Comics – Camcord Discord

Writer: George Gladir
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo
Inks: Alison Flood*
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 104
Cover Date: October, 1996
Length: 6 pages

I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition, which came out on October 25, 2023.

*These aren’t credited in the story. I assume the same people colored and lettered the entire issue.

At the Lodge mansion, most of the gang is outside, eating. Veronica and Reggie come to the door. Ronnie invites everyone inside, because she’s about to play the video that Reggie took of last week’s beach party.

Archie, Betty, Moose, Midge, Jughead, and Nancy join them in the living room. As Ronnie plays the tape, she mentions she’s having the cook bake Archie’s favorite lemon meringue pie.

Betty asks Archie who he’s waving at on the tape. Archie says he doesn’t remember. Reggie says he was curious, too, so he “zoomed in” to find out. It was Cheryl. Archie nervously plays off the “friendly li’l wave”. On the tape, Ronnie realized she forgot to bring the case of soda that she had in her van. Ronnie drives a van? Well, anyway, Archie volunteered to go get it.

Betty says it was so nice of him to volunteer. Ronnie recalls it took Archie “a long, long time”. Archie nervously says he had some trouble finding her van. Reggie says he also wondered why it took him so long, so he again “zoomed” his camcorder “in on Archie”. Archie was with Cheryl, which pisses Ronnie off. Archie says Cheryl said hello, and he couldn’t ignore her.

On the tape, Archie volunteered to fetch the hat that Betty left in the van. He took two cans of Ronnie’s soda in case he got thirsty on the way. Reggie says this is where he “zoomed in on Archie again”. What kind of magic camcorder does Reggie have that he can find Archie with Cheryl just by “zooming in”? Betty, shocked (for some reason), says Archie’s back with Cheryl. Ronnie angrily realizes Archie was giving Cheryl one of her sodas. On the tape, Archie finally returned with Betty’s hat – and a lip print that Ronnie hadn’t seen before. How did she not notice Cheryl’s lipstick on Archie’s cheek back then?

The cook arrives with “ze pie”. Ronnie splats Archie in the face with it. Betty points out that Ronnie got meringue all over her new carpet. Ronnie says her dad will have a fit and tells her to get her a wet rag. How did Ronnie not see this coming? Jughead reveals he also took a video at the party and “zoomed in on some interesting subjects”. He plays the tape. Ronnie cleans the floor. Moose, enraged, spots Reggie with Midge on the tape and threatens to punch him.

As Moose chases Reggie, they make a mess, including smashing a vase (I think). Ronnie says her parents will ground her forever. The doorbell rings. Ronnie hopes it’s not her parents. It’s Dilton. He heard she’s showing videos of their beach party, so he brought along the video that he took that day. Ronnie slams the door, saying they’ve had enough videos for one day. Dilton is confused.

This story was pretty dumb. The girls somehow never realized Archie was with Cheryl during his multiple, lengthy absences and found out only through a video tape. Three guys took videos of the same beach party. One of them (Dilton) wasn’t even revealed to be at the beach party until the very end of the story. And why was Nancy in this story? She did absolutely nothing.

Comics – The Race to Save Face!

Writer: Craig Boldman
Pencils: Steven Butler
Inks: Jim Amash
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Archie & Friends, No. 17 (Hot Rod Racing #1)
On-Sale Date: April 3, 2024
Length: 5 pages

So Archie & Friends (no relation to the previous ongoing title of the same name), much like Betty and Veronica: Friends Forever, was originally an all-reprint title that reprinted stories that had recently been new in the digests. The purpose was to get these “new” stories onto floppy-sized paper (never mind that there’s a trade paperback dedicated to collecting the new digest stories). Also like the B&V title, it was always a #1 issue (but had sequential numbering in the indicia, and now they’re confusingly referring to each issue as a “one-shot” on the front cover). Also like the B&V title, it has started adding one actual new story to each issue. Also like the B&V title, it has fallen comically (ha!) behind schedule – to the point where it’s basically an annual. The last issue came out on June 7, 2023, and parodied Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. Why is this title even still around?

Anyway, it seems it’s time for yet another new character to be introduced. This time, it’s a racer named Daisy Thunder. If you suspect she was blatantly named after the movie, Days of Thunder, you’re right, and Archie Comics Editor-in-Chief Mike Pellerito openly admitted it: “Racing and cool cars are such a big part of childhood fantasies and part of Archie lore, and we wanted a new character who evoked that feeling with a little bit of danger. I had a rough idea of what we wanted with an invented history of the Southside Serpents going back to the ‘Little Archie’ days and a look that took inspiration from Evel Knievel, Pinky Tuscadero, and Penelope Pitstop, which Steven Butler perfectly brought to visual life. But I wanted a name before Craig Boldman put it all together. My right-hand man [Archie Comics Production Manager/Associate Editor] Stephen Oswald started listing off cool racing movies with a twist, and we had Daisy Thunder! Craig turned it into something great and Steven went above and beyond. Another amazing character added to the Archie sandbox, and I can’t wait for more.”

It’s the day of the Riverdale Road Race, and Reggie questions Archie’s decision to enter his “sad-looking jalopy”. His race car is basically a souped-up version of Archie’s old Ford Model A, kind of like this. Archie says it’s “happy where it counts” and says Dilton has reinvented the engine. Daisy Thunder arrives and calls out to “Little Archie”. Daisy introduces herself and says she’s back in town.

Someone (Coach Clayton?) waves the checkered flag, and they’re off. Yeah, it’s as sudden as it sounds. Betty and Veronica are viewing the race on a monitor in a booth in Pop’s and offering commentary. Betty exposits it’s a charity event. Ronnie exposits about their drone camera. They hype Daisy and Archie as being “supercharged” compared to the other racers.

Jughead and Reggie are riding with Archie. Jughead asks about Daisy, and Archie says she’s his oldest rival (Reggie resents that). In grade school, he spilled chocolate milk on her art contest drawing (a drag racer). Daisy was furious. Archie explains he was “a little clumsy in those days”.

Jughead warns Archie of a “super-villain crossing”. The Shield demands a flying villain known as Brain Emperor drop something known as a goztrark. They’re passing the Mighty Legends of Justice Museum. Yeah, I think Archie Comics is just going with superheroes operating openly in Riverdale at this point, even in “normal” continuity. Archie resumes his explanation, saying, even then, Daisy struck him as the type to hold a grudge. She always got him flustered. He adds she’s grown up to be “pretty spectacular”. Jughead asks why they’re so competitive and suggests making up and being nice. Archie says he’s got to win her respect, and the only way to do that is to beat her fair and square.

Betty and Ronnie exposit the pack is downtown and approaching Fox Forest and the “creepy” Igor Estates. Giant monsters scare some drivers out of the race. Trick and Treat (Halloween spirits that were introduced a while ago) don’t scare Daisy, who compares them unfavorably to the members of her Southside Serpents gang. Bats surround Archie’s car, but it’s equipped with “windshield vipers” (which look like ordinary windshield wipers to me). Betty exposits it’s “down to just Archie and Daisy”. Ronnie exposits they’re rounding Cobra Cave and on the home stretch. At the finish line (I guess), various people – such as Cheryl, Dilton, Midge, Ethel, Moose, Chuck, and Nancy – cheer them on. So the cover is a fucking lie. It indicated Cheryl would be racing (well, riding in a car driven by Jason), which ends up not being the case. Speaking of Jason, when’s the last time that we saw him in Classic Archieverse continuity? Anyone know? Cheryl’s pretty consistently been attending Riverdale High (save for one exception) since the old Betty and Veronica floppy title ended in 2015, but what school is Jason attending?

Anyway, Reggie doesn’t see Daisy. Archie gleefully says he lost her “in that last cloud of dust”. How is there dust? They’re driving on pavement. As they approach the finish line, Archie declares nothing can stop him now. Daisy passes him at the last second, winning the race (and somehow responding to him, even though there’s no way that she could have heard what he said).

After the race, while Daisy’s having her picture taken with her trophy, Archie says she was “nowhere in sight”. I would blame Archie for having absolutely no rearview mirrors on his car (which I’m pretty sure is illegal), but Reggie was also looking around and said he didn’t see her, so I call bullshit. Daisy explains she turned around and went back for her goggles, because she left them back at the starting line, and she caught back up again. Super bullshit! Jughead thinks Archie will have to up his game with this one. Archie declares “I smell a rematch!” Daisy winks at him. The final captions read “The End For Now!”

This story was subpar. They crammed way too many cameos and Little Archie references into such a short story. We barely got to know Daisy. So here’s some more backstory from Craig Boldman: “Daisy Thunder is a childhood friend of the Riverdale gang — or should we say frenemy? — who moved away when they were very young. Now she’s back! In the intervening years, she’s had an amazing life, owing to her father’s career as a globe-hopping professional racecar driver. He’s ready to settle down and enjoy a slower pace, but it turns out Daisy’s not wired that way.”

Report Card

Let’s do some math. I’m going to compare the number of pages of new content and the amount charged for it at this point last year to what has been released up to this point this year:

2023:

Pages: 205 / Price: $145.82

2024:

Pages: 125 / Price: $99.87

Difference:

Pages: -80 / Price: -$45.95

Comics – Not So Hot!

Writer: Dan Parent
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics (Double Digest Magazine), No. 322
On-Sale Date: March 6, 2024
Length: 5

Sabrina, Archie, and Betty are ice skating. Archie compliments Sabrina. Sabrina says she’s been practicing, and she hasn’t even relied on her magic. Archie questions her about that, but she says never mind. If she doesn’t want people to know she’s a witch, she shouldn’t talk about it openly…or use it openly…like on numerous covers. Anyway, she says it’s time for a break.

Oh, Jughead and Veronica are here, too. Jughead suggests heading over to Pop’s for a snack. Sabrina sits on a bench and drinks something. Ronnie asks her about it. Sabrina says her “aunties” made her a thermos full of hot chocolate. Jughead asks for a taste. Sabrina has extra paper cups and pours one for Jughead. He likes it and asks about the “special flavor”.

Sabrina says it’s an old family recipe. Betty asks to try some, and Sabrina gives everyone some. Jughead starts floating, and Sabrina’s like “What the fuck?” Then she wonders if it’s something in the hot chocolate.

Archie, Ronnie, and Betty also start floating. A mother thinks it’s “some sort of show”. Her kid loves it. Sabrina excuses herself to “pop out” and talk to her aunties.

At home, her aunts explain that hot chocolate is not meant for humans (why didn’t they fucking warn her?!), and they’ll need to drink an antidote, because zapping them down won’t work.

Back at the lake, Sabrina floats up and has them drink the antidote / mind-wiping potion.

Later, at…someone’s house, Betty shows Ronnie a video of them flying “like magic” on a TikTok knockoff. Ronnie asks if Betty has noticed “these things only seem to happen when Sabrina is around”? The end. No question mark.

This story was…odd. Are they setting up some kind of storyline where the gang learns Sabrina’s secret (even though they should already know it)?

Comics – Only Mysteries in the Building!

Writer: Tom DeFalco
Pencils: Bill Golliher
Inks: Jim Amash
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics (Double Digest Magazine), No. 322
On-Sale Date: March 6, 2024
Length: 5

Oh, another Fran Frazer story. Remember her? So, in case the title didn’t give it away, Archie Comics is taking a stab (ha!) at true crime podcasts. Let’s get into it.

The opening blurb: “Beautiful, brave, and resourceful, she lives in a whirlwind of excitement, solving mysteries for her true crime podcast.” Let’s see if this story delivers on that “whirlwind of excitement”. Fran has Betty and Veronica on as guests. I like Ronnie’s cat-ears wireless headset. Anyway, apparently, Only Mysteries in the Building! is the actual name of Fran’s podcast. This episode’s mystery begins in the teachers’ lounge at Riverdale High. Ms. Grundy asks if anyone has seen her English final; she’s sure she left it on a side table. (Side note: There’s a pillow with Mr. Weatherbee’s face on it on the couch. What the fuck?) The only other people in the lounge are Mr. Weatherbee, Reggie, Prankenstein, Coach Clayton, Moose, and some mystery person whose face is off-panel (it’s Svenson) holding a wastebasket. Everyone looks concerned. The mystery is “Who took Ns. Grundy’s English test and why?!?” Thrilling shit. It’s in the wastebasket.

The “relentless reporters” immediately jump on the case. How did they hear about it? They weren’t in the teachers’ lounge. And does Fran attend Riverdale High? Fran says they need to interview all six people that were in the room with Ms. Grundy.

Reggie was there, because Mr. Weatherbee wanted to question him and Simon Silverstein (Prankenstein) about an incident involving firecrackers in the boys’ locker room. They continue to grill him, but he says stealing isn’t funny, and he’s not even in her class.

Simon says that kind of prank is beneath him, and he’s aced all of Grundy’s tests.

They confront “hostile witness” Principal Weatherbee, and he flips his shit and throws them out of his office. What the fuck?! Chill, ladies!

“Undaunted”, they go out on the football field and question Coach Clayton, who doesn’t know anything, because he and Moose were too busy going over the plays for Saturday’s football game. Why were they doing this in the teachers’ lounge? Again, high school football season is in the fall, not spring! In Coach Clayton’s flashback, the same mysterious figure (it’s Svenson) is showing sweeping.

Even though the coach vouched for him, they still “had to” question Moose, who’s lifting weights. He “don’t know nuthin'”. Fran asks Betty and Ronnie if they believe him. Betty has never known Moose to lie. Ronnie adds it’s against his nature. I wonder if there are any past stories that contradict this.

Fran wonders if they missed something. Betty and Ronnie remind her of the last person that they have yet to question. Fran excitedly says it’s “obvious” who took Grundy’s test. Betty and Ronnie look at each other in absolute shock, mouths agape. Why? This is a simple process of elimination.

Fran questions Svenson as he’s dumping trash in a dumpster. Svenson goes on a rant about how none of the teachers clean up after themselves and leave “all their papers and trash” for him. So Svenson picked up Ms. Grundy’s test off a table and put it in the wastebasket and didn’t even fish it out when she asked about it? What an asshole!

Fran and Betty go dumpster-diving for the test. Why? Wouldn’t Ms. Grundy have a copy on her computer? Fran finds the test, and the reporters do a group high five. Apparently, this test is a “final” despite it being only March. Ronnie says they just have to return the test to Ms. Grundy. Yeah, I’m sure she totally still needs it after however much time has passed. Svenson has them clean up the mess that they made. The girls are shocked – including Ronnie, who didn’t even make the mess.

This story was stupid from start to finish. Who was it written for? I doubt anyone (whether Fran’s podcast audience in the Archieverse or readers in the real world) would be interested in the subject matter. And wouldn’t Ms. Grundy still have the test saved on her computer? She could just print out another copy. In fact, she needs multiple copies for every student in her class. But the story treats it as if this one copy is all that exists, and it’s irreplaceable. That’s ludicrous, and it’s yet another in a long list of examples that Archie Comics writers are woefully out of touch with modern technology.

Report Card

Just a quick note of something that I forgot to mention last time. It seems someone found some loose change between the couch cushions, because apparently World of Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest isn’t canceled after all. According to the May previews, which were released on February 20, issue #32 comes out on May 1. nearly five months after the previous issue. I’m guessing this is more of a quiet “uncancellation”. Anyway, the title, like the others, will now be limited to only one new story per issue.

Comics – Catnapped!

Writer: Dan Parent
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica Friends Forever, No. 22 (Sleepover #1)
On-Sale Date: March 6, 2024
Length: 5 pages

Don’t worry, Toni Topaz doesn’t actually appear in this story. This is yet another undeserved cover appearance.

Betty, Veronica, Cheryl, Ethel, Sabrina, Josie, Alexandra, and…Nancy (I think) are having a sleepover. Ethel whacks Betty with a pillow, which is open, feathers flying everywhere, much to Betty and Ronnie’s delight. Oh, we’re starting off with the stereotypes, huh? Do teen girls even have sleepovers these days? If so, do they have pillow fights? Josie is playing a small drum, and Sabrina dances to the beat like it’s some hot shit. Sabrina and Josie tell the others to keep it down, because they’re “jamming”. Alexandra is playing Checkers with her cat, Sebastian. Nancy (or whoever) is eating something. Cheryl brings in plate full of s’mores, which (it seems) she made. Ronnie has a laptop open and wants to watch some creator on a TikTok knockoff. Ethel says after they watch the Barbie knockoff movie. Why not watch the dumb Internet videos first? They’re shorter. Anyway, yeah, remember when they met the Barbie knockoff? That was in the last issue, which came out around eight months ago. Seriously, why does this title even still exist? It’s pretty much an annual at this point. Betty thanks Alexandra for hosting this sleepover. Alexandra (who has a wicked grin for some reason) exposits her parents just remodeled this cottage on their estate. Yeah, clearly, all of this would have been explained way before the story began (not that it needs to be explained at all), and this is simply a consequence of the story being limited to 5 pages.

Betty says it’s gorgeous. Ronnie compares it unfavorably to a Lodge cottage. Nancy (or whoever) asks about the creepy portrait of some red-haired dude with a cat that looks like Sebastian. Alexandra says he’s a distant ancestor, and her parents insist on keeping his portrait up. Sabrina says it feels like he’s staring at them. Ethel is more concerned with the “creepy cat”, Sebastian. Alexandra covers the portrait with a purple sheet.

Later, Alexandra, Sebastian, Cheryl, Nancy, and Josie are asleep, and Betty, Ronnie, Ethel, and Sabrina join them. Cheryl is sleeping rather uncomfortably on the floor and leaning against the bed.

Later, Sabrina is chilly and wants a blanket. One floats to her. She guesses she must have accidentally zapped it in her sleep. She can’t unzap it, which means it isn’t her magic. Alexandra and Sebastian start levitating, and Alexandra says her magic is back. A caption informs readers: “Alexandra Cabot used to have magic powers!” Yeah, apparently, that was a thing for a while, but I don’t know when it was last used. Alexandra says the magic is being channeled through Sebastian, and he can’t control it. Alexandra asks what’s causing this and then notices two pairs of glowing eyes behind the purple sheet covering the painting.

She removes the sheet. She sees the eyes of the dude and the cat are glowing and declares “Old spirits are afoot!” What modern-day teen talks like that? Alexandra tries to use her magic to “maintain control”. The other girls wake up floating and are like “What the fuck?!” Alexandra laughs it off, saying they’re just dreaming. Nancy says too many s’mores always upsets her sleep.

Sabrina only just now realizes everyone’s floating “like feathers in the wind”. She zaps the picture away. Everyone falls to the floor (except Betty, who’s lucky enough to land on the bed). Betty says she had “one strange dream”. Ronnie says her, too. Oh, this is one of those “everyone’s an idiot” stories, huh? Sabrina seeks agreement from Alexandra that it’s “pretty weird”. They each suspect the other of being “onto [her] witchcraft”. They each decide to “proceed carefully”. A caption declares in bold text: “What has been unleashed??! Stay tuned!!!” After “The End”, it says “For Now!” Wow, so they’re setting something up? When are we going to get to read the continuation? Eight months from now?

This story was okay, I guess, but there were too many girls to do much of anything with any single one of them, considering Alexandra and Sabrina got most of the attention.

Report Card

Before I get to current stuff, I need to make a correction to my last report card. I forgot to add the new story pages from the digest that came out that week:

2023:

Pages: 85 / Price: $61.93

2024:

Pages: 30 / Price: $29.97

Difference:

Pages: -55 / Price: -$31.96

Okay, so the price of those mostly-reprint floppy titles was raised from $2.99 to $3.99 in the new year, starting with Archie’s Valentine’s Spectacular on February 7. You’re paying the same price for 5 new pages of story as you are for an all-new 20-page floppy. Oh, but about that…

An announcement posted on February 14 (brought up again in the May preview posted on February 20) revealed Archie Comics is starting up miniseries again – or at least a 3-part horror miniseries titled, somewhat oddly, Archie Comics: Judgment Day. Why not Archie: Judgment Day? This is the first “Archie Premium Event”. According to the solicitation:

“On top of bringing readers to the most horrifying version of Riverdale yet, JUDGMENT DAY also introduces the new Archie Premium Event branding, which will designate Archie stories that are simply too grand for a single one-shot release. With their extended length and scale, these cinematic miniseries will take Archie Comics in epic new narrative directions, paired with upgraded collector-quality issues featuring cardstock covers, improved interior paper stock, and specialized print finishes. ‘JUDGMENT DAY is the first in a compelling slate of events. As we look to the future of Archie, we wanted to translate our success in TV and film to focus that sense of grandeur back to our core publishing efforts. With our Archie Premium Event series, we’ve imbued each project with an epic sense of storytelling that is evocative of the exciting new direction for the company,’ said Archie Comics Senior Vice President Jonathan Betancourt. ‘In addition to our concentrated focus on elevated storytelling, these new series are also investments for the larger comic book community, transforming what would be a normal print issue into a must-have collector’s item.'”

In other words: “Pleeeaaase buy our overpriced, ‘collectible’ shit, comic book nerds and speculators! We need the cash!” They’re charging $4.99 per issue.

On February 21, they released The Jaguar #1, a superhero one-shot.

There were two other new stories released this week (in Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics Digest #322). I’m gonna review both of them, so I won’t talk about them here.

Let’s do some math. I’m going to compare the number of pages of new content and the amount charged for it at this point last year to what has been released up to this point this year:

2023:

Pages: 150 / Price: $108.87

2024:

Pages: 90 / Price: $71.91

Difference:

Pages: -60 / Price: -$36.96

Comics – Winners & Losers

Writer: George Gladir
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo
Inks: Alison Flood
Colors: Barry Grossman
Letters: Bill Yoshida
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 103
Cover Date: September, 1996
Length: 6 pages

I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition, which came out on October 25, 2023.

Betty, Veronica, and Nancy are at the beach. Nancy angrily tells Betty and Ronnie to “show more intensity” if they expect to win today. See, there’s a two-girl volleyball tournament being held at the beach. So…why the fuck does Nancy care if Betty and Ronnie win or not? She’s not on their team. Betty says she appreciates the tips. Nancy says she can’t play herself because of a sprained ankle (which she’s currently standing on, seemingly with no problem whatsoever). Cheryl and Archie run by, holding hands. Cheryl smiles, waves, and greets Betty and Ronnie, who are angry.

Betty complains about Cheryl’s “nerve” of “flaunting” “[their] Archie”. Ronnie complains about Cheryl’s perfume (though it’s unclear what bothers her about it). Betty wants to continue their game. They do well, Nancy cheering them on. Nancy has never seen them play with such energy and asks what happened. Betty says Cheryl made them “see red”. Nancy encourages them to play that way in today’s tournament.

The tournament starts. As a “special treat”, TV star Rex Dexter will present the trophy. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a parody of someone. I also don’t see the point of getting a TV actor to come to Riverdale to present a trophy in a local beach volleyball tournament. I’m guessing this “TV star” is just a washed-up has-been that happens to live nearby. Regardless, Betty excitedly takes this as an “extra incentive” for them to win.

They win their first two games. Nancy congratulates them but says, in the finals, they’ll be up against the favorites, the Twin Towers (tall girls with long brown hair).

Betty and Ronnie are too exhausted and doubt their chances. Nancy goes and requests Cheryl put a drop of her perfume on the volleyball. Cheryl, who “always brings some along”, agrees. Nancy thanks her. Cheryl finds the request strange.

Nancy has the “exhausted creatures” take a whiff of the ball before they start playing. They smell the scent of the “vicious man-eater” on the ball and get angry. Ronnie literally growls. Does anyone actually do that in real life? And I find it hard to believe they could immediately connect the scent from a single drop of perfume to Cheryl. Regardless, the girls do well in the finals, Moose cheering them on. Cheryl has just heard Rex Dexter is at the tournament and rushes to see him (she knows him), dragging Archie along for whatever reason. Cheryl sits on the judges’ table and flirts with Rex, inviting him to her “big party” tonight (which she might or might not have just decided to throw). He tells the “babe” that he’d like to, but he’s committed to helping the winners celebrate their victory.

After a time skip, Betty and Ronnie have won the tournament, and Betty is holding the trophy. Archie congratulates them. Ronnie is pissed at him for not being there when they “needed” him to root for them. Cheryl icily says, if Betty and Veronica don’t want him, then neither does she. Jughead runs over in excitement and asks Archie who today’s big winner was. Archie says Betty and Ronnie, and he considers himself today’s big loser, confusing Jughead. Betty, Ronnie, and Nancy walk off with Rex, and Cheryl walks off with…some random hunky dude.

This story was okay, I guess, but the perfume angle was stupid. It would have made more sense for Cheryl to influence the outcome of the tournament by being within sight of Betty and Ronnie the entire time.

Later in the issue, in his Editor’s Notebook, Victor Gorelick apologizes for a certain story called “Ear Ache” not appearing in Archie #447 as scheduled. In the April-dated issues, on sale this past February, he had promoted the story, in which Archie wears an earring, in his column. He claims he “received some very critical letters” and expects others. He apologizes to “all those readers who purchased a copy […] looking for that story”. He says “Ear Ache” was not ready on time, and, in order to avoid missing a “critical deadline”, he had to substitute another story in its place. It was an “unavoidable situation” that he hopes “will not happen again”. He’s planning to run “this elusive ‘earring’ story” in an upcoming Archie issue, sometime this fall (it eventually showed up at the end of Archie #455, cover-dated January of 1997). 2024 me is laughing at the absurdity of this entire thing.

After that is a Cheryl Blossom miniseries subscription offer order form. It tells us to subscribe to Cheryl’s “all new” miniseries (the Gets a Job one), even though, according to Comichron, the miniseries concluded in the same month that this issue was released (June). Furthermore, the miniseries began in April, the same month that Betty and Veronica #101 came out, despite Gorelick claiming in that issue that the miniseries would begin “next month”. And the order form in this issue refers to Cheryl Blossom Special #4 as “new”, despite the fact that it came out in February. Oh, look, that was also the month that Archie #447 (which was cover-dated May) came out, which was the same month in which Gorelick claimed he hyped “Ear Ache”, which he said wasn’t ready on time. All of this suggests Archie Comics was pretty bad at releasing and promoting stuff on time, even back then.

Comics – Girl of His Dreams

Writer: Mike Pellowski
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo
Inks: Mike Esposito
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 101
Cover Date: July, 1996
Length: 6 pages

I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition, which came out on October 18, 2023.

*These aren’t credited in the story. I assume the same people colored and lettered the entire issue.

Before the story, in his Editor’s Notebook, Victor Gorelick mentions the new Cheryl Blossom (Gets a Job) miniseries that starts next month (which is confusing, because both this issue and that one have the same cover date).

Betty and Veronica are walking along in a hallway at school when they overhear Jughead and Archie talking about a recurring dream that Archie has been having, “every night for a week now”, about a girl that Archie thinks is “true love”. The girls are shocked and nervous about this. Oddly, there’s a hand reaching out around the corner from where they’re standing, but it’s unclear who it is, and it’s never brought up. It can’t be Archie or Jughead, because they’re walking away.

Archie’s starting to think he’s finally found his “perfect girl”, and Betty and Ronnie are melodramatically nervous again. Archie leaves, and the girls argue over who his perfect girl is. They angrily confront “Mr. Jones”. Ronnie demands to know which one of them that Archie is dreaming about.

Jughead says it could be Betty, but he doesn’t think it is, and he doesn’t think it’s Ronnie either. The girls melodramatically overreact to all of this. Jughead says they should ask Archie and runs away. Betty guesses it might be Cheryl, which worries both of them. They leave the school.

Cheryl happens to be outside the school, leaning against her orange-and-yellow Mercedes-Benz (which, now that I think about it, renders her upcoming miniseries completely pointless). She asks them if they’re gossiping about her. Ronnie denies it. Betty explains Archie has been dreaming about his perfect girl. Cheryl assumes it’s herself and adds she came over here to see him. Ronnie says he went home and suggests they all better drop by and see him. She walks off angrily, and Betty follows.

Later, at Archie’s house, Mary answers the door. The girls walk in. Betty says they’d like to see Archie. Mary was just going to wake him. He was so pooped from basketball practice that he dozed off on the couch. So why does she want to wake him?

They go into the living room. Mary wakes Archie up just as he’s about to run into the arms of his (shadowy) dream girl. He’s nervous when he sees the girls angrily staring at him. Cheryl and Ronnie demand to know (Cheryl is confident that it’s her). Archie doesn’t know who she is.

Archie says she has reddish-blonde hair, and she’s rich. She has beautiful eyes like Ron’s, a cute nose like Betty’s, and luscious lips like Cheryl’s. She’s fashionable, sweet, athletic, and has spirit. Betty asks who this “miserable creature” is. Mary explains Archie’s dream girl is a combination of all of them; they’re all his dream girl. Archie agrees and thanks his mom. Ronnie, Betty, and Cheryl are pleased.

This story was pretty dumb. And the ending was unexpected and confusing. Shouldn’t the love triangle square be over, if all of the girls are content with Archie liking traits of all three of them?

Comics – The Big Victory

Writer: George Gladir
Pencils: Dan DeCarlo
Inks: Dan DeCarlo
Colors: Barry Grossman*
Letters: Bill Yoshida*
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica, No. 99
Cover Date: May, 1996
Length: 6 pages

I’m reviewing this story from the digital edition, which came out on October 11, 2023.

*These aren’t credited in the story. I assume the same people colored and lettered the entire issue.

Outside the school gym, Veronica and Betty confront Archie over not attending any of their basketball games lately, because they’re always there for the boys and never once missed any of his games. Archie claims he’s been “very, very busy”, but they don’t want excuses. He says he’ll definitely be at their next game tomorrow.

During practice, the coach (a woman with short brown hair) informs the girls that Central just cancelled tomorrow’s game, because their entire team came down with the flu. In its place, she’s scheduled a non-league game with Pembrooke. How was she able to arrange that with such short notice? Anyway, Betty and Ronnie are horrified, because that means Cheryl. Betty imagines Archie literally rolling out the red carpet for her.

The next day, Ronnie tries to talk Archie out of attending their game, but he insists, because he made a promise (technically, he didn’t). Ronnie grabs hold of Archie’s jacket, and he ends up crashing head-first into the lockers, knocking down a box that someone had placed on top, which also hits him on the head. Betty says the bump doesn’t look very serious, despite the obvious visuals to the contrary. Ronnie whispers this is their chance to get him away from the game. Ronnie has Jughead take Archie to the first aid room.

As they walk into the gym, Ronnie says they pulled it off. Betty notices Cheryl and the rest of the Pembrooke team entering the gym. Ronnie angrily criticizes guys for literally climbing out of the bleachers to get at Cheryl. This includes a bald dude in a dress shirt and tie, and you can’t convince me that this is a student. Cheryl receives cheers and waves to the crowd, but she doesn’t look where she’s going and trips over a Pembrooke duffel bag that someone left near the court, despite the fact that Cheryl was the first Pembrooke player to enter the gym. Ronnie and Betty make fun of Cheryl, who’s in pain. Riverdale High’s coach and a guy check on her. Just to be sure, he sends Cheryl to first aid. Ronnie and Betty are horrified.

Betty says they have to keep Archie and Cheryl apart. Ronnie fakes a twisted ankle and tells Coach Grapple that she better go to first aid and check it out. The coach agrees. Ronnie grabs her jacket (why?) and puts it on while running out of the gym, no longer faking an injury, hoping to get there before Cheryl (which means she’d have to pass Cheryl on the way there, but this never occurs). Coach Grapple is suspicious.

Ronnie meets up with Archie as he’s leaving first aid. He says the nurse says he’s okay. That sure was a quick recovery. Archie notices Cheryl going into first aid. Ronnie shoves him away, tells him that he’s hallucinating, and tells him to go right home and get plenty of rest.

Returning to the gym, Ronnie takes off her jacket (again, why did she bring it with her?) and tells the coach that her ankle is fine. Ronnie and Betty slap a high five over Ronnie’s victory.

Later, at Pop’s, Pop asks Ronnie and Betty how it went. They give him thumbs up, and Ronnie says they came out on top. Pop asks what the final score was. Ronnie has to think about it as they sit in a booth. Betty looks at a menu. Ronnie thinks they lost by over twenty points. Pop is confused.

This story was pretty dumb. Not much else to say.

Comics – Makeover for a Moose

Writer: Dan Parent
Pencils: Dan Parent
Inks: Bob Smith
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Jack Morelli
Original Publication: Betty and Veronica Jumbo Comics (Double Digest Magazine), No. 321
On-Sale Date: January 31, 2024
Length: 5

Moose and Midge are walking along outside. They pass Betty, Reggie, and Veronica. Ronnie compliments Reggie on his new haircut. Reggie points out his “new threads”, which honestly looks like an outfit out of the turn of the 20th Century. Do you know any teens that wear suspenders these days? Reggie calls himself “stunning”. Betty calls him out on his lack of modesty, but Reggie doesn’t care.

Moose is upset, because Reggie “thinks he’s all that”. He gets pissed when Midge gets a lady boner for Reggie, exclaiming “I know that look!” Midge claims she only has eyes for Moose. Reggie boasts. Moose chases him.

Betty happily exclaims “Poor Moose!” Ronnie wants to give him a makeover – “Lodge style”. Betty asks “And Cooper?” Ronnie half-heartedly agrees.

Ronnie, Betty, and Moose sit on a bench. Ronnie pitches her idea and claims Midge will only have eyes for him. Moose agrees. The three of them head for the mall.

At the mall, Moose feels his new clothes are “kinda tight”. Betty suggests he show off his athletic frame. Kevin walks by, complimenting Moose, and Moose thanks him.

Ronnie next wants to change Moose’s hair, since he’s had the same style since the first grade. They go to a hairstylist named Jacques (who isn’t explicitly stated to be based in the mall, but the story doesn’t say otherwise), and “Madam Lodge” tells him to do his thing.

Soon, Ronnie claims Moose looks like a movie star. Moose thanks her, uncertain.

On the street, Archie and some girl (I’m not sure who) compliment Moose, who gains confidence.

In Pop’s, Ronnie tells Moose that Midge is coming. Moose greets Midge…before she walks inside.

Once Midge actually is inside, Moose asks how she likes him. Midge says he looks “so handsome”. Ethel greets Moose. Sabrina says Moose looks “very nice”. Cheryl takes notice of Moose’s “beautiful blue eyes”. Midge gets angry. Cheryl starts to mention a “little party” that she’s having next weekend, but Midge, panicking, quickly tells her that Moose is “busy”. This is news to Moose. Midge says she’s giving Moose a makeover.

Later that day (I assume, since Ronnie and Midge are wearing the same outfits), at Pop’s, Ronnie is surprised that Moose is back to his “old style-free version” (including his old hairdo before his haircut, somehow). Reggie wants Midge to check out his new jacket, but Midge says she only has eyes for Moose.

This story was okay, but it’s kinda just there. Not much to say. Um, let’s see. Oh, yeah: an average of 1,170 shopping malls closed every year between 2017 and 2022, and there’s no reason to believe that trend changed in 2023. My county has been without a mall since 2022 (and it wasn’t worth going to long before it finally closed). The two closest traditional indoor shopping malls to me are an hour away (in two different directions), and they’re both in college cities. How does Riverdale still have a two-story shopping mall?

Report Card

This digest is the sole release this week. The second new story is “Grimberry Shake It Off”, a classic-style take on Chilling Adventures Presents: Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe of Horrors from nearly a year ago. It was fun in an Archie’s Weird Mysteries kind of way, but, at 5 pages, it’s way too short and raises way more questions than it answers.

Let’s do some math. I’m going to compare the number of pages of new content and the amount charged for it at this point last year to what has been released up to this point this year:

2023:

Pages: 85 / Price: $61.93

2024:

Pages: 20 / Price: $29.97

Difference:

Pages: -65 / Price: -$31.96

Comics – Love is a Football Field!

Writer: Daniel Kibblesmith
Pencils: Rex Lindsey
Inks: Rex Lindsey
Colors: Glenn Whitmore
Letters: Rex Lindsey
Original Publication: Archie Jumbo Comics Digest, No. 347
On-Sale Date: January 24, 2024
Length: 5

Moose Mason is practicing on the Riverdale High football field. Coach Kleats blows his whistle. Coach Clayton praises Moose for his “great hit” and says, with a “powerhouse” like Moose on their side, they’re sure to crush Central High in the big game. Moose excuses himself when he sees Midge waving at him, earning him a frown from Coach Kleats. Moose and Midge are lovey-dovey with each other; Midge would like to see more of Moose off the field. Coach Kleats is dismissive of “young ‘love'”.

Later, inside the school, Reggie, Cheryl, Veronica, Archie, Betty, and Jughead are hanging out by the lockers. Banners are hung that read “Valentine’s Week”. Reggie asks Cheryl if she has big plans for Valentine’s Day this weekend. Ronnie and Betty are on their phones. Ronnie suggests tasting menu and jewelry shopping to Archie, and Betty suggests paddle boats and picnic basket. Archie is torn. Jughead suggests pizza and burgers while eating both. Moose is at his locker. Midge asks if he has something planned for Valentine’s Day. She actually expects it. Moose claims it’s a surprise. Midge accepts this, says she’ll see him after class, and kisses him on the cheek. Coach Kleats wants a “quick word” with his “son”. He reminds Moose that Valentine’s Day is the same day as the big game. Coach Clayton says “There comes a time in a young man’s life when he has to put aside distractions and focus on his future! Understand?” Hey, I just noticed one of the Valentine’s banners has some of Cheryl’s familiar “blossoms” on it. Nice touch. I guess she did the decorating.

Moose asks what his future is. Coach Kleats, frustrated, tells him to just use his head.

The next day, Moose is on the football field, alone. Midge finds him and says the gang’s all going to Pop’s. She asks if he could skip one practice. Moose declines. Midge guesses her Valentine’s Day “surprise” is “watching [him] play football like [they] always do”. They always do that for Valentine’s Day? Why does she even stay with him? Moose suggests talking about it after the game, because “coach” says he’s really gotta focus. Midge agrees, says she’ll see him at the game, and leaves.

At the “big (Valentine’s Day) game”, the gang is watching in the bleachers. An upset Midge says she just really thought he had a surprise planned. Betty angrily says at least Midge isn’t here alone; Archie “really blew” Valentine’s Day, too. Ronnie agrees. So what are they pissed about? Archie’s at the game with Cheryl, who’s feeding him popcorn. Cheryl has the atypical upside-down U nose in this story. Moose intercepts the ball. Coach Clayton tells him to “bring it home”. Moose knocks down Central’s defense “like bowling pins”. However, to both coaches’ horror, Moose turns around and starts knocking down his own teammates. The announcer wonders what the fuck is going on.

A delighted Midge realizes Moose knocked down a lot of the players in such a way as to form the shape of a heart on the football field. A delighted Betty notes the coaches look pretty surprised, too. Coach Kleats yells at Moose, pissed. As Midge jumps into Moose’s arms, Moose says he took his advice: he spent all week focused on his future. That was actually Coach Clayton’s advice. Speaking of whom, Coach Clayton happily gives Moose a thumbs-up in approval. Midge says it’s the best Valentine that a girl could ask for (you sure about that?) and asks Moose how he came up with it. While winking hard at the reader, Moose says it was easy: he used his head. Ha. Actually, most of the carnage occurred off panel, but, from what we did see, Moose used his hand. Instead of an “End” note, there’s a “Touchdown!” note.

This story was okay. It feels like a traditional Archie story that doesn’t try to do too much in the space allotted. But Moose really didn’t do anything romantic for Midge. Also, Cheryl didn’t get any lines. Finally, and most importantly, high school football seasons occur in the fall. The entire conflict of this story is bullshit.

Report Card

Archie Comics released no comics on January 17. That’s two weeks so far this year with no comics.

This digest is the sole release this week. The second new story is “Heartbreaker Havoc”. It features Sabrina, but she’s credited as “Sabrina Spellman” in the title instead of “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”. I’ve never seen that done before. Hell, back in the days of the sitcom, The WB wanted to shorten the title to Sabrina in light of the character’s age, but Archie Comics wouldn’t let them. Anyway, the story also occurs on Valentine’s Day, and it involves Sabrina trying to summon Cupid to make Jughead fall in love for Ethel, so he can “get a clue” about the “sweet girl”. Look, I don’t give a shit about Jughead (or Ethel), but it pisses me off that one thing that the Riverdale girls are agreed on is their hatred of Jughead not dating (yes, seriously; United Girls Against Jughead was a thing). People need to learn to mind their own fucking business. Oh, yeah, Sabrina attends Riverdale High now, not Greendale High. Why? Because why the fuck not? No one cares anymore. Everyone attends Riverdale High unless it’s proven otherwise, okay? Sabrina somehow accidentally conjures the wrong creature, a devil-like entity known as Heartbreaker. He ruins Valentine’s Day for everyone in Riverdale. Sabrina explains to Jughead what happened. Oh, also, only those that know of the existence of witches can see Heartbreaker. Yeah, it’s been established for years that Jughead knows Sabrina is a witch, but whether anyone else knows depends on the writer, and other characters routinely know in cover gags, so fuck all of this shit, okay? Anyway, the damage is undone, Jughead and Ethel go on a date, and Sabrina is happy. The fucking end.

Let’s do some math. I’m going to compare the number of pages of new content and the amount charged for it at this point last year to what has been released up to this point this year:

2023:

Pages: 70 / Price: $48.95

2024:

Pages: 20 / Price: $19.98

Difference:

Pages: -50 / Price: -$28.97