care. Hermione Lodge notices Jason’s tie, and one of her friends pinches his cheeks. Jason runs to Cheryl for help.

The next day, Cheryl takes Jason to the “source” of fashion: her teenzine, Fresh. They go into a fashion shoot for upcoming cool teen styles. She starts to show him some clothes. Just then, the photographer runs over to her with an emergency: their male model for the “Lover” shoot never showed up. Cheryl quickly makes Jason fill in, even though he starts to protest.

On another day, Betty, Veronica, and Midge are positively orgasmic as they check out Jason on the cover of their copies of Fresh. Cheryl is very pleased with herself.

This story is pretty cute. Not much else to say.

Comics – A Midsummer’s Magic

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inking: Jim Amash
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Stephanie Vozzo
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 34
Cover Date: September, 2000
Length: 11 pages

Cheryl and Jason are at the beach. Cheryl’s got her boombox and a music CD and is putting sun block on herself. Jason falls for a girl – unrealistically entirely in the shadows – playing volleyball and asks who she is. Cheryl tells Jason to control himself and is about to say it’s probably Betty.

But then, in shock, she realizes it’s Sabrina, who’s playing volleyball with Betty. Cheryl screams Sabrina’s name out loud, which surely won’t attract her attention (actually, it doesn’t). Jason asks why Cheryl’s scared of a pretty girl and makes a joke. Cheryl says she had a “way weird experience” during their first meeting. Flashback time!

It was during the summer when Jason and their parents went to Italy, and Cheryl went to sleep-away camp. Daaaw, Cheryl was a cute kid. Wait. Her head was wider than the width between her shoulders back then. Where have I seen that before?

Yep, this is a crossover between Cheryl Blossom and Sabrina. Sabrina was Archie’s tie-in comic to the then-recently-ended Sabrina: The Animated Series. You can read all about that here. Anyway, that should make Cheryl around twelve in this flashback. Cheryl was “young and carefree” and “looking forward to roughing it in the wilderness”. The limo drops Cheryl off at Camp Timberlake. Sabrina and Chloe are impressed. The chauffeur (Jamie?) helps “Miss Cheryl” out of the limo. Cheryl introduces herself to Sabrina and Chloe. Sabrina introduces herself and Chloe to Cheryl. Cheryl brought “a wonderful wardrobe of funky fashions” and offers to share them with the girls – while simultaneously insulting their current clothes. Chloe is pissed. Sabrina is surprised. A counselor comes by with the bunk assignments (which Sabrina is unrealistically excited about).

Cheryl, however, brought her own lodgings. Yeah, Cheryl brought a full fucking house (which is just suddenly there). She invites Sabrina and Chloe to stay with her. Sabrina is surprised. Chloe seems suspicious. The camp counselor, perhaps a bit intimidated, agrees to let the girls bunk together.

Later that week, Chloe talks a nervous Sabrina into zapping her hair back to normal (Cheryl had given her a disastrous do after the counselor told her to tidy up). Sabrina is sure Cheryl meant well. Chloe doesn’t think so. Sabrina suggests swimming down by the lake. Before we move on, I need to address the big problem with this story: it’s Cheryl’s flashback, but it frequently breaks perspective, showing stuff that Cheryl never would have been aware of. Honestly, this feels more like a story that should have been printed in Sabrina and guest-starred Cheryl.

At the lake, Cheryl has turned their swim time into a fashion show. Chloe and Sabrina are in disbelief. Chloe is pissed, but Sabrina finds Cheryl’s bikini kind of cute. Chloe says Cheryl’s worse than Gem Stone. Sabrina tells Chloe to give Cheryl a break, saying she’s just outgoing. Chloe goes on about Cheryl and wants Sabrina to zap Cheryl out of here, which Sabrina refuses to do.

Sabrina lectures Chloe about tolerance. Chloe points out that Cheryl is flirting with Harvey (who’s here, too, it seems). Sabrina gets pissed and declares “Cheryl Blossom has to go!!!”

Sabrina, much to Chloe’s amusement, invites Cheryl on a girls-only camping trip tomorrow. Cheryl’s excited for it and gets ready to call her caterers and get a camper. Sabrina puts a stop to that, saying it’s “all arranged”. Cheryl hopes she doesn’t get bored. As Cheryl continues flirting with Harvey, Sabrina says she’ll keep her “amused”. Chloe asks Sabrina what she has planned. Sabrina’s “brewing up” something “spooktacular” for their “redhaired problem”.

The next day, as they’re ready to head out, Chloe says it looks like every boy in camp is “under Cheryl’s spell”. A confident Sabrina says not for long. The counselor leads the girls. The boys says bye to Cheryl. Cheryl passes along a compliment that Harvey supposedly gave her, angering Sabrina. Sabrina zaps a heavy rock into Cheryl’s backpack. Rather than check her backpack, Cheryl walks another mile (35 minutes) with that thing. Once they arrive, the counselor tells them to start putting up their tents.

Even though Cheryl’s exhausted, I guess she managed to put up her tent. That night, while Cheryl, Sabrina, and Chloe (seemingly the only girls there) are roasting what look like large Polish sausages over the campfire, Sabrina suggests telling some scary stories. Cheryl starts telling about a perm that she once got. Sabrina cuts her off and says ghost stories. Cheryl is suddenly tired but agrees to hear it. Sabrina had a “great, great grand aunt” named Samantha (how original) that went to this very summer camp. A redhaired girl stole her boyfriend, and it broke her heart (take a guess as to who the characters look like). In her grief, she ran into the woods and was never seen again.

Cheryl is unsympathetic. Sabrina says the campers reported she still walks these same woods at night and haunts all of the red-haired girls who camp here. As if challenging herself to make this story even less convincing, Sabrina says they say her relative even looks like her. Cheryl doesn’t believe a word of it, says she’s pooped from the hike, wishes them good night, and crawls into her tent.

Later that night, Sabrina astral projects (or something) herself into Cheryl’s tent and scares the shit out of her. Cheryl runs off, declaring she’s leaving. Sabrina and Chloe laugh over this, not caring if Cheryl gets lost or eaten or murdered or whatever.

Back in the present, as she finishes her story, Cheryl tells Jason that, when she sees Sabrina, she gets that same chill and has to “beat feet”. Jason thinks his sis is cray-cray. Cheryl puts on her hat and sunglasses and tries to run away, but Archie notices her and calls to her, angering Veronica (who’s suddenly here as well). Sabrina says hi to Cheryl. Cheryl freaks out and runs off, abandoning her sunglasses and hat. Veronica angrily tells Sabrina that, sometimes, she thinks she’s a witch. Sabrina nervously asks why. Veronica lightens up and says, whenever she comes to the beach, she makes Cheryl Blossom disappear. Sabrina laughs. Archie looks at Cheryl running away.

This story is okay but kind of inconsistent, and I really hate that Sabrina put Cheryl into a potentially dangerous situation. Overreact much?

Comics – Take the Mummy and Run!

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inking: John Lowe
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 26
Cover Date: October, 1999
Length: 11 pages

Cheryl, wearing a golden diadem, ankh, and various arm jewelry, stands in front of a sphinx and fancies herself to be a royal princess of Egypt.

It turns out that she’s just at the museum with her mom and Jason, though. Jason comes by, showing off the tacky shit that the museum souvenir stand is selling. He makes fun of the “desert princess”.

It turns out that their parents own the museum, and Cheryl lectures Jason about learning. Penelope and Jamie come by. Cheryl’s happy to see her mom, but Jason complains about Cheryl. Penelope drags both of them to see the new addition to the Egyptian wing.

Cheryl and Jamie are impressed. The museum has the “authentic Egyptian mummy” of the pharaoh Narmer. Cheryl notices the painting behind the sarcophagus and correctly guesses it’s him. Penelope also points out his queen (possibly Neithhotep). Jason points out (seemingly somewhat jealous) that the queen looks like Cheryl. Cheryl says she always knew she was royalty in a past life. Jason insults her.

Suddenly, Dr. Carter, the archaeologist that sold the Blossoms the new additions for the mummy exhibit, shows up and flirts with Cheryl. Penelope introduces him. Cheryl gets a lady-boner for this middle-aged man with graying temples. However, Jamie gets bad vibes from him. Dr. Carter flirts with both Blossom women. Jamie uses her psychic abilities to look into Dr. Carter’s intentions. Cheryl’s in love, but he’s after the Blossoms’ money. Penelope introduces Cheryl to Dr. Carter.

Jamie pushes Cheryl away, bullshitting about her being late for her swing dance lesson. This confuses everyone (except Jason, who’s bored). Cheryl, still in love, says bye to Dr. Carter. Dr. Carter compliments Cheryl to Penelope. Penelope invites him to tomorrow evening’s gala and gives him an invitation. Seeing Cheryl on the card, he accepts. Jason’s bored and wants to leave. Penelope, irritated, agrees. She says goodbye to “Mr. Carter”.

As he watches them leave, Carter silently exposits about using his “suave ways” to sell the Blossoms fake shit (which he hopes to do for years). He tosses the invitation onto the sarcophagus.

Later, when no one is around, it opens, and a hand reaches out for the invitation…

The next day, at Blossom Manor, in Cheryl’s bedroom, as Cheryl’s applying her lipstick, Jamie asks Cheryl who will be her date for the gala. Cheryl says her dad couldn’t make it, so Dr. Carter offered to accompany her mom and her. Jamie suggests Archie instead. Cheryl lists Dr. Carter’s supposed important qualifications. Sugar’s just interested in Cheryl’s make-up on her vanity. Jamie tries to warn Cheryl about Dr. Carter, but Cheryl calls her a worry-wart. Jamie should just be honest with Cheryl that she’s still psychic. Cheryl has put on different gold bling for the gala, including a diadem with a triple moon (waxing crescent, full moon, and waning crescent), which is a typical symbol of the Goddess in Wicca.

In a while, at the museum, Penelope is pleased with the decorations. A short man named Jacques asks if they should open the sarcophagus lid now. She agrees, wishing the soon-arriving guests to view the mummy. However, to Jacques and Penelope’s shock, the mummy is gone. Penelope orders for the police to be called and the museum to be searched.

The mummy arrives in Dr. Carter’s office, where Dr. Carter is happily expositing his evil plan to himself.

As he’s about to leave to join the gala, the mummy confronts him, and a lot of unseen – but, no doubt, intense – shit goes down. Dr. Carter screams for help. Two cops arrive. One of them kicks down the door.

The cops are confused that there’s no one else in here. Dr. Carter just keeps screaming “Mummy!” Penelope and Cheryl arrive. As Penelope examines the smashed artifacts that she’d recently bought, she discovers they’re fakes. One of the cops discovers the mummy, who’s lying on a wooden board and clutching the invitation in his right hand. Penelope is relieved. Cheryl asks about the thing in his hand.

Penelope tells her. Cheryl asks why it’s in the mummy’s hand. Penelope says this is spooky. She guesses their “friend” was trying to warn them about Dr. Carter. Cheryl is outraged. She then asks her mom for her guess as to how the mummy got here. Penelope opens the locket hanging from the mummy’s neck and sees a picture of his queen inside. Penelope says “Cheryl, sometimes even hundreds of centuries won’t stop you from protecting the one you love.” Daaawww… Cheryl is left to ponder this, and the story ends.

This story is really nice. It doesn’t definitively state Cheryl is the reincarnation of the Egyptian queen (who might have even ruled as pharaoh in her own right); it just leaves it open-ended and gives Cheryl – and us – something to think about.

Regardless, though, why does the Egyptian queen look suspiciously like a modern Scottish-American teenager?

There’s a page of fan art between the two parts of this story and a “Flair for Hair” fashion page after it.