The New Archies, Segment 02 – Ballot Box Blues

Writer: Kimmer Ringwald
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, September 12, 1987
Length: 11:18

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An unseen Mary Andrews informs Archie that he’s going to be late for school again. Archie rushes out of the house…

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…and trips over his dog.

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Archie McFlys it to school on his skateboard.

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His dog, Red (made up for the show), realizes Archie forgot his lunch and chases after him. There’s a really shit continuous shot (which screencaps won’t do justice) of Archie skateboarding through the shot, followed by Red, followed by Archie! What the fuck, show?

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Meanwhile, Michael Jugson is just dancing on the fucking sidewalk, supposedly on his way to school (does no one take the school bus?), and not paying any attention to his surroundings.

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That’s amazingly lucky.

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In class (there’s no homeroom?), Miss Grundy collects homework.

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A worried Reggie “looks” for his homework, but then…

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Archie, Jughead, and Red crash in a closet. In the most short-term lie ever, Reggie “finds” his homework in the pile of papers that Miss Grundy dropped.

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Apparently, students are required to put only their first names on their homework.

And what the fuck kind of questions are those? It seems more like an anxiety/depression survey.

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Somehow, Reggie survives this.

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Somehow, Miss Grundy doesn’t gives these assholes detention.

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There’s a bit where Miss Grundy is pissed at Red and has him get out of the chair, but apparently she’s fine with him staying in the classroom.

Miss Grundy says they’ll be electing a class president today and asks for candidates. For some reason, she specifically asks Reggie if he wants to run. Reggie asks how much that it pays, and she shakes her head in disapproval.

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She asks Jughead, but the dumbass is listening to music in class. He pays her no mind, and then she just leaves him be. Why is she so lenient with Jughead regarding his bullshit?

Miss Grundy asks Betty and Veronica, but they refuse, saying they can’t run against each other, because they’re best friends. Then why don’t they agree just one of them will run?

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But then Betty and Veronica each daydream a grossly inaccurate scenario of what it’ll be like to be class president – namely, being treating like royalty and being insanely popular. Interestingly, Betty’s daydream has her winning Archie from Veronica and having him as her fucktoy 24/7, whereas Veronica’s daydream has her putting off sex with both Archie and Reggie until later.

So, yeah, both girls simultaneously agree to run for class president, and so our plot is made clear a third of the way through the episode.

Seriously, what was up with all of that time-wasting bullshit at the beginning?

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Betty then immediately pretty much concedes the election to “the prettiest girl in the class” and even says she’ll vote for her. It’s amazing. Veronica makes a token attempt at not making it sound like her winning is inevitable.

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But then Betty gets pissed that Veronica isn’t voting for her.

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It’s on!

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Class then lets out for recess (only a few minutes into the school day), and…what the fuck? Is that an anachronistic cameo by Betty from “Archie’s Weird Mysteries”? Did she come back in time for some reason?

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After the commercial break, we rejoin Veronica, seemingly mid-sentence, as she’s looking for “somebody to help [her] get the class to vote for” her. Naturally, Veronica has sought out her “best friend in the whole world” – Archie.

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Betty overhears the remark and is hella pissed at Veronica. Veronica uses Betty’s own words against her: “You’re right. You were.” Daaaaaamn, bitch.

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Veronica then makes the best fuck eyes that DiC is capable of animating at “Archiekins”.

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Archie’s like “I’m with her, bitch.”

He’s also Betty’s campaign manager.

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Reggie comes by and trash-talks Archie. Betty takes Archie to discuss “campaign strategy” and perhaps give him a little sucky-sucky. Reggie talks himself up to Veronica, and she insults him but then hires “Reggiekins”, her “best friend in the whole wide world”.

Let me just say right now that I hate Veronica’s various “kins” nicknames for people. Who talks like that?

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When the fuck did they have time to put that together?

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Veronica is unable to come up with a good reason why she’s best for the job. There’s a weird bells sound effect while she scratches her head; it’s totally out of place.

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Archie pressures Betty to make campaign promises, so she promises more spinach for lunch, which costs her potential votes.

Veronica tries to buy votes. Archie calls her out of that: “You can’t do that!” In an actually funny twist, Veronica “misunderstands” and says “No, but my daddy can.”

Oh, and apparently Mr. Lodge is only a millionaire. I bet the comics have been pretty inconsistent over the decades (much as they’ve been regarding the source of his wealth), but I’m pretty sure, today, he’s consistently portrayed as a billionaire.

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Archie demands better from Betty, so Betty promises her voters whatever they want. She then gives a knowing smile and asks “What more do you want?” Okay, so Betty will be working the glory hole in the boys’ bathroom until the election.

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The girls, unwilling to admit they want Betty to go down on them, demand headbands (?!?!?!), so Betty gives her own headband to the first asker, and then Archie passes out a bunch of other headbands (what in the goddamn fuck?) to the other girls.

Reggie and Veronica are pissed. Veronica has Reggie “take care of Betty and Archie” while she leaves school grounds to have a chat with daddy about rigging the election.

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Reggie plans something.

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He has Moose give him a spin.

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Moose goes over to check on Reggie, leaving the merry-go-round…still spinning. I know cartoons often exaggerate, but this is ridiculous.

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The box that Betty’s standing on is suddenly pulled away from her cheering crowd – along with Betty, despite the fact that we didn’t see Reggie tie the rope to her.

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Somehow, Veronica is already back and has gotten a van onto school property. She promises every girl designer jeans and every boy a “rad” new baseball jacket. How the fuck does all of this manage to happen during recess?

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Anyway, the plan works, and the election turns Veronica’s way.

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Archie has Moose strap him to a kite, so he can write “Vote For Belly” in the sky. Even Moose points out Archie’s error, which he soon corrects.

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Veronica sees this and wishes she’d gotten Archie for her campaign manager. She has Reggie climb a tall ladder and hang a banner on the front of the school, which is a massive lawsuit waiting to happen and probably expulsion-worthy behavior.

Veronica demands Reggie put the sign up higher, and…

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Meanwhile, Eugene has invented an “automatic spray painter” that will paint Betty’s campaign signs in “milliseconds”. Betty sensibly suggests just using the paintbrushes, which blows Eugene’s mind. I guess he’s like Doc Brown: he always has to overcomplicate things. He then has Betty try his invention anyway, betting it’ll “blow [her] away”. Take a guess where this is going.

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Betty manages to paint Eugene and Jughead, the latter of which just walks away like he doesn’t give a shit.

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Archie wants Moose to pull him back down, but Moose is distracted by a fly and takes the time to kill it, letting Archie fly away. Moose gives chase.

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Meanwhile, an out-of-control Betty paints Veronica, and Moose runs past Reggie’s ladder.

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Rather than be concerned for Reggie’s safety, Veronica demands he bring the banner back right fucking now.

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Hehehe, karma, bitch!

By the way, am I the only one that notices the banner is making a heart shape while Reggie and Veronica are together?

Even while out of control, Archie manages to spell out “Help” in the sky.

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Both Betty and Reggie/Veronica collide with him.

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They all crash – and somehow survive.

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With a little over a minute left in the segment, they skip past the actual election and get to the results. Betty and Veronica have withdrawn, because they’d rather be friends than class president. Veronica clarifies it as best friends.

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Sounds good to Archie and Reggie.

The announcement comes too late, though, because the students couldn’t decide between Betty and Veronica, so they didn’t vote for anyone.

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Jughead voted for himself, so he’s their new class president. He’s asleep and doesn’t give a shit, though.

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The class cheers for him, anyway. I can’t quite understand what they’re cheering.

Okay, so this episode was pretty unrealistic and pointless. Absolutely nothing of consequence happened, and I’m willing to bet Jughead being class president will never come up again.

Tune in next Wednesday!

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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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