The New Archies, Segment 24 – Making of Mr. Righteous

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-01-title
Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-02-girls
The segment opens with…these two random girls walking as Eugene talks.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-03-Eugene-house
They walk past Eugene’s house.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-04-robotTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-05-robot-Eugene
Eugene has made a robotic duplicate of himself and is wrongly convinced no one could tell the difference. Um, I can.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-06-buttonTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-07-robot-off
He turns the robot off, not having time to test it today.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-08-Moose-arrivesTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-09-Eugene-leaves
Unfortunately, at the same time as Eugene leaves out the back door, Moose arrives through the front door. Two questions: Why does Eugene run out the back door? (Answer: So he and Moose miss each other; that’s it.) And why the fuck does Moose just run into Eugene’s house unannounced? Who does that in real life?

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-10-Moose-robot
Of course, Moose is a dumbass and thinks “Eugene” is just playing funny by standing completely still. He accidentally activates the robot. Oh, and he ran in here to get Eugene for school, because they’re running late. I know I haven’t addressed this yet, but since when do junior high students walk/run/skateboard to school? I know I never did that. I took the school bus. On the very rare days that I missed the bus, and neither of my parents were home, I just stayed home.

Anyway, Moose is delighted that the robot points out a chocolate stain on his shirt. Moose wants to get going.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-11-robot
The robot death-stares at Moose and tells him to tuck in his fucking shirt.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-12-Archie-RedTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-13-Red-frisbee
Later, Archie’s playing frisbee with Red. Wow, remember Red? We haven’t seen him in a while.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-14-Eugene-Red-1TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-15-Eugene-Red-2
Eugene stops by to play with Red. That’s cute.

Then Eugene and Archie walk to school together. Archie tells Red to stay. Um, Archie leaves his dog outside, untied and unsupervised? That’s a recipe for roadkill. I admit my cat has free roam of the yard, but he’s a fat, lazy-ass motherfucker that likes to sleep most of the day.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-16-Red-sad
Aaawww… 😦

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-17-Red-shocked
“What the fuck?!”

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-18-robot-Moose
Red doesn’t know what to make of this, takes his frisbee, and leaves. Moose is confused.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-19-Archie-Eugene-entrance
Archie and Eugene enter Riverdale Junior High School. Eugene teases a “big-deal project” but can’t tell Archie before testing it.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-20-Moose-robot-Reggie
Because he, too, is a dumbass, Reggie mistakes the robot for Eugene and demands to see his homework. Apparently, Eugene is not above letting Reggie copy his homework. The robot is, though, and lets him know it.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-21-Grundy-pissed
Ms. Grundy overhears and busts “Reginald”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-22-Moose-shuts-up-robotTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-23-Weatherbee
Later, Mr. Weatherbee tries to sneak a snack, but Ms. Grundy reminds him that he’s starting his diet today.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-24-Weatherbee-robot-Moose
The robot tries to get smart about Mr. Weatherbee’s weight, and Moose has to shut him up. After some banter, Mr. Weatherbee throws his snack in the trash can, probably figuring he’d get caught again. Why doesn’t he just eat in the privacy of his own office? Anyway, he sees this:

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-25-Eugene-Archie
He blames the diet, claiming he’s “weak from hunger”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-26-Eugene-Reggie.jpgIn class, Reggie tells Eugene that he got an hour’s detention. Eugene apologizes and then offers Reggie his homework to copy quick.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-27-Reggie-smokeTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-28-Jughead-robot-Moose
At lunch, Jughead approaches the robot and Moose and asks which “lucky guy” will loan him “a measley five bucks”. The robot calls Jughead out on his bullshit, which Moose finds hilarious. Jughead wonders what’s with “Eugene”. Moose suggests trying Big Ethel, because she’s “always got money”. Okay, um, Ethel isn’t exactly rich or anything close in the comics, but whatever. Jughead dismisses it, saying he’s “not that desperate” and doesn’t wanna hang out with her.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-29-Betty-lockerTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-30-Betty-rips-sweater
Betty has shit luck with her locker. Haha, I remember trying to fit everything in my locker back in the day. Never ripped a sweater in the process, though.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-31-Betty-Eugene
Eugene comes by and compliments the color (of her sweater, I guess). She thanks him and offers to “grab a sandwich” with him. He politely declines and walks away.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-32-Moose-robot
Holy shit, that’s a big burger! Don’t let Jughead see it!

Anyway, Moose suggests the robot come to watch him at the track and field tryouts. Wow, that’s arrogant. The robot decides to try out himself and chastises Moose for talking with his mouth full.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-33-Moose-robot-2
Moose isn’t sure what to make of “Eugene” trying out but then gives him a hamburger (he has “plenty”), thinking “Eugene” “forgot” his lunch.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-34-Betty-Moose-robotTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-35-Betty-confusedTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-36-Betty-pissed
Betty comes by and is like “What the fuck?” The robot insults Betty’s outfit. Betty gets confused and then pissed off. What she doesn’t do is take note of the obviously mechanical parts and robotic-sounding voice of her supposed friend.

Yeah, everyone on this show is a fucking idiot.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-37-Grundy-Moose-robot
Anyway, Betty storms off, and Ms. Grundy randomly walks over to their table with an empty tray – for absolutely no reason except so the robot can put his huge burger on her tray and insult her weight. Oh, and he also insults her hairdo and suggests “a complete makeover”. She gives him an hour of detention today – “after school”. Um, is there another kind?

Anyway, Moose guesses “Eugene” won’t be at tryouts. “Eugene” says “I’ll be there.”

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-38-Weatherbee-food
After the commercial break, Mr. Weatherbee complains about the “rabbit food” that he has to eat.

Both Eugenes walk past his door, confusing him. How does Eugene not see the robot walking directly in front of him?

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-39-Amani-robot
Later, Amani calls out to “Eugene”, and he criticizes her for yelling (it’s not “ladylike”). She’s pissed but also needs his help with her computer project, so she’ll meet him at their “usual place” after school. I guess they stuck to those computer lessons. She says “Gotta run” and leaves.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-40-robot-short-circuits
For some reason, this causes the robot to short circuit.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-41-Moose-Eugene
Later, Eugene asks his “buddy” Moose where he’s been all day. Moose finds this funny and says he’ll see Eugene at tryouts. Eugene says he isn’t coming and leaves, confusing Moose.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-42-Moose-doorsTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-43-Moose-robot
Later, Moose encounters the robot, which is dressed for tryouts, confusing him. The robot tells Moose to eat more fish – “brain food”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-44-Moose-angry
Somehow, Moose doesn’t murder it.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-45-Ethel-Jughead-Moose-robot
Later, Ethel and “Juggie” pass them on their way to Pop’s. The robot calls Jughead “desperate”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-46-Ethel-angry
Ethel gets angry.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-47-Ethel-Jughead
Jughead “predicts” a storm and uses it as an excuse to run away.

Ethel confronts “Eugene”. Jughead told it that he’d have to be desperate to borrow money from her.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-48-Ethel-purseTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-49-Jughead-purse
She whacks him in the face with her purse. He runs away, and she chases him.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-50-WeatherbeeTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-51-Eugene-Weatherbee
Later, Mr. Weatherbee leaves his office, sees only one Eugene, and decides the worst must be over.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-52-Weatherbee-shockedTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-53-robot
Spoke too soon.

Mr. Weatherbee decides he needs food to avoid seeing things.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-54-Eugene-Betty
Later, Eugene makes a passing mention to Betty about the “brutal” math test that they’d had.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-55-Betty-pissed
This pisses her off.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-56-Eugene-Jughead
Eugene asks “Juggie” what happened to him. Jughead gets pissed.

Eugene wonders what the fuck’s going on.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-57-Eugene-surprisedTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-58-Grundy-EugeneTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-59-Grundy-Eugene-2
Ms. Grundy nabs Eugene and throws his ass in detention.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-60-Eugene-Reggie
Reggie vows revenge. Eugene is hopelessly lost. Ms. Grundy piles on fifteen or fifty more minutes for talking.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-61-Eugene-cries
“I don’t understand! Someone please explain!”

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-62-Moose-discusTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-63-discus
At the tryouts, Moose throws a discus and does pretty good.

Moose cautions his “little buddy” to be careful while throwing the heavy discus.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-64-robot-spinsTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-65-discus-soars
Somehow, this doesn’t tip anyone off, but, then again, humans on this show regularly demonstrate superhuman capabilities.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-66-coach-robot
The coach gets excited over “Eugene” (again) and violates personal boundaries.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-67-Moose-shirtless
Moose is done.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-68-Karate-Pop'sTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-69-Amani-Eugene
Later, at Pop’s, Amani chews Eugene out for being late. He’s confused and doesn’t answer when she asks where he was, giving her the idea that he doesn’t want to help her.

Eugene goes inside.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-70-Jughead-Moose-Betty
Jughead, Moose, and Betty are here – and want nothing to do with Eugene. He leaves.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-71-Weatherbee
Mr. Weatherbee is here, too. He sees the robot out the window and freaks out again.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-72-Eugene
Eugene comes home, still confused, and realizes his robot is gone.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-73-Moose-Amani-BettyTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-74-Jughead-Reggie-Archie
Back at Pop’s, the gang (sans Veronica, who I guess is absent today) discusses Eugene’s odd behavior. Archie suggests checking up on him.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-75-gang-cheers
This warrants a group cheer.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-76-Weatherbee-dock
Mr. Weatherbee wonders what to do and apparently contemplates suicide.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-77-robot-Weatherbee
The robot just happens to show up…for some reason. It causes Mr. Weatherbee to fall in the water, and then it admonishes him for not reading the sign. Mr. Weatherbee says he can’t swim. As he drowns, the robot says “Hmmm. Well, then, technically, you’re not breaking the law.” Okay, that was pretty funny. 🙂

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-78-gang-dock
The gang shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee cries out for help. The robot is conflicted but eventually decides he has to help.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-79-robot-rescues-Weatherbee
“Eugene” saves Mr. Weatherbee. The gang cheers.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-80-gang-Weatherbee
Mr. Weatherbee comes to…

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-81-Weatherbee-freaks-out
…and faints upon seeing “Eugene”.

“Eugene” says it serves him right for not reading.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-82-robot-Moose
Moose doesn’t take kindly to that.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-83-robot-Moose-2
He angsts over decapitating his “little buddy”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-84-Archie-Moose
Archie points out that it’s a robot, and Moose is upset that his “best friend” is a robot.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-85-Weatherbee-wakes-up
Mr. Weatherbee wakes up and sees this:

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-86-robot-head
Surprisingly, he doesn’t faint. Also, why do the robot’s eyes open on their own?

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-87-Eugene-dock
Eugene suddenly shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee freaks out and…

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-88-gang-falls-1TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-89-gang-falls-2TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-90-robot-Weatherbee
Then the decapitated robot touches Mr. Weatherbee’s arm.

It goes as you’d expect.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-91-Eugene-laughs
Eugene laughs as he finally realizes what’s been going on.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-92-robot-Eugene-Betty
As he reaches down to help Betty onto the dock, the robot knocks him into the water.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-93-Eugene-Archie-Moose-laughTNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-94-Amani-Jughead-Reggie-laugh
It’s all good, though.

This segment was kinda funny, but it relied too much on 1) everyone being too much of an idiot to see a robot for what it was, 2) no one except Mr. Weatherbee encountering two Eugenes throughout the day, and 3) everyone just randomly showing up at the dock at the end.

Advertisements

The New Archies, Segment 23 – Jughead’s Millions

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-01-title.jpg
Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-02-RJHSTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-03-class
The segment opens with Veronica relating a rich, privileged white girl anecdote in class.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-04-class-2
Betty calls her out on it.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-05-Reggie-Veronica
Reggie and Veronica are shocked by this challenge to their worldview.

Archie talks about what being a middle-class kid is like.

Jughead talks about having to prepare his own “after-breakfast before-lunch snack”.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-06-Grundy-Jughead
Ms. Grundy brings up a “special class project”. They’re going to pretend to be adults.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-07-Grundy-officiates
She marries Archie and Betty for a day.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-08-Reggie-Veronica-laugh
Reggie and Veronica laugh at that. Notably, Veronica’s not the least bit jealous.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-09-Grundy-kids
Ms. Grundy then assigns the “two gigglers” as their children. Veronica protests. Grundy then corrects Veronica’s grammar (complete with finger wag), because she’s petty. Thankfully, Reggie has a snappy comeback (whether intentional or not) that Riverdale fans can appreciate.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-10-Grundy-Jughead
Jughead’s all for the assignment, because he doesn’t have to do shit, but Ms. Grundy gives him $5.00 to invest in the stock market, despite the fact that he’s legally unable to. He wants to invest it in a dozen cheeseburgers, but she won’t let him.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-11-Amani-Moose-Eugene
Amani wants to know what the c-list characters are gonna do.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-12-Grundy-goat
They’re gonna take care of a baby goat, of course! Ms. Grundy had the poor creature stashed in the storage closet. Did Mr. Weatherbee approve this shit?

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-13-goat
Also, Ms. Grundy doesn’t care that the goat is eating her students’ papers.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-14-Jughead-goat
The goat immediately gets on Jughead’s bad side, eating his sandwich.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-15-class
Ms. Grundy wants the rest of them to write a composition entitled “What It Means to Be an Adult”. The class hates it, and I distinctly hear Veronica protesting, even though she should be exempt from having to write it, because she’s roleplaying for this assignment.

Everyone gets up to leave, even though a bell hasn’t rung, and the class hasn’t been dismissed.

Jughead asks Archie to help him invest the money. Archie gets a bit sassy.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-16-Betty-Archie-Jughead
Betty decides Archie’s “wife and kids” are gonna follow him everywhere.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-17-Betty-Archie-Jughead-2
“Um, suuure, honey.” *mutters* “Creepy fucking bitch.”

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-18-Veronica-Reggie
Reggie’s already had enough of this shit, and Veronica vows to drive Archie and Betty crazy.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-19-buildingTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-20-Jughead-investsTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-21-newspaper-ad
So Jughead goes downtown and invests the $5 in some sketchy cheeseburger company. I’m still not sure how he’s able to legally do this. Also, the broker never gives him a stock certificate.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-22-Reggie-gums-computerTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-23-gumTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-24-Reggie-Veronica-laugh
Reggie tries to fuck things up by putting gum in the computer’s keyboard.

Archie’s pissed and orders his “kids” to stand in the corner.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-25-Betty-tissue
Betty explains her “kids” are cranky when they’ve missed their nap, which is kind of funny. She offers the broker a tissue for the gum, which doesn’t help. Archie also tries getting the gum off.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-26-Reggie-Veronica-mess-aroundTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-27-mess
Reggie and Veronica continue fucking shit up.

Suddenly, the computer informs them that the company that Jughead wanted to invest in (although we never actually see that investment take place) is now the “hottest company in the country”. Jughead’s investment is now worth $50,000, and the value is going up every minute. What the fuck?

Anyway, Reggie and Veronica are excited, but Archie tells them to take it easy, because Jughead is a “responsible adult”.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-28-Jughead-barber
Nope. He gets his hair and nails done. I find this very unrealistic. Jughead would be spending all of his money on cheeseburgers. Period.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-29-gang
Anyway, Betty suggests Jughead’s overdoing it. Archie seconds what “the little woman” said, and Betty doesn’t react. At all. If I was her, I would have punched that sexist pig right in the fucking face.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-30-Jughead-throws-money
Anyway, Jughead literally throws his money away, causing a riot, and promises more. Veronica (the billionaire heiress) and Reggie (the son of the owner of the town’s newspaper) ask “Uncle Juggiekins” (ugh) for some spending money. Well, Veronica does; Reggie just laughs obnoxiously. Jughead’s happy to give the “kids” money to buy themselves “some more trinkets”. They’re unjustifiably happy. Remember, Veronica is basically Riverdale’s version of Paris Hilton. Why the fuck is she excited over getting a few hundred dollars?

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-31-Veronica-diamond
Veronica goes out shopping and takes interest in a 49-carat diamond, which she apparently has to put her sunglasses on in order to examine. Why the fuck is she even still wearing those stupid sunglasses at all at this point?

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-32-Veronica-Reggie-ponies
Meanwhile, Reggie’s bought ponies…and brought them into the department store.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-33-Veronica-Reggie-ponies-2TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-34-Veronica-Reggie-race-ponies
Veronica decides they’re gonna race to the ticket booth. What in the actual fuck?

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-35-Rolling-PebblesTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-36-Veronica-Reggie-booth
Veronica wants to buy tickets to the Rolling Pebbles concert. The ticket booth attendant, trying to go for a young, hip California surfer accent, disappoints the “rad chick” by revealing he just sold the last two tickets to “this righteous old babe”. Veronica’s bummed.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-37-horse-steals-wig
LOL!

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-38-Archie-Betty-laugh
Archie and Betty arrive and have a laugh at it.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-39-gang
Reggie and Veronica leave their ponies unattended. Betty informs them that Jughead has a “surprise” for all of them.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-40-arena
Yeah, Jughead bought a fucking wrestling arena.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-41-Archie-surprised
“Why the fuck did you blow a ton of money on this, you fucking idiot?!”

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-42-Jughead
“I can do rich-people shit now, ’cause I’m one of them. Check this out.”

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-43-Fabulous-Bone-Crushers
Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking all-girl wrestling team known as the Fabulous Bone Crushers.

Reggie isn’t impressed, because he’s a sexist pig, so…

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-44-Reggie-thrownTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-45-Reggie-thrown-2TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-46-Reggie-tickled
The fuck?

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-47-Reggie-thrown-3TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-48-Reggie-Archie
Archie informs his “son” that they’re off to Jughead’s new house. When did Jughead inform him of this? They just now learned about his new arena.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-49-mansion
Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking mansion. Betty tells her “children” to behave themselves and informs them that dinner’s almost ready. Veronica tells “Mommy” that they will.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-50-Reggie-Veronica-banisters-horsesTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-51-Reggie-Veronica-horses-mansion
Yeah, right. Oh, and Jughead doesn’t even give a shit, in case you’re wondering.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-52-Jughead-burgers
Jughead’s butler serves him some “before-dinner burgers”. The doorbell rings. Jughead sends him to see who it is.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-53-butler-goat
It’s the fucking goat. Wow, I’d completely forgotten about that.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-54-Moose-Amani-Eugene
Oh, and Moose, Amani, and Eugene barge in as well, chasing after it.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-55-Jughead-goat
Jughead can’t catch a break.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-56-goat-lampshadeTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-57-goat-bulbTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-58-goat-lights-up
Um, no.

The video that I have goes black for six frames, so I guess that was a commercial break.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-59-Betty-ovenTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-60-Archie-Betty-steaksTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-61-Betty-steaks
Anyway, Betty sucks at cooking steaks, but she manages to joke about it.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-62-Archie-slips
Betty’s rice spills onto the floor, and Archie walks onto the slippery floor like a dumbass, slips, and falls.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-63-Betty-Archie-toast
Betty fucked up the toast as well and jokes about it.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-64-Reggie-Veronica-horses-kitchenTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-65-Reggie-Veronica-airTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-66-Reggie-Veronica-table
Ha.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-67-gang
Reggie and Veronica start chanting “We want food!”, because they’re spoiled pieces of shit, and their “parents” happily serve them. Of course, the “kids” refuse to eat “this slop”.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-68-goat-Moose
There is no fucking way that that goat can drag Moose Mason.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-69-gang-goat
Okay, that’s pretty funny.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-70-Veronica-rice
Veronica starts a food fight.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-71-Archie-Jughead-Betty
Jughead comes by and tries to gently tell the “kids” to knock it off.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-72-Jughead-rice
But then he promptly forgets about it when there’s food in his mouth.

Anyway, he tells them that he’s gonna be on The Lifestyles of the Filthy Rich. Archie makes a joke.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-73-stuff.jpg
Holy shit, that’s a lot of shit that Jughead ordered.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-74-hostTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-75-host-Jughead
Anyway, Jughead is interviewed poolside by a Robin Leach knockoff that doesn’t look anything like him.

The butler comes by and accidentally knocks the host into the swimming pool. He hands Jughead an “urgent telegram”. Jughead guesses it’s from his broker with news of more money.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-76-Archie-Jughead-Betty
Nope. “All of [his] investments took a nosedive” (despite the fact that Jughead only ever showed interest in investing in one company), leaving him “flat broke”.

The butler passes out at the thought of having to stand in the unemployment line, and then he falls into the swimming pool.

Jughead doesn’t care, since he still has all of his possessions.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-77-stuff-gone
Faster than you can say “What the shit?”, a bunch of guys show up and take away all of the shit that Jughead had ordered but hadn’t opened yet, despite the fact that he used cash, check, or credit to purchase them. These companies would have no idea that Jughead’s suddenly broke.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-78-horses-gone
Some random guy even comes by and confiscates Reggie and Veronica’s ponies.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-79-Reggie-Veronica-temper-tantrums
So, naturally, they throw temper tantrums about wanting their ponies.

Jughead gets out a burger “to think”, saying at least no one can take that away from him.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-80-goat-steals-burger
Ha.

So everyone falls into the swimming pool.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-81-gang-pool
The host does the sign-off for his show, despite the facts that 1) his microphone probably is no longer working, and 2) his camera operator has probably long since taken off.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-82-RJHSTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-83-class
Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Ms. Grundy asks Jughead what he’s learned about the stock market. He says it’s risky business, and he prefers the supermarket. Don’t ever go into stand-up, Jug.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-84-Grundy-Archie-Betty
Ms. Grundy asks Archie and Betty what they discovered about raising children. Betty says it’s not easy, and Archie has a new appreciation for parents. Ms. Grundy hopes everybody gained from their assignment.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-85-Eugene-Reggie-Veronica
Veronica says Archie and Betty are “creepy parents”. Um, did they force you to watch them fuck, Ronnie? If not, then shut the fuck up. Reggie blames them for the loss of their ponies, because…reasons.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-86-Reggie-Veronica-hold-hands
Veronica proposes letting the two of them be the parents for a day, saying they’ll do better. Ms. Grundy asks if they’re sure, saying sometimes kids get “special treatment”. They’re sure.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-87-Grundy-Archie-BettyTNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-88-Archie-Betty-tickets
Ms. Grundy gives Betty and Archie the last two tickets to tonight’s Rolling Pebbles concert.

Veronica protests, demanding the tickets. Ms. Grundy says just the “kids” get to go. Lest you think Ms. Grundy set all of this up ahead of time, she actually admitted she was lucky enough to get the tickets, so this is merely an impromptu, last-minute lesson for Veronica and Reggie.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-89-Reggie-snatches-tickets
Reggie blatantly snatches the tickets out of Archie’s hand. Archie demands them back.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-90-goat-eats-tickets
Just then, the goat, running unsupervised throughout the school, busts open the door, heads directly for Reggie, and eats the tickets, because no one except him is allowed to be happy.

TNA-23-Jughead's-Millions-91-class-laughs
Oh, yeah, we learn from Archie, who makes a joke, that the goat’s name is Munchie. Whatever. The class yucks it up.

This segment was pretty stupid. It was impossible straight from the start, because Jughead would never be allowed to make an investment in the stock market on his own.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 22 – Gunk for Gold

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-01-title
Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 21, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-02-fieldTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-03-soccer
The segment opens with a soccer game. A player kicks the ball to Moose and tells him to go for the goal.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-04-Moose-ball
Moose is initially confused but then thanks the kid, whose name is Biff. He makes a goal.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-05-coach-Eugene
The coach asks Eugene for a stat update. It seems this is the twelfth goal that Moose has scored for the other team. Oopsie.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-06-Grundy-Weatherbee
Ms. Grundy is trying to support the team, but Mr. Weatherbee laments this is Riverdale’s tenth year in a row losing to the Bainbridge Bongoes. Ms. Grundy says Veronica still has a chance to win this game.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-07-Biff-VeronicaTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-08-Archie-Biff
Unfortunately, that asshole Biff appeals to Veronica’s vanity, takes the ball, and then makes some trash talk at Archie.

Biff then scores the winning goal, ending the game. Ms. Grundy tries to kinda-sorta console Mr. Weatherbee.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-09-coach-Jughead
In the boys’ locker room, the coach tries to look on the bright side: they’ve played only three games. However, Jughead is all negative, pointing out that they’ve lost three. Holy shit, look at that huge stash of burgers. Jughead has a mountain of hamburgers in his fucking gym locker. That’s fucking nasty!

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-10-Reggie-ballTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-11-Biff-coachTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-12-Biff
The coach continues to try to be optimistic, but Biff shows up to insult them.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-13-Archie-Moose-Eugene
Moose wants to beat the shit out of Biff, but Archie and Eugene somehow restrain him. Yeah, I don’t think so. Anyway, Archie’s still optimistic about their team, but the others aren’t and leave.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-14-Archie-bed
Later, Archie’s hanging out at Eugene’s, and he’s frustrated that the team’s so down on themselves.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-15-Eugene
Eugene feels the same but suggests Archie help him with a science project, claiming it’ll get their minds off soccer. How many science projects do these kids do per year? I seem to remember it being only a once-per-year thing, and I never enjoyed having to do it. Of course, knowing Eugene, he might be doing this just for fun.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-16-Eugene-Archie-project
Archie agrees and then asks what this shit is.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-17-contamination
As Eugene explains, some of the pizza that Archie’s eating drops into an Erlenmeyer flask, contaminating the contents and turning them green.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-18-Eugene-Archie-project-2
Eugene immediately notices and runs off with the contaminated substance. Please note the pizza has turned all of Eugene’s compound green, despite the fact that the pizza was dropped into only the one flask.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-19-Eugene-trash
Eugene dumps the compound in a trash can, which gets all cartoony and barfs it back out.

The gunk bounces around the room. Archie tries to grab it with a net but fails. Finally, he jumps on it…

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-20-Archie-window
…and promptly bounces out the window.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-21-Archie-Eugene-window
Archie’s having a great time.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-22-Archie-dunks
Show-off.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-23-Archie-Eugene-football
Eugene comes outside and throws a football for Archie to catch. I find this very unbelievable. Why would Eugene have a football? For that matter, why does he have a basketball hoop?

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-24-Archie--football
So Archie kicks the ball while spinning in the air and then just lands. I think Eugene might like his ball back.

Anyway, Archie loves the gunk. Eugene, the intelligent one, wonders what they can use it for.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-25-Archie-Reggie-Eugene
Fortunately(?), Reggie, who just happens to be hanging out near Eugene’s house, has an idea.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-26-gymTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-27-shoesTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-28-Archie-Eugene-shoes
Reggie’s plan is to smear the gunk on the soles of their gym shoes. Okay, so they’re ripping off Son of Flubber.

Archie asks if this is cheating, and Eugene asks if it’s the misuse of science, but Reggie rationalizes both of their concerns away.

They hear people coming, so Eugene puts the gunk in a locker to keep it safe. Um, take it home with you, you dumbass!

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-29-pact
They make a pact to keep this top secret.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-30-huddleTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-31-huddle-2TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-32-huddle-3
Before a game, Archie and Reggie give a pep talk about “magic feet” that even their teammates find lame.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-33-Veronica-Betty-JugheadTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-34-Betty-Veronica
Veronica and Betty share a laugh over Jughead’s bouncing around while thinking nothing odd about it. They also bounce around themselves like it’s perfectly normal.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-35-coach-whistleTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-36-Archie-ballTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-37-goal
So Riverdale does really well while also breaking the rules of soccer and the laws of physics.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-38-Grundy-cheersTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-39-Weatherbee-cheers
Not to worry, though: all authority figures are too jazzed up to care.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-40-scoreboardTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-41-teamTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-42-team-bus
The team takes its success on the road.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-43-Veronica-Betty-five
They’ve even come up with a cheer: “We got the beat! We got the magic feet!” It makes the Walmart Cheer sound almost tolerable by comparison.

No, it doesn’t.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-44-Archie-Eugene
Archie and Eugene are tired.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-45-Betty
“What the fuck’s wrong with you guys? We won the last three games! Yay, us!”

Archie says he thought winning would feel better.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-46-Jughead-moonwalks
At another game, Jughead’s listening to Michael Jackson and moonwalks into the soccer ball.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-47-Jughead-goalie
“Hold my burger, asshole. I gotta score a goal now.”

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-48-Weatherbee-Grundy
Do school principals and random teachers regularly accompany school sports teams on away games? I’m guessing no.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-49-Betty-victoryTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-50-team-celebrates
Riverdale continues to kick ass in the world of junior high school soccer.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-51-Grundy-Archie-garden
After the commercial break, Archie’s helping out in the school garden for whatever reason. Ms. Grundy praises the team. She says they’re only one game away from the championship. I smell conflict.

Ms. Grundy realizes Archie’s planting his gloves and asks what’s wrong. Archie tries to speak of “someone” having a hypothetical moral dilemma, and Ms. Grundy suggests “someone” look into his heart.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-52-Grundy-Archie-Eugene
Eugene comes by and catches the end of the conversation.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-53-Archie-Eugene-shoes
Later, Archie and Eugene are spreading the gunk on the soles of their shoes. Eugene asks Archie if he’s looked into his heart yet. Archie says yes and asks Eugene the same question. Eugene says he thought they could look later. Well, aren’t you a badass?

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-54-team
They’re startled by the rest of the team entering the locker room, but I guess they don’t get caught, because it moves on to the next scene.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-55-soccer-fieldTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-56-coach-whistleTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-57-team
During the game, Ethel kicks the ball to Moose, but she does it in such a way as to show off. Apparently, as we’re led to believe, the gunk allows the team to perform weird tricks, like bouncing the soccer ball off all of the players (while not hurting them in the slightest).

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-58-Moose-EthelTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-59-Moose-ballTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-60-crowd-cheers
The stupid “magic feet” cheer has caught on.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-61-team
Riverdale wins another game and is now in the championship game.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-62-Andrews-houseTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-63-Archie-Eugene
That night (I guess), at Archie’s house, Archie and Eugene look into their hearts. Archie calls up the newspaper to tell “the newspaper guy” (Reggie’s dad?) the truth. After Archie explains, he’s just laughed at. Archie shakes his head in sadness. Eugene tries to comfort him.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-64-Pop'sTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-65-gang-boothTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-66-Reggie-Veronica-Archie-JugheadTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-67-Betty-Amani-Moose
The next day (I guess), at Pop’s, Archie explains everything to the gang (minus Ethel, because she’s not a main character). Veronica is in disbelief.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-68-Archie-gunks-hat
To prove it, Archie gunks Jughead’s stupid hat. It bounces around for a bit and then lands right back on Jughead’s head, because of course it does. The gang is awestruck.

Archie says they’re going to the championship tomorrow. He brings up Biff. Wow, I’d forgotten about that asshole. Anyway, Archie asks if they should gunk or not.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-69-Reggie-outvoted
Ha.

Reggie protests. Archie gives a half-assed line about winning.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-70-Reggie-joins
That’s all that it took, apparently.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-71-team-sad-1
The next night, at the championship game, the team is depressed.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-72-team-sad-2
Well, except for Jughead. He doesn’t give a shit.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-73-coach-whistleTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-74-stadiumTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-75-Reggie-Moose-collide
So the team sucks without the gunk.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-76-Biff-laughs
Biff makes fun of their “magic feet”.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-77-Ethel-surprisedTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-78-Grundy-Weatherbee-disappointed
Riverdale’s audience is disappointed.

So Riverdale continues sucking, and the Bongoes keep racking up points.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-79-team-benchTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-80-Veronica-Reggie
Veronica says they’re no good without gunk. Reggie says he knew they should have used it.

Archie tries to give a pep talk, saying they still have half of the game left to go, but the others won’t have it and tell him to shut the fuck up. Archie lies his ass off, claiming they played the last two games without gunk. He gets Eugene to go along with it.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-81-team-chantsTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-82-team-chants-2TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-83-team-hands
This really shouldn’t fool anyone, but it does, because everyone on this show is a fucking idiot. They do the “magic feet” chant, even though they’re not wearing the gunk, because fuck this show.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-84-Grundy-Weatherbee-chant
Ms. Grundy and Mr. Weatherbee join in, somehow hearing the team from way up in the bleachers.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-85-Betty-ball
So the team suddenly plays unusually well. Jughead even jumps really high, as if he’s wearing the gunk, but he blends into the crowd, so I can’t really get a good screencap of it. The point is Riverdale suddenly rocks for no apparent reason except “morale”.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-86-Ethel-Jughead
I’m pretty sure this is illegal in any soccer game, but it’s too late in the story for the adults to start enforcing the rules. Let’s just get this over with.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-87-huddle
So the score’s tied 6-6. The coach informs them that they have 30 seconds to win or lose this game. Either way, they’re proud and all rooting for them.

The crowd keeps doing the “magic feet” chant.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-88-Biff
The Bongoes, led by Biff, try to get past the “losers”.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-89-Amani
Amani gets the ball and heads for the goal, uttering her first clear line of the episode.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-90-Amani-kicks-ballTNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-91-goalie-knocked-out
Bullshit!

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-92-Grundy-Weatherbee
Ms. Grundy loses her shit over the victory.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-93-team-celebrates
Why isn’t Amani on top? She scored the winning goal!

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-94-team-celebrates-2
It’s nice that Betty hugs her, though.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-95-Archie-winks
Jughead asks Archie if they really did it without gunk. Does he mean the previous two games or this game? Because the visuals in the second half seem to indicate they’re gunked up (not that Archie would have been able to gunk them up without their realizing it). Archie just winks.

The team has its picture taken.

TNA-22-Gunk-for-Gold-96-photo
Then we get this odd ending where Ms. Grundy is looking at the (black-and-white) photo in an album and saying “And that was the year Riverdale won the championship…fair and square.” Why is this segment suddenly turned into a massive flashback? Who is Ms. Grundy telling this story to? And why is she fucking lying? Even if the team didn’t use gunk in the championship game (which I’m still not sure about), they still cheated to get there. So, no, Geraldine, Riverdale did not win the championship “fair and square”.

This segment was pretty bad. Everyone was an idiot. No one questioned the powers gained from the gunk. No adults enforced the rules. Just…let’s move on from this. There are only four segments left.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 21 – Incredible Shrinking Archie

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-01-title.jpg
Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 21, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-02-Pop'sTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-03-Veronica-Betty-booth
The segment opens at Pop’s. It’s Veronica’s birthday. Betty surprises her with a present. Veronica has a funny line: “Oh, Betty! You should have!”

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-04-Veronica-shirt
I guess Betty figured, if Veronica hasn’t yet realized she needs more than one shirt, she should buy it for her.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-05-Betty-surprisedTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-06-collection
Veronica has a whole “collection” of new clothes (which she will never wear), and she apparently has Smithers follow her around with it in case of additional gifts. Now that this rack is full, he will load it onto the truck with her other gifts.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-07-Archie-broke
Archie randomly announces he’s broke and can’t buy Ronnie anything. Um, you sure you wanna announce that within earshot, dude?

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-08-Jughead-cheeseburger
Jughead says he got Veronica “the ultimate gift”: a deluxe burger with a bow on top.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-09-Reggie-Veronica
Reggie buys Veronica a big bottle of her favorite kind of perfume: expensive. I like how Alyson Court says “expensive”. It’s the little touches like this that make the difference.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-10-gang
Reggie puts Archie on the spot regarding his present. Archie tries to hype up his non-present but is forced to say he’ll give it to her “later” at her yacht party.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-11-RJHSTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-12-Jughead-Archie-experimentTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-13-concoctionTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-14-Jughead-Archie-cough
Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Archie’s having shit luck trying to make perfume for Veronica. At least, I think that’s what he’s making; he doesn’t specify.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-15-Jughead-Archie
Jughead feels weird.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-16-Jughead-Archie-shrink
Oh, shit, it looks like Archie accidentally invented…shrinking gas. Yeah, bullshit!

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-17-Jughead-Archie-shrunk
Archie says they gotta made a remedy. He and Jughead climb up the broom to the table.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-18-Jughead-Archie-cheeseburger
Jughead gets easily distracted from their objective.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-19-warning-label
Archie finds a warning label (which he somehow didn’t notice before) on the shit that he was using. Bullshit! Also, the word “permanent” is left off the label, but Archie reads it anyway.

Jughead (way too easily) removes the label and reads the list of antidote ingredients: garlic, pepperoni, onions, anchovies, olives, ice cream, pickles, cheese, seltzer, and one peanut.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-20-Archie-watch
According to Archie’s watch, it’s 3:00 PM. Is it a school day? If so, when does school let out, and what time were they at Pop’s? If not, why was Archie let in and allowed to use school equipment to make perfume for Veronica?

Anyway, Jughead wants them to go to his house to make the antidote, but…

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-21-catTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-22-cat-guys
…a hitherto-unmentioned-and-unseen cat suddenly attacks!

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-23-Jughead-socks
How fucking lazy is Jughead that he lets his socks get this worn out? He says he knew he should have changed them, but what good would that do? It’s his shoes that came loose.

After some more antics with the cat, the guys slide down the broom (bullshit) and…run in place for a bit (what?), allowing the cat to jump down to the floor. Then they run away. What the hell was that about?

They fall into a rat hole and land beneath the school.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-24-Jughead-Archie-spider
Oh, shit.

The spider catches them in its webbing, but…

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-25-Archie-Jughead-tie-spider
…they somehow manage to tie it up.

Archie realizes they’re lost, but Jughead vows to get them out of here, or his “name isn’t Jughead Jones”. Um, it isn’t. It’s Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.

They wander around for a bit.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-26-rat
Oh, shit!

The guys are cornered, so…

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-27-rat-Jughead-Archie
Yeah, that’ll work.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-28-Archie-Jughead-rat
Actually, it does, because the rat runs into a wall and then just…gives up.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-29-rat-one-eye
Archie uses the “cape” to cover just one of the rat’s eyes.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-30-rat-two-eyes
Due to shitty continuity, both eyes are covered in the next shot.

Anyway, the plan is to hop on the rat while it’s blinded, so they can get a free ride. I mean it’s not like the rat can feel them climbing onto it or anything.

The rat throws them through another rat hole, sending them outside. Well, isn’t that convenient?

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-31-Archie-Jughead-dance
Archie and Jughead do a little dance, Archie doing his best Tony Manero impression, and then they head for Jughead’s house to make the antidote. Not sure how they plan to get there in less than two hours. Wouldn’t it be better to head for any restaurant or house and ask for help?

They climb the fence and make it to the sidewalk, where they have to avoid some running kids. Then they see…

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-32-Betty-VeronicaTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-33-ReggieTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-34-Jughead-Archie-pants
Jughead and Archie take cover in someone’s pants. Archie calls out to Veronica and Betty, but they don’t hear him.

Betty asks Reggie where Archie and Jughead are. He guesses getting into hot water.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-35-Jughead-Archie-water
Nope, cold water.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-36-Jughead-Archie-paper-cup
Fortunately, a paper cup passes by and become their “life boat”.

Jughead notes this “river” flows past Archie’s house, and they can jump off there.

Except they fall through a drain, go briefly through the sewer, and come out again who knows where. Oops.

Jughead notes they have only twenty minutes left to get big again. Wow, they must have spent a lot of time wandering around under the school.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-37-yacht
Archie spots Veronica’s yacht (although it isn’t identified as such yet) and paddles toward it.

My copy of this segment then goes black for 7 frames. I don’t think it’s a commercial break.

Anyway, they climb on board, and Jughead calls to the gang for help.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-38-gang
Of course, they don’t hear him.

Archie and Jughead push open an unmarked door and end up in the kitchen. Maybe one or both of them knew where it was?

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-39-Archie-Jughead-tableTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-40-Archie-Jughead-blender
Archie tells Jughead to hand him the stuff on the list, and he’ll dump it into the blender. Jughead way-too-easily gets all of the ingredients (which are right there) except the one peanut that they need to add before the seltzer.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-41-Veronica-Reggie
Suddenly, they overhear Veronica accusing Reggie of hogging the peanuts and Reggie swearing innocence. Archie and Jughead rush outside. Reggie insults Archie.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-42-Jughead-Archie-Reggie-shoelaces
Archie decides to get back at him.

Reggie takes Veronica by the hand and suggests they take a stroll, but…

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-43-Reggie-cake-1TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-44-Reggie-cake-2
Ouch. That cake was lit.

Archie instructs Jughead to fix Reggie’s shoelaces (why?), says he’ll meet him back here, and runs off.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-45-Veronica-Reggie-2
Veronica tells Reggie that he’s so clumsy as she offers him a handkerchief. Wow, she’s taking the destruction of her birthday cake uncharacteristically well. If this was the comics, she would have beaten the shit out of him.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-46-Archie-Reggie-beltTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-47-Reggie-pants-fall
Archie fulfills his fantasy of getting Reggie’s pants off. Reggie vows to sue his tailor.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-48-Veronica-Betty-laugh
Veronica and Betty have a laugh at his expense.

Archie and Jughead get in Reggie’s pocket. Reggie fixes his clothes and stands up. Veronica wants to dance.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-49-Archie-Jughead-peanut
Archie and Jughead get their hands on Reggie’s peanut – and destroy his jacket pocket at the same time. Veronica tells Reggie to get a new “sweater”. How can Veronica Lodge not know the difference between a sweater and a jacket?

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-50-Jughead-Archie-scaredTNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-51-dog
Then a dog chases Archie and Jughead, and the guys have to toss Reggie’s peanut back and forth (for some reason) while running to the kitchen. Archie checks his watch and says they have two minutes.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-52-Smithers-dog
The dog runs into Smithers (who seems to address it by name, but I can’t understand it), knocking him over.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-53-dog-lifts-guys
The dog gives the guys a lift.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-54-Archie-seltzer
After they get the peanut into the bowl, Archie adds the seltzer.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-55-Jughead-blender
Jughead, for some fucking reason, feels the need to karate-kick the Start button (which, contrary to common sense, is not the green one).

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-56-clock
Thirty seconds after Archie says they have two minutes, it seems time’s up.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-57-gas
Naturally, this combination of ordinary ingredients creates a stinky green gas.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-58-Jughead-Archie
A dejected Jughead kicks the Stop button (the green one, obviously).

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-59-Jughead-Archie-grow
Jughead and Archie share a tender moment after they return to normal size (that clock was obviously fast).

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-60-Veronica-Betty-Reggie
Their friends come in. Veronica is surprised to see them.

There’s a bit of banter. Then Reggie points out that Archie didn’t get Veronica a present.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-61-Archie-Veronica
Archie fucks around for a bit and then gives Veronica a cup of the antidote, declaring it to be “a one-of-a-kind perfume” made just for her. What an asshole.

Veronica sniffs it and declares the “perfume” smells delicious (even though it had smelled horrible to the guys earlier), not seeing through Archie’s bullshit. She dabs some on herself.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-62-gang
Jughead steals it from her (asshole) and adds it to a salad. Wait, wait, wait, since when does Jughead eat salad?

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-63-dog-cup
Anyway, the dog licks the remnants out of the cup.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-64-Jughead-salad
Jughead declares the “perfume” tastes great.

TNA-21-Incredible-Shrinking-Archie-65-gang-2
His friends yuck it up, because…that’s funny? Anyway, what’s up with Reggie? It looks like he doesn’t know what to make of Jughead eating “perfume”. Oh, well, the story’s over.

This segment was okay. Typical cartoon sci-fi plot. Realistically, due to all of the poor decisions that Archie and Jughead made, they never would have beaten the two-hour deadline, but this is The New Archies, where two hours pass in seven minutes, and all is well.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 20 – Change of Minds

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-01-title.jpg
Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:19

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-02-Eugene-houseTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-03-Eugene-tableTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-04-Eugene-Sparky
The segment opens with Eugene, in his basement lab, trying to convince his terrified dog, Sparky, to participate in an experiment. I guess Eugene subscribes to the Emmett Brown School of Science.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-05-Chewy
“This is fucked up, yo.”

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-06-IQ-enhancer
Eugene wants to test his IQ enhancer on Sparky – with the goal of turning everyone in the world into a genius (except even Eugene admits there’s no hope for Moose).

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-07-Sparky-Chewy
Unfortunately, Eugene’s bird, Chewy, flies in and fucks everything up.

Eugene stops the machine – by pressing all three buttons, which leads me to believe he was just guessing.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-08-Eugene-pets
Eugene guesses his machine’s a failure.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-09-Eugene-stairs
The doorbell rings, and Eugene bolts upstairs. What’s up with that penguin?

Anyway, after Eugene leaves, Sparky and Chewy seemingly pass out and then spaz out and spin around the room as cartoony tornadoes, because of course they fucking do.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-10-Sparky-as-birdTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-11-Chewy-as-dog
Then they start acting like each other – with Sparky making bird calls and Chewy barking, because they can totally do that in each other’s bodies. Yeah, it seems Eugene has inadvertently invented a brain-swapping device.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-12-Chewy-Sparky
No, no NO! This is impossible!

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-13-Sparky-perchTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-14-Chewy-bone
Animation error: the outline of the bone cuts across Chewy’s beak.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-15-guys
Anyway, Archie, Jughead, and Moose have come by. Jughead licks his ice cream and declares they don’t build these things like they used to. Eugene’s like “What the fuck?” I guess the “joke” is the fact that the ice cream used to fall over in the good old days, but it stays upright now. Whatever. Archie asks Eugene if he’s ready for the knowledge bowl. Eugene’s pumped and ready to “beat those creeps from [unintelligible] Heights”.

The pets come by. Chewy-in-Sparky steals Jughead’s ice cream. During more of these antics, Eugene figures out what happened. Trying to grab the pets to put them back in machine and reverse the procedure leads to this:

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-16-Moose-Eugene-swap
Oops.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-17-Moose-Eugene
Some (much shorter) cartoony tornado nonsense occurs. Moose, in Eugene’s body, lifts the IQ enhancer, claiming he’s never felt stronger. Bullshit! Eugene warns him against dropping it.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-18-machine-explodes
Who didn’t see that coming? Okay, I admit I didn’t see the explosion coming. What kind of volatile materials is the machine made out of?

After a bit of antics, Archie guesses maybe they can figure out something at school. Um, what could they possibly do at school that they couldn’t do in Eugene’s lab?

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-19-RJHSTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-20-Eugene-answers
In history class, “Moose” correctly answers a question, the tenth in a row. Ms. Grundy praises him.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-21-Eugene-Grundy
“Awww, stop it.”

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-22-Moose-fish-bowl
Moose, for whatever fucking reason, is balancing a fish bowl on his head. Betty’s staring at him like “What the fuck?”

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-23-Moose-fish-bowl-2TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-24-Reggie-Veronica
He spills the water all over himself, no doubt killing the fish. Betty and the other students find his dumbassery hilarious.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-25-Betty-Moose-Grundy
Ms. Grundy’s like “What the fuck?” Oh, and Goldie the goldfish survived and is now happily swimming in a magically refilled fish bowl. Also, we learn Eugene wears a white shirt with a pocket under his sweater.

Ms. Grundy doesn’t know what’s going on. Eugene is like “You wouldn’t believe this shit. Have an apple.” Ms. Grundy is shocked for some reason and makes bizarre motions.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-26-Moose-phases
Then Moose…phases through Eugene, grabs the apple, and eats it.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-27-guys-bell
The bell rings. Archie tells the guys that they gotta practice for “the big game”.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-28-Jughead-burger
But Jughead’s gonna practice eating.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-29-Grundy-spins
LAME CARTOON PHYSICS ALERT: kids lightly brushing against Ms. Grundy on their way out the door makes her spin around really fast.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-30-football-practiceTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-31-Moose-coach
At football practice, “Eugene” begs the coach to let him play, but the coach ain’t havin’ it and points him to the bench.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-32-Jughead-Eugene-coach
Apparently, Riverdale Junior High School is one game away from being “city champs”. Um, who, exactly, are they playing against? Don’t tell me that Riverdale has another junior high school, complete with another football program. Maybe a private school?

Losing will, from what the coach says, cost him his job. No pressure.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-33-Moose-EugeneTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-34-Eugene-footballTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-35-Eugene-Reggie
Practice doesn’t go well for “Moose”.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-36-Eugene-Moose
Eventually, “Eugene” takes the ball and throws it away in frustration.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-37-guys-football
He manages to knock over his friends with the ball, despite being in a weakling’s body.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-38-coach-Moose-kick
The coach brings a football over to “Eugene” and asks him to kick. Of course, he does amazing, because this story has no concept of what being in a radically different body would do to a person.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-39-football-space
Bullshit! Also, what the fuck is that thing in the background? A spaceship?

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-40-Eugene-houseTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-41-Sparky-cat
Back at Eugene’s house, Sparky-in-Chewy has some fun scaring Eugene’s cat.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-42-Chewy-Sparky-penguin
More antics. The penguin appears to be a statue. At least, I hope it is.

This goes on way too long. Eventually, they do a quick tornado spin and seemingly switch minds again. Chewy flies back up to the perch.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-43-auditoriumTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-44-audienceTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-45-Grundy-Weatherbee
In the auditorium, they’re down to the last question in the “annual Knowledge Bowl”. Riverdale is being beaten 49-0. Ms. Grundy spins the wheel for the 50-point bonus question. Well, isn’t that convenient? Be lucky enough to answer one question correctly and win the whole fucking match.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-46-Archie-Moose-Grundy-Amani
“Eugene” buzzes in prematurely, and Ms. Grundy’s like “What you on, dumbass?”

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-47-Archie-Moose-Amani
Even Archie and Amani are pissed at him. Apparently, Moose has been buzzing in and answering every question wrong.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-48-Riverdale-Elementary-School-sign
“Eugene” gets up and storms off, and…what the fuck? Riverdale Elementary School?! Elementary?! Granted, up to this point, the show had never specified the name of the school, and it still hasn’t specified the precise grade and age of the students. I just assumed it was junior high based on the cheerleaders and sports teams and Archie’s letter jacket. I was in elementary school at that time, and we didn’t have that – not until middle school. If we played sports at all in elementary school, it was for gym class. That’s it. I guess being in elementary school does fit in with the kids having only one teacher, but it seems the writers didn’t want it to be quite as limiting as elementary school, so they threw in the other stuff.

By the way, in elementary school, we didn’t have inter-school competitions. In fourth grade, we had a spelling bee against another classroom, and that was as epic as it got. It came down to me and a girl from the other class. The word was “remainder”. I won and was treated like royalty for the rest of the day, getting high fives and free Now and Laters from my classmates. Good times.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-49-wheel-Moose-Weatherbee
Anyway, “Eugene” tries to spin the question wheel and breaks it. Bullshit.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-50-Grundy-wheel
Bull-fucking-shit!

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-51-Grundy-wheel-Moose
Is the story over yet?

Anyway, “Eugene” somehow redirects the wheel, taking it outside and across the street.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-52-Archie-Eugene-Amani
Back inside, “Moose” sits down, citing a rule that says he can substitute for Eugene.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-53-Reggie-Jughead-Veronica
Veronica’s like “What the fuck?” Reggie’s amused. Jughead doesn’t give a shit.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-54-Reggie-Jughead
Jughead burns Reggie good. Well, good by elementary standards, anyway.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-55-nerds
The nerds on the opposing team are confident. Yeah, their school has a name; it ends with Heights, but I can’t understand the first word.

Ms. Grundy asks the final question: What’s the tallest mountain in the world?

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-56-Eugene-answers
“Moose” correctly answers Mount Everest (after initially making a joke).

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-57-Grundy-excited
Ms. Grundy’s excited that her dumbass team managed to answer one question correctly.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-58-celebration
The audience is excited. The team celebrates.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-59-celebration-2
Mr. Weatherbee’s about to present them with the trophy, but “Eugene” brings the wheel back to the school for some fucking reason.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-60-trophy
The wheel flattens the trophy. Bullshit!

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-61-Weatherbee-presentsTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-62-Eugene-fade
Mr. Weatherbee presents it to the team, anyway, and “Moose” folds it up and…puts it in his shirt. Okay. Oddly, the scene fades to black for a commercial break right then.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-63-stadium
After the commercial break, we’re at the big game. Like all elementary school football teams, they get to play in a stadium.

The announcer sucks at his job, claiming Riverdale is trailing twenty to nothing right before we see this:

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-64-scoreboard
Also, why would the other team be named by mascot while Riverdale isn’t?

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-65-Eugene-footballTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-66-coach-frustrated
The coach is frustrated, because “Moose” got the ball and is running the wrong way. Jughead complains Pop forgot the ketchup on his hamburger.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-67-Eugene-end-zone
So, from what I can tell, “Moose” makes a touchdown, but the announcer claims he dropped the ball after running 95 yards to his own end zone, resulting in the score…staying exactly as it was when we last saw the scoreboard, but the announcer actually says what’s on the scoreboard this time, so I think the show’s trying to make us believe a “failed” touchdown in your own end zone gets the opposing team six points. Fuck this show.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-68-Eugene-coach-Moose
Eugene wants his body back. The coach throws his ass out of the game and substitutes “Eugene”.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-69-Moose-touchdown
Of course, “Eugene” does great, because he’s got the build of a player. Oh, wait, no, he doesn’t.

Despite Riverdale still being six points behind, the coach claims one more touchdown will make them the winners.

Unfortunately, Moose and Eugene tornado-spin at that moment, switching bodies. Well, isn’t that convenient?

The coach has been oblivious to all of this mind-swapping bullshit, so he pushes Eugene into the game.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-70-Eugene-football
Eugene actually intercepts the ball from Archie but then freaks out and runs the wrong way, away from the opposing team. The announcer tries to claim this is what happened last time, but, as you recall, he said Moose ran to his own end zone, not the wrong way.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-71-Eugene-tackled
Who didn’t see that coming?

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-72-coach-Moose
Moose begs the coach to let him play with just a minute left. The coach agrees, reminding Moose that his job is on the line.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-73-Moose-end-zone
Moose gets the ball and makes a run for the end zone (the right one). The crowd goes wild.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-74-Betty-Veronica-cheer
Betty and Veronica cheer him on, as elementary school students are known to do.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-75-coach-hugs-Jughead
The coach excitedly hugs Jughead. Jughead loves his anchovy burger, which he’s never had before.

Moose’s (unseen) touchdown earns Riverdale seven points, so they win the game 27-26 at the last second.

In their excitement, some of Moose’s teammates sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and try to lift him up.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-76-Moose-crushes-teammates
It goes as you’d expect.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-77-Eugene-houseTNA-20-Change-of-Minds-78-Archie-Jughead-Eugene
Some time later, at Eugene’s house, Archie and Jughead walk into his “totally rad” new invention. Eugene says he’s still ironing out a few bugs and forcefully tells them to not touch anything.

Of course, Jughead, dumbass that he is, butt-presses a button, gassing them and turning them into chickens.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-79-Archie-Jughead-Eugene-2
YOU THOUGHT I WAS JOKING.

TNA-20-Change-of-Minds-80-Eugene
“D’oh!”

This segment was outlandish but also pretty dull at the same time. There are a lot of antics and misunderstandings resulting from the mind-swapping. The overall message seems to be “Eugene and Moose are good at their own shit only, no matter the body.” I guess there’s some kind of message of “Everyone has their own gifts; don’t try to be someone else, just be yourself”, but this doesn’t really appear in the story, because, when they weren’t just going along with what they were told to do, Eugene and Moose were trying to be themselves. Whatever. Just remember one important thing from this story: Eugene and Moose must have held each other’s dicks while using the restroom.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 19 – Loose Lips Stops Slips

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-01-title.jpg
Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is so late.

What the hell is up with the weird episode titles in this series?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-02-RJHSTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-03-class
The segment opens with Ms. Grundy announcing a statue-raising this Saturday.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-04-Grundy-statue
Riverdale Junior High School has decided to award a smaller statue of the town’s founder. This news unrealistically gets some excitement out of some of the students. It will go to a student that proves to be an outstanding citizen.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-05-Archie-rope
While Ms. Grundy’s talking, Archie’s playing with a rope. Ms. Grundy has to fight for his attention.

Ms. Grundy, as always, expects someone from her class to win. She then goes back to teaching long division with remainders, something that I’d expect in an elementary school, not a junior high school.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-06-JugheadTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-07-Jughead-watch
Meanwhile, Jughead’s playing a (color) Pac-Man rip-off watch game. He then takes out some uncharacteristically healthy food (an apple and a banana) to eat. He turns around to ask Archie what he’s doing. Archie’s practicing knots for his Raccoon Ranger merit badge. He wants Jughead to cover for him, and Jughead agrees. This two aren’t exactly being quiet. It’s not like the class in general is being loud. Even Ms. Grundy isn’t talking. Why isn’t she calling them out on their shit?

The recess bell rings, and Archie just fucking gets up and leaves without permission from Ms. Grundy. Not only that, but…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-08-Archie-drags-Jughead
Yeah, it’s as stupid as it looks. Jughead laments the loss of his (uncharacteristically healthy) snacks.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-09-RJHSTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-10-girls
After school, Betty says she’ll talk with her folks and meet Veronica and Amani at the old-age home. Amani and Veronica basically admit they’re doing this to get the (one) statue (which goes to only one person), but, really, why would they fucking care about this? Anyway, Veronica shoves her way past some people to do some “good deeds”. Ha.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-11-Reggie-truck
Reggie chews out a delivery person for being late.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-12-Reggie-newspapers
He angrily vows to tell his father about this treatment.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-13-Eugene-Moose-Reggie
Moose doesn’t know what he’s gonna do for a good deed yet. He opens the door for Reggie and offers to help him with the newspapers, but Reggie is paranoid about Moose stealing his good deed.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-14-Eugene-Moose
Moose then offers to help Eugene with his books.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-15-Grundy-Reggie
Reggie is passing out free newspapers to all of the teachers – after school. I’m pretty sure that someone usually buys a newspaper and puts it in the faculty lounge at the beginning of the day to read. Anyway, Ms. Grundy cuts some coupons out of the newspaper and says kissing up doesn’t count as a good deed. Reggie’s disappointed and starts to leave, but Ms. Grundy wants Mr. Weatherbee’s shopping section. Reggie has an “Aha!” moment. Um, that doesn’t mean you’ve succeeded, dumbass.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-16-Archie-soccer-fieldTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-17-coach-truck
Archie comes across the coach changing a flat tire on his truck and offers to help, but the coach declines (probably for legal reasons). The coach named his truck Ol’ Betsy, which has historically been the name of Archie’s car in the comics.

Archie insists on helping, anyway, after the coach expresses a concern about the jack holding. Helping, for Archie, means tying a slipknot around the other side of the truck and then tying the other end of the rope around a tree. Archie gives a tug, and…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-18-coach-truck-2
No.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-19-coach-truck-3
NO.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-20-coach
“What the fuck did you do, asshole?!”

The coach chases his tire across the soccer field. The tire goes through a net, making a hole. Yeah, no, soccer nets are way more durable than that. But that’s not the main problem with this moment. Check this shit out:

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-21-tire-netTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-22-tire-net-2
The animation is so shitty that the hole doesn’t appear until a frame after the tire passes through the net.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-23-coach-tireTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-24-coach-frog
After this debacle, the coach refuses Archie’s offer of the rope to help him out (yeah, seriously, Archie thinks the fucking rope is gonna help) and tells him to get the fuck away from him.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-25-Archie-sidewalk
So Archie’s walking along, dejected, and he’s still carrying his stupid rope around.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-26-Archie-sign
He stops when he hears horrible “singing” coming out of the local old-folks home.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-27-girls
Of course, the girls would be behind this assault on peace and quiet.

We never actually see the old folks, but here’s something to consider: if time passed normally after the series ended, all of them would be dead by now.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-28-Archie-EthelTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-29-Ethel-eats
Ethel is having fun and wants Archie to get in the spirit. She’s getting free noms in exchange for her good deeds, though, so she’s biased.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-30-Moose-kids
Moose lifts up the front of some dude’s car (which I guess got a little too close to the crosswalk), allowing two kids to cross the street. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the car drive past? The kids can wait. More importantly, though, why the fuck are two little kids crossing the street unsupervised?!

Anyway, Moose carelessly drops the car when he sees Archie and wishes he knew what to do for his good deed. So…that wasn’t it? Moose just randomly came across a car at the intersection, thought “It’s too close to the crosswalk”, and lifted it, so two slow-walking kids could pass by without having to go around it?

Archie basically answers this by saying “Moose is always doing good deeds.” Since when? That’s not exactly a character trait that Moose is known for.

Anyway, Archie considers moving to Bora Bora, because not being able to do a good deed to win a stupid statue means he can never show his face in Riverdale again.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-31-street-sunrise
Admittedly, this is a nice shot.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-32-Andrews-houseTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-33-Archie
Anyway, the next morning (I guess), Archie decides to start his “good deed-doing” early, believing everybody will love him.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-34-Archie-trash-can
He’s too busy playing with his stupid rope that he knocks over a trash can.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-35-house
This simultaneously wakes up all of the neighbors, who promptly turn on their lights and complain…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-36-Archie-shoes
…and throw shoes at Archie, creating more noise.

As Archie picks up the trash can, he knocks the other one over, and it rolls down the street. Still, Archie says he can’t give up.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-37-Archie-lasso
For fuck’s sake, dude, just run after it. You’re not gonna catch a rolling trash can with a lasso.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-38-Archie-mailbox
See?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-39-Grundy-Archie
Later, Archie’s walking along, dejected, and gets into Ms. Grundy’s flower garden and begs her for to help out of desperation.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-40-Archie-flowers
He pulls “weeds”, actually flowers, and he was kneeling on other flowers, so she removes him.

He offers to water her garden, but she wants to do it herself. He offers to untangle the hose, and…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-41-hose
No.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-42-Grundy-hose
NO.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-43-Grundy-splashed
NO!

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-44-Grundy-chased
For fuck’s sake…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-45-Grundy-ground
Ms. Grundy is pissed and goes to change clothes before class. Archie’s all excited about how the water made his knots tighten and shrink up, but she doesn’t give a shit.

Archie decides he was right the first time: he is gonna move to Pago Pago. Um, I think the writers made an error.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-46-Grundy-Archie
Later, Archie shows up to class and tells Ms. Grundy that he put the hose away. She thanks him and says they were just reviewing the class’ good deeds.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-47-universe-poster
This is Eugene’s “lovely display explaining the universe”. Yeah, no, it’s bullshit. Even Ms. Grundy sees it, because she wants Eugene to actually give an explanation and gets this in response:

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-48-EugeneTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-49-flowersTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-50-Reggie-shocked
Reggie’s flowers, bought with the family’s credit card, bomb as well.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-51-Betty-seedlings
Betty planted seedlings for the garden, which was last seen floating down Main Street. The class yucks it up. What happened to volunteering at the old-folks home?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-52-Archie-embarrassed
Anyway, the class laughing makes Archie feel embarrassed for some reason.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-53-VeronicaTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-54-Smithers-board
Veronica points out the clean chalk board. I notice Smithers has been dyeing his hair.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-55-Grundy-apple-JugheadTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-56-Jughead-blushes
Jughead again uncharacteristically takes out an apple to eat, and Ms. Grundy confiscates it, claiming it’s for her. The class yucks it up.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-57-Grundy-Archie.jpg
Ms. Grundy, ostensibly addressing the entire class, tells Archie to not lose heart.

The video that I have cuts to black for 8 frames. I don’t think a commercial break was meant to go here, and the running time isn’t any shorter than usual, so I think all that’s missing is a scene transition of some sort.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-58-gang-Pop's-1TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-59-gang-Pop's-2
After school, some of the gang are hanging out at Pop’s. Veronica thanks Eugene for helping with her homework.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-60-Jughead-Betty-Veronica
She then sarcastically thanks Jughead for finishing her lunch.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-61-Reggie-arrives
Reggie arrives and says they’re having a banana split on him.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-62-Archie-banana-split
Archie’s beat him to it, though. This earns Archie cheers from his friends, but then…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-63-Archie-tripsTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-64-Archie-tableTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-65-guys-splitTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-66-girls-split
…Archie trips over his stupid rope, which he’s still carrying around with him for whatever fucking reason, and gets banana split over everyone (except, it seems, for Eugene, who disappears for the rest of the scene). Veronica freaks out about her dress despite not wearing one.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-67-Archie-Reggie-split
Archie guesses Reggie was right (the split is on him).

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-68-Reggie-pissed
Reggie looks like he wants to kill Archie (and I don’t blame him).

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-69-Andrews-houseTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-70-Archie-rope
Later, at Archie’s house, he’s still obsessing over his stupid rope.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-71-girls-sweep
Betty asks him to come over and help her, Veronica, and Amani…sweep the lawn, but he says he’d only jinx them.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-72-Ethel-washes-car
Ethel, who’s washing someone’s car, gets in a burn. Archie doesn’t care.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-73-Moose-rescues-cat
Moose rescues a girl’s cat from a tree and is unaware he’s been doing good deeds. Ha.

Archie says he’s gonna move to Walla Walla. I guess Archie constantly changing where he’s gonna move to is the running “joke” in this segment.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-74-newspaper
Reggie is delivering newspapers (after school?) for someone named Winston, who has the chicken pox. Reggie believes the statue is his. Archie tries to lasso the newspaper out of the roses (where Reggie had thrown it), but…

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-75-Archie-roses
Archie says Walla Walla’s too close, and he’s moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. This running “joke” isn’t funny. Did the writers just want to name a bunch of cities?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-76-Betty-Jughead
Later, Betty and Jughead show up at Archie’s to notify him of the statue-raising. Archie’s convinced he’ll jinx it.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-77-Betty-pulls-Archie
Betty ain’t puttin’ up with that shit.

She mentions they haven’t seen him since those shopping carts got away from him on Baxter Hill. Say what? Did the segment just skip over a bunch of time?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-78-statue-raising
At the school, a crowd has gathered to witness the statue-raising.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-79-Weatherbee-Grundy
Mr. Weatherbee is testing the microphone and gets some feedback. He reacts sensibly like this:

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-80-Weatherbee-surprised
Dude, chill.

He talks about the difficulties of raising the statue of their “beloved” founder, Horace Riverdale. Some random people in the crowd gasp when the statue is almost dropped. Mr. Weatherbee asks for the crowd’s complete silence. The guy raising the statue basically yells at them to shut the fuck up.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-81-statue-dude
He then declares the rope’s gonna give and runs the fuck away.

Archie wants to hose down the rope. Mr. Weatherbee protests, but one of the workers says he’s right.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-82-Weatherbee-ArchieTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-83-water-statue
Archie manages to hose down a lot of people before getting to the statue. Ms. Grundy yells, because…this is most unorthodox?

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-84-statue
The audience is in awe as the statue is successfully raised.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-85-Grundy-statue
Ms. Grundy’s had a hell of a difficult time trying to decide who’s worthy of the stupid little statue.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-86-crowdTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-87-crowd-2
The kids are excited to learn who it will be. Only Goddess knows why.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-88-Archie-hose
Guess where this is going.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-89-Archie-hosed
Okay, a slight twist. The crowd yucks it up.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-90-Jughead-Archie-BettyTNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-91-Betty-Archie-Jughead
Anyway, Archibald Andrews is the winner. Yay. Jughead and Betty escort him to the stage.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-92-Grundy-Archie
Of course, it can’t go off without a hitch.

TNA-19-Loose-Lips-Stops-Slips-93-Archie
“Woe is me. *sigh*”

This segment was pretty dull. The bits with the rope were barely made relevant in the end. The statue was something that few (if any) actual kids would care about winning. Why would this suddenly be a competition, anyway, instead of being awarded to whichever student has shown to be a good citizen over, say, the current school year? Why wasn’t Mayor Melvin at the ceremony? Lastly, what the fucking fuck was up with the episode’s title? It has absolutely nothing to do with the story!

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 18 – The Prince of Riverdale

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-01-title
Writer: Dennis O’Flaherty
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 7, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-02-limo
The segment opens with some stuffy dudes in a limo.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-03-stuffy-dude
A prince asks for the name of the town, and this stuffy dude (who sounds kind of like a woman) says it’s Riverdale. The prince will be speaking here this afternoon.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-04-prince
Whoa, the prince looks just like Archie. I can already tell where this story is heading.

The prince would like to live in a quiet little place like this, but Stuffy Dude says the kingdom of Rutitalia (I think that’s what he says) has many of those – and much more “cultured” than this “dump”.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-05-prince-boner
Betty and Veronica run by, doing a cheer on the sidewalk (why?), and the prince instantly gets a boner.

We learn the prince’s name is Efelbert (I think). Learning what he’s learned of Riverdale’s hot girls, he wishes he never had this vacation. Stuffy Dude says it’s the custom; when they return to their kingdom, the prince must “become king” and marry Princess Bertha. Um, princes usually ascend to the throne after their fathers (the kings) die. What the hell kind of monarchy does this kingdom have?

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-06-prince-yells
The prince demands the car be stopped.

He gets out of the car and asks the stuffy dude, Colonel Brutz (I think), if he’s still on vacation. He says the prince has to give a speech this afternoon. The prince declares he’s on vacation until then and leaves. The colonel laments the fact that his kingdom doesn’t have a president.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-07-Archie-basketball
At Riverdale Junior High School, Archie practices basketball while some synthtastic musical score plays. Archie imagines a sports announcer praising his moves and calling “Big Red Andrews” better than Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain. Damn, what an ego.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-08-prince-applauds
The prince has stopped by to watch and applauds Archie.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-09-Archie-prince
Archie asks the prince if he’s seen him somewhere before. The prince tells the “ol’ boy” that he seems “a bit familiar”. What a couple of dumbasses.

Archie introduces himself. The prince introduces himself as (and I know I’m probably wrong) Efelbert von Bineschmeck. He allows Archie to call him Bertie. Archie recognizes him as being with “that foreign group” that’s playing at the civic auditorium. He praises the prince’s costume. The prince corrects him and says he’s about to become king. Now, Archie realizes who he is. The prince not-so-subtlely says he’d trade places with Archie in a minute. Archie is in disbelief, because there’s a “giant” math test tomorrow.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-10-Archie-decorates-prince
Archie gets out a coloring utensil and draws freckles on the prince. So I guess he’s acknowledging they look almost identical. Still no direct mention of it, though.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-11-prince-decorates-Archie
Likewise, the prince covers up Archie’s freckles with…flesh-colored paint?

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-12-prince-Archie-reflections
They check themselves out.

They agree to switch places “in the name of international friendship”. They go to the locker room to change clothes.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-13-limoTNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-14-colonelTNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-15-Archie-jumps
Archie shows up at the limo in disguise, jumping and whistling. He also struggles to remember the colonel’s name. He’s not off to a good start in fooling anyone. The colonel thinks America has had a bad effect on the prince. Archie waves it off and goes off with them to do “important things”.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-16-WeatherbeeTNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-17-Archie-colonel
After the commercial break, the “prince” is trying to pressure Mr. Weatherbee into declaring an “amnesty from school”. Mr. Weatherbee doubts the legality of it. Students start chanting the prince’s name outside. The colonel mentions they’ve been to three amusement parks and one roller rink. All in one day?!

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-18-Bernie-Archie
Archie has Bernie (I think), the limo driver, wheel over a shit-ton of hamburgers.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-19-Archie-throws-hamburgersTNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-20-crowd
Archie fulfills a life-long dream of throwing free hamburgers to a crowd of cheering students, none of which make any attempt to catch them.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-21-Weatherbee-suspicious
Mr. Weatherbee believes he’s seen the “prince” here before. It’s Archie, you dumbass! He doesn’t even have the prince’s faux British accent!

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-22-Reggie-Jughead-Pop'sTNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-23-Reggie-Jughead-burgers
After school, Reggie and Jughead are enjoying their free burgers outside Pop’s (I wonder what Pop thinks of that). They have positive opinions of the prince. Reggie does have one “problem” with him, though: he looks a lot like Archie. Omigoddess, these fucking morons.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-24-prince
Anyway, Jughead notices “Archie” and how he keeps looking around – as if seeing this place for the first time. Hmmm, how’d he make it through the school day?

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-25-prince-2
The prince, not even attempting to hide his accent, greets “Jarface” and “Veggie”.

TNA-18-The-Prince-of-Riverdale-26-Jughead-Reggie-prince
Reggie’s about to fuck the prince up for that.