Comics – This Heiress for Hire

Writers: Dan Parent
Pencils: DeCarlo/Parent
Inking: Henry Scarpelli
Lettering: Bill Yoshida
Coloring: Barry Grossman
Editor: Victor Gorelick
Editor-in-Chief: Richard Goldwater
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom (Get a Job*), No. 1
Cover Date: July, 1996
Length: 21 pages

*The various Cheryl Blossom miniseries that preceded her ongoing series were simply named Cheryl Blossom, but they have unofficial names. This second miniseries has been referred to as Cheryl Blossom: Gets a Job, but it’s listed on Amazon as Cheryl Blossom: Get a Job (which makes no sense, considering, as we’ll soon see, no one’s telling Cheryl to get a job).

Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.

Part One

Cheryl and Priscilla are walking near a car dealership. Cheryl is telling Priscilla of the time that she turned down Brad Pitt’s marriage proposal, which I’m sure was something that totally happened. A beautiful blue sports car catches Cheryl’s eye. Priscilla agrees it’s nice. An eager salesman wants to give Cheryl a rundown on the car, but she stops him.

It goes with Cheryl’s eyes; that’s all that she cares about. She wants the car. The money-hungry salesman wants to go inside and get the paperwork started. Cheryl decides to go home and get cash from “dear ol’ Popsy”. The salesman tells her that she’ll need at least $3,000 as a down payment, which Cheryl thinks is no problem.

Cheryl comes home, sees Jason’s new speedboat (called “Jason’s Baby”), assumes her dad bought it for him, and tries to use it as an in to ask her dad for a handout.

Jason, however, corrects her that he paid for it with his own money. Clifford adds Jason has been interning for a brokerage firm. He’s an intern? And he made enough to buy a fancy speedboat? I call bullshit.

Anyway, Clifford’s proud of Jason, but Cheryl still intends to ask her dad for a handout. Jason preemptively calls it and claims she couldn’t work, having a laugh at her expense (and name-dropping The X-Files). Clifford still wants to hear what his “honey” wants. Cheryl suddenly thinks better of asking him for a handout, asks how he is instead, and runs off before he can finish his answer, confusing her dad and brother. She decides to raise the $3,000 on her own. She notices her neighbors are having a yard sale.

So she decides to hold her own yard sale. Penelope is impressed, but Jason accuses Cheryl of copying him. Clifford is happy that Cheryl’s being resourceful. Ethel tries on a tiara and asks Cheryl for the price. Cheryl asks how much that Ethel has, which is $12, and that’s good enough for her. Ethel happily walks away, wearing her tiara and feeling “so divine”. Penelope gasps, believing it’s her great-grandmother’s tiara. So are the Blossoms descended from royalty?

Penelope asks Cheryl for the selling price and then flips her shit, because the tiara was worth thousands of dollars. Cheryl excuses it by saying she’s trying to raise quick cash. So not only is Cheryl selling random stuff that isn’t hers from around the mansion, but she also has no business sense. Anyway, a worried Penelope asks Cheryl what else she’s sold. Cheryl sold an old record player to Jughead for $25 (Jughead consults a price guide at home and discovers the rare phonograph is worth $3,000), an old shawl to “schoolmarm-to-be” Betty (who checks a label on the shawl and discovers it was once owned by Greta Garbo), and an old box of postcards to Archie (who takes note of the Civil War-era postage stamps, which he claims are worth a fortune). None of these characters will be shown to be rich later on.

Penelope ends the yard sale and takes Cheryl into the mansion. Jason makes fun of Cheryl, pissing her off, but Penelope angrily says at least Cheryl was trying. Jason goes off to his job. Cheryl announces she’s going to her own (which stuns and concerns her parents) and goes upstairs to change. She comes downstairs in business clothes and holding a briefcase. She says goodbye to “jetset playgirl” Cheryl Blossom and hello to “career girl” Cheryl Blossom. Clifford hopes the world is ready.

Part Two

Cheryl walks through downtown Riverdale, turning heads and quoting the theme to The Mary Tyler Moore Show. She arrives at an employment agency and says she’d like a job. The employee asks for her skills. She gives out useless information, but we learn she considers herself to be a “whiz” at crossword puzzles.

The employee searches for summer jobs for teenagers and finds an opening at Taco Town. Cheryl is offended and asks for other choices, but they’re all fast food. Cheryl turns to leave but then imagines Jason insulting her and decides to take the Taco Town job. The job pays $4.50 per hour, which Cheryl mistakes for $450 per hour until the frustrated employee corrects her.

When Cheryl arrives at Taco Town and introduces herself, the manager has her uniform ready for her, because that’s totally how it works. Cheryl puts on the polyester outfit and hates it. She also argues with the manager over the hairnet. Cheryl looks at her reflection in a window and hates it but believes the outfit will disguise her.

Once Cheryl gets to work behind the counter (which shouldn’t require a hairnet), a busload of hungry kids overwhelm her, so Cheryl tells them to grab what they need (how?) and put the money in the register (again, how?). She goes on break.

In the break room, which is apparently adjacent to the seating area with no door, Cheryl is drinking something and reading papers. The manager comes by and is like “What the fuck, Blossom?!” Cheryl explains while her papers morph into a book. Rather than fire her, the manager admits maybe it was too busy for a beginner. He has her work the drive-thru, but the speaker is shit, so Cheryl, against a coworker’s advice, goes outside, sits down, ditches the hairnet, and takes the orders in person.

Part Three

Having now obtained a notepad and pencil, Cheryl is trying to take orders, but the male customers get boners, so an impatient Cheryl makes suggestions on their behalf and relays them to Agnes (the coworker from earlier) in the restaurant. I guess the speaker works better when Cheryl’s sitting on top of it?

A guy asks her out, but Cheryl playfully says she’s on the clock. Word starts spreading about Cheryl.

In the restaurant, the manager asks Agnes where Cheryl is. When she nervously explains, he’s enraged.

The manager comes outside and is like “What the fuck, Cheryl?!” She’s pleased with herself. He orders her back inside. Just then, Mr. Skylar, the regional director, shows up. He’s like “What the fuck, Winthrop?!” (That’s the manager’s name, but he’s not that guy.) Oh, due to a writing error, the restaurant’s name is suddenly changed to Taco Time for the rest of the story, despite the fact that it was called Taco Town on the previous page (although that was on the restaurant’s sign, so that might have been down to the artist paying attention). Anyway, Winthrop and Cheryl nervously try to explain. In a twist that literally everyone saw coming, the seemingly angry Mr. Skylar actually thinks this is a fantastic idea, citing the cars lined up. Winthrop tries to take credit, which Cheryl finds lame.

Archie, Reggie, Betty, and Veronica show up in Archie’s car and are surprised to see Cheryl. Ronnie’s angry and gets out of the car. She has Betty come with her, and Betty’s suddenly angry as well, despite being happy at seeing Cheryl just a panel earlier. They meet up with other girls that have left their boyfriends over their behavior. Betty suddenly declares this is sexist and says they should protest. Um, has she never been to Hooters? Cheryl’s outfit is nowhere near that level. Anyway, a random girl agrees with Betty, calling her by name, so I guess they know each other?

Anyway, Archie’s next in line just as Cheryl takes off her work shirt and work shoes (she somehow has her blue heels on) due to the heat. Archie checks her out instead of looking where he’s going. Cheryl tries to warn him.

Archie drives into their clown speaker, busting it and the front end of his car. Um, he’s in a drive-thru; how fucking fast was he going? Winthrop comes out and is like “What the fuck?!” In the span of a few minutes, the girls have made signs and started a protest, and a WRIV TV crew has shown up to cover it. Cheryl spots the cameras and interrupts Ronnie’s interview. The broken clown speaker has now somehow gotten into the midst of the protest.

Part Four

The restaurant’s sign now bears the Taco Time name as well. Cheryl gives an interview for WRIV TV (which is on channel 3), watched locally by happy guys, angry girls, and at least a couple happy girls. Cheryl’s parents are watching at home, and Penelope calls her out on her lack of modesty, but Clifford’s indifferent. Of note, there are now counter-protestors in support of Cheryl in the crowd, and searchlights have been added. Keep in mind that this has all happened within the course of a few minutes.

Winthrop calls Cheryl inside. Cheryl bets Mr. Skylar is impressed. He is, but his attorney just contacted him. They’re not insured for accidents like Archie caused or employees working outside the building. Also, the drive-thru line has backed up into town, blocking traffic. They’re getting cited for violations.

The mayor’s pissed. The newspaper and TV stations are “going crazy”. All of this over a girl sitting on top of a speaker in a drive-thru and taking orders. Anyway, this is “too much” for a “family restaurant”, so Mr. Skylar fires Cheryl, much to her shock. Cheryl’s upset over how he treated his “publicity queen” and leaves.

Cheryl walks outside and past a reporter looking for a quote. She seems distraught, but maybe she’s playing it up for the cameras. Anyway, when she announces she’s been fired, the girls feel bad. Ronnie didn’t want it to happen, and Betty says it’s not all Cheryl’s fault (actually, it wasn’t Cheryl’s fault at all, considering she was just trying to do her job and was actually annoyed at the fact that guys were distracted by her). Cheryl makes mental note of the fact that it’s only now that they start to show some sympathy. When Mr. Skylar comes outside, Ronnie points him out as the “chauvinist” that “used” and fired Cheryl, even though she has no way of knowing that, not having seen him before. Cheryl’s thrilled that she’s now the good guy.

At home, on another day, Cheryl’s reading the Riverdale Gazette and is pleased that her story made the headline on the front page. She’s gonna save it for her scrapbook. A sloppy art error has Cheryl’s shirt completely change between panels. Penelope informs Cheryl that her story has made the national news, and a Ted Koppel knockoff is on the phone for her. He invites her to appear on their (unnamed) show with Mr. Skylar (the color scheme indicates it’s Nightline).

On the show, done remotely, Cheryl plays the distraught victim, complete with tears. Mr. Skylar offers Cheryl her job back and apologizes. Cheryl thanks him but declines, saying she’s “been too scarred”.

Sometime later, back at home, Clifford happily notes the media blitz seems to finally be dying down. Cheryl isn’t pleased. Due to Cheryl’s supposed bravery, Clifford offers to buy her the car. Cheryl is pleased but decides to look for another job, much to Clifford’s shock. The work force has “invigorated” Cheryl, and she has dreams of making an even bigger splash at her next job. Penelope is worried. Clifford is downright frightened.

At the employment agency, at the end of a grueling shift, the employee complains about the thankless job and just wants to go home and soak her feet. Um, maybe try new shoes, because I doubt you can make your feet ache by mostly sitting at your desk all day. Anyway, Cheryl shows up, wanting another job, and this freaks the poor woman out, because Cheryl took up a whole minute or two of her time last time.

This story is pretty fun, if unrealistic.

The following info comes from Grand Comics Database: After the story are a 1-page illustration by Rex W. Lindsey titled “Red Hot CB” (“Fashions and jewelry designed for Cheryl by fans.”), a 2-page “Dear Cheryl” advice column, and a 1-page story (with pencils by Dan DeCarlo and inks by “Smith”) titled “On the T.V. Spot” (“Cheryl interviews Archie as leader of “the Archies” rock group.”). None of this extra stuff is included in the digital edition, which is a shame.

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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