Writers: Bill Golliher
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo / Dan Parent
Inking: Henry Scarpelli
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom (Get a Job*), No. 2
Cover Date: August, 1996
Length: 21 pages
*The various Cheryl Blossom miniseries that preceded her ongoing series were simply named Cheryl Blossom, but they have unofficial names. This second miniseries has been referred to as Cheryl Blossom: Gets a Job, but it’s listed on Amazon as Cheryl Blossom: Get a Job.
Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.
A blurb lets us know the setup of this miniseries (in case we didn’t read the first issue, I guess). Cheryl is back at the employment agency. The employee (who is now identified as Ms. Flanders) finds Cheryl a position at Kiddieland Preschool. Cheryl thinks of children as brats, and she has no previous experience with children – other than being one herself “for several years!!” That’s pretty funny.
None of the other fast food places in the area want Cheryl after all of the trouble at Taco Time. Cheryl is stunned but then guesses she’ll “be molding and shaping little minds”. Ms. Flanders sends up a prayer to whichever deity might be listening. She gives Cheryl the address for the preschool.
The next day, Cheryl arrives at Kiddleland Day Care. What’s with businesses in this miniseries suddenly changing their names? Anyway, it makes a positive first impression on Cheryl. Wait, she waited until the next day to visit? I doubt they’d hire her over the phone, so is she an employee yet or not? Anyway, a little girl is crying, so Cheryl decides to help her. The girl complains three boys took a toy…dog on a rolling chair(?) away from her.
One of the boys claims the girl’s been hogging the toy all morning, and the teacher said they should share. Cheryl snatches the toy from another boy and returns it to the girl, because she’s a girl, and girls have infinite playtime with toys. The girl is happy, but the three boys cry. The woman in charge of the place comes out, correctly guesses Cheryl’s identity(?!), and says she’ll be in charge of these children. Cheryl asks what to do with them. The woman suggests playing games, reading, and teaching them colors(?). Cheryl suggests teaching them how to invest their savings in a no load mutual fund.
Later, Cheryl’s reading a story about a gingerbread man to a slightly different group of kids, but she gives up on it, because it’s boring. She tells them a slightly fictionalized version of her pursuit of getting a little sports car. The kids start crying, and so does Cheryl. The woman tells Cheryl to chill the fuck out. Wait, they’re now suddenly inside? Well, whatever. The woman suggests a game with colors. Cheryl takes the suggestion and comes up with a fashion game.
It’s not a hit, so Cheryl tries snack time: caviar and imported crackers. Because letting a new employee bring her own food to feed the children is totally legal. The kids get sick. Cheryl takes them outside to “play another round of Why I’m Better Than You”.
That afternoon, by the time that the parents arrive, Cheryl has caused much damage to the kids’ minds.
The next morning, Cheryl arrives at Kiddieland, and the woman (now identified as Mrs. Gleason) lets her know of complaints from all of the parents yesterday. She lets Cheryl go. Cheryl is upset, because she was preparing the kids for life. Mrs. Gleason wishes Cheryl good luck in finding another job. Cheryl lets her know about the cool preschool makeovers that the kids are now gonna miss out on. It’s probably for the best that Cheryl got fired; that place seems like a lawsuit waiting to happen.
Soon, Cheryl arrives at the employment agency and finds Ms. Flanders hiding under her desk.
Ms. Flanders sends Cheryl to the Riverdale Zoo. A blond guy comes out and greets her. He’s Hank Thompson, the zoo director. Cheryl refuses to shake hands, because she doesn’t know who he was shaking paws with last. He takes her to the Primate House, where their monkeys and apes live. Cheryl gets a funny joke in. He gives her a broom and the water hose and leaves her. Cheryl starts sweeping but is annoyed at the animals’ sounds.
She teases the animals. One of them throws a banana peel in her face. Cheryl recognizes the voices of “those townies, Betty and Veronica”. She hides just as they come into the Primate House. Unfortunately, she hides in the gorilla cage, ignoring the warning on the door. Why isn’t the door locked?
Betty had convinced Ronnie to come to the zoo. Ronnie and Betty compare a red orangutan to Cheryl, enraging her. A gorilla comes up behind Cheryl, and she runs out of the cage, right past Betty and Ronnie.
Ronnie thinks she recognized Cheryl, but Betty wants to get the fuck out. The gorilla frees the apes. Cheryl runs out of the zoo, and so do everyone else upon seeing the apes.
Later (the next day, I guess), Cheryl is back at the employment agency. Ms. Flanders is reading the story (“Apes Terrorize City!”) on the front page of the Riverdale Star. She’s got such a headache that she’s wearing a cold compress and drinking dissolving medicinal tablets. Oblivious, Cheryl happily asks if she has “another job me” [sic]. She’s so excited that she’s skipping entire words! Ms. Flanders suggests “something in the great outdoors”. Cheryl agrees, saying her tan could use some work.
It turns out that Cheryl’s new job is holding up a “SLOW” sign for traffic as the Riverdale Highway Department does work on a street downtown. Her boss is kinda sexist. Cheryl complains about the “disgusting” coveralls, but her boss, doing the all-important work of coffee and donuts, says it’s regulation. Cheryl decides to bend the regulations “just a little”.
The next day, a surprised Cheryl greets Ms. Flanders, who has come to witness Cheryl’s second day on the same job. Cheryl’s boss roughly slaps Cheryl on the back. Asshole. He also mentions Ms. Flanders had called Cheryl incompetent, which upsets Cheryl a bit. Seeing the sun come out, Cheryl strips down to a fluorescent bikini, shocking her boss and Ms. Flanders. Cheryl’s reasoning is the bikini is “still bright”, so it should still meet regulations.
Within seconds, a major, multi-vehicle accident has occurred. Somehow, Cheryl isn’t killed. She just kinda brushes it off and asks for sunblock. Ms. Flanders is actually amused by the whole thing.
On TV 5 KRN, a reporter in News Chopper Five reports on the tie-up that has brought traffic to a standstill on the Riverdale Expressway. They go in to get a closer look at the accident. So much to unpack here. First, Riverdale’s TV station usually is called something like WRIV. Any stations with call signs that start with a K are located west of the Mississippi River. Second, Riverdale has an expressway? The implied size of Riverdale varies by story, but having a TV station with its own news crew, a developed downtown area, and an expressway really makes it seem like Riverdale is a decent-sized city, not a little town.
At the Blossom estate, Clifford and Jason just happen to be watching the news and are shocked to see Cheryl, who’s somehow allowed to continue directing traffic in her bikini. Jason’s upset about Cheryl “embarrassing the family” and suggests his dad just give Cheryl the three grand for her sports car. Penelope seems to agree. Clifford thinks about it but then refuses, saying Cheryl has to earn the car money herself, which is the opposite of his position at the end of the previous issue. This is apparently all so Cheryl can learn responsibility.
Back downtown, Cheryl’s worried that she’s unemployed again. So is Ms. Flanders, who’s thrilled when her boss, citing union rules, gives Cheryl another chance. He tells Cheryl that the bikini has to go. This should come as no surprise: Cheryl’s all for that and starts to unfasten her top. Ms. Flanders then clarifies: Cheryl has to wear the coveralls again. That’s pretty damn funny.
The next morning, Cheryl arrives, driving a blue car. It’s pouring rain. Cheryl pleads with her boss, but she still has to work. She gets one of those stupid sleeveless rain coverings that does nothing, and she doesn’t get an umbrella. Cheryl gets soaked, especially when passing cars splash water on her. She starts sneezing. She’s completely miserable, having reached her lowest point, and is starting to wonder if this is worth it. I can so totally relate to Cheryl right now. Working in the pouring rain is absolute misery. Cheryl is pleasantly surprised to see an approaching blue sports car; it’s in just the color that she’s saving for.
The sports car stops. To Cheryl’s surprise, Jason is in it, out for a test drive. He brags about the money that he’s making at the brokerage firm. Cheryl’s upset and warns him against buying the car that she wants. Um, I’m sure the dealer can get her another one. Jason ran some figures and tells Cheryl that, assuming she keeps this job, she’ll have enough money in six months. Cheryl is surprised.
Jason then tears off, splashing Cheryl with water and knocking her backward into a ditch (despite the fact that an earlier panel showed a street with vehicles behind her), where she lands in water. Cheryl’s pissed at Jason and vows to stick with her job. Her boss checks on her. She’s fine and thanks him. He then fires her for nearly getting injured through no fault of her own. I’m sure Cheryl could sue the department for wrongful termination.
On another morning, Cheryl arrives at the table for breakfast. Her mom asks her if she’s going back to the employment agency today. Cheryl has given up on Ms. Flanders and also has decided to stay away for the woman’s mental well-being. Jason mentions the Classified section of the newspaper and then teases Cheryl. Penelope angrily tells him to knock that shit off and give his sister the fucking paper. Cheryl searches the ads and then finds one for a personal assistant to run errands for a top executive; no previous experience is required. Clifford nervously asks if it’s for one of his companies. Cheryl says the address doesn’t look familiar. Clifford breathes a sigh of relief.
Later, Cheryl arrives at the office building. The receptionist has her fill out an application, and she shows her up to the top floor. A man arrives, and Cheryl mistakes him for the head honcho. He reads her application and makes the connection to Clifford Blossom. Cheryl outright asks him if it’ll help her get the job. He says her father is one of their boss’ biggest competitors. He doesn’t know if he should hire her. Cheryl starts crying and calls herself a failure. He asks why. She explains. He tries to calm her down.
He takes her to the boss’ office. When she walks in, it turns out that her new boss is Hiram Lodge. They’re shocked to see each other. Um, what? How could she not know the name of the business that she was applying at? Even if it wasn’t mentioned in the newspaper ad, the name has to be on the building, and she’d filled out the application. Anyway, Hiram gets a call that his daughter’s on the way up. Hiram is nervously curious about Ronnie’s reaction. Ronnie walks in to borrow something and is surprised to see Cheryl. Hiram introduces Cheryl as his new personal assistant. Ronnie faints and falls to the floor. Cheryl looks at Ronnie’s unconscious body, amused.
This story is pretty funny. Not much else to say.
The following info comes from Grand Comics Database: After the story are a 1-page illustration by Rex W. Lindsey titled “The Scarlett Starlett”, a 2-page “Dear Cheryl” advice column by Sara Algase, and a page of fan art. None of this extra stuff is included in the digital edition, which is a shame.