Comics – Hair-Don’t!

Writer: Dan Parent*
Pencils: Dan Parent*
Inking: Jon D’Agostino*
Coloring: Barry Grossman*
Lettering: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Cheryl Blossom, No. 16
Cover Date: October, 1998
Length: 5 pages

*Only the lead story in the issue is credited. I assume the credits apply to all of the stories.

Although I have the original issue, I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition.

Cheryl breaks the fourth wall by reminding her readers of when she asked them to vote on a new hairstyle for her back in issue #12. The winning style was #6, and they’re using it in this story.

Now forget all of that, because the story proper begins with a retcon where Cheryl is addressing her viewers on Cheryl’s Beach Bash and telling them to choose her new ‘do from one of ten styles and call 1-555-CHERYL-DO to vote. So what was the point of wasting 2/3rds of the page on an explanation?

Cheryl gets the returns on an old-fashioned printout. #6 is the winner. Cheryl says her fans have good taste. Cheryl calls up a stylist named Rene and asks him to zip over and create her new ‘do for the show – right fucking now. It’s an “emergency”, and her fans are “waiting”, you see.

Cheryl loves her new ‘do and wants to get on the air. On the way, she sees Louella McGruff doing something and asks about the mess. Louella explains she’s making seashell figurines, because she thought the viewers would enjoy this. Cheryl (a bit too meanly) explains this is the wrong network/show for this sort of thing. She asks Louella to move the stuff. Louella says they’re drying, and she can’t disturb them. Upset, Cheryl decides to do her hair reveal out on the patio. The camera is set up. A crowd gathers to watch. Betty asks what’s going on, and Archie explains. Veronica rolls her eyes.

Betty asks Cheryl if people don’t have better things on their minds. Ronnie tells either the crowd or Cheryl (it’s unclear) to get a life. Cheryl’s mad and says they’re just jealous. It’s suddenly windy. Worried that it could damage her new ‘do, Cheryl goes inside the beach house to get some hairspray. A random guy tells Cheryl to hurry, because she’s on in eight seconds. I call bullshit. Cheryl doesn’t need to be out on the patio right when they go live; she can walk outside when she’s ready to make the big reveal. And again, why is this live? In her hurry, Cheryl accidentally sprays her hair with Ms. McGruff’s glue.

Cheryl runs out onto the patio. It’s still windy, and a bunch of paper and sand gets stuck to her hair. Rene, despite Cheryl’s pleas for help, abandons her. Betty feels bad for Cheryl. Ronnie says she does, too, and suggests giving Cheryl a hand. Ronnie then immediately insults Cheryl, which Betty giggles at. Wow, what bitches. Cheryl is pissed.

This story was pretty dumb and felt contrived and padded out.

Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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