Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 31 – Scarlet Night

Writer: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Wednesday, February 9, 2000
Length: 22:11

I’m sorry that this is so late. After reviewing “I Was a 12 Year Old Werewolf” last week, I thought it’d be fun to keep the entire month Halloween-related. So I’m gonna be reviewing the vampire trilogy from “Archie’s Weird Mysteries” (I normally wouldn’t skip ahead). Yeah, it’s throwing my entire planned schedule out of whack, but I think it’ll be fun. 🙂 Speaking of schedules, see the note at the end of this review regarding a new schedule for this blog.

The episode opens at Riverdale High School.

It looks like Veronica decided to memorize her locker combination.

She’s surprised to see something.

After such a terrifying incident, Veronica’s biggest concern is her messed-up hair.

Suddenly, a vampire shows up.

“Motherfucker, please.”

I don’t know what Veronica does to the vampire, but she manages to kill it.

Suddenly, a mysterious woman – impossibly hidden in the shadows – arrives and addresses Veronica.

Veronica is scared of her.

Um, it’s some redhead. That scares you?

It was all just a dream.

Or was it?

By the way, that shot of the window seems to indicate the location of Veronica’s bedroom within the Lodge mansion.

Fade out. Fade in.

The next day, at school, after Veronica recounts her dream to Betty, Betty says it’s “weird” that Veronica wasn’t frightened by the vampire.

Veronica says she can’t be bothered with this vampire bullshit.

Betty asks about Veronica being afraid of redheads. Veronica doesn’t know and dismisses it as a “stupid dream”.

They meet up with Archie and Jughead. Archie guesses it’s his “lucky day” for both of them to come by to see him. Does this not happen often?

He wants them to read his latest column about vampires. He then proceeds to throw out some extremely common facts about vampires as if he’s making revelations.

Wait. Why are there residential houses across the street from the high school? Aren’t there, like, zoning laws or something? Or is this actually a common real-world occurrence?

Anyway, Veronica’s sick of this vampire shit. Archie and Jughead are confused. Betty explains.

Veronica yells at Betty for even bringing it up.

I love Betty’s expression. She’s like “Yep, typical Veronica.”

Archie goes on about vampire shit, angering Veronica further. She says she might as well be afraid of the tooth fairy.

Jughead fucking manhandles Veronica, convinced the tooth fairy is real and can hear her blasphemy. If I was Veronica, I’d bite Jughead’s hand and then beat the shit out of him.

The redhead from Veronica’s dream shows up, surprising her. She’s actually looking for Archie, though, to compliment him on his column.

Archie’s already fallen for her.

She introduces herself as the new transfer student from Redlands, Scarlet Helsing.

Archie introduces her to his friends. Betty welcomes Scarlet to Riverdale. Veronica is sarcastic in her greeting. Jughead offers Scarlet his cheeseburger. Um, yeah, no, that’s totally out of character. Scarlet responds to Veronica and Betty and politely declines the cheeseburger.

Scarlet wants to talk to Archie more about his article, so he offers to take her to Pop’s. I guess it’s the end of the school day. So why’d it take so long for Veronica to tell Betty about her dream?

Anyway, Veronica takes issue with Archie breaking their date to Pop’s. Archie walks off with Scarlet without a word.

Veronica calls out to “Archiekins”. Don’t degrade yourself, girl!

Jughead observes the girls have some new competition. Betty now understands Veronica’s nightmares about redheads.

On their way to Pop’s, Scarlet and Archie discuss the weirdness. Archie guesses weird mysteries happen everywhere, and people just don’t notice it, because they don’t wanna believe these things can really happen.

Scarlet gets really friendly with Archie and then says she thinks Riverdale’s in big trouble, which surprises Archie. Yeah, talk about a tonal whiplash.

Later, Veronica’s on her fucking cell phone while driving. What’s with the head scarf? She looks like an Eastern European grandmother. When would this ever be considered a fashion do?

Anyway, Veronica’s complaining to Betty about Scarlet.

Here’s something that I just noticed. Veronica was driving on the left side of a two-way street and switched to the right lane only to get around a truck that was parked there. That’s the only logical conclusion that I can draw from the visuals.

Betty, who’s looking out the window (probably to see when Archie returns), isn’t convinced Scarlet’s bad.

Turn this into a meme, Internet. Please.

Betty admits they’re both “a little jealous” and asks what they can do.

Veronica says Betty is “good at snooping” on her computer and has her see if the Redlands school database has any “dirt” on Scarlet. Okay, Veronica just told Betty to hack into a school database, and Betty just fucking does it like it’s an everyday thing.

By the way, they got the C prompt wrong. Also, the background’s supposed to be black.

Veronica nearly causes a wreck and blames the “moron” in the other vehicle.

“Stay off your fucking cell phone while driving, you fucking idiot!”

Veronica tells her to mind Scarlet’s business instead of hers and hangs up.

Dumbass.

After some more driving-related hijinks, Veronica narrowly avoids killing Doctor Beaumont but manages to scare the shit out of him.

Veronica insists on helping Doctor Beaumont with his things but does more harm than good.

Oh, look, it’s the cross that Veronica wore in her dream.

Or, as Veronica calls it, the “amulet”.

Doctor Beaumont is surprised that she recognizes it. Veronica says she saw it in a dream.

“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand will end the night.”

Veronica recognizes him as “that weird guy from that spooky old junk shop”. He introduces himself and then announces he’s getting the fuck out of town. She asks what the rush is.

Fade out. Fade in.

Archie and Scarlet have seemingly been on this date for hours. Archie’s hanging on her every word.

Scarlet mentions the Eternal Night…

…of the Vampires. Doctor Beaumont tells Veronica the same thing. He also gets a bit touchy-feely with her briefly for whatever reason. Ugh. Never touch someone without permission.

Doctor Beaumont says the vampires are coming to Riverdale. According to “the prophecy”, the sun shall set this “Halloween Eve” (that’s redundant) and never rise again.

Scarlet says thus will begin the rein of the vampires.

Archie says Halloween is this weekend (which, actually, it was) and asks if there’s anything that they can do. Scarlet says it’s unclear, but “the prophecy” spoke of a “chosen one” – the Ender. She knows only that it’s a girl, and she’ll have the Sun Stone – an amulet with a gem:

Doctor Beaumont gives Veronica the Sun Stone, citing her dream. He says “its destiny” belongs in her hands. Its destiny? Why not just say “it” or “It’s destined to be in your hands”?

Veronica talks about Archie’s “stupid columns” and how that’s not her. Bitch, did you forget about being awesome and saving the world that one time?

Anyway, she says she can’t do it. He says she better do something and then leaves.

It takes her a while, but she realizes he’s disappeared.

She calls and asks “Pops” if Archie’s there. Yeah, she might have been addressing “Pop’s” (the business), but it still sounds weird. She asks to speak with Archie.

Later, she and Archie meet in a parking lot. She has to explain to Archie (again) that she wants to avoid Scarlet. He brings up Scarlet’s vampire research.

Veronica gets upset and goes off about vampires, not realizing two show up right behind her. Archie freaks out, but Veronica’s oblivious for a while.

Archie grabs Veronica’s hand, and they run away. The vampires give chase. Veronica tries to convince herself that this isn’t happening.

Archie pulls Veronica into an alley, but they’re soon found.

They run away. Archie asks Veronica if she has any holy water or wooden stakes on her. Veronica reacts like this:

Archie kicks a couple of garbage cans at the vampires, which does nothing, because vampires can float (or, at least, they can here).

Veronica points in the direction that she wants them to go.

Archie finds a door and tries to open it, but it’s locked or stuck, which leads to this funny gag:

Then they give up and run away, because the vampires show up. They arrive at a fence. Veronica says it’s a dead end. Archie sees a fire escape at a nearby building, which leads to them trying to jump up high enough to grab hold of the ladder. They can’t.

Then Archie has Veronica stand on his hands, and he lifts her up. He tries to position Veronica right under the ladder. Veronica tells Archie to hurry and then bends her knees a bit to…

…have Archie eat her pussy…through her dress.

Veronica manages to pull the ladder down just before the vampires arrive. I love Archie’s expression. He’s just so over this.

Fade out. Fade in.

Veronica and Archie climb up to the roof. She grabs his hand, and they run.

Gorgeous shot. I’ll even overlook the fact that there was a half moon on Halloween of 1999.

But the moon is still way too big. I know, I know, it looks cool.

They run to the edge of the building. The vampires rise up in front of them. Then Archie has a plan:

Well, it worked.

They run the fuck away.

I need to note, after they run away, and the other vampire is descending to check on the fallen one, the audio goes out for a split second. And then it happens again as Archie and Veronica are shown running. That’s some shoddy quality control.

Fortunately, Veronica and Archie are at Doctor Beaumont’s shop.

Veronica thought he left town. Archie guesses Doctor Beaumont forgot to lock up.

The audio goes out again as Veronica closes the door. And again as the vampires look through the window.

“I can’t even.”

Veronica is distraught. She talks for a bit about what’s happened, and Archie asks about her amulet.

Veronica tells him to give it to the chosen one.

For some reason, Archie thought the chosen one would already have the amulet. Based on that:

“Oh, fuck no!”

They argue for a while. Veronica wants to get the fuck out. Archie concurs and suggests searching for a back door.

Veronica comes across a book that she guesses is the last thing that Doctor Beaumont read before he left.

She says it’s the one with the “spooky prophecies”.

So why does she look so happy while reading it?

Anyway, she reads “Raven and red upon their heads, destiny awakens. One girl is the Ender, while another is mistaken.”

She starts to think about that, but Archie calls her.

The back door is just as ornate as the front door. Doctor Beaumont really went all out.

The vampires come after them. They run away for a while, and then…

Hehehehe!

Veronica cheers “Archiekins”. He grabs her hand, and they run off.

Uh-oh.

Veronica and Archie run into Scarlet, who asks what’s going on. They’re like “Vampires, bitch! Fucking run!” She runs into the alley to confront the vampires.

“Whoa, there’s some serious shit going on in there! But we’re just gonna stand out here and listen.”

They finally decide to check it out.

“Let’s get the fuck outta here.”

Archie asks how she did it. She guesses she was just lucky. Veronica angrily asks how she found them.

She hesitates for a moment and then says she followed Archie in a cab out of worry.

Veronica takes this surprisingly well – without a hint of jealousy.

Of course, she’s probably high as fuck.

Oh, look, they came out where Veronica’s car is parked. Isn’t that convenient?

Anyway, Veronica wonders what she’s doing here.

She guesses Scarlet is the Ender, tells “the weird-mystery couple” to figure it out, and tears off.

Later, at Lodge Manor, Veronica is trying to relax. We learn she has a teddy bear. Cute. 🙂

Betty calls Veronica up with some important info.

But Veronica starts bitching about Scarlet and talks about her being the Ender.

But Betty says Veronica was right. Furthermore, there was a Scarlet Helsing in Redlands over 200 years ago.

Veronica thinks back to earlier in the day, when Archie had told her that vampires live for hundreds of years.

She then recites to Betty what she’d read in Doctor Beaumont’s book.

She’s spooked by the whole thing and guesses she’s the chosen one after all.

Betty is confused. Veronica says she’ll explain later, but they’ve gotta save Archie now.

Fade out. Fade in.

Archie guesses his parents are still at the movies.

He and Scarlet argue over whether she’s the chosen one.

He offers her the cross.

She asks where he got it. He says Veronica. She realizes Veronica is the chosen one. Archie realizes Scarlet doesn’t have a reflection.

Who didn’t see that coming?

Archie, that’s who.

He tries to get away.

She trips him by literally pulling the rug out from under him, although the editing gives him enough time to have, logically, made it past the rug before she pulled it. This is a common problem in cartoons: way more time passes in critical situations, but the shows try to insist otherwise.

They talk for a bit. Archie believes she wasn’t a vampire when they first met. She says she was. He thought daylight destroyed vampires.

She dismisses that as movie shit and repeatedly slaps him, which is hilarious.

But, yeah, I’m glad that this show acknowledges the “sunlight destroys vampires” thing is movie shit. In fact, it originated in the 1922 German Expressionist silent horror film, “Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens“.

But then they ruin it when Scarlet says only the Master can’t survive in the sun, which makes no fucking sense at all.

She also says the rest of them can survive the sun in their human form and “wear some serious sunblock”. Just…shut up. You’re making no sense.

Archie asks about the Master and falls onto the couch. Scarlet says, once the Master is awakened, his power will bring on the Eternal Night. Then he can go wherever whenever. Whatever. For some reason, she starts drawing out her “s” sounds like a snake woman.

Anyway, Scarlet has to find and kill the Chosen One first. Archie realizes that’s why she sought him out. As she talks, he tries to sneak out – but then turns back to confirm she’s after Veronica. Duh, you fucking moron! She’s already fucking said that! Stop talking to her and go out and warn your girlfriend!

Only after she confirms it does he make a run for it, but…

Oh, shit.

Scarlet explains her earlier deception, though the flashback makes it seem like she kicked the vampires’ asses immediately after flying to their location, which I suppose she could have, and then she just ran back into the alley in human form and pretended to kick their asses. Or she only warned them against feeding on Archie and Veronica first and explained she was gonna kick their asses momentarily for show. It’s a bit confusing.

Archie realizes she spared them to get information and would have let the vampires feed on them otherwise. Scarlet says yes for the chosen one but reveals they weren’t supposed to feed on him.

He’s “special”. He’s hers. He cries out for help.

He gets it.

Archie rips the cross off Scarlet, even though she’s wearing it on a thick chain, and Jughead and Betty pull him out the (conveniently open) window.

Scarlet spits out the cheeseburger and exposits about how they mustn’t let the chosen one get the Sun Stone. No shit.

Betty asks now what.

Veronica takes back the cross. As the vampire goons approach, she struggles to remember the incantation.

“Cross of silver, ray of light, in Ender’s hand will end the night.”

You go, girl!

Hmmm, that’s different. And suspicious. No one questions it, though.

Veronica’s amazed at what she did. Betty playfully rubs her head like she’s a dog. Veronica lets out a very satisfying “Aaahhh…” Um, yeah, draw your own conclusions.

Veronica celebrates her victory.

Her friends join in.

Later that night, Archie praises Veronica in his column. Why is one of the Andrews’ garage doors open at night?

Anyway, he guesses, sometimes, we can do a lot more than we give ourselves credit for.

He says just ask a girl named Veronica…

…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was a pretty cool episode. Veronica got the chance to be the hero again. Even better, this is merely the beginning of a three-parter! Betty put her “skills” to good use. The only real downside to this episode is Archie being his usual idiotic self.

I’ve recently realized it’s too much work for me to do a full episode review every week. When I subtract work at my actual job and any chores around the house, my actual free time is fairly limited. It took me well over 7 hours to write this review (that includes watching the episode, writing the text, and taking screencaps), and it typically takes me a little shy of 4 hours to create the post (correcting the text and uploading and inserting the screencaps in the proper spots). A review of “The New Archies” takes a bit less time. A review of “Riverdale” takes way more time. I can’t do this every week without my other interests taking a back seat. I have plenty of DVDs to watch. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

Therefore, after Halloween, this blog will alternate between a TV review and a comic review. I can typically review a comic story in around an hour, and it takes me way less time to create the post. The TV reviews every other week will be whatever I happen to get done. The comic reviews will probably cover primarily the “Betty’s Diary” and “Cheryl Blossom” series.

Tune in next Wednesday!