The New Archies, Segment 24 – Making of Mr. Righteous

Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with…these two random girls walking as Eugene talks.

They walk past Eugene’s house.

Eugene has made a robotic duplicate of himself and is wrongly convinced no one could tell the difference. Um, I can.

He turns the robot off, not having time to test it today.

Unfortunately, at the same time as Eugene leaves out the back door, Moose arrives through the front door. Two questions: Why does Eugene run out the back door? (Answer: So he and Moose miss each other; that’s it.) And why the fuck does Moose just run into Eugene’s house unannounced? Who does that in real life?

Of course, Moose is a dumbass and thinks “Eugene” is just playing funny by standing completely still. He accidentally activates the robot. Oh, and he ran in here to get Eugene for school, because they’re running late. I know I haven’t addressed this yet, but since when do junior high students walk/run/skateboard to school? I know I never did that. I took the school bus. On the very rare days that I missed the bus, and neither of my parents were home, I just stayed home.

Anyway, Moose is delighted that the robot points out a chocolate stain on his shirt. Moose wants to get going.

The robot death-stares at Moose and tells him to tuck in his fucking shirt.

Later, Archie’s playing frisbee with Red. Wow, remember Red? We haven’t seen him in a while.

Eugene stops by to play with Red. That’s cute.

Then Eugene and Archie walk to school together. Archie tells Red to stay. Um, Archie leaves his dog outside, untied and unsupervised? That’s a recipe for roadkill. I admit my cat has free roam of the yard, but he’s a fat, lazy-ass motherfucker that likes to sleep most of the day.

Aaawww… 😦

“What the fuck?!”

Red doesn’t know what to make of this, takes his frisbee, and leaves. Moose is confused.

Archie and Eugene enter Riverdale Junior High School. Eugene teases a “big-deal project” but can’t tell Archie before testing it.

Because he, too, is a dumbass, Reggie mistakes the robot for Eugene and demands to see his homework. Apparently, Eugene is not above letting Reggie copy his homework. The robot is, though, and lets him know it.

Ms. Grundy overhears and busts “Reginald”.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee tries to sneak a snack, but Ms. Grundy reminds him that he’s starting his diet today.

The robot tries to get smart about Mr. Weatherbee’s weight, and Moose has to shut him up. After some banter, Mr. Weatherbee throws his snack in the trash can, probably figuring he’d get caught again. Why doesn’t he just eat in the privacy of his own office? Anyway, he sees this:

He blames the diet, claiming he’s “weak from hunger”.

TNA-24-Making-of-Mr.-Righteous-26-Eugene-Reggie.jpgIn class, Reggie tells Eugene that he got an hour’s detention. Eugene apologizes and then offers Reggie his homework to copy quick.

At lunch, Jughead approaches the robot and Moose and asks which “lucky guy” will loan him “a measley five bucks”. The robot calls Jughead out on his bullshit, which Moose finds hilarious. Jughead wonders what’s with “Eugene”. Moose suggests trying Big Ethel, because she’s “always got money”. Okay, um, Ethel isn’t exactly rich or anything close in the comics, but whatever. Jughead dismisses it, saying he’s “not that desperate” and doesn’t wanna hang out with her.

Betty has shit luck with her locker. Haha, I remember trying to fit everything in my locker back in the day. Never ripped a sweater in the process, though.

Eugene comes by and compliments the color (of her sweater, I guess). She thanks him and offers to “grab a sandwich” with him. He politely declines and walks away.

Holy shit, that’s a big burger! Don’t let Jughead see it!

Anyway, Moose suggests the robot come to watch him at the track and field tryouts. Wow, that’s arrogant. The robot decides to try out himself and chastises Moose for talking with his mouth full.

Moose isn’t sure what to make of “Eugene” trying out but then gives him a hamburger (he has “plenty”), thinking “Eugene” “forgot” his lunch.

Betty comes by and is like “What the fuck?” The robot insults Betty’s outfit. Betty gets confused and then pissed off. What she doesn’t do is take note of the obviously mechanical parts and robotic-sounding voice of her supposed friend.

Yeah, everyone on this show is a fucking idiot.

Anyway, Betty storms off, and Ms. Grundy randomly walks over to their table with an empty tray – for absolutely no reason except so the robot can put his huge burger on her tray and insult her weight. Oh, and he also insults her hairdo and suggests “a complete makeover”. She gives him an hour of detention today – “after school”. Um, is there another kind?

Anyway, Moose guesses “Eugene” won’t be at tryouts. “Eugene” says “I’ll be there.”

After the commercial break, Mr. Weatherbee complains about the “rabbit food” that he has to eat.

Both Eugenes walk past his door, confusing him. How does Eugene not see the robot walking directly in front of him?

Later, Amani calls out to “Eugene”, and he criticizes her for yelling (it’s not “ladylike”). She’s pissed but also needs his help with her computer project, so she’ll meet him at their “usual place” after school. I guess they stuck to those computer lessons. She says “Gotta run” and leaves.

For some reason, this causes the robot to short circuit.

Later, Eugene asks his “buddy” Moose where he’s been all day. Moose finds this funny and says he’ll see Eugene at tryouts. Eugene says he isn’t coming and leaves, confusing Moose.

Later, Moose encounters the robot, which is dressed for tryouts, confusing him. The robot tells Moose to eat more fish – “brain food”.

Somehow, Moose doesn’t murder it.

Later, Ethel and “Juggie” pass them on their way to Pop’s. The robot calls Jughead “desperate”.

Ethel gets angry.

Jughead “predicts” a storm and uses it as an excuse to run away.

Ethel confronts “Eugene”. Jughead told it that he’d have to be desperate to borrow money from her.

She whacks him in the face with her purse. He runs away, and she chases him.

Later, Mr. Weatherbee leaves his office, sees only one Eugene, and decides the worst must be over.

Spoke too soon.

Mr. Weatherbee decides he needs food to avoid seeing things.

Later, Eugene makes a passing mention to Betty about the “brutal” math test that they’d had.

This pisses her off.

Eugene asks “Juggie” what happened to him. Jughead gets pissed.

Eugene wonders what the fuck’s going on.

Ms. Grundy nabs Eugene and throws his ass in detention.

Reggie vows revenge. Eugene is hopelessly lost. Ms. Grundy piles on fifteen or fifty more minutes for talking.

“I don’t understand! Someone please explain!”

At the tryouts, Moose throws a discus and does pretty good.

Moose cautions his “little buddy” to be careful while throwing the heavy discus.

Somehow, this doesn’t tip anyone off, but, then again, humans on this show regularly demonstrate superhuman capabilities.

The coach gets excited over “Eugene” (again) and violates personal boundaries.

Moose is done.

Later, at Pop’s, Amani chews Eugene out for being late. He’s confused and doesn’t answer when she asks where he was, giving her the idea that he doesn’t want to help her.

Eugene goes inside.

Jughead, Moose, and Betty are here – and want nothing to do with Eugene. He leaves.

Mr. Weatherbee is here, too. He sees the robot out the window and freaks out again.

Eugene comes home, still confused, and realizes his robot is gone.

Back at Pop’s, the gang (sans Veronica, who I guess is absent today) discusses Eugene’s odd behavior. Archie suggests checking up on him.

This warrants a group cheer.

Mr. Weatherbee wonders what to do and apparently contemplates suicide.

The robot just happens to show up…for some reason. It causes Mr. Weatherbee to fall in the water, and then it admonishes him for not reading the sign. Mr. Weatherbee says he can’t swim. As he drowns, the robot says “Hmmm. Well, then, technically, you’re not breaking the law.” Okay, that was pretty funny. 🙂

The gang shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee cries out for help. The robot is conflicted but eventually decides he has to help.

“Eugene” saves Mr. Weatherbee. The gang cheers.

Mr. Weatherbee comes to…

…and faints upon seeing “Eugene”.

“Eugene” says it serves him right for not reading.

Moose doesn’t take kindly to that.

He angsts over decapitating his “little buddy”.

Archie points out that it’s a robot, and Moose is upset that his “best friend” is a robot.

Mr. Weatherbee wakes up and sees this:

Surprisingly, he doesn’t faint. Also, why do the robot’s eyes open on their own?

Eugene suddenly shows up…for some reason.

Mr. Weatherbee freaks out and…

Then the decapitated robot touches Mr. Weatherbee’s arm.

It goes as you’d expect.

Eugene laughs as he finally realizes what’s been going on.

As he reaches down to help Betty onto the dock, the robot knocks him into the water.

It’s all good, though.

This segment was kinda funny, but it relied too much on 1) everyone being too much of an idiot to see a robot for what it was, 2) no one except Mr. Weatherbee encountering two Eugenes throughout the day, and 3) everyone just randomly showing up at the dock at the end.


The New Archies, Segment 23 – Jughead’s Millions

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

The segment opens with Veronica relating a rich, privileged white girl anecdote in class.

Betty calls her out on it.

Reggie and Veronica are shocked by this challenge to their worldview.

Archie talks about what being a middle-class kid is like.

Jughead talks about having to prepare his own “after-breakfast before-lunch snack”.

Ms. Grundy brings up a “special class project”. They’re going to pretend to be adults.

She marries Archie and Betty for a day.

Reggie and Veronica laugh at that. Notably, Veronica’s not the least bit jealous.

Ms. Grundy then assigns the “two gigglers” as their children. Veronica protests. Grundy then corrects Veronica’s grammar (complete with finger wag), because she’s petty. Thankfully, Reggie has a snappy comeback (whether intentional or not) that Riverdale fans can appreciate.

Jughead’s all for the assignment, because he doesn’t have to do shit, but Ms. Grundy gives him $5.00 to invest in the stock market, despite the fact that he’s legally unable to. He wants to invest it in a dozen cheeseburgers, but she won’t let him.

Amani wants to know what the c-list characters are gonna do.

They’re gonna take care of a baby goat, of course! Ms. Grundy had the poor creature stashed in the storage closet. Did Mr. Weatherbee approve this shit?

Also, Ms. Grundy doesn’t care that the goat is eating her students’ papers.

The goat immediately gets on Jughead’s bad side, eating his sandwich.

Ms. Grundy wants the rest of them to write a composition entitled “What It Means to Be an Adult”. The class hates it, and I distinctly hear Veronica protesting, even though she should be exempt from having to write it, because she’s roleplaying for this assignment.

Everyone gets up to leave, even though a bell hasn’t rung, and the class hasn’t been dismissed.

Jughead asks Archie to help him invest the money. Archie gets a bit sassy.

Betty decides Archie’s “wife and kids” are gonna follow him everywhere.

“Um, suuure, honey.” *mutters* “Creepy fucking bitch.”

Reggie’s already had enough of this shit, and Veronica vows to drive Archie and Betty crazy.

So Jughead goes downtown and invests the $5 in some sketchy cheeseburger company. I’m still not sure how he’s able to legally do this. Also, the broker never gives him a stock certificate.

Reggie tries to fuck things up by putting gum in the computer’s keyboard.

Archie’s pissed and orders his “kids” to stand in the corner.

Betty explains her “kids” are cranky when they’ve missed their nap, which is kind of funny. She offers the broker a tissue for the gum, which doesn’t help. Archie also tries getting the gum off.

Reggie and Veronica continue fucking shit up.

Suddenly, the computer informs them that the company that Jughead wanted to invest in (although we never actually see that investment take place) is now the “hottest company in the country”. Jughead’s investment is now worth $50,000, and the value is going up every minute. What the fuck?

Anyway, Reggie and Veronica are excited, but Archie tells them to take it easy, because Jughead is a “responsible adult”.

Nope. He gets his hair and nails done. I find this very unrealistic. Jughead would be spending all of his money on cheeseburgers. Period.

Anyway, Betty suggests Jughead’s overdoing it. Archie seconds what “the little woman” said, and Betty doesn’t react. At all. If I was her, I would have punched that sexist pig right in the fucking face.

Anyway, Jughead literally throws his money away, causing a riot, and promises more. Veronica (the billionaire heiress) and Reggie (the son of the owner of the town’s newspaper) ask “Uncle Juggiekins” (ugh) for some spending money. Well, Veronica does; Reggie just laughs obnoxiously. Jughead’s happy to give the “kids” money to buy themselves “some more trinkets”. They’re unjustifiably happy. Remember, Veronica is basically Riverdale’s version of Paris Hilton. Why the fuck is she excited over getting a few hundred dollars?

Veronica goes out shopping and takes interest in a 49-carat diamond, which she apparently has to put her sunglasses on in order to examine. Why the fuck is she even still wearing those stupid sunglasses at all at this point?

Meanwhile, Reggie’s bought ponies…and brought them into the department store.

Veronica decides they’re gonna race to the ticket booth. What in the actual fuck?

Veronica wants to buy tickets to the Rolling Pebbles concert. The ticket booth attendant, trying to go for a young, hip California surfer accent, disappoints the “rad chick” by revealing he just sold the last two tickets to “this righteous old babe”. Veronica’s bummed.


Archie and Betty arrive and have a laugh at it.

Reggie and Veronica leave their ponies unattended. Betty informs them that Jughead has a “surprise” for all of them.

Yeah, Jughead bought a fucking wrestling arena.

“Why the fuck did you blow a ton of money on this, you fucking idiot?!”

“I can do rich-people shit now, ’cause I’m one of them. Check this out.”

Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking all-girl wrestling team known as the Fabulous Bone Crushers.

Reggie isn’t impressed, because he’s a sexist pig, so…

The fuck?

Archie informs his “son” that they’re off to Jughead’s new house. When did Jughead inform him of this? They just now learned about his new arena.

Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking mansion. Betty tells her “children” to behave themselves and informs them that dinner’s almost ready. Veronica tells “Mommy” that they will.

Yeah, right. Oh, and Jughead doesn’t even give a shit, in case you’re wondering.

Jughead’s butler serves him some “before-dinner burgers”. The doorbell rings. Jughead sends him to see who it is.

It’s the fucking goat. Wow, I’d completely forgotten about that.

Oh, and Moose, Amani, and Eugene barge in as well, chasing after it.

Jughead can’t catch a break.

Um, no.

The video that I have goes black for six frames, so I guess that was a commercial break.

Anyway, Betty sucks at cooking steaks, but she manages to joke about it.

Betty’s rice spills onto the floor, and Archie walks onto the slippery floor like a dumbass, slips, and falls.

Betty fucked up the toast as well and jokes about it.


Reggie and Veronica start chanting “We want food!”, because they’re spoiled pieces of shit, and their “parents” happily serve them. Of course, the “kids” refuse to eat “this slop”.

There is no fucking way that that goat can drag Moose Mason.

Okay, that’s pretty funny.

Veronica starts a food fight.

Jughead comes by and tries to gently tell the “kids” to knock it off.

But then he promptly forgets about it when there’s food in his mouth.

Anyway, he tells them that he’s gonna be on The Lifestyles of the Filthy Rich. Archie makes a joke.

Holy shit, that’s a lot of shit that Jughead ordered.

Anyway, Jughead is interviewed poolside by a Robin Leach knockoff that doesn’t look anything like him.

The butler comes by and accidentally knocks the host into the swimming pool. He hands Jughead an “urgent telegram”. Jughead guesses it’s from his broker with news of more money.

Nope. “All of [his] investments took a nosedive” (despite the fact that Jughead only ever showed interest in investing in one company), leaving him “flat broke”.

The butler passes out at the thought of having to stand in the unemployment line, and then he falls into the swimming pool.

Jughead doesn’t care, since he still has all of his possessions.

Faster than you can say “What the shit?”, a bunch of guys show up and take away all of the shit that Jughead had ordered but hadn’t opened yet, despite the fact that he used cash, check, or credit to purchase them. These companies would have no idea that Jughead’s suddenly broke.

Some random guy even comes by and confiscates Reggie and Veronica’s ponies.

So, naturally, they throw temper tantrums about wanting their ponies.

Jughead gets out a burger “to think”, saying at least no one can take that away from him.


So everyone falls into the swimming pool.

The host does the sign-off for his show, despite the facts that 1) his microphone probably is no longer working, and 2) his camera operator has probably long since taken off.

Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Ms. Grundy asks Jughead what he’s learned about the stock market. He says it’s risky business, and he prefers the supermarket. Don’t ever go into stand-up, Jug.

Ms. Grundy asks Archie and Betty what they discovered about raising children. Betty says it’s not easy, and Archie has a new appreciation for parents. Ms. Grundy hopes everybody gained from their assignment.

Veronica says Archie and Betty are “creepy parents”. Um, did they force you to watch them fuck, Ronnie? If not, then shut the fuck up. Reggie blames them for the loss of their ponies, because…reasons.

Veronica proposes letting the two of them be the parents for a day, saying they’ll do better. Ms. Grundy asks if they’re sure, saying sometimes kids get “special treatment”. They’re sure.

Ms. Grundy gives Betty and Archie the last two tickets to tonight’s Rolling Pebbles concert.

Veronica protests, demanding the tickets. Ms. Grundy says just the “kids” get to go. Lest you think Ms. Grundy set all of this up ahead of time, she actually admitted she was lucky enough to get the tickets, so this is merely an impromptu, last-minute lesson for Veronica and Reggie.

Reggie blatantly snatches the tickets out of Archie’s hand. Archie demands them back.

Just then, the goat, running unsupervised throughout the school, busts open the door, heads directly for Reggie, and eats the tickets, because no one except him is allowed to be happy.

Oh, yeah, we learn from Archie, who makes a joke, that the goat’s name is Munchie. Whatever. The class yucks it up.

This segment was pretty stupid. It was impossible straight from the start, because Jughead would never be allowed to make an investment in the stock market on his own.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 22 – Gunk for Gold

Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 21, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with a soccer game. A player kicks the ball to Moose and tells him to go for the goal.

Moose is initially confused but then thanks the kid, whose name is Biff. He makes a goal.

The coach asks Eugene for a stat update. It seems this is the twelfth goal that Moose has scored for the other team. Oopsie.

Ms. Grundy is trying to support the team, but Mr. Weatherbee laments this is Riverdale’s tenth year in a row losing to the Bainbridge Bongoes. Ms. Grundy says Veronica still has a chance to win this game.

Unfortunately, that asshole Biff appeals to Veronica’s vanity, takes the ball, and then makes some trash talk at Archie.

Biff then scores the winning goal, ending the game. Ms. Grundy tries to kinda-sorta console Mr. Weatherbee.

In the boys’ locker room, the coach tries to look on the bright side: they’ve played only three games. However, Jughead is all negative, pointing out that they’ve lost three. Holy shit, look at that huge stash of burgers. Jughead has a mountain of hamburgers in his fucking gym locker. That’s fucking nasty!

The coach continues to try to be optimistic, but Biff shows up to insult them.

Moose wants to beat the shit out of Biff, but Archie and Eugene somehow restrain him. Yeah, I don’t think so. Anyway, Archie’s still optimistic about their team, but the others aren’t and leave.

Later, Archie’s hanging out at Eugene’s, and he’s frustrated that the team’s so down on themselves.

Eugene feels the same but suggests Archie help him with a science project, claiming it’ll get their minds off soccer. How many science projects do these kids do per year? I seem to remember it being only a once-per-year thing, and I never enjoyed having to do it. Of course, knowing Eugene, he might be doing this just for fun.

Archie agrees and then asks what this shit is.

As Eugene explains, some of the pizza that Archie’s eating drops into an Erlenmeyer flask, contaminating the contents and turning them green.

Eugene immediately notices and runs off with the contaminated substance. Please note the pizza has turned all of Eugene’s compound green, despite the fact that the pizza was dropped into only the one flask.

Eugene dumps the compound in a trash can, which gets all cartoony and barfs it back out.

The gunk bounces around the room. Archie tries to grab it with a net but fails. Finally, he jumps on it…

…and promptly bounces out the window.

Archie’s having a great time.


Eugene comes outside and throws a football for Archie to catch. I find this very unbelievable. Why would Eugene have a football? For that matter, why does he have a basketball hoop?

So Archie kicks the ball while spinning in the air and then just lands. I think Eugene might like his ball back.

Anyway, Archie loves the gunk. Eugene, the intelligent one, wonders what they can use it for.

Fortunately(?), Reggie, who just happens to be hanging out near Eugene’s house, has an idea.

Reggie’s plan is to smear the gunk on the soles of their gym shoes. Okay, so they’re ripping off Son of Flubber.

Archie asks if this is cheating, and Eugene asks if it’s the misuse of science, but Reggie rationalizes both of their concerns away.

They hear people coming, so Eugene puts the gunk in a locker to keep it safe. Um, take it home with you, you dumbass!

They make a pact to keep this top secret.

Before a game, Archie and Reggie give a pep talk about “magic feet” that even their teammates find lame.

Veronica and Betty share a laugh over Jughead’s bouncing around while thinking nothing odd about it. They also bounce around themselves like it’s perfectly normal.

So Riverdale does really well while also breaking the rules of soccer and the laws of physics.

Not to worry, though: all authority figures are too jazzed up to care.

The team takes its success on the road.

They’ve even come up with a cheer: “We got the beat! We got the magic feet!” It makes the Walmart Cheer sound almost tolerable by comparison.

No, it doesn’t.

Archie and Eugene are tired.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you guys? We won the last three games! Yay, us!”

Archie says he thought winning would feel better.

At another game, Jughead’s listening to Michael Jackson and moonwalks into the soccer ball.

“Hold my burger, asshole. I gotta score a goal now.”

Do school principals and random teachers regularly accompany school sports teams on away games? I’m guessing no.

Riverdale continues to kick ass in the world of junior high school soccer.

After the commercial break, Archie’s helping out in the school garden for whatever reason. Ms. Grundy praises the team. She says they’re only one game away from the championship. I smell conflict.

Ms. Grundy realizes Archie’s planting his gloves and asks what’s wrong. Archie tries to speak of “someone” having a hypothetical moral dilemma, and Ms. Grundy suggests “someone” look into his heart.

Eugene comes by and catches the end of the conversation.

Later, Archie and Eugene are spreading the gunk on the soles of their shoes. Eugene asks Archie if he’s looked into his heart yet. Archie says yes and asks Eugene the same question. Eugene says he thought they could look later. Well, aren’t you a badass?

They’re startled by the rest of the team entering the locker room, but I guess they don’t get caught, because it moves on to the next scene.

During the game, Ethel kicks the ball to Moose, but she does it in such a way as to show off. Apparently, as we’re led to believe, the gunk allows the team to perform weird tricks, like bouncing the soccer ball off all of the players (while not hurting them in the slightest).

The stupid “magic feet” cheer has caught on.

Riverdale wins another game and is now in the championship game.

That night (I guess), at Archie’s house, Archie and Eugene look into their hearts. Archie calls up the newspaper to tell “the newspaper guy” (Reggie’s dad?) the truth. After Archie explains, he’s just laughed at. Archie shakes his head in sadness. Eugene tries to comfort him.

The next day (I guess), at Pop’s, Archie explains everything to the gang (minus Ethel, because she’s not a main character). Veronica is in disbelief.

To prove it, Archie gunks Jughead’s stupid hat. It bounces around for a bit and then lands right back on Jughead’s head, because of course it does. The gang is awestruck.

Archie says they’re going to the championship tomorrow. He brings up Biff. Wow, I’d forgotten about that asshole. Anyway, Archie asks if they should gunk or not.


Reggie protests. Archie gives a half-assed line about winning.

That’s all that it took, apparently.

The next night, at the championship game, the team is depressed.

Well, except for Jughead. He doesn’t give a shit.

So the team sucks without the gunk.

Biff makes fun of their “magic feet”.

Riverdale’s audience is disappointed.

So Riverdale continues sucking, and the Bongoes keep racking up points.

Veronica says they’re no good without gunk. Reggie says he knew they should have used it.

Archie tries to give a pep talk, saying they still have half of the game left to go, but the others won’t have it and tell him to shut the fuck up. Archie lies his ass off, claiming they played the last two games without gunk. He gets Eugene to go along with it.

This really shouldn’t fool anyone, but it does, because everyone on this show is a fucking idiot. They do the “magic feet” chant, even though they’re not wearing the gunk, because fuck this show.

Ms. Grundy and Mr. Weatherbee join in, somehow hearing the team from way up in the bleachers.

So the team suddenly plays unusually well. Jughead even jumps really high, as if he’s wearing the gunk, but he blends into the crowd, so I can’t really get a good screencap of it. The point is Riverdale suddenly rocks for no apparent reason except “morale”.

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in any soccer game, but it’s too late in the story for the adults to start enforcing the rules. Let’s just get this over with.

So the score’s tied 6-6. The coach informs them that they have 30 seconds to win or lose this game. Either way, they’re proud and all rooting for them.

The crowd keeps doing the “magic feet” chant.

The Bongoes, led by Biff, try to get past the “losers”.

Amani gets the ball and heads for the goal, uttering her first clear line of the episode.


Ms. Grundy loses her shit over the victory.

Why isn’t Amani on top? She scored the winning goal!

It’s nice that Betty hugs her, though.

Jughead asks Archie if they really did it without gunk. Does he mean the previous two games or this game? Because the visuals in the second half seem to indicate they’re gunked up (not that Archie would have been able to gunk them up without their realizing it). Archie just winks.

The team has its picture taken.

Then we get this odd ending where Ms. Grundy is looking at the (black-and-white) photo in an album and saying “And that was the year Riverdale won the championship…fair and square.” Why is this segment suddenly turned into a massive flashback? Who is Ms. Grundy telling this story to? And why is she fucking lying? Even if the team didn’t use gunk in the championship game (which I’m still not sure about), they still cheated to get there. So, no, Geraldine, Riverdale did not win the championship “fair and square”.

This segment was pretty bad. Everyone was an idiot. No one questioned the powers gained from the gunk. No adults enforced the rules. Just…let’s move on from this. There are only four segments left.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 21 – Incredible Shrinking Archie

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 21, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens at Pop’s. It’s Veronica’s birthday. Betty surprises her with a present. Veronica has a funny line: “Oh, Betty! You should have!”

I guess Betty figured, if Veronica hasn’t yet realized she needs more than one shirt, she should buy it for her.

Veronica has a whole “collection” of new clothes (which she will never wear), and she apparently has Smithers follow her around with it in case of additional gifts. Now that this rack is full, he will load it onto the truck with her other gifts.

Archie randomly announces he’s broke and can’t buy Ronnie anything. Um, you sure you wanna announce that within earshot, dude?

Jughead says he got Veronica “the ultimate gift”: a deluxe burger with a bow on top.

Reggie buys Veronica a big bottle of her favorite kind of perfume: expensive. I like how Alyson Court says “expensive”. It’s the little touches like this that make the difference.

Reggie puts Archie on the spot regarding his present. Archie tries to hype up his non-present but is forced to say he’ll give it to her “later” at her yacht party.

Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Archie’s having shit luck trying to make perfume for Veronica. At least, I think that’s what he’s making; he doesn’t specify.

Jughead feels weird.

Oh, shit, it looks like Archie accidentally invented…shrinking gas. Yeah, bullshit!

Archie says they gotta made a remedy. He and Jughead climb up the broom to the table.

Jughead gets easily distracted from their objective.

Archie finds a warning label (which he somehow didn’t notice before) on the shit that he was using. Bullshit! Also, the word “permanent” is left off the label, but Archie reads it anyway.

Jughead (way too easily) removes the label and reads the list of antidote ingredients: garlic, pepperoni, onions, anchovies, olives, ice cream, pickles, cheese, seltzer, and one peanut.

According to Archie’s watch, it’s 3:00 PM. Is it a school day? If so, when does school let out, and what time were they at Pop’s? If not, why was Archie let in and allowed to use school equipment to make perfume for Veronica?

Anyway, Jughead wants them to go to his house to make the antidote, but…

…a hitherto-unmentioned-and-unseen cat suddenly attacks!

How fucking lazy is Jughead that he lets his socks get this worn out? He says he knew he should have changed them, but what good would that do? It’s his shoes that came loose.

After some more antics with the cat, the guys slide down the broom (bullshit) and…run in place for a bit (what?), allowing the cat to jump down to the floor. Then they run away. What the hell was that about?

They fall into a rat hole and land beneath the school.

Oh, shit.

The spider catches them in its webbing, but…

…they somehow manage to tie it up.

Archie realizes they’re lost, but Jughead vows to get them out of here, or his “name isn’t Jughead Jones”. Um, it isn’t. It’s Forsythe Pendleton Jones III.

They wander around for a bit.

Oh, shit!

The guys are cornered, so…

Yeah, that’ll work.

Actually, it does, because the rat runs into a wall and then just…gives up.

Archie uses the “cape” to cover just one of the rat’s eyes.

Due to shitty continuity, both eyes are covered in the next shot.

Anyway, the plan is to hop on the rat while it’s blinded, so they can get a free ride. I mean it’s not like the rat can feel them climbing onto it or anything.

The rat throws them through another rat hole, sending them outside. Well, isn’t that convenient?

Archie and Jughead do a little dance, Archie doing his best Tony Manero impression, and then they head for Jughead’s house to make the antidote. Not sure how they plan to get there in less than two hours. Wouldn’t it be better to head for any restaurant or house and ask for help?

They climb the fence and make it to the sidewalk, where they have to avoid some running kids. Then they see…

Jughead and Archie take cover in someone’s pants. Archie calls out to Veronica and Betty, but they don’t hear him.

Betty asks Reggie where Archie and Jughead are. He guesses getting into hot water.

Nope, cold water.

Fortunately, a paper cup passes by and become their “life boat”.

Jughead notes this “river” flows past Archie’s house, and they can jump off there.

Except they fall through a drain, go briefly through the sewer, and come out again who knows where. Oops.

Jughead notes they have only twenty minutes left to get big again. Wow, they must have spent a lot of time wandering around under the school.

Archie spots Veronica’s yacht (although it isn’t identified as such yet) and paddles toward it.

My copy of this segment then goes black for 7 frames. I don’t think it’s a commercial break.

Anyway, they climb on board, and Jughead calls to the gang for help.

Of course, they don’t hear him.

Archie and Jughead push open an unmarked door and end up in the kitchen. Maybe one or both of them knew where it was?

Archie tells Jughead to hand him the stuff on the list, and he’ll dump it into the blender. Jughead way-too-easily gets all of the ingredients (which are right there) except the one peanut that they need to add before the seltzer.

Suddenly, they overhear Veronica accusing Reggie of hogging the peanuts and Reggie swearing innocence. Archie and Jughead rush outside. Reggie insults Archie.

Archie decides to get back at him.

Reggie takes Veronica by the hand and suggests they take a stroll, but…

Ouch. That cake was lit.

Archie instructs Jughead to fix Reggie’s shoelaces (why?), says he’ll meet him back here, and runs off.

Veronica tells Reggie that he’s so clumsy as she offers him a handkerchief. Wow, she’s taking the destruction of her birthday cake uncharacteristically well. If this was the comics, she would have beaten the shit out of him.

Archie fulfills his fantasy of getting Reggie’s pants off. Reggie vows to sue his tailor.

Veronica and Betty have a laugh at his expense.

Archie and Jughead get in Reggie’s pocket. Reggie fixes his clothes and stands up. Veronica wants to dance.

Archie and Jughead get their hands on Reggie’s peanut – and destroy his jacket pocket at the same time. Veronica tells Reggie to get a new “sweater”. How can Veronica Lodge not know the difference between a sweater and a jacket?

Then a dog chases Archie and Jughead, and the guys have to toss Reggie’s peanut back and forth (for some reason) while running to the kitchen. Archie checks his watch and says they have two minutes.

The dog runs into Smithers (who seems to address it by name, but I can’t understand it), knocking him over.

The dog gives the guys a lift.

After they get the peanut into the bowl, Archie adds the seltzer.

Jughead, for some fucking reason, feels the need to karate-kick the Start button (which, contrary to common sense, is not the green one).

Thirty seconds after Archie says they have two minutes, it seems time’s up.

Naturally, this combination of ordinary ingredients creates a stinky green gas.

A dejected Jughead kicks the Stop button (the green one, obviously).

Jughead and Archie share a tender moment after they return to normal size (that clock was obviously fast).

Their friends come in. Veronica is surprised to see them.

There’s a bit of banter. Then Reggie points out that Archie didn’t get Veronica a present.

Archie fucks around for a bit and then gives Veronica a cup of the antidote, declaring it to be “a one-of-a-kind perfume” made just for her. What an asshole.

Veronica sniffs it and declares the “perfume” smells delicious (even though it had smelled horrible to the guys earlier), not seeing through Archie’s bullshit. She dabs some on herself.

Jughead steals it from her (asshole) and adds it to a salad. Wait, wait, wait, since when does Jughead eat salad?

Anyway, the dog licks the remnants out of the cup.

Jughead declares the “perfume” tastes great.

His friends yuck it up, because…that’s funny? Anyway, what’s up with Reggie? It looks like he doesn’t know what to make of Jughead eating “perfume”. Oh, well, the story’s over.

This segment was okay. Typical cartoon sci-fi plot. Realistically, due to all of the poor decisions that Archie and Jughead made, they never would have beaten the two-hour deadline, but this is The New Archies, where two hours pass in seven minutes, and all is well.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 20 – Change of Minds

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:19

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

The segment opens with Eugene, in his basement lab, trying to convince his terrified dog, Sparky, to participate in an experiment. I guess Eugene subscribes to the Emmett Brown School of Science.

“This is fucked up, yo.”

Eugene wants to test his IQ enhancer on Sparky – with the goal of turning everyone in the world into a genius (except even Eugene admits there’s no hope for Moose).

Unfortunately, Eugene’s bird, Chewy, flies in and fucks everything up.

Eugene stops the machine – by pressing all three buttons, which leads me to believe he was just guessing.

Eugene guesses his machine’s a failure.

The doorbell rings, and Eugene bolts upstairs. What’s up with that penguin?

Anyway, after Eugene leaves, Sparky and Chewy seemingly pass out and then spaz out and spin around the room as cartoony tornadoes, because of course they fucking do.

Then they start acting like each other – with Sparky making bird calls and Chewy barking, because they can totally do that in each other’s bodies. Yeah, it seems Eugene has inadvertently invented a brain-swapping device.

No, no NO! This is impossible!

Animation error: the outline of the bone cuts across Chewy’s beak.

Anyway, Archie, Jughead, and Moose have come by. Jughead licks his ice cream and declares they don’t build these things like they used to. Eugene’s like “What the fuck?” I guess the “joke” is the fact that the ice cream used to fall over in the good old days, but it stays upright now. Whatever. Archie asks Eugene if he’s ready for the knowledge bowl. Eugene’s pumped and ready to “beat those creeps from [unintelligible] Heights”.

The pets come by. Chewy-in-Sparky steals Jughead’s ice cream. During more of these antics, Eugene figures out what happened. Trying to grab the pets to put them back in machine and reverse the procedure leads to this:


Some (much shorter) cartoony tornado nonsense occurs. Moose, in Eugene’s body, lifts the IQ enhancer, claiming he’s never felt stronger. Bullshit! Eugene warns him against dropping it.

Who didn’t see that coming? Okay, I admit I didn’t see the explosion coming. What kind of volatile materials is the machine made out of?

After a bit of antics, Archie guesses maybe they can figure out something at school. Um, what could they possibly do at school that they couldn’t do in Eugene’s lab?

In history class, “Moose” correctly answers a question, the tenth in a row. Ms. Grundy praises him.

“Awww, stop it.”

Moose, for whatever fucking reason, is balancing a fish bowl on his head. Betty’s staring at him like “What the fuck?”

He spills the water all over himself, no doubt killing the fish. Betty and the other students find his dumbassery hilarious.

Ms. Grundy’s like “What the fuck?” Oh, and Goldie the goldfish survived and is now happily swimming in a magically refilled fish bowl. Also, we learn Eugene wears a white shirt with a pocket under his sweater.

Ms. Grundy doesn’t know what’s going on. Eugene is like “You wouldn’t believe this shit. Have an apple.” Ms. Grundy is shocked for some reason and makes bizarre motions.

Then Moose…phases through Eugene, grabs the apple, and eats it.

The bell rings. Archie tells the guys that they gotta practice for “the big game”.

But Jughead’s gonna practice eating.

LAME CARTOON PHYSICS ALERT: kids lightly brushing against Ms. Grundy on their way out the door makes her spin around really fast.

At football practice, “Eugene” begs the coach to let him play, but the coach ain’t havin’ it and points him to the bench.

Apparently, Riverdale Junior High School is one game away from being “city champs”. Um, who, exactly, are they playing against? Don’t tell me that Riverdale has another junior high school, complete with another football program. Maybe a private school?

Losing will, from what the coach says, cost him his job. No pressure.

Practice doesn’t go well for “Moose”.

Eventually, “Eugene” takes the ball and throws it away in frustration.

He manages to knock over his friends with the ball, despite being in a weakling’s body.

The coach brings a football over to “Eugene” and asks him to kick. Of course, he does amazing, because this story has no concept of what being in a radically different body would do to a person.

Bullshit! Also, what the fuck is that thing in the background? A spaceship?

Back at Eugene’s house, Sparky-in-Chewy has some fun scaring Eugene’s cat.

More antics. The penguin appears to be a statue. At least, I hope it is.

This goes on way too long. Eventually, they do a quick tornado spin and seemingly switch minds again. Chewy flies back up to the perch.

In the auditorium, they’re down to the last question in the “annual Knowledge Bowl”. Riverdale is being beaten 49-0. Ms. Grundy spins the wheel for the 50-point bonus question. Well, isn’t that convenient? Be lucky enough to answer one question correctly and win the whole fucking match.

“Eugene” buzzes in prematurely, and Ms. Grundy’s like “What you on, dumbass?”

Even Archie and Amani are pissed at him. Apparently, Moose has been buzzing in and answering every question wrong.

“Eugene” gets up and storms off, and…what the fuck? Riverdale Elementary School?! Elementary?! Granted, up to this point, the show had never specified the name of the school, and it still hasn’t specified the precise grade and age of the students. I just assumed it was junior high based on the cheerleaders and sports teams and Archie’s letter jacket. I was in elementary school at that time, and we didn’t have that – not until middle school. If we played sports at all in elementary school, it was for gym class. That’s it. I guess being in elementary school does fit in with the kids having only one teacher, but it seems the writers didn’t want it to be quite as limiting as elementary school, so they threw in the other stuff.

By the way, in elementary school, we didn’t have inter-school competitions. In fourth grade, we had a spelling bee against another classroom, and that was as epic as it got. It came down to me and a girl from the other class. The word was “remainder”. I won and was treated like royalty for the rest of the day, getting high fives and free Now and Laters from my classmates. Good times.

Anyway, “Eugene” tries to spin the question wheel and breaks it. Bullshit.


Is the story over yet?

Anyway, “Eugene” somehow redirects the wheel, taking it outside and across the street.

Back inside, “Moose” sits down, citing a rule that says he can substitute for Eugene.

Veronica’s like “What the fuck?” Reggie’s amused. Jughead doesn’t give a shit.

Jughead burns Reggie good. Well, good by elementary standards, anyway.

The nerds on the opposing team are confident. Yeah, their school has a name; it ends with Heights, but I can’t understand the first word.

Ms. Grundy asks the final question: What’s the tallest mountain in the world?

“Moose” correctly answers Mount Everest (after initially making a joke).

Ms. Grundy’s excited that her dumbass team managed to answer one question correctly.

The audience is excited. The team celebrates.

Mr. Weatherbee’s about to present them with the trophy, but “Eugene” brings the wheel back to the school for some fucking reason.

The wheel flattens the trophy. Bullshit!

Mr. Weatherbee presents it to the team, anyway, and “Moose” folds it up and…puts it in his shirt. Okay. Oddly, the scene fades to black for a commercial break right then.

After the commercial break, we’re at the big game. Like all elementary school football teams, they get to play in a stadium.

The announcer sucks at his job, claiming Riverdale is trailing twenty to nothing right before we see this:

Also, why would the other team be named by mascot while Riverdale isn’t?

The coach is frustrated, because “Moose” got the ball and is running the wrong way. Jughead complains Pop forgot the ketchup on his hamburger.

So, from what I can tell, “Moose” makes a touchdown, but the announcer claims he dropped the ball after running 95 yards to his own end zone, resulting in the score…staying exactly as it was when we last saw the scoreboard, but the announcer actually says what’s on the scoreboard this time, so I think the show’s trying to make us believe a “failed” touchdown in your own end zone gets the opposing team six points. Fuck this show.

Eugene wants his body back. The coach throws his ass out of the game and substitutes “Eugene”.

Of course, “Eugene” does great, because he’s got the build of a player. Oh, wait, no, he doesn’t.

Despite Riverdale still being six points behind, the coach claims one more touchdown will make them the winners.

Unfortunately, Moose and Eugene tornado-spin at that moment, switching bodies. Well, isn’t that convenient?

The coach has been oblivious to all of this mind-swapping bullshit, so he pushes Eugene into the game.

Eugene actually intercepts the ball from Archie but then freaks out and runs the wrong way, away from the opposing team. The announcer tries to claim this is what happened last time, but, as you recall, he said Moose ran to his own end zone, not the wrong way.

Who didn’t see that coming?

Moose begs the coach to let him play with just a minute left. The coach agrees, reminding Moose that his job is on the line.

Moose gets the ball and makes a run for the end zone (the right one). The crowd goes wild.

Betty and Veronica cheer him on, as elementary school students are known to do.

The coach excitedly hugs Jughead. Jughead loves his anchovy burger, which he’s never had before.

Moose’s (unseen) touchdown earns Riverdale seven points, so they win the game 27-26 at the last second.

In their excitement, some of Moose’s teammates sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and try to lift him up.

It goes as you’d expect.

Some time later, at Eugene’s house, Archie and Jughead walk into his “totally rad” new invention. Eugene says he’s still ironing out a few bugs and forcefully tells them to not touch anything.

Of course, Jughead, dumbass that he is, butt-presses a button, gassing them and turning them into chickens.



This segment was outlandish but also pretty dull at the same time. There are a lot of antics and misunderstandings resulting from the mind-swapping. The overall message seems to be “Eugene and Moose are good at their own shit only, no matter the body.” I guess there’s some kind of message of “Everyone has their own gifts; don’t try to be someone else, just be yourself”, but this doesn’t really appear in the story, because, when they weren’t just going along with what they were told to do, Eugene and Moose were trying to be themselves. Whatever. Just remember one important thing from this story: Eugene and Moose must have held each other’s dicks while using the restroom.

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 19 – Loose Lips Stops Slips

Writers: Eleanor Burian-Mohr & Jack Hanrahan
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is so late.

What the hell is up with the weird episode titles in this series?

The segment opens with Ms. Grundy announcing a statue-raising this Saturday.

Riverdale Junior High School has decided to award a smaller statue of the town’s founder. This news unrealistically gets some excitement out of some of the students. It will go to a student that proves to be an outstanding citizen.

While Ms. Grundy’s talking, Archie’s playing with a rope. Ms. Grundy has to fight for his attention.

Ms. Grundy, as always, expects someone from her class to win. She then goes back to teaching long division with remainders, something that I’d expect in an elementary school, not a junior high school.

Meanwhile, Jughead’s playing a (color) Pac-Man rip-off watch game. He then takes out some uncharacteristically healthy food (an apple and a banana) to eat. He turns around to ask Archie what he’s doing. Archie’s practicing knots for his Raccoon Ranger merit badge. He wants Jughead to cover for him, and Jughead agrees. This two aren’t exactly being quiet. It’s not like the class in general is being loud. Even Ms. Grundy isn’t talking. Why isn’t she calling them out on their shit?

The recess bell rings, and Archie just fucking gets up and leaves without permission from Ms. Grundy. Not only that, but…

Yeah, it’s as stupid as it looks. Jughead laments the loss of his (uncharacteristically healthy) snacks.

After school, Betty says she’ll talk with her folks and meet Veronica and Amani at the old-age home. Amani and Veronica basically admit they’re doing this to get the (one) statue (which goes to only one person), but, really, why would they fucking care about this? Anyway, Veronica shoves her way past some people to do some “good deeds”. Ha.

Reggie chews out a delivery person for being late.

He angrily vows to tell his father about this treatment.

Moose doesn’t know what he’s gonna do for a good deed yet. He opens the door for Reggie and offers to help him with the newspapers, but Reggie is paranoid about Moose stealing his good deed.

Moose then offers to help Eugene with his books.

Reggie is passing out free newspapers to all of the teachers – after school. I’m pretty sure that someone usually buys a newspaper and puts it in the faculty lounge at the beginning of the day to read. Anyway, Ms. Grundy cuts some coupons out of the newspaper and says kissing up doesn’t count as a good deed. Reggie’s disappointed and starts to leave, but Ms. Grundy wants Mr. Weatherbee’s shopping section. Reggie has an “Aha!” moment. Um, that doesn’t mean you’ve succeeded, dumbass.

Archie comes across the coach changing a flat tire on his truck and offers to help, but the coach declines (probably for legal reasons). The coach named his truck Ol’ Betsy, which has historically been the name of Archie’s car in the comics.

Archie insists on helping, anyway, after the coach expresses a concern about the jack holding. Helping, for Archie, means tying a slipknot around the other side of the truck and then tying the other end of the rope around a tree. Archie gives a tug, and…



“What the fuck did you do, asshole?!”

The coach chases his tire across the soccer field. The tire goes through a net, making a hole. Yeah, no, soccer nets are way more durable than that. But that’s not the main problem with this moment. Check this shit out:

The animation is so shitty that the hole doesn’t appear until a frame after the tire passes through the net.

After this debacle, the coach refuses Archie’s offer of the rope to help him out (yeah, seriously, Archie thinks the fucking rope is gonna help) and tells him to get the fuck away from him.

So Archie’s walking along, dejected, and he’s still carrying his stupid rope around.

He stops when he hears horrible “singing” coming out of the local old-folks home.

Of course, the girls would be behind this assault on peace and quiet.

We never actually see the old folks, but here’s something to consider: if time passed normally after the series ended, all of them would be dead by now.

Ethel is having fun and wants Archie to get in the spirit. She’s getting free noms in exchange for her good deeds, though, so she’s biased.

Moose lifts up the front of some dude’s car (which I guess got a little too close to the crosswalk), allowing two kids to cross the street. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the car drive past? The kids can wait. More importantly, though, why the fuck are two little kids crossing the street unsupervised?!

Anyway, Moose carelessly drops the car when he sees Archie and wishes he knew what to do for his good deed. So…that wasn’t it? Moose just randomly came across a car at the intersection, thought “It’s too close to the crosswalk”, and lifted it, so two slow-walking kids could pass by without having to go around it?

Archie basically answers this by saying “Moose is always doing good deeds.” Since when? That’s not exactly a character trait that Moose is known for.

Anyway, Archie considers moving to Bora Bora, because not being able to do a good deed to win a stupid statue means he can never show his face in Riverdale again.

Admittedly, this is a nice shot.

Anyway, the next morning (I guess), Archie decides to start his “good deed-doing” early, believing everybody will love him.

He’s too busy playing with his stupid rope that he knocks over a trash can.

This simultaneously wakes up all of the neighbors, who promptly turn on their lights and complain…

…and throw shoes at Archie, creating more noise.

As Archie picks up the trash can, he knocks the other one over, and it rolls down the street. Still, Archie says he can’t give up.

For fuck’s sake, dude, just run after it. You’re not gonna catch a rolling trash can with a lasso.


Later, Archie’s walking along, dejected, and gets into Ms. Grundy’s flower garden and begs her for to help out of desperation.

He pulls “weeds”, actually flowers, and he was kneeling on other flowers, so she removes him.

He offers to water her garden, but she wants to do it herself. He offers to untangle the hose, and…




For fuck’s sake…

Ms. Grundy is pissed and goes to change clothes before class. Archie’s all excited about how the water made his knots tighten and shrink up, but she doesn’t give a shit.

Archie decides he was right the first time: he is gonna move to Pago Pago. Um, I think the writers made an error.

Later, Archie shows up to class and tells Ms. Grundy that he put the hose away. She thanks him and says they were just reviewing the class’ good deeds.

This is Eugene’s “lovely display explaining the universe”. Yeah, no, it’s bullshit. Even Ms. Grundy sees it, because she wants Eugene to actually give an explanation and gets this in response:

Reggie’s flowers, bought with the family’s credit card, bomb as well.

Betty planted seedlings for the garden, which was last seen floating down Main Street. The class yucks it up. What happened to volunteering at the old-folks home?

Anyway, the class laughing makes Archie feel embarrassed for some reason.

Veronica points out the clean chalk board. I notice Smithers has been dyeing his hair.

Jughead again uncharacteristically takes out an apple to eat, and Ms. Grundy confiscates it, claiming it’s for her. The class yucks it up.

Ms. Grundy, ostensibly addressing the entire class, tells Archie to not lose heart.

The video that I have cuts to black for 8 frames. I don’t think a commercial break was meant to go here, and the running time isn’t any shorter than usual, so I think all that’s missing is a scene transition of some sort.

After school, some of the gang are hanging out at Pop’s. Veronica thanks Eugene for helping with her homework.

She then sarcastically thanks Jughead for finishing her lunch.

Reggie arrives and says they’re having a banana split on him.

Archie’s beat him to it, though. This earns Archie cheers from his friends, but then…

…Archie trips over his stupid rope, which he’s still carrying around with him for whatever fucking reason, and gets banana split over everyone (except, it seems, for Eugene, who disappears for the rest of the scene). Veronica freaks out about her dress despite not wearing one.

Archie guesses Reggie was right (the split is on him).

Reggie looks like he wants to kill Archie (and I don’t blame him).

Later, at Archie’s house, he’s still obsessing over his stupid rope.

Betty asks him to come over and help her, Veronica, and Amani…sweep the lawn, but he says he’d only jinx them.

Ethel, who’s washing someone’s car, gets in a burn. Archie doesn’t care.

Moose rescues a girl’s cat from a tree and is unaware he’s been doing good deeds. Ha.

Archie says he’s gonna move to Walla Walla. I guess Archie constantly changing where he’s gonna move to is the running “joke” in this segment.

Reggie is delivering newspapers (after school?) for someone named Winston, who has the chicken pox. Reggie believes the statue is his. Archie tries to lasso the newspaper out of the roses (where Reggie had thrown it), but…

Archie says Walla Walla’s too close, and he’s moving to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. This running “joke” isn’t funny. Did the writers just want to name a bunch of cities?

Later, Betty and Jughead show up at Archie’s to notify him of the statue-raising. Archie’s convinced he’ll jinx it.

Betty ain’t puttin’ up with that shit.

She mentions they haven’t seen him since those shopping carts got away from him on Baxter Hill. Say what? Did the segment just skip over a bunch of time?

At the school, a crowd has gathered to witness the statue-raising.

Mr. Weatherbee is testing the microphone and gets some feedback. He reacts sensibly like this:

Dude, chill.

He talks about the difficulties of raising the statue of their “beloved” founder, Horace Riverdale. Some random people in the crowd gasp when the statue is almost dropped. Mr. Weatherbee asks for the crowd’s complete silence. The guy raising the statue basically yells at them to shut the fuck up.

He then declares the rope’s gonna give and runs the fuck away.

Archie wants to hose down the rope. Mr. Weatherbee protests, but one of the workers says he’s right.

Archie manages to hose down a lot of people before getting to the statue. Ms. Grundy yells, because…this is most unorthodox?

The audience is in awe as the statue is successfully raised.

Ms. Grundy’s had a hell of a difficult time trying to decide who’s worthy of the stupid little statue.

The kids are excited to learn who it will be. Only Goddess knows why.

Guess where this is going.

Okay, a slight twist. The crowd yucks it up.

Anyway, Archibald Andrews is the winner. Yay. Jughead and Betty escort him to the stage.

Of course, it can’t go off without a hitch.

“Woe is me. *sigh*”

This segment was pretty dull. The bits with the rope were barely made relevant in the end. The statue was something that few (if any) actual kids would care about winning. Why would this suddenly be a competition, anyway, instead of being awarded to whichever student has shown to be a good citizen over, say, the current school year? Why wasn’t Mayor Melvin at the ceremony? Lastly, what the fucking fuck was up with the episode’s title? It has absolutely nothing to do with the story!

Tune in next Wednesday!

The New Archies, Segment 18 – The Prince of Riverdale

Writer: Dennis O’Flaherty
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 7, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with some stuffy dudes in a limo.

A prince asks for the name of the town, and this stuffy dude (who sounds kind of like a woman) says it’s Riverdale. The prince will be speaking here this afternoon.

Whoa, the prince looks just like Archie. I can already tell where this story is heading.

The prince would like to live in a quiet little place like this, but Stuffy Dude says the kingdom of Rutitalia (I think that’s what he says) has many of those – and much more “cultured” than this “dump”.

Betty and Veronica run by, doing a cheer on the sidewalk (why?), and the prince instantly gets a boner.

We learn the prince’s name is Efelbert (I think). Learning what he’s learned of Riverdale’s hot girls, he wishes he never had this vacation. Stuffy Dude says it’s the custom; when they return to their kingdom, the prince must “become king” and marry Princess Bertha. Um, princes usually ascend to the throne after their fathers (the kings) die. What the hell kind of monarchy does this kingdom have?

The prince demands the car be stopped.

He gets out of the car and asks the stuffy dude, Colonel Brutz (I think), if he’s still on vacation. He says the prince has to give a speech this afternoon. The prince declares he’s on vacation until then and leaves. The colonel laments the fact that his kingdom doesn’t have a president.

At Riverdale Junior High School, Archie practices basketball while some synthtastic musical score plays. Archie imagines a sports announcer praising his moves and calling “Big Red Andrews” better than Magic Johnson and Wilt Chamberlain. Damn, what an ego.

The prince has stopped by to watch and applauds Archie.

Archie asks the prince if he’s seen him somewhere before. The prince tells the “ol’ boy” that he seems “a bit familiar”. What a couple of dumbasses.

Archie introduces himself. The prince introduces himself as (and I know I’m probably wrong) Efelbert von Bineschmeck. He allows Archie to call him Bertie. Archie recognizes him as being with “that foreign group” that’s playing at the civic auditorium. He praises the prince’s costume. The prince corrects him and says he’s about to become king. Now, Archie realizes who he is. The prince not-so-subtlely says he’d trade places with Archie in a minute. Archie is in disbelief, because there’s a “giant” math test tomorrow.

Archie gets out a coloring utensil and draws freckles on the prince. So I guess he’s acknowledging they look almost identical. Still no direct mention of it, though.

Likewise, the prince covers up Archie’s freckles with…flesh-colored paint?

They check themselves out.

They agree to switch places “in the name of international friendship”. They go to the locker room to change clothes.

Archie shows up at the limo in disguise, jumping and whistling. He also struggles to remember the colonel’s name. He’s not off to a good start in fooling anyone. The colonel thinks America has had a bad effect on the prince. Archie waves it off and goes off with them to do “important things”.

After the commercial break, the “prince” is trying to pressure Mr. Weatherbee into declaring an “amnesty from school”. Mr. Weatherbee doubts the legality of it. Students start chanting the prince’s name outside. The colonel mentions they’ve been to three amusement parks and one roller rink. All in one day?!

Archie has Bernie (I think), the limo driver, wheel over a shit-ton of hamburgers.

Archie fulfills a life-long dream of throwing free hamburgers to a crowd of cheering students, none of which make any attempt to catch them.

Mr. Weatherbee believes he’s seen the “prince” here before. It’s Archie, you dumbass! He doesn’t even have the prince’s faux British accent!

After school, Reggie and Jughead are enjoying their free burgers outside Pop’s (I wonder what Pop thinks of that). They have positive opinions of the prince. Reggie does have one “problem” with him, though: he looks a lot like Archie. Omigoddess, these fucking morons.

Anyway, Jughead notices “Archie” and how he keeps looking around – as if seeing this place for the first time. Hmmm, how’d he make it through the school day?

The prince, not even attempting to hide his accent, greets “Jarface” and “Veggie”.

Reggie’s about to fuck the prince up for that.