Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 14, 1987 (assumed)
I’m sorry that this is a bit late.
The segment opens with Eugene, in his basement lab, trying to convince his terrified dog, Sparky, to participate in an experiment. I guess Eugene subscribes to the Emmett Brown School of Science.
“This is fucked up, yo.”
Eugene wants to test his IQ enhancer on Sparky – with the goal of turning everyone in the world into a genius (except even Eugene admits there’s no hope for Moose).
Unfortunately, Eugene’s bird, Chewy, flies in and fucks everything up.
Eugene stops the machine – by pressing all three buttons, which leads me to believe he was just guessing.
Eugene guesses his machine’s a failure.
The doorbell rings, and Eugene bolts upstairs. What’s up with that penguin?
Anyway, after Eugene leaves, Sparky and Chewy seemingly pass out and then spaz out and spin around the room as cartoony tornadoes, because of course they fucking do.
Then they start acting like each other – with Sparky making bird calls and Chewy barking, because they can totally do that in each other’s bodies. Yeah, it seems Eugene has inadvertently invented a brain-swapping device.
No, no NO! This is impossible!
Animation error: the outline of the bone cuts across Chewy’s beak.
Anyway, Archie, Jughead, and Moose have come by. Jughead licks his ice cream and declares they don’t build these things like they used to. Eugene’s like “What the fuck?” I guess the “joke” is the fact that the ice cream used to fall over in the good old days, but it stays upright now. Whatever. Archie asks Eugene if he’s ready for the knowledge bowl. Eugene’s pumped and ready to “beat those creeps from [unintelligible] Heights”.
The pets come by. Chewy-in-Sparky steals Jughead’s ice cream. During more of these antics, Eugene figures out what happened. Trying to grab the pets to put them back in machine and reverse the procedure leads to this:
Some (much shorter) cartoony tornado nonsense occurs. Moose, in Eugene’s body, lifts the IQ enhancer, claiming he’s never felt stronger. Bullshit! Eugene warns him against dropping it.
Who didn’t see that coming? Okay, I admit I didn’t see the explosion coming. What kind of volatile materials is the machine made out of?
After a bit of antics, Archie guesses maybe they can figure out something at school. Um, what could they possibly do at school that they couldn’t do in Eugene’s lab?
In history class, “Moose” correctly answers a question, the tenth in a row. Ms. Grundy praises him.
“Awww, stop it.”
Moose, for whatever fucking reason, is balancing a fish bowl on his head. Betty’s staring at him like “What the fuck?”
He spills the water all over himself, no doubt killing the fish. Betty and the other students find his dumbassery hilarious.
Ms. Grundy’s like “What the fuck?” Oh, and Goldie the goldfish survived and is now happily swimming in a magically refilled fish bowl. Also, we learn Eugene wears a white shirt with a pocket under his sweater.
Ms. Grundy doesn’t know what’s going on. Eugene is like “You wouldn’t believe this shit. Have an apple.” Ms. Grundy is shocked for some reason and makes bizarre motions.
Then Moose…phases through Eugene, grabs the apple, and eats it.
The bell rings. Archie tells the guys that they gotta practice for “the big game”.
But Jughead’s gonna practice eating.
LAME CARTOON PHYSICS ALERT: kids lightly brushing against Ms. Grundy on their way out the door makes her spin around really fast.
At football practice, “Eugene” begs the coach to let him play, but the coach ain’t havin’ it and points him to the bench.
Apparently, Riverdale Junior High School is one game away from being “city champs”. Um, who, exactly, are they playing against? Don’t tell me that Riverdale has another junior high school, complete with another football program. Maybe a private school?
Losing will, from what the coach says, cost him his job. No pressure.
Practice doesn’t go well for “Moose”.
Eventually, “Eugene” takes the ball and throws it away in frustration.
He manages to knock over his friends with the ball, despite being in a weakling’s body.
The coach brings a football over to “Eugene” and asks him to kick. Of course, he does amazing, because this story has no concept of what being in a radically different body would do to a person.
Bullshit! Also, what the fuck is that thing in the background? A spaceship?
Back at Eugene’s house, Sparky-in-Chewy has some fun scaring Eugene’s cat.
More antics. The penguin appears to be a statue. At least, I hope it is.
This goes on way too long. Eventually, they do a quick tornado spin and seemingly switch minds again. Chewy flies back up to the perch.
In the auditorium, they’re down to the last question in the “annual Knowledge Bowl”. Riverdale is being beaten 49-0. Ms. Grundy spins the wheel for the 50-point bonus question. Well, isn’t that convenient? Be lucky enough to answer one question correctly and win the whole fucking match.
“Eugene” buzzes in prematurely, and Ms. Grundy’s like “What you on, dumbass?”
Even Archie and Amani are pissed at him. Apparently, Moose has been buzzing in and answering every question wrong.
“Eugene” gets up and storms off, and…what the fuck? Riverdale Elementary School?! Elementary?! Granted, up to this point, the show had never specified the name of the school, and it still hasn’t specified the precise grade and age of the students. I just assumed it was junior high based on the cheerleaders and sports teams and Archie’s letter jacket. I was in elementary school at that time, and we didn’t have that – not until middle school. If we played sports at all in elementary school, it was for gym class. That’s it. I guess being in elementary school does fit in with the kids having only one teacher, but it seems the writers didn’t want it to be quite as limiting as elementary school, so they threw in the other stuff.
By the way, in elementary school, we didn’t have inter-school competitions. In fourth grade, we had a spelling bee against another classroom, and that was as epic as it got. It came down to me and a girl from the other class. The word was “remainder”. I won and was treated like royalty for the rest of the day, getting high fives and free Now and Laters from my classmates. Good times.
Anyway, “Eugene” tries to spin the question wheel and breaks it. Bullshit.
Is the story over yet?
Anyway, “Eugene” somehow redirects the wheel, taking it outside and across the street.
Back inside, “Moose” sits down, citing a rule that says he can substitute for Eugene.
Veronica’s like “What the fuck?” Reggie’s amused. Jughead doesn’t give a shit.
Jughead burns Reggie good. Well, good by elementary standards, anyway.
The nerds on the opposing team are confident. Yeah, their school has a name; it ends with Heights, but I can’t understand the first word.
Ms. Grundy asks the final question: What’s the tallest mountain in the world?
“Moose” correctly answers Mount Everest (after initially making a joke).
Ms. Grundy’s excited that her dumbass team managed to answer one question correctly.
The audience is excited. The team celebrates.
Mr. Weatherbee’s about to present them with the trophy, but “Eugene” brings the wheel back to the school for some fucking reason.
The wheel flattens the trophy. Bullshit!
Mr. Weatherbee presents it to the team, anyway, and “Moose” folds it up and…puts it in his shirt. Okay. Oddly, the scene fades to black for a commercial break right then.
After the commercial break, we’re at the big game. Like all elementary school football teams, they get to play in a stadium.
The announcer sucks at his job, claiming Riverdale is trailing twenty to nothing right before we see this:
Also, why would the other team be named by mascot while Riverdale isn’t?
The coach is frustrated, because “Moose” got the ball and is running the wrong way. Jughead complains Pop forgot the ketchup on his hamburger.
So, from what I can tell, “Moose” makes a touchdown, but the announcer claims he dropped the ball after running 95 yards to his own end zone, resulting in the score…staying exactly as it was when we last saw the scoreboard, but the announcer actually says what’s on the scoreboard this time, so I think the show’s trying to make us believe a “failed” touchdown in your own end zone gets the opposing team six points. Fuck this show.
Eugene wants his body back. The coach throws his ass out of the game and substitutes “Eugene”.
Of course, “Eugene” does great, because he’s got the build of a player. Oh, wait, no, he doesn’t.
Despite Riverdale still being six points behind, the coach claims one more touchdown will make them the winners.
Unfortunately, Moose and Eugene tornado-spin at that moment, switching bodies. Well, isn’t that convenient?
The coach has been oblivious to all of this mind-swapping bullshit, so he pushes Eugene into the game.
Eugene actually intercepts the ball from Archie but then freaks out and runs the wrong way, away from the opposing team. The announcer tries to claim this is what happened last time, but, as you recall, he said Moose ran to his own end zone, not the wrong way.
Who didn’t see that coming?
Moose begs the coach to let him play with just a minute left. The coach agrees, reminding Moose that his job is on the line.
Moose gets the ball and makes a run for the end zone (the right one). The crowd goes wild.
Betty and Veronica cheer him on, as elementary school students are known to do.
The coach excitedly hugs Jughead. Jughead loves his anchovy burger, which he’s never had before.
Moose’s (unseen) touchdown earns Riverdale seven points, so they win the game 27-26 at the last second.
In their excitement, some of Moose’s teammates sing “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” and try to lift him up.
It goes as you’d expect.
Some time later, at Eugene’s house, Archie and Jughead walk into his “totally rad” new invention. Eugene says he’s still ironing out a few bugs and forcefully tells them to not touch anything.
Of course, Jughead, dumbass that he is, butt-presses a button, gassing them and turning them into chickens.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS JOKING.
This segment was outlandish but also pretty dull at the same time. There are a lot of antics and misunderstandings resulting from the mind-swapping. The overall message seems to be “Eugene and Moose are good at their own shit only, no matter the body.” I guess there’s some kind of message of “Everyone has their own gifts; don’t try to be someone else, just be yourself”, but this doesn’t really appear in the story, because, when they weren’t just going along with what they were told to do, Eugene and Moose were trying to be themselves. Whatever. Just remember one important thing from this story: Eugene and Moose must have held each other’s dicks while using the restroom.
Tune in next Wednesday!