Writer: Daniel Kibblesmith
Pencils: Rex Lindsey
Inks: Rex Lindsey
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Rex Lindsey
Original Publication: Archie Jumbo Comics Digest, No. 347
On-Sale Date: January 24, 2024
Length: 5
Moose Mason is practicing on the Riverdale High football field. Coach Kleats blows his whistle. Coach Clayton praises Moose for his “great hit” and says, with a “powerhouse” like Moose on their side, they’re sure to crush Central High in the big game. Moose excuses himself when he sees Midge waving at him, earning him a frown from Coach Kleats. Moose and Midge are lovey-dovey with each other; Midge would like to see more of Moose off the field. Coach Kleats is dismissive of “young ‘love'”.
Later, inside the school, Reggie, Cheryl, Veronica, Archie, Betty, and Jughead are hanging out by the lockers. Banners are hung that read “Valentine’s Week”. Reggie asks Cheryl if she has big plans for Valentine’s Day this weekend. Ronnie and Betty are on their phones. Ronnie suggests tasting menu and jewelry shopping to Archie, and Betty suggests paddle boats and picnic basket. Archie is torn. Jughead suggests pizza and burgers while eating both. Moose is at his locker. Midge asks if he has something planned for Valentine’s Day. She actually expects it. Moose claims it’s a surprise. Midge accepts this, says she’ll see him after class, and kisses him on the cheek. Coach Kleats wants a “quick word” with his “son”. He reminds Moose that Valentine’s Day is the same day as the big game. Coach Clayton says “There comes a time in a young man’s life when he has to put aside distractions and focus on his future! Understand?” Hey, I just noticed one of the Valentine’s banners has some of Cheryl’s familiar “blossoms” on it. Nice touch. I guess she did the decorating.
Moose asks what his future is. Coach Kleats, frustrated, tells him to just use his head.
The next day, Moose is on the football field, alone. Midge finds him and says the gang’s all going to Pop’s. She asks if he could skip one practice. Moose declines. Midge guesses her Valentine’s Day “surprise” is “watching [him] play football like [they] always do”. They always do that for Valentine’s Day? Why does she even stay with him? Moose suggests talking about it after the game, because “coach” says he’s really gotta focus. Midge agrees, says she’ll see him at the game, and leaves.
At the “big (Valentine’s Day) game”, the gang is watching in the bleachers. An upset Midge says she just really thought he had a surprise planned. Betty angrily says at least Midge isn’t here alone; Archie “really blew” Valentine’s Day, too. Ronnie agrees. So what are they pissed about? Archie’s at the game with Cheryl, who’s feeding him popcorn. Cheryl has the atypical upside-down U nose in this story. Moose intercepts the ball. Coach Clayton tells him to “bring it home”. Moose knocks down Central’s defense “like bowling pins”. However, to both coaches’ horror, Moose turns around and starts knocking down his own teammates. The announcer wonders what the fuck is going on.
A delighted Midge realizes Moose knocked down a lot of the players in such a way as to form the shape of a heart on the football field. A delighted Betty notes the coaches look pretty surprised, too. Coach Kleats yells at Moose, pissed. As Midge jumps into Moose’s arms, Moose says he took his advice: he spent all week focused on his future. That was actually Coach Clayton’s advice. Speaking of whom, Coach Clayton happily gives Moose a thumbs-up in approval. Midge says it’s the best Valentine that a girl could ask for (you sure about that?) and asks Moose how he came up with it. While winking hard at the reader, Moose says it was easy: he used his head. Ha. Actually, most of the carnage occurred off panel, but, from what we did see, Moose used his hand. Instead of an “End” note, there’s a “Touchdown!” note.
This story was okay. It feels like a traditional Archie story that doesn’t try to do too much in the space allotted. But Moose really didn’t do anything romantic for Midge. Also, Cheryl didn’t get any lines. Finally, and most importantly, high school football seasons occur in the fall. The entire conflict of this story is bullshit.
Report Card
Archie Comics released no comics on January 17. That’s two weeks so far this year with no comics.
This digest is the sole release this week. The second new story is “Heartbreaker Havoc”. It features Sabrina, but she’s credited as “Sabrina Spellman” in the title instead of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”. I’ve never seen that done before. Hell, back in the days of the sitcom, The WB wanted to shorten the title to Sabrina in light of the character’s age, but Archie Comics wouldn’t let them. Anyway, the story also occurs on Valentine’s Day, and it involves Sabrina trying to summon Cupid to make Jughead fall in love for Ethel, so he can “get a clue” about the “sweet girl”. Look, I don’t give a shit about Jughead (or Ethel), but it pisses me off that one thing that the Riverdale girls are agreed on is their hatred of Jughead not dating (yes, seriously; United Girls Against Jughead was a thing). People need to learn to mind their own fucking business. Oh, yeah, Sabrina attends Riverdale High now, not Greendale High. Why? Because why the fuck not? No one cares anymore. Everyone attends Riverdale High unless it’s proven otherwise, okay? Sabrina somehow accidentally conjures the wrong creature, a devil-like entity known as Heartbreaker. He ruins Valentine’s Day for everyone in Riverdale. Sabrina explains to Jughead what happened. Oh, also, only those that know of the existence of witches can see Heartbreaker. Yeah, it’s been established for years that Jughead knows Sabrina is a witch, but whether anyone else knows depends on the writer, and other characters routinely know in cover gags, so fuck all of this shit, okay? Anyway, the damage is undone, Jughead and Ethel go on a date, and Sabrina is happy. The fucking end.
Let’s do some math. I’m going to compare the number of pages of new content and the amount charged for it at this point last year to what has been released up to this point this year:
2023:
Pages: 70 / Price: $48.95
2024:
Pages: 20 / Price: $19.98
Difference:
Pages: -50 / Price: -$28.97
Riverdale Reviewed 