Writer: Dan Parent
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo
Inking: Jon D’Agostino
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 3
Cover Date: June, 1997
Length: 21 pages
Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.
There’s a very brief recap of “Join the Club”. More like an explanation of the setting, really.
At Club Blossom, Cheryl is excited upon reading a letter from a band called Hurling Nuggets (I can’t tell if this is a parody of anything) in which they agree to perform at Club Blossom. Why is Club Blossom in quotes? Well, whatever. Louella doesn’t know how to react, but Cheryl assures her that Hurling Nuggets is hot shit.
Unfortunately, Cheryl had already agreed to all of their stage requirements, including a giant spaceship. She goes to call the contractors, but Louella stops her (and scares the shit out of her), says it’s not in their budget, says they can’t run to her dad for money, and says they can use only “appropriate” funds. Louella says the band will have to either perform as is or go elsewhere. Cheryl fumes.
Later, Cheryl’s watching a knockoff of This Old House. Jason comes by to make fun of her for her plans being shot down. Cheryl tells him to shut the fuck up. She’s watching the show for inspiration. The show is hosted by a Bob Vila knockoff, even though he hadn’t hosted for 8 years by this point. Cheryl gets the idea to have the show do the work. Jason is skeptical, but Cheryl is confident. She says the place needs other work done, too. As if on cue, Jason pulls a door knob right off a door. Ha.
The next day, the TV crew arrives. I’m pretty sure it takes far longer than that for them to agree to and start on a project, but this is excused by Cheryl’s fame. Bob says they saw all of Cheryl’s publicity stunts and names knockoffs of Hard Copy, A Current Affair (which had been off the air since August 30 of the previous year), and Inside Edition. A footnote refers the reader to the first two issues of the ongoing series “plus other back issues, too!” A lighting guy says Cheryl is “a publicist’s dream”. They’re hoping Cheryl’s “magic” can boost them out of their ratings dip. They agreed to do all of the work for free – on the condition that Cheryl is their “tool girl”. Yeah, as if you couldn’t tell already, this story was inspired by Home Improvement. Jason wants to help. Bob tells him to stay out of his “genius” sister’s way.
Clifford comes to Club Blossom. He’s impressed with Cheryl’s “very resourceful idea”. Bob starts off the show and introduces Cheryl, who’s wearing a skimpy outfit. The TV crew gets boners. Clifford is mildly scandalized (but seems unusually happy). Bob wants to tear down a railing and asks Cheryl for a crowbar.
Unfortunately, Cheryl loses her grip and drops it on his foot, possibly breaking his toe. Cheryl apologizes. Bob’s assistant, Hank, will sand some boards. Hank, who has a boner, asks Cheryl for help. Cheryl goes to get the sandpaper. Hank stares at Cheryl’s ass, walks into a sawhorse, and injures himself. Jason volunteers to sub for him (I think he just wants to get on camera), but Clifford sends in Archie instead.
Archie runs over. Clifford tells Archie that he will be Bob and Cheryl’s assistant on this show. Jason questions the wisdom of this. Clifford’s still got a man-crush on Archie. Bob wants some lumber moved.
Archie roughly whacks Cheryl in the ass with it and knocks her to the floor. She yells at him. He apologizes to “sweets”. Jason has a good laugh. Bob has Archie unroll some insulation, and Archie somehow manages to whack Cheryl in the ass with it.
Cheryl angrily asks Archie if he slapped her on the ass. He says it was the insulation. She grabs it from him and whacks him in the ass with it. Bob gives Archie a staple gun for the insulation, and Archie somehow manages to staple Cheryl to the wall (off her feet at that). Cheryl yells at the “goober” and demands he get her down. Bob tells Clifford that he needs someone more skilled than Archie. Jason offers to help. Clifford won’t let him on TV. However, Jason meant…
…Betty, who’s a wiz at carpentry. Cheryl isn’t pleased and would rather have Archie back. Apparently, the show is filmed instead of taped, which is odd for a show like this. Anyway, Betty knows what to do regarding installing a window, and Cheryl seems upset that…Betty’s smarter than her? I guess?
Anyway, the window is installed. Betty, Jason, and Clifford are pleased. Cheryl isn’t. They take a break. Archie compliments Betty on her knowledge. Cheryl invites Archie to have a soda with her.
Archie agrees. Betty’s upset over being ditched, and Bob asks Betty to build the next set for them to work on. Cheryl’s pleased that Betty’s occupied.
The next day, Jason hates the loud sounds of carpentry. Cheryl is unconcerned, since it’ll look great in the end. Did Cheryl just compliment Betty? Anyway, Jason’s concerned that it’s keeping the guests awake. Right on cue, a guest complains. The Clumpitts come over and complain as well, since they can’t get any sleep either. Cheryl’s surprised that…loud noises bother people? Maybe?
The Clumpitts demand to know what the fuck is going on. Cheryl insults them, slams the door in their faces, and then gives them an explanation. The Clumpitts are suspicious.
Back in their treehouse, they use their “trusty” telescope to spy on the people at Club Blossom. The son and dad spy a cutie in room 28 and get boners.
Back at Club Blossom, Jason is upset. It seems he had brought Betty on in the hope of having some time with her, but the crew is using her full time. He also seems to be upset that Cheryl and Archie are rekindling their romance.
Soon, Bob says they’re ready to film the next sequence. Cheryl excuses herself from “sugarlips”. Jason arrives with Hank, who’s better now. Hank wants Cheryl to keep her distance. Asshole, don’t blame the girl for your lust-filled daze.
Betty gets permission from Bob to leave, and she hooks up with Archie. Cheryl is shaken.
Soon, Bob announces the completion of the expansion. Cheryl goes off to look for Betty and Archie and finds them in the spaceship. Jason demands Archie come down, since he works for them.
In the treehouse, the Clumpitts see the spaceship and believe aliens have landed – or the Blossoms are the aliens. For fuck’s sake…
Anyway, there’s a single light bulb in the treehouse, so it seems they do have electricity…somehow. Instead of calling the F.B.I. right away, they’re gonna investigate.
Back at Club Blossom, Cheryl takes Archie away, supposedly to work. Jason takes Betty to Pop Tate’s for a soda. Louella informs Cheryl that their “guests” have arrived. Cheryl guesses they’re the Hurling Nuggets. One of the members guesses Cheryl is “Sharon Flowers”.
Cheryl angrily corrects her, but the woman doesn’t give a shit. Cheryl informs them that they’re just finishing up the set for the show. The woman orders Cheryl to take them to their room and gives her a long list of the items that they’re requiring. Cheryl asks for their thoughts on the spaceship and reaches for a rope to lower it. Bob warns her against pulling the rope, because it’s not ready, but it’s too late. The spaceship falls toward the stage. Cheryl calls out a warning. The spaceship lands on Bob. Cheryl nervously makes an insensitive joke. Bob angrily asks her if she has insurance.
The big night arrives. The place is packed. Cheryl is with the band up by the spaceship. She explains she’ll announce them as soon as the spaceship lands and the door opens. The bitch woman from earlier reminds Cheryl that the band will then come out and wants to make sure Cheryl’s got it. Um, what? That’s self-explanatory. It seems to me that what Cheryl was telling them was more important. Cheryl realizes they forgot to attach the front door to the spaceship since she injured Bob. Um, what? The spaceship had to repositioned after the accident; how did they overlook the door? Anyway, Cheryl wants one of them to help her nail the hinges on, but the bitch (who’s a guitarist in the band) refuses.
With only two minutes left to showtime, Cheryl calls Archie up to help her. Cheryl goes into the spaceship with the band (to check the work from the inside, I guess) and initially thanks Archie, but the dumbass has accidentally nailed the door to the spaceship and trapped her inside. Cheryl is pissed. Archie’s scared when the ship starts moving, but Cheryl (I guess) informs him that it’s pre-programmed to do that.
Cheryl pounds on the door and demands to be let out. The male guitarist tells her to calm down. The band reeks, since they don’t bathe (in order to conserve water) and apparently don’t fight their bad breath. As the spaceship lands, someone inside orders the smoke and fireworks to be set off. Jason decides to do the announcing, but the Clumpitts storm the stage. The son has a baseball bat. Cheryl is happy that they’re being rescued but, once the Clumpitts bust open the door, decides to stay. The dad informs…someone that they’re here to save…someone from “those ugly aliens”. Who? And is Cheryl not the alien anymore?
Oh, wait, yes, she is, seeing as how the redneck dad is manhandling her. Oh, wait. As he stuffs her in a giant sack (seriously), he talks of de-programming her. So she’s a victim of the aliens? There’s no use in trying to figure out the mind of a hillbilly. Anyway, as the dad and mom run off with Cheryl, an audience member finds it cool. Archie (dumbass that he is) left his tools on the stage (when?). The Clumpitts trip, and Cheryl flies free of the sack. Some members of the audience catch her. Others laugh. A quick-thinking Cheryl passes it off as part of the show. The band starts playing. The Clumpitts are put off by the loud music and just give up and leave.
Later (same night? I don’t know, but Cheryl’s wearing the same outfit), Louella informs Clifford and Cheryl that, with all of the damage from the show, they need more work done. Cheryl says the TV show has agreed to film more shows here. Clifford guesses they like what Cheryl did for the ratings. Cheryl confirms it but says she’s taking a breather. Betty’s hanging around (for some reason; maybe she attended the concert?), and Cheryl wants Archie away from her. Clifford asks Cheryl who the tool girl is going to be. Cheryl presents Jason, who’s wearing a skimpy outfit and introduces himself as the new “tool guy”. So Jason finally got his wish of being on the show. Cheryl’s happy for him. Betty seems amused but doesn’t think the world’s ready for another Blossom.
This story was pretty funny, but the Clumpitts seriously need to go. They’re nothing but annoying. Cheryl should call the police and have them charged with attempted kidnapping.
Between Parts 1 and 2 is a page of Cheryl fan art with entries from Karen Reno of Rolla, Missouri; Demy Potter of Big Rapids, Michigan; Ashlea Weston of Hartland, Michigan; Sally B. of Victoria, Australia; and Desara Thomas of Ontario, Canada.
Between Parts 2 and 3 is a 1-page Cheryl illustration titled “Celebrity Looks”. Cheryl narrates it, calling herself a trendsetter but also sharing her celebrity fashion influences, including Gwyneth Paltrow, Alanis Morissette, and Drew Barrymore.
Also between Parts 2 and 3 is a 2-page “Dear Cheryl” letters column by Sara Algase.
According to GCDb, all of the extras are included in the digital edition, but we must consider the possibility that the GCDb contributors use the digital editions when typing up the contents.