Comics – Holi-Daze

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)
Pencils: Holly G!
Inking: John Lowe
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 28
Cover Date: January, 2000
Length: 11 pages

Cheryl is at a salon, getting her hair done. Her hair and outfit in this scene were designed by Jessica Longs of Colorado Springs, Colorado. Anyway, Cheryl’s going on about the “totally outrageous” futuristic Christmas party that she’s planning. Veronica, who’s getting a beauty treatment nearby, calls it “gauche”. Cheryl’s surprised.

Veronica repeats herself and asks Cheryl if she understands French. Cheryl is surprised (and angry) to see her. Um, they’ve been sitting literally a few feet away from each other this whole time. Anyway, Cheryl accuses Veronica of being jealous of her “innovative” holiday idea. Taking the cucumbers off her eyes, Veronica laughs. The Lodges are having a Twelve-Days-of-Christmas theme. The two girls talk shit about each other’s parties for a bit. Cheryl gets up. Veronica yells they’ll see whose party will be the best. For some reason, “party” is stressed in that sentence.

Having been informed by Mr. Lodge of where to find her, Betty comes into the salon with an invitation for “Ronnie”. Veronica’s still angry but manages to greet Betty. Cheryl is happy to see “Bets”, waves, and greets her. Betty greets “Cher” and gets out her invitation as well. She invites both of them to the “Super Duper Cooper Christmas”, a traditional, old-fashioned Christmas; on Christmas Eve, they’re going to curl up in front of a roaring fire, drink hot chocolate, and sing Christmas carols. Veronica lets out a yawn of boredom, which seems to annoy Cheryl.

Veronica calls Betty’s party “cute” but mentions her own. Cheryl smiles and mentions her own as well. The two of them describe their parties, which sound ridiculous and over the top. Betty’s impressed, though, and wishes she could attend both, but it’s a Cooper tradition, and she can’t disappoint her family. Cheryl’s disappointed but seems understanding. Veronica’s just grumpy. Betty thanks Cheryl for the invite and says they’re both welcome to drop by if they have any free time at all on Christmas Eve. Veronica waves but seems to dismiss the possibility. Cheryl waves and says bye to Betty.

Veronica laments “poor Betty” and her family’s “meager budget” for Christmas. Cheryl insults Veronica, pissing her off. Cheryl suddenly realizes she needs to invite Archie to prevent him from being bored at Veronica’s “lame-o” party. Veronica is enraged and decides to storm out of the salon. Amused, Cheryl calls herself gauche and says she’d never wear a mudpack and bathrobe out in the street (“and” is written twice).

Veronica feels awkward but then claims she could pull off such a “fashion statement”. Cheryl giggles and insults Veronica. Veronica screams and runs out to her limo, which is parked right outside. Cheryl walks out after her, waves, laughs, and wishes “Ronnie” a “Happy X-Mess”. Inside her limo, Veronica fumes, vowing to have the last laugh.

On Christmas Eve, at Cheryl’s, Cheryl is on her cell phone with Betty while the workers are setting up her futuristic Christmas shit. Betty gets a beep, so Cheryl says they’ll talk later and lets Betty go. I guess Betty’s family has call waiting, since this was back in the days when Betty didn’t necessarily have a cell phone (in fact, in one story, she used that fact as a joke). Anyway, Betty’s other call is Veronica, who’s giving a status update of her own party. One of the swans gets away, so Veronica has to end the call.

Betty feels sad over missing her friends’ “super” parties. A chipper Alice calls Betty to help her with the popcorn. Betty puts on a happy face and enters the kitchen, where Alice is working on…a cake or brownies or something.

Back at the Blossoms’, Cheryl supervises the hanging of the “Astrosanta” and then has the “electric galaxy” turned on. Jason comes in, dressed like Captain Kirk, having been informed by Penelope that Cheryl was doing the Christmas decorations this year. Cheryl confirms and asks what he thinks. He’s shocked.

Mistaking the source of his reaction, Cheryl realizes she forgot to turn on the Astrosanta. When she tries to plug two cords together (despite the fact that there aren’t prongs on either of them), it causes the power to go out. Jason is pissed. Cheryl suggests they call the “Blossom Power Plant”. Wait, wait, wait. They own a power plant?! Okay, sure, why not?

Unfortunately, someone at Blossom Electric informs Cheryl that the whole plant is down (it’s gotta be their fault and coincidence; there’s no way that Cheryl caused all of that by trying to plug in a stupid Christmas decoration). Cheryl informs Jason that they won’t have any power until tomorrow, cries, and declares her party is ruined.

At the Lodges’, the pond collapses, and the animals run loose. A worker informs “Miss Veronica” that it will take 24 hours to clean this up. Veronica cries over the end of her party. Of note, the Lodges still have power, so does the Blossom Power Plant / Blossom Electric serve only Pembrooke or what? That seems an oddly small service area.

At the Blossoms’, Penelope asks Cheryl what she’ll do for Christmas Eve. Clifford and Jason are pissed at Cheryl.

At the Lodges’, Hiram is pissed at Veronica over the waste of money. Hermione tells him that it could happen to anyone (um, not really). She asks what they do for Christmas Eve.

Simultaneously, Cheryl and Veronica light up as they declare they’re going to Betty’s.

On their way to Betty’s, Cheryl and Veronica tell their families what Betty had told them about the party. Jason, holding a present, gets a boner as he thinks of Betty.

Once they arrive at Betty’s, Veronica and Cheryl have a laugh over the fact that their parties were busts. Cheryl rings the doorbell. When Betty opens the door, Cheryl wishes her “Happy Holidays!” Betty is delighted to see them and invites them in to join the rest.

It’s 9:00 PM. Betty and Jason sit in front of the roaring fire, next to the Christmas tree, and enjoy a bowl of popcorn. Veronica and Hermione enjoy mugs of hot chocolate. Jughead enjoys cookies and milk. Mr. Lodge is present. Reggie, Cheryl, Betty, Jason, Penelope, Clifford, and Archie sing “Deck the Halls”. Caramel sits near Veronica’s feet. Betty’s parents are completely absent. Merry Fucking Christmas.

This story is nice. Not much else to say.

A page of fan art sits between the two parts of this story. A Cheryl Blossom “21st Century Closet!” Christmas fashion page follows the story.


Comics – All Malled Out

Writer: Dan Parent*
Pencils: Dan Parent*
Inking: Jon D’Agostino*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 19
Cover Date: February, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl and Archie are at the mall. Cheryl gets angry upon seeing the mall Santa; she’s tired of seeing them. Archie agrees, saying it kind of over-commercializes the holiday. Cheryl doesn’t care about that; she just thinks the female perspective is shut out. Archie says Santa’s a guy. Cheryl asks about Mrs. Claus.

In comparing Mrs. Claus to Santa, Cheryl references “Wind Beneath My Wings“, which Archie seems dubious about (and amused by). Cheryl heads to the mall’s office to complain to management. The manager points out that Mrs. Claus doesn’t give gifts. Cheryl asks how he knows and then says she’ll represent Mrs. Claus by dressing up as her and taking children’s requests. The old man laughs it off. Cheryl says she’ll go to the news media regarding sex discrimination at the mall (and she also uses a dated, even for the time, “Film at 11” reference). The manager asks when she can start. Cheryl says tomorrow and leaves the office.

The next day, Cheryl shows up at the mall in a sexy Christmas outfit that she got in Paris. Cheryl drags her embarrassed “elf” (Archie) out from behind Santa’s chair. The manager goes along with it. Cheryl takes her seat and has her “elf” bring her the children.

Unfortunately, Cheryl thinks she knows better and suggests different gifts for the children, upsetting them. One boy flat-out rejects Cheryl and demands Santa Claus. Cheryl says he’s busy with his toys, and she’s the “head honcho”.

Just then, the regular mall Santa shows up and takes issue with that. He came to keep an eye on her. The two of them get into an argument (as if they’re the actual Clauses). An elf (not Archie) takes a picture of them yelling at each other.

Some time later, as she and Archie are walking along a sidewalk, Cheryl says, at least, she tried. Archie has a laugh as he shows her her “souvenir” photo. Cheryl says it’ll be great to show her children someday, though she seems neither pleased nor upset. Odd ending.

This story was okay, but the argument near the end was pretty weird.

Comics – Here We Come A Caroling!

Writer: Dan Parent*
Pencils: Dan Parent*
Inking: Jon D’Agostino*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 19
Cover Date: February, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl walks by and notices a “monstrosity”, so she asks Ethel what it is. Ethel explains it’s their “Riverdale Christmas Carol Float”. All of the “districts” (school districts?) in the county are eligible to enter “it” (presumably, she means a float of their own) in the Christmas parade. Cheryl thinks it’s corny. Ethel says they’re sure to win, because Betty is “the best chorus leader around”. So…are they supposed to stand on the float and sing? And what are they going to be judged on? Best performance, best float, or a combination of the two? Anyway, Cheryl is suddenly “feeling a bit festive”.

At her mansion (I guess), Cheryl’s trying to get her Pembrooke schoolmates to enter the contest with her. I recognize Bunny, and I think that’s Cedric, but I don’t recognize the third person (looks like a pointy-nosed Dilton without glasses). Cheryl wants to outdo “those Riverdale schmos”. Bunny says that’s not good enough for them. Cheryl walks off, deciding to hire some singers of her own.

She hires “the famous Broadway singer and dancer, Tommy Tuned”, who arrives at her mansion with his dancers. Cheryl’s ready to practice, but she falls on her ass. Tommy realizes he has his work cut out for him.

Eventually, wearing a leotard, aerobics leggings, and leg warmers, Cheryl asks Tommy how she’s doing. He tells her that she’s as good as she’s going to be. Someone arrives and informs Cheryl that her float is ready. She and Tommy go to take a look. It consists of green “grass” and a bunch of presents under a tree. The tree is black and has Cheryl’s face on it. A sign proclaims “Have a Cheryl Christmas”. Tommy says it’s tacky, even in Las Vegas. Cheryl thinks it’s beautiful.

On the big day, Cheryl is optimistic of her chances of winning as she rides in the truck carrying her float. Unfortunately, a parade official informs her that she can’t enter the float, because it’s not registered. A disappointed Cheryl says nobody told her about it (that’s on her; she should have checked the requirements). He tells her to take the float out of here. Cheryl decides to go on her “own route” and tells the driver to go down Elm Street. He tries to warn her, but she screams at him, and he makes a right. Elm Street comes out on the main parade route. So, um, why was that parade official so far away from the actual parade? And is Cheryl so inept that she arrived late for a parade that’s already in progress?

Anyway, Elm Street’s very hilly. Betty and Archie are watching nearby, and Betty notes the “Vegas nightmare” is coming their way. Cheryl’s float crashes into Betty’s float (the truck somehow disappears in all of this). Betty, Archie, and Dilton are knocked over. Betty stands up and laments they’ll never win now.

Soon, after the mess is cleaned up, someone announces the winner: Riverdale Elementary School. The kids are happy. Ever the opportunist, Cheryl asks some of the “kiddies” if they need a “perky spokesperson”. This confuses the kids.

This story has way too much going on for its short length. It would have been better as a two-parter – or just cut the singing aspect entirely and have it be a simple Christmas float contest.

The story is followed by a two-page “Dear Cheryl” advice column.

Comics – ‘Ti$ the Sea$on

Writer: Bill Golliher
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inking: Jon D’Agostino
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 9
Cover Date: February, 1998
Length: 11 pages

Cheryl and Jason are checking out the presents under the Christmas tree. Clifford comes by, saying he believes Christmas is his favorite time of year. Cheryl agrees, citing the “cool gifts” that she gets. Clifford talks about the “sentiment of the season”: giving and love. Jason and Cheryl are amused. Clifford wonders where he went wrong.

A truck arrives, because Cheryl is having “some” presents delivered. As the delivery guys leave, one of them informs Cheryl that “the other truck” should be here soon. Clifford is surprised, because he can’t see the tree anymore. He asks Cheryl if all of these gifts are for other people. Cheryl admits “some” of them are for her.

Jason admits the same, so Clifford calls them spoiled and selfish. Shocked, Cheryl and Jason insist they aren’t. They then get into a pissing contest over who spends more on the other. Clifford tells them to knock it off, and Cheryl seems to imply she and Jason used to wrestle each other, but they’re “above that” now. Jason mentions they wrestled some “townies” one summer.

Jason and Cheryl want blank checks to buy each other expensive shit, but Clifford refuses and makes his credit cards off limits as well. He says, if they want to buy something for each other, they’re gonna have to do it themselves and sacrifice a little. He leaves. Jason and Cheryl are confused as to what “sacrifice” means, so she looks for a dictionary on a bookshelf. Seriously? How dumb do they have to be?

After they search for a bit, Jason finds a dictionary, looks up sacrifice, and reads about the religious kind of sacrifice. Cheryl freaks out, thinking her dad wants them to kill each other. Then Jason reads the second definition, which makes more sense, but Cheryl thinks it’s pointless. Jason suggests killing each other. Neither of them have any ideas and wish each other luck as they leave.

Cheryl invites Betty over, which makes Betty happy. Cheryl needs advice. Betty is confused over what that could possibly be. Cheryl explains. They sit down. They trade some banter. Cheryl accuses Betty of bleaching her hair. Um, sweetie, you have black eyebrows. I wouldn’t go around accusing other people of fake hair colors.

Betty suggests promising to be nice to Jason for the year. Cheryl would rather spend a fortune. Betty asks if Jason has something that’s very precious to him. Cheryl gets up and has Betty follow her.

They go to the garage. Jason got a hot red Italian sports car for his birthday. Betty’s impressed. Betty suggests getting Jason an accessory for it. Cheryl loves the idea. As they discuss this, their reflections are shown in the driver’s side rear-view mirror, even though they’re standing in front of the car. Anyway, Cheryl decides to get Jason his own separate, climate-controlled double garage with a live-in mechanic. Betty was thinking more like a car-vac. Cheryl opens the garage door, pushes Betty outside, thanks her, and invites her to come again. Betty is confused but goes along with it. I wouldn’t be sitting by the phone, waiting for her to call. Betty angrily wishes Cheryl a Merry Christmas and leaves. Cheryl doesn’t exactly wish her the same. She then wonders what to give up to afford the garage.

Later, in her bedroom, Cheryl considers selling stocks, bonds, jewelry, or cars. Bitch has a fucking wall safe in her room. Anyway, she finally comes to a decision.

Meanwhile, Jason has Cedric over, and they’re watching Sabrina on TV (yeah, ha, ha, but a simple explanation is she got on TV for whatever reason). Jason asks Cedric for ideas. Cedric asks about Cheryl’s interests. Jason says, besides making his life miserable, bossing others around. That gives Jason an idea. Cedric asks where he’ll get the cash from.

Possible typo: “And so, when Christmas arrived…” instead of “arrives”.

Jason and Cheryl thank their parents for their presents. Clifford reminds them of their gifts to each other. Cheryl points out the window, where Jason sees his new garage on a truck.

Jason gets choked up and thanks Cheryl. Clifford whispers to Penelope about his surprise that Jason’s actually showing emotion – as if he never shows any emotion at all. Jason whistles, and a complete staff for Cheryl’s mountain chalet arrives. Cheryl starts sobbing. The siblings hug each other and continue sobbing. Cliff asks why they’re “basket cases”. Guess what they each sold. Yeah. Hilarious.

Clifford compares this situation to “Gift of the Magi” by O. Henry. Cheryl amusingly thinks the author was named after the candy bar. Anyway, Penelope points out that, unlike the couple in the story, Cheryl and Jason are filthy rich. Clifford and Penelope are proud of their kids, but then Cheryl asks for another chalet for her birthday, and Jason asks for another Italian sports car. Clifford is upset, and Penelope throws up her hands and wishes him a Merry Christmas.

This story is pretty funny. I don’t have much else to say, except Part 1 is unusually short (at only four pages).

There’s a “Cheryl’s Christmas Style” fashion page after it, followed by a one-page story called “Occupied” in which Salem (yeah, Sabrina’s cat) ties up the restroom, because he doesn’t use a litter box.

The New Archies, Segment 24 – Making of Mr. Righteous

Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with…these two random girls walking as Eugene talks.

They walk past Eugene’s house.

Eugene has made a robotic duplicate of himself and is wrongly convinced no one could tell the difference. Um, I can.

He turns the robot off, not having time to test it today.

Unfortunately, at the same time as Eugene leaves out the back door, Moose arrives through the front door. Two questions: Why does Eugene run out the back door? (Answer: So he and Moose miss each other; that’s it.) And why the fuck does Moose just run into Eugene’s house unannounced? Who does that in real life?

Of course, Moose is a dumbass and thinks “Eugene” is just playing funny by standing completely still. He accidentally activates the robot. Oh, and he ran in here to get Eugene for school, because they’re running late. I know I haven’t addressed this yet, but since when do junior high students walk/run/skateboard to school? I know I never did that. I took the school bus. On the very rare days that I missed the bus, and neither of my parents were home, I just stayed home.

Anyway, Moose is delighted that the robot points out a chocolate stain on his shirt. Moose wants to get going.

The robot death-stares at Moose and tells him to tuck in his fucking shirt.

Later, Archie’s playing frisbee with Red. Wow, remember Red? We haven’t seen him in a while.

Eugene stops by to play with Red. That’s cute.

Then Eugene and Archie walk to school together. Archie tells Red to stay. Um, Archie leaves his dog outside, untied and unsupervised? That’s a recipe for roadkill. I admit my cat has free roam of the yard, but he’s a fat, lazy-ass motherfucker that likes to sleep most of the day.

Aaawww… 😦

“What the fuck?!”

Red doesn’t know what to make of this, takes his frisbee, and leaves. Moose is confused.

Archie and Eugene enter Riverdale Junior High School. Eugene teases a “big-deal project” but can’t tell Archie before testing it.

Because he, too, is a dumbass, Reggie mistakes the robot for Eugene and demands to see his homework. Apparently, Eugene is not above letting Reggie copy his homework. The robot is, though, and lets him know it.

Ms. Grundy overhears and busts “Reginald”.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee tries to sneak a snack, but Ms. Grundy reminds him that he’s starting his diet today.

The robot tries to get smart about Mr. Weatherbee’s weight, and Moose has to shut him up. After some banter, Mr. Weatherbee throws his snack in the trash can, probably figuring he’d get caught again. Why doesn’t he just eat in the privacy of his own office? Anyway, he sees this:

He blames the diet, claiming he’s “weak from hunger”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-26-Eugene-Reggie.jpgIn class, Reggie tells Eugene that he got an hour’s detention. Eugene apologizes and then offers Reggie his homework to copy quick.

At lunch, Jughead approaches the robot and Moose and asks which “lucky guy” will loan him “a measley five bucks”. The robot calls Jughead out on his bullshit, which Moose finds hilarious. Jughead wonders what’s with “Eugene”. Moose suggests trying Big Ethel, because she’s “always got money”. Okay, um, Ethel isn’t exactly rich or anything close in the comics, but whatever. Jughead dismisses it, saying he’s “not that desperate” and doesn’t wanna hang out with her.

Betty has shit luck with her locker. Haha, I remember trying to fit everything in my locker back in the day. Never ripped a sweater in the process, though.

Eugene comes by and compliments the color (of her sweater, I guess). She thanks him and offers to “grab a sandwich” with him. He politely declines and walks away.

Holy shit, that’s a big burger! Don’t let Jughead see it!

Anyway, Moose suggests the robot come to watch him at the track and field tryouts. Wow, that’s arrogant. The robot decides to try out himself and chastises Moose for talking with his mouth full.

Moose isn’t sure what to make of “Eugene” trying out but then gives him a hamburger (he has “plenty”), thinking “Eugene” “forgot” his lunch.

Betty comes by and is like “What the fuck?” The robot insults Betty’s outfit. Betty gets confused and then pissed off. What she doesn’t do is take note of the obviously mechanical parts and robotic-sounding voice of her supposed friend.

Yeah, everyone on this show is a fucking idiot.

Anyway, Betty storms off, and Ms. Grundy randomly walks over to their table with an empty tray – for absolutely no reason except so the robot can put his huge burger on her tray and insult her weight. Oh, and he also insults her hairdo and suggests “a complete makeover”. She gives him an hour of detention today – “after school”. Um, is there another kind?

Anyway, Moose guesses “Eugene” won’t be at tryouts. “Eugene” says “I’ll be there.”

After the commercial break, Mr. Weatherbee complains about the “rabbit food” that he has to eat.

Both Eugenes walk past his door, confusing him. How does Eugene not see the robot walking directly in front of him?

Later, Amani calls out to “Eugene”, and he criticizes her for yelling (it’s not “ladylike”). She’s pissed but also needs his help with her computer project, so she’ll meet him at their “usual place” after school. I guess they stuck to those computer lessons. She says “Gotta run” and leaves.

For some reason, this causes the robot to short circuit.

Later, Eugene asks his “buddy” Moose where he’s been all day. Moose finds this funny and says he’ll see Eugene at tryouts. Eugene says he isn’t coming and leaves, confusing Moose.

Later, Moose encounters the robot, which is dressed for tryouts, confusing him. The robot tells Moose to eat more fish – “brain food”.

Somehow, Moose doesn’t murder it.

Later, Ethel and “Juggie” pass them on their way to Pop’s. The robot calls Jughead “desperate”.

Ethel gets angry.

Jughead “predicts” a storm and uses it as an excuse to run away.

Ethel confronts “Eugene”. Jughead told it that he’d have to be desperate to borrow money from her.

She whacks him in the face with her purse. He runs away, and she chases him.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee leaves his office, sees only one Eugene, and decides the worst must be over.

Spoke too soon.

Mr. Weatherbee decides he needs food to avoid seeing things.

Later, Eugene makes a passing mention to Betty about the “brutal” math test that they’d had.

This pisses her off.

Eugene asks “Juggie” what happened to him. Jughead gets pissed.

Eugene wonders what the fuck’s going on.

Ms. Grundy nabs Eugene and throws his ass in detention.

Reggie vows revenge. Eugene is hopelessly lost. Ms. Grundy piles on fifteen or fifty more minutes for talking.

“I don’t understand! Someone please explain!”

At the tryouts, Moose throws a discus and does pretty good.

Moose cautions his “little buddy” to be careful while throwing the heavy discus.

Somehow, this doesn’t tip anyone off, but, then again, humans on this show regularly demonstrate superhuman capabilities.

The coach gets excited over “Eugene” (again) and violates personal boundaries.

Moose is done.

Later, at Pop’s, Amani chews Eugene out for being late. He’s confused and doesn’t answer when she asks where he was, giving her the idea that he doesn’t want to help her.

Eugene goes inside.

Jughead, Moose, and Betty are here – and want nothing to do with Eugene. He leaves.

Mr. Weatherbee is here, too. He sees the robot out the window and freaks out again.

Eugene comes home, still confused, and realizes his robot is gone.

Back at Pop’s, the gang (sans Veronica, who I guess is absent today) discusses Eugene’s odd behavior. Archie suggests checking up on him.

This warrants a group cheer.

Mr. Weatherbee wonders what to do and apparently contemplates suicide.

The robot just happens to show up…for some reason. It causes Mr. Weatherbee to fall in the water, and then it admonishes him for not reading the sign. Mr. Weatherbee says he can’t swim. As he drowns, the robot says “Hmmm. Well, then, technically, you’re not breaking the law.” Okay, that was pretty funny. 🙂

The gang shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee cries out for help. The robot is conflicted but eventually decides he has to help.

“Eugene” saves Mr. Weatherbee. The gang cheers.

Mr. Weatherbee comes to…

…and faints upon seeing “Eugene”.

“Eugene” says it serves him right for not reading.

Moose doesn’t take kindly to that.

He angsts over decapitating his “little buddy”.

Archie points out that it’s a robot, and Moose is upset that his “best friend” is a robot.

Mr. Weatherbee wakes up and sees this:

Surprisingly, he doesn’t faint. Also, why do the robot’s eyes open on their own?

Eugene suddenly shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee freaks out and…

Then the decapitated robot touches Mr. Weatherbee’s arm.

It goes as you’d expect.

Eugene laughs as he finally realizes what’s been going on.

As he reaches down to help Betty onto the dock, the robot knocks him into the water.

It’s all good, though.

This segment was kinda funny, but it relied too much on 1) everyone being too much of an idiot to see a robot for what it was, 2) no one except Mr. Weatherbee encountering two Eugenes throughout the day, and 3) everyone just randomly showing up at the dock at the end.

Comics – Skateboardin’ Blossom

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: John Lowe*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 26
Cover Date: October, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Veronica and Betty are at the beach. Veronica’s pissed that Archie and Reggie are ignoring them in favor of skateboarding. Cheryl comes by and asks them what’s the matter. Veronica is irritated, but Betty greets Cheryl. Cheryl says they look like “a couple of skateboard widows”. That’s pretty funny. 🙂

Veronica insults Cheryl, but Betty invites Cheryl to join them and even offers to share sandwiches with her. Judging from Veronica’s comment, it seems they brought the extra sandwiches for Archie and Reggie. Cheryl insults Veronica and then invites Archie and Reggie to join her for lunch. To her shock, they ignore her.

Veronica is amused and insults Cheryl. Cheryl’s pissed. Betty advises Cheryl that it’s a losing battle. Cheryl says the boys are just momentarily distracted by a fad and just need “a little shake-up”. She takes out her cell phone, calls Jamie, and requests her skateboard equipment. For some reason, Veronica and Betty are confused by this. Then Betty holds up her own skateboard (white with red hearts on the bottom and blue wheels) and helmet and tells Cheryl that she tried that idea (she was in their way).

Before we move on, I want to comment on a few outfit choices. Betty is wearing a midriff-baring sleeveless shirt with a boob window. Kinda risque for her, but whatever. Cheryl is covering her bikini bottom with a piece of torn cloth that she’d tied together at her right leg. In what universe is that a fashion do? Did she do that solely to avoid getting sunburned on her ass cheeks?

Jamie arrives. Cheryl puts on her elbow and knee pads and sneakers – and also swaps her revealing bikini bottom and stupid tied cloth for a bigger bikini bottom (though that’s likely just an art error). This is all while Betty is still speaking. I’d mentioned this before, but it really is a weird problem unique to comic books. Anyway, Cheryl thanks Jamie, puts on her helmet, takes her skateboard (white with purple blossoms and a purple star on it – and with purple wheels), and advises “poor little Betty” to watch and learn. Cheryl pulls off some sick moves, being a genuinely talented skateboarder. She earns praise from Reggie, Archie, and Betty (though the latter is more astonished). Veronica’s pissed and vows to put an end to it. She grabs their beach towel, knocking all of their shit onto the sand.

Veronica tears the beach towel, making Cheryl think she’s torn her bikini bottom. Cheryl freaks out (though I don’t know why it would concern her) and covers her ass with her hands, but she still manages to do rad stunts with no hands, earning even more praise and attention from Archie and Reggie. Cheryl checks her bikini bottom and is relieved. As Cheryl gets all of the guys’ attention, Betty sarcastically asks Veronica if her “next big idea” is to start the “Roller Blossom” Fan Club.

This story is pretty cute. Not much else to say.

Comics – Fashion Emergency

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: John Lowe*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 26
Cover Date: October, 1999
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl knocks on Jason’s bedroom door and tells him to hurry the fuck up, because they’ll be late for the Lodges’ yacht party. Jason invites her in, saying he’s ready. She goes in and is shocked at what he’s wearing: dress pants, a sleeveless white shirt, and a tie. Um, oh, no? He’s like “What the fuck?”

Cheryl corrects him that this is a yacht party, not a wedding. She says she got all of the “cool fashion DNA”. He asks what’s wrong with his clothes. She says they’re too conservative. He says Mom likes them. Cheryl pisses him off about getting his cheeks pinched and offers herself as his guide to get into “fine and funky fashion”.

At the party, Jason checks out Betty and goes over to say hi to her and Veronica, confident that Betty will like his clothes. Mistaking him for the waiter, Veronica orders another cola. Then she apologizes, embarrassed. Betty asks Jason if he’s hot in that outfit.

That remark turns Veronica’s (and Betty’s) attention over to Archie (who’s talking with Cheryl), and they forget all about Jason. Veronica makes a guess as to the brand that Archie’s wearing, and Betty decides they should ask him about it. Do teens really care about inane shit like that, even rich teens? Anyway, Jason starts talking about his tie, but they don’t care. Hermione Lodge notices Jason’s tie, and one of her friends pinches his cheeks. Jason runs to Cheryl for help.

The next day, Cheryl takes Jason to the “source” of fashion: her teenzine, Fresh. They go into a fashion shoot for upcoming cool teen styles. She starts to show him some clothes. Just then, the photographer runs over to her with an emergency: their male model for the “Lover” shoot never showed up. Cheryl quickly makes Jason fill in, even though he starts to protest.

On another day, Betty, Veronica, and Midge are positively orgasmic as they check out Jason on the cover of their copies of Fresh. Cheryl is very pleased with herself.

This story is pretty cute. Not much else to say.