Comics – Seymour No More!

Writer: Bill Golliher
Pencils: Bill Golliher
Inking: Jon D’Agnostino
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Editor: Scott Fulop
Managing Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom Special, No. 1
Cover Date: 1995
Length: 16 pages (including 5 pages of reprints)

*These are uncredited. I assume they’re the same as in the first story in this issue.

Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.

Veronica and Betty are walking along downtown. There’s some snow or water on the ground, and the girls seem dressed for winter. A pay phone rings. Veronica asks if they should get it. Betty says it “could be interesting”. Did teens behave like this back in the day, answering random pay phone calls just for shits and giggles? Anyway, Ronnie answers, and a knock-off of an MTV VJ tells her that they can win tickets to a sold-out Counting Canaries concert tonight. Betty excitedly asks Ronnie what they have to do.

Ronnie says there’s a new car and a bunch of eggs across the street. Betty sees them. As they run across the street, Ronnie explains they have one minute to pelt the car with all of the eggs while they videotape them with a hidden camera. Betty is down with doing the “wacky stunt” if it’ll win them tickets. *facepalms* How fucking stupid are these girls?! For all that they know, it could be a prankster on the phone. Anyway, the dumbasses pelt the car, Ronnie somehow keeping track of the time without a watch. Mr. Weatherbee comes by, enraged, and is like “What the fuck are you bitches doing to my new car?!” A voice behind them comments on how Betty and Veronica have “turned delinquent”. Veronica recognizes it as the voice from the phone and turns around.

It’s Cheryl, who had been calling from another, nearby pay phone. Somehow, Veronica and Betty hadn’t seen her earlier. Mr. Weatherbee tells Veronica and Betty to get in the car; they’re going to the car wash. I guess he expects them to just pay for the wash. Shouldn’t he call their parents first? Anyway, Ronnie tries to explain, but Weatherbee saw what he saw, and that’s that. Cheryl comments about “kids today”.

Afterward, as Betty and Veronica leave the car wash, Betty comments about the “awful prank”. Ronnie says Cheryl’s “gone too far”. Bitch, you couldn’t recognize Cheryl’s voice over the phone (which you and your airhead friend thought would be a good idea to answer), and both you and your airhead friend decided to do what this stranger on the phone told you to do. You have no one to blame but yourselves. Cheryl drives past and splashes them; she apologizes and claims she didn’t notice them. Betty and Ronnie are pissed. Ronnie wants to get back at Cheryl. Betty says Cheryl just wants to make them more miserable, and Ronnie says Cheryl, not having anything that they don’t, “just operates more effectively”. Betty reminds Veronica of an earlier incident. Ronnie confirms both the earlier incident and the current one occurred in winter.

Okay, hang on. Let’s talk continuity. It seemed to be fall in the previous story, and it was ski season before that. Cheryl arrived in a non-winter month. The upcoming flashback took place in winter. Just which grades are the characters supposed to be in in all of these stories?

The next five pages are a reprint of the 1980s story, “Hot Stuff“, presented as a flashback from Veronica’s perspective (perhaps with some input from Betty).

In the time that it took to have that flashback, Cheryl had gone into Pop’s (I guess) and is now being all lovey-dovey with Archie. Veronica decides to do a little research to find Cheryl’s weakness while she’s home cleaning up. Betty wishes her good luck. They part ways.

The next day, Betty’s hanging out at Pop’s. Ronnie comes in and says she’s found Cheryl’s soft spot. Reggie claims to have found a few, too. Ronnie sits down and shows Betty a copy of Raytown Reveler, the yearbook from Cheryl’s old school from before Pembrooke Academy. How the fuck did she find that? Anyway, Betty finds Cheryl in a photo of the student council and asks who the “weirdo” beside her is. Why she chose to ask about this random guy, I have no idea, but plot, so let’s move along. Ronnie points out that he’s in the homecoming pictures with Cheryl, too.

Apparently, he’s right at her side in every picture that she’s in (except, I assume, the solo picture that every student has taken for the yearbook). Betty guesses they were an item and finds this note on the dedication page: “To Seymour, I’ll always love you, always! Cheryl!” Ronnie is surprised. During their conversation, we see outside Pop’s for a bit, where a lovestruck Dilton is following Cheryl around. Anyway, Betty asks Ronnie what Cheryl saw in Seymour. Ronnie doesn’t know but suggests finding out if he feels the same. Betty hopes Seymour can take Cheryl away from them. Oh, that yearbook is from 1993, which means all of the 1980s stories, “Love Showdown”, “Love & War”, and “Coming Distractions” happened within the last two years at most.

The next day, Veronica and Betty pick up Seymour at the Riverdale train station. Ronnie had asked him to come and surprise Cheryl, because that’s a perfectly normal thing to do, and he did it, because that’s also normal. Did she at least pay for his ticket and offer to put him up in a hotel? Anyway, Seymour now remembers who she is and asks how “Red” is.

They take him to her right now; she’s at Pop’s with her “all-male entourage” (according to Betty). At Pop’s, Moose is hoping for a date with Cheryl (fucking hypocrite), and Reggie and Archie are reminding Cheryl of their upcoming dates. Dilton gets to sit with Cheryl at her table, and he still has a raging boner for her. Seymour barges in (followed by a happy Veronica) and claims “Red” as if she’s his private property. Cheryl is shocked to see him and asks what he’s doing here. He explains. Seymour asks if she’s forgotten him. She says no but guesses they started to drift, due to the distance. Oh, Cheryl has really stupid pet names for Seymour: Snookie-Wookie and Flopsy Bunny. She hugs him, apologizes, and begs his forgiveness. Cheryl, sweetie, don’t do that; you’re not at fault. Anyway, Reggie’s angry.

Seymour takes Cheryl away. Even Moose finds this all “very strange”. Archie, without a hint of irony, asks what Cheryl sees in “that little goof”. Betty and Veronica give each other five, pleased with themselves. Betty’s convinced Cheryl will be moving back to Seymour’s town. Ronnie suggests they go back to her place and celebrate their “victory” in style.

For Ronnie, this means eating dinner (with no utensils) in the family vault, so they can smell the money. It’s not a big deal to Betty. Their totally-not-gay candlelit-dinner woman-date is interrupted by Seymour, who barges in. Who the fuck let him in? Anyway, he ditched Cheryl, because he’s convinced himself that Ronnie has a raging lady-boner for him.

Seymour grabs Ronnie. Cheryl barges in. Who the fuck let her in? Anyway, she figured the “man-stealer” would try to lure him away. Veronica says they’re both nuts. Seymour wants the two of them to fight it out for his amusement. Cheryl’s all for it, but Ronnie doesn’t want to fight. However, that changes after Cheryl knocks over “her” mint pile of $100 bills. Seymour has a boner and encourages them to fight.

Betty’s pissed at him, and then he hits on her as well. She tells him to fuck off. Oh, yeah, the fight. There’s a lot of Ronnie pulling Cheryl’s hair. Also, Cheryl mounts Ronnie twice, the second time of which they’re literally ass to ass. Oh, yeah, we learn Cheryl loves Seymour only because he kept telling her that she does. Ronnie says that’s ridiculous, but Cheryl says he has a “weird power”. Seymour hits on Betty again.

So Betty delivers a swift uppercut, knocking off his glasses and giving him a black eye. Seymour’s like “Fuck this shit” and leaves. Cheryl calls for him to come back. Ronnie advises Cheryl to let him go, even though he’s “the only man that matters to [her]”. Ronnie reminds her of the dead guys printed on money, bringing Cheryl to tears. The two of them sit in the pile of money and start kicking it around. Betty sits down at the table, glad that she’s not rich. Oh, and at least one $100 bill gets burned in the candle flame.

This story is okay. It really doesn’t make sense why Cheryl would be so attracted to this guy, though.