Comics – Kiss of the Century

Writer: Holly G! (Holly Golightly)*
Pencils: Holly G!*
Inking: John Lowe*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 28
Cover Date: January, 2000
Length: 6 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Cheryl is lying on her (crowded) bed. Sugar is lying there, too, wearing a Blossom pendant. A teen magazine, CDs, a remote, a date book, a stuffed kitten (with blossoms), and a stuffed teddy bear are also there. Cheryl calls up Archie. Her phone has cute, fuzzy, pink thing surrounding it, but what struck me is Cheryl has a rotary phone. In 1999. Anyway, Archie gets a boner when he realizes it’s Cheryl. Cheryl wonders what he’s doing for New Year’s Eve. Archie says Riverdale has a big party planned in the town square. The whole town will gather in front of the big clock and count down “the end of the millennium”. Yeah, that was a thing back then. People were too stupid to realize the new millennium didn’t actually begin until 2001. Hell, ABC News devoted round-the-clock coverage to celebrations worldwide as the New Year occurred in each time zone. And I taped all of it.

Anyway, as Sugar reaches to play with her, Cheryl says that “sounds so cool” and then asks which “lucky girl” will have his first kiss of the year 2000. Having an orgasm, Archie says she will. Cheryl’s delighted. After Archie hangs up, he nervously asks what he’s done. He promised a “Y2K kiss” to Betty, Veronica, and Cheryl. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Why the fuckity fuck do the Andrews have a framed picture of a clown in their house?

Moving on, Mary calls Archie into the kitchen for lunch. Oh, look: a Josie cameo in the form of an album cover. Cool. Anyway, as Archie eats lunch, he thinks the “first kiss of the 21st century” should go to the most important woman of the century. Mary made a “special dessert” for Archie: lemon cake. Archie thanks her and praises the cake. Archie suddenly knows what he should do and rushes off. Mary thinks Archie’s gotta take a piss or shit. Her hair seems longer in this panel.

Over the next however many days, Archie catches up with Reggie, Dilton, and Jason and tells them what Ronnie, Cheryl, and Betty, respectively, supposedly want them to do.

On December 31, 1999, at 11:59 PM, in Riverdale Town Square, seemingly the entire town has gathered. Did you know there’s a big clock tower next to Pop’s? Well, there is. In this one story, anyway.

Cheryl, Betty, and Veronica are trying to make their way through the crowd and find Archie. Cheryl had no idea that there were so many people in Riverdale. Shit, in my podunk, unincorporated town, according to the 2000 census, there were 2,294 people (or 12,458 people in the similarly-named adjacent unincorporated town; Wikipedia’s declaration of which town that I actually live in doesn’t seem to match the local, ground-level facts). My point is, this town had enough fucking people in it that, if it had a town square with a huge clock tower (and enough people that gave a shit), it could have had a huge crowd to welcome the year 2000. As it is, I’m guessing most people did local watch parties, got drunk, and celebrated with fireworks and/or gunfire.

Anyway, all three girls spot Archie with his parents at the exact same time and struggle to make their way to him as the countdown begins. They finally come up behind him, but then Betty is intercepted by Jason, and Veronica is intercepted by Reggie.

Cheryl closes her eyes, puckers up, and asks Archie if he’s ready for his kiss. However, at the stroke of midnight, Dilton rushes in, hugs Cheryl, wishes her a Happy New Year, and kisses her full on the lips.

As the confetti falls, and the three girls look on in surprise, Archie wishes his mom a Happy New Year and kisses her on the cheek. Mary wishes him a Happy New Year. The final blurb reads “Happy 2000, Everyone!!” The usual “End” note reads “End of 1999”. Cute.

This story is nice. Archie’s gonna be in deep shit with the girls, of course. But at least the girls got New Year’s smooches from some secondary love interests.

See you next year!

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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